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sattorie Phil was here again - Subscribe
Well Phil was here again. He went to counselling and has an appointment for intake to couple counselling next tuesday as do I by ourselves.
Michael is not paying his support this month which so screws me. I love how he just decides when he will or won't pay. Sometimes I despise him so much. I talked to his mom today and she says that he is still taking Mary at the end of the school year so at least I have that.
Made calls and slowly but surely we are getting Mary into a busy schedule. The busier I can keep her the better.
Thankfully Karyn so far is taking her on weekends too so at least I have that much as well.
Today was just a bad day Karyn had to let me know she got another dog while I am still upset over loosing Princess. Michael isn't paying up. Phil is still cold. I called my counsellor and she is gone till monday. It was just a joke.
But I am starting to calm down. I cleaned the kitchen, picked up crap laying around the livingroom and getting DJ to take out the garbage and vacuum the livingroom. Maybe I'll dust in a bit. I also need to go down and do up the laundry that I have no idea where it came from. I had that basement clean too it pisses me off.
I hope to get to washing the floors sometime this weekend cause they are driving me insane. I would like to get someone in to steamclean the carpets.
I told the kids we can get another dog, just have to keep my out for a small puppy that won't get much bigger than 15-20lbs.
Ya know it sucks cause only person I been close to this past year is Phil. I barely talk to anyone, I never go out, I never invite people over. I have just shut myself up in a shell and now I am dying inside and feel so abandoned and confused and alone. I don't know what to do or say to anyone.
OMG Sarah and Mary are fighting over fricken tea, there was so less fighting when Mary wasn't here.
Just have to make it till summer. I knew when Mary came home there would be a chance Phil would walk, and he did. Has even said maybe when she is gone he will come back. He says she is not the reason but I know she is a big part of the reason.
Well I cleaned up a big part of the kitchen, DJ and I worked on the livingroom and Mary is doing the bathroom. Got DJ to take out 2 bags of garbage will dust tonight or tomorrow.
My Taz came in today but since Phil bought it I don't want to see it. Told him to keep it.
I hate that I feel like I am being controlled. I feel like I have to do as exactly told or I am pretty much done. Yet nothing I do do is enough there's just nothing I can say or do to make any difference. I feel like I am just dying and I am grabbing out for life and no one is there except to push me back down. I really hate how much I am hurting and I feel so alone and abandoned. I just am not sure where to reach or what I can do or say. I am just not worth more than a toy....
2 Comments
Mood: crying
Music: I\'m all out of love

sattorie Crazy Messed Up Confused Feb 5th, 2006 12:12:37 am - Subscribe
Well I went last night to watch the girls and Phil in karate class, took a bunch of pics. My god I have so many pics to work on right now it is not even funny. Anyhow I came to the conclusion last night that if I have any chance at being where I want to be I can't be me anymore. I am not good enough and I have to try and be someone else. I keep hearing that sentence over and over in my head "your not good enough". I realized that I have complete loss of control, I obviously am not worthy if I don't become someone else. The person I am or am changing from is useless and worthless and just not loveable. So fine I will be calmer I will be what they call a stepford wife, or least try. I will force myself to look at the darkness and I will hide my tears away from those who can see because to see them only makes me stupid and weak they don't fix anything. Apparently I am very supportive and I always try to help but those two things don't count for a damn thing.
I still am not eating, people are even noticing my loosing weight. I have barely eaten a thing since Phil left. I try to eat and I just want to puke. I drink a little, enough to keep me going. Milk, water, a little pop. Even Dj has told me this not eating is not good but I just am so destroyed inside and feel so worthless and unloved that I just can't fathom food. At least I am sleeping now out of pure exhaustion. Still not sleeping all the hours I need though. I have most of the laundry from the basement done and put away I have a bit more. I plan tomorrow to get to work on taking garbage out from down there and washing the floors. I dusted most of the livingroom yesterday I have bit more to do. My back hurts but too bad for me I should just bite it and deal with the pain. I haven't had my iron shots in almost two months Phil hates to go to the doctor and doesn't think anyone needs to go as much as I have. I am supposed to go every two weeks but maybe he's right maybe I am just weak and I don't need it.
