sattorie's Aeonity Blog

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sattorie Closer - Subscribe

Well been a few days since I last blogged. I am cycling lately up for days asleep half a day ect. Been crying ALOT lately. I start talking and I burst into tears.I miss my daughter and my birthday is coming and I hate birthdays. Talk to Doug on email here and there but not much. However Phil last few days has been so attentive to me it's not even funny. It's how I wish he could always be. This is what I care about, not what he can or can't buy me. Which is good cause we are so in living on credit lately, even that we don't wanna do anymore cause it will just make things so much worse.I'm gonna go to a therapy group soon. Another part of my depression is dealing with loosing my neice and I can't talk to anyone about it because it's like I didn't know her so I have no right to feel pain. But I will never forget the day I saw her. It's painted in my memories and the flashbacks are huge lately. Also the fact just before my sister in law died I had asked what would happen if she died would my brother come home. I never thought or wanted it to happen I just so missed my brother and now my brother I think hates me so I just feel so dead inside. I don't blame him. I guess my daughter hates me too. DJ is really sweet he tries to make me feel better and I adore him for trying. I know though that I just fucked up real bad.I need a new start and lately Phil has made me feel like I can get that. The other night he so surprised me when he came to bed omg words can't describe. He also lately says all the time that he really does love me alot. I believe he does, I was just feeling so alone because unlike me he is more about giving things to show love than emotionally giving. Without emotions nothing else truly matters. So things are getting quieter and happier here and yet now my emotions are like a rush I can't seem to stop. What the hell is wrong with me? It's nice we keep busy. With everything we have Sarah busy in laying around all day is going out the door, which is a huge change for me. For a long time I just didn't do anything but lay around. I still have my days but more often now I am up and Phil and I go out more now. I wanna keep Sarah busy to keep her from getting into trouble. I am very proud of her. I really think she will go far in life. I can't wait this year she is finally gonna get tested. We've been waiting for years. All the extra time put into her though God she is doing so much better. Her teachers also were concerned about her sister being around her and asked about it the beginning of the year because they feel she was making Sarah doubt herself and giving her bad self esteem they have remarked how that's changed now and their happy to see the changes in her. I am too. We did try to talk to her sister about putting her down I mean all siblings do do that but it did so affect Sarah and now she is just improving by leaps and bounds.Apparently Hilary Duff is coming here in Jauary and Sarah's friends are going. Phil and I talked about it and we're discussing maybe doing that for Christmas. Tickets are actually not too badly priced. One of us would have to go though. Phil said he would go but i GUESS i COULD HANDLE IT. iF IT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY RIGHT?I'm still living on damn chicken soup. I am so sick of fricken soup. but it's only thing makes me not want to be sick. Only good thing about it is helping my weight. Oh I been on classmates.com oh my god I found so many of my friends on there. I even found a friend of my brothers only he is on the missing list so I have it put to notify me if he comes back on and then I can let my brother know. DJ wrote his wishlist for Christmas it's actually not too bad. If he didn't write a list we wouldn't know what to get him, he wants alot but a little if that makes any sense. Oh check this out:This is a cool site I joined ya should check it out, you can get a free ipod among other things

http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24729383I got an email the other day I've seen it before always makes me cry. Do schools not do drunk driving contracts anymore? I think things like this would keep MADD having contracts like that in school still we had them.I WENT TO A PARTY, MUMI went to a party, And remembered what you said.You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite instead.I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would,That I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I should.I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight.I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,I never knew what was coming, MomSomething I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement,And I hear the policeman say, The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood's all around me,I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high,Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die.So why do people do it, Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives.Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Tell daddy to be brave,And when I go to heaven, Put "Mommy's Girl" on my grave.Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive.Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom 'm getting really scared.These are my final moments, And I'm so unprepared.I wish that you could hold me Mom, As I lie here and die.I wish that I could say, "I love you Mom!" So I love you and good-bye.I really hope no one I know ever experiences something like that. One last site I found recently also has my support and heart. I am going today to ask you to take one simple action to protect women from violence. Please, join me in signing the 700women.org petition.Every day 700 women are assaulted by their intimate partners--and four are murdered.In September, Congress will consider the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which is the most important legislation ever enacted to protect women from domestic violence and sexual assault.If it is not reauthorized, victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and the organizations that support them are at risk of losing aid and protection.Please, join me in supporting the reauthorization of VAWA. It's simple and important - and will only take you a minute. Click here: http://www.700women.org/So that's me, hope everyone else is doing well. God bless...Oh one last thing does anyone else have hotbar? I lost it with a program I got and been trying to reinstall it and all it keeps saying is finalizing install and screwing up my internet. WTF?