I got the dishes into the dishwasher, DJ washed the pans. Sarah and her friends worked on the backyard and then I made them scrub up the mud they got on my carpet. My back yard is a freakin creek. How many more damn days of rain do we need for crying out loud?
I told Phil I want my leather jacket back, my ring back and Storm. I am the one who got Storm who calls the vet and make sure he has the medical attention he needs. Yeah he is close to Phil but Casper misses Storm and with Princess gone I miss having Storm. Mary is taking Casper when she leaves. We never see him anyway he is not vocal and interactive like Storm is.
I colored a poster for the kids and have one for Phil. Mary had dolphins, DJ a dragon and Sarah a unicorn I find it therapeutic to colour the velvet posters. I have a bunch of them.
Watching Law and Order CI I love the old cops but not these new two. Right now though the old cops are on this show.
Ya know I went out shopping yesterday and Phil and Mary automatically assumed I went with a guy. Why would you make that assumption for pete's sake? DJ was like oh yeah such a hard ass fun time at Walmart.
So Valentines Day is coming. My kids are oh so lucky they get their eyes checked that day. LOL I am ready for the day though I guess as ready as I can be. It's always been my favorite special occasion, although this year I just don't know what to expect. I don't seem to know anything lately. Feel more lately like I am told what to do what to say what to think and how to act. I'm so bad because I keep to myself and don't go out. Fine I will go out. I will go to counselling, I will apologize for everything and I will not blame for anything ever again. I mean that's how I feel and even that I don't know if it is right.
Ya know I did listen to Phil constantly put himself down and ask me how I could love him. If I got mad or anyone else we wanted him gone so we could do whatever. How long can you hear that before you start to wonder if maybe he is right?
I don't feel very supported by my family and I never have but Phil is and yet even though they protect him and love him he sees it as a negative. He thinks they don't think he is capable of anything. I have tried so hard to tell him I don't see it that way and that they really love him. I can't look or mention a peep about his younger brother or I am hot for him. He's made it known a certain brother in law hates me. He builds up his neices and their mother to God status and I feel like if I speak around them I will just sound stupid and so I just try to keep quiet. Phil grew up in some similiar situations as my kids and so he tries to fix what he think was done wrong by his mother. But I keep telling him we're not him and his family we're us.
I also hate being told what I think and feel. What is good for me. No it's not good for me it's good for him.
I do love Phil, I love him with his thining hair that he freaks about daily, I love his hairy chest and his hairy back is just fine by me. His blue eyes will melt any persons heart and when he is tender my God he is so tender. But when he's hard and cold he is super hard and cold. So right now I feel like I am standing on the edge and I am being dangled and can be dropped at any moment.
I'm trying to save myself by trying to be someone new. It's hard but when you love someone you will do anything for them right? cry.gif
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Mood: shattered
Music: I\'m all out of love

sattorie My perspective Feb 12th, 2006 12:24:18 am - Subscribe
The following quotes are found in The Daily News (Halifax) By MARLA CRANSTON The Daily News december 1994
''Sackville electrician David Dicks will find out three days before Christmas whether he'll be locked up indefinitely for his 12-year history of severe pedophilia.
Nova Scotia Supreme Court Justice William Kelly said he'll rule Dec. 22 whether to declare Dicks a dangerous offender.''
''Dicks, 33, is willing to be castrated to avoid that tag, which brings an indeterminate sentence.
He molested 10 children in British Columbia and Nova Scotia since 1982 -- all boys and girls aged 11 and under.''
''Dicks seemed to be every parent's dream, helping out in the Boy Scout movement and volunteering at a B.C. hospital's pediatric ward. That's where he met one of his earliest victims, a five-year-old girl suffering from a blood disorder.
He befriended her parents and visited the family often, eventually boarding with them and becoming a surrogate father when the couple separated.''
''On a camping trip, Dicks played "truth or dare" with a group of children, offering candy rewards, Presse said.''
''The B.C. crimes netted Dicks three years in jail in April 1983.''
''Sackville pedophile David Dicks would be better off getting a "chemical castration" than actual surgery, says an Ottawa expert in sex deviants.
Surgical castration is "very effective" but presents an ethical dilemma, Dr. John Bradford told Nova Scotia Supreme Court yesterday.
''The Crown wants repeat child molester Dicks, 33, jailed indefinitely as a dangerous offender. He has had six sex-crimes convictions''
''Dicks, formerly of Danny Drive, is willing to try castration to curtail his sexual impulses.''

These are only some of the pieces from the 3 articles found but I do have to say I have an opinion or two about this.
1. this makes me so sick that someone could have been in jail for 2 and 3 yr sentences only to do it again, what the hell is wrong with our justice system. Do people know how this affects the kids in their lives? I can tell you I know what it does I have seen it first hand and it makes me ill
2. Different doctors obviously had different opnions about castration apparently surgical castration only takes away 95% of the hormones and from what I know chemical castration is not a permanent think if the regimen is not followed. Not to mention It gets rid of that part but they still have hands eyes and the sick mind that put them there in the first place. To go for castration so you don't get listed as a dangerous offender and do life in jail is bull!
This guy has had enough chances he is a dangerous offender and what makes me even sicker is how hard it was to track this guys info down. People who have kids need to know this stuff. He volunteered for boy scouts and the pediatric ward for goodness sake. What the hell? I think canada needs to make it harder for these people and make it more common knowledge so that there is less of a chance of them doing it again. I can't find what his sentence ended up being and not sure where he is as one doctor I guess felt ontario may have been a better place in the jail system for programs for guys like him. Why is it so hard to find out what happened at the end of all this? Those who are parents and love children should really be concerned as this is just one out there and from the info I have read he's one in a sea of predators. Something has got to change!!!
Anyhow moving on did you watch entertainment tonight? The lady who went out and talked to people as herself and then as a fat suit person? I could cry watching that. People really do discriminate with weight the difference is so obvious and disgusting. Ya know people with weight issues are not always lazy or unhealthy. Some fat people have health issues that cause the problems. I know my weight has fluctuated with my meds which is another reason I hate taking themsad.gif Some people gain weight with something traumatic that happened in their life. It is something that keeps in their mind safe. My surgeon said it is also alot to do with heredity. I had weightloss surgery the RNY Roux en Y (gastric bypass), also had a pannelectomy to take off the excess skin I had after loosing almost 200lbs. I gained a bit back but I pray to never get back to where I was. Ya know when I was younger I was tiny in everyway except always had big hips and a big butt, no matter what I do I just do. Happens to be right through my mom's side of the family. Do people realize how many teens starve themselves or purge because society makes such a huge deal of weight. What the hell is wrong with people? Ya know after I lost all the weight I became anemic and still am very anemic, I had to get my gallbladder out and I now have osteoarthritis in my upper lumbar spine which causes me so much pain ya have no idea. Some days I just wish to die because the pain is just too much. Before and after weightloss I still am diagnosed with bi-polar, severe depression, OCD, Post traumatic stress disorder and another disorder I still have a hard time talking about. Let's just say it causes physical scars. No weight will ever change that about me.
Phil is nicely built I think yet he thinks God is unfair to some and not others as he has hair on his chest and back, his hair is thining and he has pretty bad psorisis which I also have but only on my scalp although may be developing on my arms now too. However his hair bothers him it doesn't bother me the thinning or the body hair. Who cares I mean honestly. He is also only 5'4" and I know alot of women give him the cold shoulder because of it. I love it because I am only 5'1" and a half. It's honestly nothing to me. He has blue eyes that melt your heart. His blonde hair is still beautiful to me. He is built so his arms being around you can't help you feel anything but safe.
Ya know what he did? He bought us tickets to Aerosmith omg I am so excited I can't barely wait. I can't remember seeing them in canada before. I am so damn excited. I thought I lost my camera in his car one day last week and he swore he looked and it wasn't there. I was so upset. So he bought me a new one online. I went to karate last night with him and Sarah and there it was between the seats. I should have gone and looked. Grrrrr. After karate last night he bought us pizza at dominos and spent the night. I won't see him again for a couple days now. He did say last night he noticed things are better between us and alot calmer. Part of that is I reserve my judgements and frustrations and keep them to myself. No point in getting him riled up. Pretty quiet here no kids here tonight. No kids and no Phil. Hmmmmmmm....