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Mood: amorous

sattorie Sleepless At My Place... Nov 13th, 2005 4:56:45 pm - Subscribe

Well yep I have not slept. Back on the few days of no sleep. Pretty sad. I mean I do get tired, but I lay down and the racing thoughts are just too much.
Ya know I would like to know how people get over betrayal. I mean the whole Deb thing with Phil happened this summer and it got stopped before it went further than maybe it could have gone. However the open lies has made me very mistrustful. Guys never seem to hold on to that mistrust. Some women are able to let go. So tell me what are their secrets to doing that? Cause I can't seem to let that go and I can't seem to believe anything now. I hate it and it eats me alive. All the reassurance in the world by him doesn't seem to change my doubts.
Ya know I know this post is gonna be all over the place. But I also thought last night about what Christine said about how my Aunt Judy and cousin Tiffanie spend days and hours googling my name and hunt me down on the net. Like who the hell does that? Who has family so spiteful that they look for shit? Who fucking cares. Like God do we have such a piss poor life you have to try and destroy others? Almost makes it fun for me lol. I truly don't care what people think about me, I was not put on this earth to make anyone happy. Plus I never have made anyone happy why should that change now? Geepers. Just makes me shake my head. Gotta be proud of having a very disfunctional family. LOL even workers have said and written in remarks how I have one of the most disfunctional families they have ever come across. Gee don't have to tell me that.
Dj is on his way home only to be going out again with his gf for awhile. Sarah is at a bday party. It's pretty nice out, so I have Princess outside for awhile.
I sent my Aunt Karen a bday card it's her bday today. She is cool, a little different than the rest of my family. A scorpio too so there ya go. Scorpio's do rock right?
Anyone else have a dog with a dog house they won't use? None of us can understand why the hell our mutt won't go into her house when it is raining or cold. Thankfully she is almost 100% trained, she whines to go outside now and paces. She never used to alert us. Now I just need to get the stuff Doug told me about to take the smell out of her one spot upstairs. He says it is really strong and no smell will be there for her to recognize again. Whew hoo.
My hair is finally growing back to it's original thickness. I lost alot when I had all the surgeries. I mean ALOT! Plus it's not always falling out in handfuls anymore.
I still humming and hawing about getting the flu shot. Year before last I did well with it but last year I got really super sick. I don't want to get like that again from another shot.
I have roast cooking for dinner ahhhhhhhhh smells good. Making it with gravym mushrooms, baby potatoes, baby carrots and hoping to also make yorkshire pudding as well. We all love them alot. Can never have too many. Everyone loves my roast and I am pretty proud of that. I like it because it is made in the crock pot and it is so soft and tender it just falls apart. People liked my roast pan roast too but this is even a little more tender. Of course I use lots of Garlic. I have to be thankful I had a mother who made good good food. She was and is an awesome cook. She taught me to cook and I am thankful for that. Wish as kids we could recognize how lucky we are to have parents teach us things like cooking. I know so many people who couldn't or still cannot cook. It's sad.
It's been nice talking to friends from the day we could have fun. Things have changed alot for some. Hmmmmm.
Anyhow am watching Just for laughs. Ahhhhhh too funny, I love this comedy channel...
I do again have a couple links to check out, would be great if ya did. Until laterz...
Click on the link below and please enter your birthday for me. It will take less than 1 minute. I am creating a birthday list of all my friends and family.
http://www.birthdayalarm.com/dob/295514a1933970b363
Many thanks
Angela (LadyIllusions)
This is a great idea! Go to http://endbreastcancer.com and click on the button that says, "Climb to End Breast Cancer."
You'll be one of the first people participate in the largest virtual mountain climb in the world! With every click, (or "step") you generate a donation to eliminate the environmental causes of breast cancer--for free. Sponsors pay for your click and give the money to The Breast Cancer Fund's programs focusing on environmental links to breast cancer. It only takes a second! Click here: http://endbreastcancer.com
I also like this site, may be interesting to some not so much to others
www.waketodie.proboards45.com
Oh yeah I am excited to say I found DJ's Uncle Mark he is pretty happy. I am happy for DJ but we'll see how far it will take us to getting in contact with his dad. I really hope for DJ's sake that Mark will help him. He really wants to talk to his dad. So wish him luck...

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Mood: AWAKE
Music: objects in the rearview mirror-meatloaf

sattorie Emotional Me Nov 15th, 2005 2:24:15 am - Subscribe

Well Phil and I had a fight today. I am a little overtired and cranky today so I probably am more hard to get along with today. I think it's the fact my birthday is inching it's way here.
I kinda am upset because Mary was the one child who would happily say happy birthday to me, she may not have been nice the whole day but she has always remembered and always said happy birthday to me. Lately I am starting to miss her more than I did. I still have fights with Phil over her I guess in a way I blame him for her not being here. Realistically I know he's not but I guess he's an easy target.
It's nice to have been able to talk to friends. I was sad to hear one of them died recently of diabetes. Why does death have to be so abundant? I hate hearing that word lately it sets me off hugely. He was my age too, things like that should not happen. So why does it?
Princess has been bad she chewed Phil's bike seat and pedal. Yikes. It's not like we don't get her toys to chew on and we play with her alot. LOL when she knows she is in trouble with Phil she runs into her dog house. That cracked me up, cause otherwise she won't go into it. Silly dog.
I am frustrated cause awhile ago Phil got me a digital camera and everytime I out new batteries in it keeps telling me the batteries are low. So I may have to take it back and see wtf is going on with it. It also shows some pics up as dark. I am so happy to have one I want it to work darn it.
Oh Feel free to join my yahoo 360 page. Would be great to have you on my
friends list
http://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu?inv=L28lqwtnKg--&r=
Ya know talking to friends in Ontario I miss it more and more. I wish so darned much I could go back to ontario. Phil won't go and kids have all their family is here. I just miss it so much. Maybe if I went back to visit I would stop aching to go back there so badly. Cause sometimes it makes me cry. I think I just did't get to leave on terms I was ready for. BC is so nothing like Ontario.
Have not heard anymore from DJ's uncle but I did give him his email addy my email addy and our address so maybe Bryan will contact DJ. I sure hope so. DJ really super bad wants to talk to him. Last I heard he was in Ottawa and it looks like his brother went to University there studying the same stuff Bryan studied.
How do people think of teens being online with webcams? I have an issue with it. I just get scared bad things will happen or could happen.
I don't know what is wrong with me I just want to cry today but am trying not to. Like my dad used to say what does crying accomplish? I just am being stupid crying!
God I feel so alone right now. I am so weak ya know? I can't help but question what is the point of my exhistance?
Ya know this link I am giving upsets me. One because it is in canada, I thought our country was better than this. Two these seals are babies and it's sport. How do these people live with themselves?
Help protect baby seals from a cruel and senseless hunt subsidized by the Canadian government!
When you click this link, sponsors make a donation to the help the International Fund for Animal Welfare buy air time for its public service announcements that will build public awareness of and opposition to the baby seal hunt. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more!
Simply go to the site and click on the "Click to help" button. It takes one second. Remember, you're only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know!
Just click: http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 Please care enough to help click just once a day this is so careless and cruel it just breaks my heart
Having been through domestic abuse I know all the help we can give this link is very important to me too:
I just learned some really upsetting facts about violence against women, and I need your help:
- In the US, a woman is raped every 6 minutes; a woman is battered every 15 seconds.
- In North Africa, 6,000 women are genitally mutilated each day.
- This year, more than 15,000 women will be sold into sexual slavery in China.
- 200 women in Bangladesh will be horribly disfigured when their spurned husbands or suitors burn them with acid.
- More than 7,000 women in India will be murdered by their families and in-laws in disputes over dowries.
Here's what you can do:
Visit this link: http://stopviolence.care2.com/i?p=522077044
You will generate a donation to Amnesty International's End Violence Against Women program. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more! Simply go to the site and click on the "End Violence" button. It takes 5 seconds. However, you're only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know! Thanks for your help!
Ya know what I found funny that the news said the other day? Not so much that canadian troops were being deployed out but by what the news anchor said "The SO CALLED war on terrorism" Not sure you would hear that statement in the USA or elsewhere but the other night he said it exactly like that. I mean what does that say about canadians feelings on the war? Any thoughts?
Anyhow I am off for now...