Ya know I am so tired of this Tonya Harding News lately, I used to watch the figure skating all the time until she had Nancy Kerrigan attacked. I just lost interest then. She sure has changed alot that Tonya.
Doug has still written me little one sentence emails every now and again. Never longer than a sentence.
Ya know who else who is coming that I really really want to see? MOTLEY CRUE omg I so wish I could go see them. Phil tried to get me Bryan Adams tickets but they were sold outsad.gif I was sad about that.
I had an uncomfortable feeling today when Phil talked to Cheri and she doesn't want this guy Jim I think it is to know Phil is living there. I was like that doesn't sound right. Phil said he is not sure what it's about but Cheri is living with her guy and they have a kid and so nothing is going on. I guess I just must be too parnoid like he said. I guess knowing he has skinny dipped with her makes me feel a little skeptical. I guess skinny dipping to me is only for two people who are close who share that together. Phil thinks it's ok to skinny dip with anyone and everyone. I guess in some ways I am a little held back. No one would have guessed that. Makes me cry though I just have a real hang up with it. Ya know I have done alot but have not done that with anyone.
Did anyone watch 48hrs mystery last week. The little 13 yr old girl who was accused of killing a baby when she was babysitting but was to me it seemed coerced into making the statements she made and no family or lawyer so the judge wouldn't allow that into the court so no charges are pending at this time. The girl babysat for days on end. She was 13 I think of my 13 yr old and it just I think was unreasonable to have her being alone with those kids as much as she was. The mother should have found someone older. But that's my opinion I guess. Anyhow I rambled long enough... Later....
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Mood: contemplative
Music: Love in an elevator

sattorie Ugh I can be so stupid Feb 14th, 2006 3:54:07 am - Subscribe
Life is so sucking I am the stupid damn person on the planet. I had to call maintence as we had a little bathroom emergency well I was in such a rush I did not see the adapter Mary had knocked onto the top of the stairs and tripped on it and fell on my back all the way down the stairs. Mary insisted my mom take me to the hospital as Phil was working and also felt I should go to the hospital. Both were very insistant. So Mary came with and my mom dropped us off and there w were for many many many hours. To find out I have bruised back ribs, whiplash in my neck (apparently more of my stupidity because I made things worse by trying to stop the fall), I pulled muscles in my stomach that hurt so damn bad, and they thought I fractured my leg which I insisted I did not and xrays showed I was right it was the shock of landing on the adapter. I actually have the plug marks right into my foot. Which probably sent the shock into my leg thus I could barely walk. Mom came back and picked us up and Phil met me when he got off work. Not sure why because he was very withdrawn and I even painfully showered by myself because I just had to after all the limping. I thought I was going to die. It took till 6am before I was finally able to sleep. Nothing helped my pain. Not to mention Phil and I talked alot and it was some misunderstandings and some of this and that just kinda ended with just being to tired to continue. I wish people could get memory chips because what started it with him and I is his insisting I did not tell him about the kids appointment on valentines day and I know I did because telling him a day or two before frustrates him so I do try to tell him a week or so ahead but even then alot of times he doesn't remember and then we argue and I cry and then I wish I could do something so that wouldn't happen. I hate arguing with him it upsets me so much I mean so so much. I want him to be happy I hate upsetting him. Why can't I ever get anything right?
Before I leave about the hospital I have to say it is bull when someone has a stroke and the hospital has them waiting hours for a doctor. Hello damn it this person could die what the hell is wrong with people? Canada's medical system really needs help. This is sad and disgusting seriously.But maybe that's just me, ticks me off to no end.
So Mary stayed home today because she was tired from the night at the hospital. So she spent alot of hours in the basement cleaning with me. OMG it is so bare you would not believe it was a basement. Still no dog that I so supoosedly fricken had grrrr. I know I sent it to georgia I thought it was going to be put at the site. Like what the hell would I keep something so important to him for? That so upsets me. So anyhow my basement is pretty much bare. We threw out so much. DJ and Phil and Sarah took the stuff we brought up to go in the trash. I am sure some people scavenged for some of it but I care not. I did find my brothers elephant collection that Mary apparently always knew was there.
Oh my toilet now has a brand new handle that is nice to have again.
Mary didn't want to do the kitchen like she is supposed to but I just did it anyhow. So dishwasher is running and I made the cake because it didn't get made either. OMG I am hurting so damn bad now. Phil did tell me to rest but I wanted to get things done. I'll get some painkillers tomorrow the ones I had are now gone. Not that they did a damn thing.
Oh I was throwing away extra carpet and I guess I grabbed something Phil left behind a carpet or some thing that he just flipped right out about when he saw I threw out. Turns out it is something that his family has had a long time. I just wanted to cry I felt so bad. It was fine it was not with anything bad so now it is hung up and he is joyfully happy now.
Man I wish I had more pickles left I am so eating alot of tuna lately since I don't eat much I eat at least a bit of that at a time. Brainfood I guess. I guess I need it since my brother, Christine, my aunt Judy and Tiffanie at the very least think I am stupid and everything else. Yeah I don't hide behind the need to control and lie oh bad me for being so open about my life. Screw anyone who feels the need to hide who they are grow up for God sakes!
Apparently Jim now knows Phil is living at Cheri's. He apparently didn't like Phil but has decided he's fine with him there and they all talked. But apparently how I see or feel or anything else is irrelevant. My feelings don't matter and was told as much! So I guess I should just put up and shut up!
I have such a wish to meet Criss Angel/mindfreak. OMG he is so damn hot. His stunts though freak me out. I mean making it look like he was chopped up in a tree chopper and getting hit by a car and making the guy believe he was dead. What a hard thing to watch a few times I cried I was like OMG. When he got shocked and had to go to the hospital holy hell batman I felt like that was it don't go for the real thing. He really likes to push the limits he is so different from any other magician and so much hotter hello baby kiss me yeah baby.
I signed a petition for Cody Posey I don't want to him get an adult sentence. I just feel so much for that boy and I truly feel his uncle was not truly honest in his family testimony on the stand. I am sorry but too many people really seemed to collaborate Cody's testimony.
I feel like I am dying I am so sore what was I thinking doing so much and I did laundry too.
What do you say to somebody who always asks you why you love them? That they aren't worth loving? That only one person in their family and their two daughters are the only people in the world that makes them feel like they are not out of place and don't belong? How do you make them see you do love them, they are worth loving and they do belong not only with you but with their friends and family as well? I mean if you see it and they don't and nothing you say or do makes them understand that then what?
Damn my back is hurting so damn bad. of all the places to land on why my back? I could have fallen on my butt and been fine. You should have heard Mary tell the nurses and doctor trying not to laugh but not being able to help herself she giggled so loud and said all her and DJ heard was cachook cachook cachook cachook kacccssssssshhhhhhh and she still laughs. I figure when the pain fades I will laugh too. Right now the pain just makes me crysad.gif Anyhow hope all is well with everyone else.... oh and Happy Valentines Day happy.gif
1 Comments
Mood: Sore
Music: Your all I need is you my valentine

sattorie Not sure how to feel.... Feb 17th, 2006 12:00:00 am - Subscribe
Well Phil has been around a little more, but if anyone thinks that has made anything more clear it has not. I am getting nothing but mixed signals and emotions. One minute I feel one thing the next I feel like I am stupid and don't know a damn thing. I just feel like I am damned if I don't and I am damned if I do. I feel like because I have made some positive changes on one hand he thinks it is good but on the other he makes me feel bad because he says him leaving made me better. But if I didn't change then that would be a reason to stay gone. So what the hell am I supposed to say or do because honest to God I feel so screwed up and confused. I don't even know who I am or am not anymore. I do know I did alot wrong and I took some things for granted that I shouldn't have. I blamed when I shouldn't have. I definetly am no innocent.
I also always threw the fact Doug loves me and has and will always love me. Not so much because I was with Doug but because I wanted Phil to love me for me. I have always felt like he couldn't do that and I always felt Doug could. The problem with Doug is he always works and I never see him. When I do see him well we all know what happens but then its always an eternity before I see him again and I get the 5 min call when he finds time and a sentence here and there in email. But Doug never yelled, never hit. He also has still in almost 8 yrs never met my son. Rarely spent a night and just always had me waiting. I do love Doug he is witty and charming and he never makes me feel stupid, he does however leave me lonely. I can talk to him about anything and everything and only time we misconstrue one another is in emails and on the net. Still it always hurt to wait for him to all hours and weeks on end. It was the whole reason I fell for Phil.