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Mood: deflated
Music: objects in the rearview mirror

sattorie Happy Bday to Me Nov 17th, 2005 6:09:18 am - Subscribe

Well last night Doug and I kinda got into it. We have never truly
had a huge fight or anything, however we do have our tiffs. Last
night was pretty bad. I don't know we will be talking again
anytime again soon. He was supposed to coome over last night but
I ended up making that not happen.
On a happier note Phil took me out to dinner last night because
he is working tonight. We went to Moxies and ran into Colin. We
were supposed to go watch a movie but I just wasn't up to it.
Phil tried to change my mind but I don't think I could have sat
through a movie last night. He surprised me with a cellphone for
my bday. I cannot even begin to say how happy I was to get that. I also have an ipod and leather jacket coming. He got them on ebay so were good prices. Not the jacket in my dream entry but my whole family has had leather jackets and I always wanted one so I am happy. God Phil can be so incredible sometimes.
Today he got me a cake and we had subway for dinner. Well he had got subway Princess ate mine. I am choked about that. DJ bought me the CD Eurythmics Ultimate Collection CD and his card was so loving and sweet I cried. Mary called this morning but only to talk to Sarah and not me, so that made me cry. But whatever.
So I guess my birthday didn't suck as much as I thought it would. WIsh Phil had, had the day off but that's life right?
Been doing laundry and trying to get that done. Not sure how all
the blankets got down there but at least they are all washed and clean now. I see we need to get more bath towels though. Not sure where they all disappeared but with everything clean there is just not as many as there should be. I was cleaning my room too. I still need to do the dresser, under the bed and wash the floor. I gues ya can say my energy is slowly finding it's way back. I guess that happens when your less stressed.
DJ has such a bad habit of not being reachable that we decided
he needs cell and his allowance is going towards it. Telus has a
deal where we can use Phil's now older phone buy the setup for
65 dollars and then set it up online and get 75$ of airtime. How
good a deal is that? Phil asked twice and the lady said alot of people question it because it is such a good deal. Half DJ's
allowance will be going to his celltime every month. He's a little
upset because he wanted a flip phone I told him to save up if he
wants one. Be Happy to have a phone right?
I have to say my friends are wonderful. Sherri called me, Doreen
called me, Michael sang happy birthday to me until I had to talk
to him about family maintence I don't even want to go there
about what was said then