Phil tried to get along with my kids from day 1, he spent nights before we ever got involved. He took me places, we did things, he made me laugh. I did at first try to avoid him I couldn't though. He was just so easy to be around and he made me laugh and smile. He made me feel so less alone. He fulfilled something I didn't even know needed filling. He brought me around his family right away and always proudly introduced me to friends. Never held back PDA's. I miss the days we first got together things were a little looser and carefree I would love to find that again. I think the way we communicate definetly is an issue because we can't seem to communicate at all. Although last few weeks we do talk a little more. Still both of us see things a little more differently than I would like. I am trying to understand where he is coming from but I can't seem to seperate my pain enough to do that. How do I tell him that though? *tears*
Then there is feeling like I can't always say exactly how I feel because of the rush to judgement I feel there is. Like I won't ask him for a damn thing because he thinks that's all we care about is what he can give us. Even after I told him sell everything you ever gave me, don't buy me anything I will do anything to make his debts easier because I know its all he thinks about lately. If I ask for anything it's wanting things if I offer to sell stuff I am trying to hurt him and erase him. How do you get it through a persons head that it's not what someone can give you that lasts it's what they make you feel? He was going to buy this motorcycle blanket from choppers that I want on valentines day but I felt like he was going to buy it from feeling obligated and I told him don't I don't need it I can get it another time. So he didn't. I did buy him 4 transformers that were discounted in a double pack and he had hinted at wanting them so I got them. I got him a lion that sings your my heart and inspiration, a vday card a box of chocolates, 3 keyrings, and took him to dinner. We were gonna see a movie but I ended up having a migraine. I had advil and motrin and more motrin and nothing worked probably because my neck is still hurting from the fall down the stairs. I finally gave in and got some codiene and finally with codiene and gravol I passed out and got rid of the migraine. Of course not before my sister sent me a really mean email. I once again burst into tears and just went to bed. Phil did what he could to consile me and DJ happened to see it was not happy. Was not like a major mean email just huge letters and degrading. *tears* still gets me upset.
We saw the couple counsellor today. I am not sure how he is gonna work for us. I talked most but also felt uncomfortable with a male counsellor. I also feel uncomfortable with his approach and it appears Phil is kinda feeling the same way. He did ask me today why I put up with the way my family upsets me. I didn't really have an answer. I guess my only answer is they are my family and you only get one. Not to mention I feel like obviously I am a bad person if everyone in my family hates me and puts me down. I mean how else do you explain it? I am a black sheep I will never be good enough and I will die knowing that. I know if I gave up and gave in to my sometimes suicidal thoughts my mom would just come yell at me and call me a selfish witch and I guess she would be right. It's so sad when DJ went into care the social workers actually said I had the most dysfunctial family she had ever met. One worker called my sister a *itch. Not just in front of me either I was shocked. One counsellor said they normally do that behind closed doors. My sister even tried to bring up my brothers past to be like she was so much better.
Speaking of which my family may hate me but the other night someone made a comment about how a certain family member is hated by someone they know as they have seen him in their circle of friends and they don't like the way he treats his fiancee. Holy crap I flipped. I was like excuse me? He treats her so good, he would do anything for her. Who the hell do they think they are to spread crap about him? Oh I was so ticked off and I made that known and I didn't want to hear it again and I better not!! Why do people say crap like that? I know they have to be wrong!
I have to admit I need to learn how to deal better with slights and hurt. I have either a spiteful side that will strike people out of my life forever and have done magick on. Or I take it out on myself. I hurt hard and deep and the pain feels so bad I just have never learned how to deal with it. I also have an issue with pushing the men in my life as the cousellor explained it as a way to test them. If they can deal with ... then they must really love me. I expect people to hurt me especially those I am closest too. So I have over time just shut everyone out trying to protect myself from being hurt.
I am really happy I am keeping up with keeping the house done up for the most part. Phil needs to fix the vacuum though.
I don't think there is a person out there who could possibly hate housework as much as I do. I despise it and wish it would do itself. I hate how it is never ending I hate how much pain it causes my back. I hate how kids can destroy it all within minutes. I had to neaten up Sarah's room already again. Everyone gets on my case about how much I do for her. She refuses to do anything and so I do it for her. I do get on her but eventually I just give up and do it.
I put most of my jewlery back on feels wierd. I want to wear it yet at the same time I look at it and I just feel such incredible hurt. I just feel so betrayed and I can't shake that. I am trying and I know it's a me issue I just can't seem to find it in me not to feel incredible hurt.
Phil's comp is running really slow even with the programs we got to help. He gets so frustrated and I wish I could shake a wand and make it behave but I don't know why it is acting like it is.
Ya know I do miss the way some of the clothes how they were in the old days holding breasts up and out, making hips and butts be adored. I was cursed with family big hips and butt and it is hard to loose. I had lost alot but my hips somewhat found a way back mostly my hips. Although I had gained another size or two I got back into my jeans again since the heartache lately. I guess that is one positive but could use loosing a bit more on hips. I wish so much they would cover pulling up my breasts and cutting off the excess fat from arms and thighs. Since the surgery and loosing weight they kinda look odd and even my hemotologist said it would be great if I could get a full tummy tuck and hip liposuctionsad.gif I so so so wish.
DJ is having friends over this weekend for his bday. I can't believe he is getting so old. If he grows anymore I am gonna scream he is already 6'1". Makes me feel so short. He wants a dairy queen icecream cake blech I hate them so do my girls. South Park as the design so I ordered that and he wants that pizza hut pizza that looks so nasty I want to puke. I must have a dirty mind because those pizza pop bites as the crust with cheese oozing from them is sick in my eyes view. But we only have a bday once a year right? He also wants a webcam still not sure how I feel about that ya know?
I am curious how people would deal with their teen if they found out they went out drinking, had a fire while they did that and then got real sick. I never di anything like that and different people seem to have different feelings about what a parent should do. How about weed? I mean if you try to stop it they will only want to do it more right? So what does a parent do? My dad would have fricken killed me. You should have seen how he reacted to my brother smoking. What ticked me off about that was he smoked. I do think you have to rethink how you deal with your teens if your doing something you don't want them to do. I don't smoke, never done illegal drugs and rarely drink. I finished highschool because I wanted my kids to finish despite anything that may try to impede that from happening. But how do you deal with a teen who wants something different from you? When does tough love become something you use? I am definetly inquisitive of anyone who has had teens or has teens because the issues now are so different from when they were young. Yikes parenting is hard hard hard. I happen to be a parent who has gone from being brought up in a strict military home to trying to be completely opposite and being told I am too layed back. Trying to find that middle is hard.
What would you do if in your past you knew someone who duct tapped a kids mouth because they mouthed off a parent? Wouldn't you say that is the epitome of abuse? How was something like that ok back in our day to you can't ground your kids now or wash out their mouth now? I found 123 timeout it does work with most kids. My girls it worked. Not sure why it works but it does. But timeout is not a teen tool, so what is the tool you do use? The counsellor I saw today says first take care of yourself. But is it really that straight forward? I hated when my mom told us we were second dad would always be first. We were kids, we needed her. How far does a parent go to care for both sides? Thing I am proud of is my kids feel free to talk to me about pretty much anything sometimes too much. I always wanted that. I just thought parenting teens would be so cool and fun but it's not it's hard. Sometimes it's fun. Mary is fun to shop with and she helps me pick clothes better than I can do. DJ can make me laugh and think in different ways and Sarah omg she makes me laugh. But when they dig in their heels it's hard.
I am into this dancing with the stars. I turn it off at 9pm though because I have to watch CSI and Without a Trace. I am a crime fanatic I love my crime shows hugely. Anyhow on dancing with the stars I vote for Lisa yeah she used to be Billy on Days. Speaking of Days of Our Lives grrrrrr I thought Mimi finally told Shawn about the baby and Belle and then it was a dream? Damn it I screamed. Mimi tell him already don't screw this up and stop listening to your psycho mother! On Passions I am sick sick sick of Theresa take her off NOW!
LOL sarah is being a comedian right now, just her and I at the moment. I sure hope power stays on with this crappy wind and cold we are having yuck!
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Mood: confused
Music: Thee You'll Be