Anyhow Vickie sent me a card by
mail, Phoenix sent an email card as did my grandmother. I got so
many online friends who sent messages, and ecards, truly if one
of you is reading this it meant alot to me. I hate birthdays they
always make me cry. I know I can't be the only one who gets so
depressed about bdays.
I was soooooooooooooo happy yesterday my counsellor called me
and because it will take awhile for me to get into group she and
my psychiatrist have agreed to see me until I can get in. Thank
God because I need a review of my meds. My meds are making me
feel ill now as is T1's for that matter. Ibuprofen doesn't kill my
pain. Any suggestions?
Is anyone else watching Martha Stewart Apprentice? I was so not
into watching it but nothing else is on in that time slot. Funny
enough it has captured my interest and I find myself interested
in it now. I am in respect of team matchstick. My favorite one was when they did Tide to go Joe for Tide to go stick. Because of them I actually want to get a couple of those pens. One for me to keep with me and one for Phil for work ect. You have to love the economical price too. Hey to my candian friends do you all know about http://www.save.ca ? I love that site because they send you coupons and with my needing to save as much as possible I wish there were more sites like that.
K this is html not sure if it will work on here but if it does cool:
http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/count_hugs.cgi?hug=LadyIllusions
*HUGS* TOTAL!
http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/hugs.cgi?&HUGS=yes&hug=LadyIllusions give LadyIllusions more *HUGS*
http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/gethugs.cgi Get hugs of your own
http://English-8101850988.SpamPoison.com http://pics.inxhost.com/images/sticker.gif
As per usual I also have a couple sites
you can check out that I joined/signed lately. ONE: The
Campaign to Make Poverty History. Your voice DOES make a difference!
lend your voice to help beat global AIDS and poverty. Sign the
declaration now at ONE.org. ONE by ONE, we can make the difference.
We are seeking 80,000 people who are willing to be part of an
experiment to see if we can shift the world's perception of "good and evil" to a perception of love. It won't cost you any money and will take only seconds a day. We believe we are all one mind and that if enough people (critical mass) could shift their own personal perception--change their minds--about the existence of evil, then the whole planet could shift into a perception of love.
We also believe that world peace begins with each individual achieving a state of peace within themselves. We can begin to do
that for ourselves by becoming aware of the "negative" influences
in our lives and choosing consciously to eliminate or shift those
influences.
What we propose is a two step process as follows:
STEP 1: Whenever you perceive that a negative event is
occurring, either by witnessing it in person or hearing about it in the media, say the words "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS." This phrase sends "positive" energy to the perceived negative event as you stand as an observer in non-judgment. It will also help shift the perception that for good to exist, evil must also exist (polarity
theory). As your perception shifts, you will perceive less and less
negativity. This process therefore acts as a barometer to measure
your own sense of inner peace. The less negativity you perceive, the less you will find yourself needing to affirm "Only Love Prevails".
STEP 2: Become aware that the news media has a profound impact on your perception. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from exposure to "negative" or fear-based stories in the media. This might mean that you filter your exposure to the news media and become very selective about what you do read or watch or listen to or it might mean giving up watching or listening to newscasts or reading newspapers altogether. Just bringing your awareness to the negativity that permeates the news media, however, will help shift your consciousness.We feel that if enough people (critical mass) stopped exposing themselves to the "negative energy" generated by the news media and repeated "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS" whenever exposed to a report of an incident that appeared to be negative that we could
shift the consciousness of the planet to a perception that ONLY
LOVE PREVAILS. This would be a giant step toward achieving a
state of inner as well as outer peace.
In order for us to know when we reach our goal of 80,000, we
are keeping track of number of people who are participating as well as the demographics (how many in each country).
If you would like to participate in this experiment, we would love
to hear from you. Please fill out our online form at:
http://www.onlyloveprevails.org.
This experiment began in December 1997. As of November 2004
we have had over 21,000 people from 146 countries around the world officially participating with every state in the United
States represented. We encourage you to join in this world changing experiment and to tell your friends. Together we will create a world of peace where... ONLY LOVE PREVAILS.
With all the negativity around I think that is so great. I am curious what the results will show. Anyhow off for now....

3 Comments
Mood: alright
Music: Sweet Dreams are made of these

sattorie I hate MLA\'s Nov 18th, 2005 4:58:58 am - Subscribe

Today in BC our MLA"s gave themselves the hugest raise ever. The premiere who is the biggest asshole ever will be getting over 60,000 more a year. Hello they took wages down, he cut welfare costs. He made it almost impossible for single mothers not to room up with people just to be able to live. I am even having problems now because they want me to go back to family maintence and ding me twice. I pay my brother and I get my money cut, how the fuck does that work? I may have to go back to court and vary Michael's order which will fuck him up because he gets taxes back now and soon as it's varied that will no longer happen. So Michael is super pissed and I tell ya I bawled. I tried so hard to keep things on a good note. All because certain people want as much money as possible. But whatever. Anyhow I think I agree with the people pissed about the MLA's getting pay hikes. Their families go through alot with them being MLA's well what about the teachers? What about our healthcare system. Soon we will be as bad as the USA for healthcare at the rate things are changing. My doctor is awesome so I keep her but it costs money to miss an appointment, to get any letter, to sign any forms, to call in a prescription among other things. Because they don't get enough from medical. This is bullshit!Another thing upsetting me is the OPEN DOOR finally got a place while their new place is built. I thought wow awesome because where else did they have to go. But no now the businesses around it are trying to get it shut down. One guy said why do we need to be around people who need meical, need money, need clothes or food? Why should we be subjected to these people. I hope they one day never go through being one of "THOSE PEOPLE" How fucking ignorant is it to say something so cold? STREETLINK is getting people going against them too, people are so damn cold. You don't have to be afraid, open your heart and try to see where these people are coming from. People don't end up on the streets out of nowhere they all have a story. How hard is it to try and care and understand how hard it must be to be intheir situation. Even drug addicts get that their addicts. It is so hard to stop even if you want to. I never did drugs but I have seen it. I also know when I drink I have issues not with drinking everyday but stopping when I have had enough. I know it would be real easy to drink daily I love the numb feeling. But I don't. But these people who have lost their families and life and home, it is hard to see what stopping would give them. Have a heart, one day it could be you or someone you love...One thing Phil says he loves about me is when I believe in something I don't back down. I get emotional and strongly vocal about it. He thins though I feel too much and that I don't need to get so upset about things. Maybe that is true but who will? Someone has to. I would love to work where I could help arrange help for people. When my friends mother almost died from an overdose I got alot of people together and we got her sent out to be with her mother. They think it was her voice that brought her out of it. When my brothers wife died and then daughter was sick and then died I had so many groups praying and helping out to send him things and helped send me out to help him. I wish I could do that all the time. I wish I could do it from home and get paid. God I could do that so easily and be so happy, but who would hire someone for a job like that? I liked one hjob I had I got to search people down who's family had died I found them all. I found a friends father and I tracked my son's dad down to Ottawa. I love doing things like that. It kills my back to sit or stand for long periods of time. I hate it. But a job like that I could do on my own hours and I need to make calls so I can move around. Makes me depressed that there is no real call for people like that. I've been thinking about doing a couple of courses at a time enrolling as a mature student doing criminology and psychology, First couple years in Psych though I will need a tutor. I had real issues with first year psych. I love it though God how I love it. When I am doing things like that my depression is so much less. I wish school wasn't a monetary issue

I got my ipod mini today. DJ has it charging I don't know how to use it so he's gonna set it all up and teach me how to use it. I need some speakers for it though. Now I want the I-DOG real bad. If I ever get the nano I will give DJ this one. Now I also want the TIVO that finally came out here. OMG that poor family, a faMILY LOST THEIR MOVING VAN AND IT WAS FOUND BUT EVERYTHING WAS TAKEN BUT A BOX OF TOYS AND SOMETHING ELSE. A jogger who saw it on the news saw it. What is with people. Uhaul said they were not covered for theft. Ever so nice too they say MAYBE we will wave the 2500 dollar fee but not replace the stolen goods. God stuff like that upsets me so bad. Why do people do things like that?Oh we got a notice our Chrisco hampers come out on the 6th of dec so we will see how worth they were to pay a bit each month. We're not gonna do it again for next year. Oh I joined a couple sites, http://www.zorpia.com it's pretty cool as far as I can tell and http://www.tagworld.com I'm LadyIllusions there too You would not believe how many requests a day I get to accept people to my ringo. It's basically just a place where you can see friends pics and email http://www.ringo.comOh yeah remember how I said I didn't think I'd talk to Doug for awhile. Phil said Doug would apologize and I didn't agree but he did apologize, his reason for snapping was not one I think was ok or acceptable and I told him so. He apologized and I guess that's fine. I just see things differently now, a good friend of mine has had me thinking alot and the things she has said have alot of weight with me. I just wish things could be as easy as she points out. They sound easy but doing them is not....

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Mood: aggravated
Music: Sweet Dreams Are Made of These