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sattorie I Miss Feeling Alive - Subscribe

So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!

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Mood: gloomy
Music: Jesus Take The Wheel

sattorie Internal Confusion Jan 20th, 2007 10:19:53 pm - Subscribe

First I want to say thanks to the many who wrote me who also suffer bipolar and depression, who know what it is like to suffer deep depression like I have as of late. It really sucks to suffer through it and feel as if your alone. Sucks when meds aren't working and the suggestions for counselling omg I have had so much my psychiatrist and counsellor know me very well, too well. Sucks I hate always having to go back. Sad thing is I think you get 8 months at a time on doctor referal. Stupid stupid stupid. I have even asked for hospital stay to get a full workup and a psychiatrist to see me fulltime and maybe finally get the right mix of meds, but unless your killing someone or kill yourself apparently you can't get put in. Stupid I know. My brother told me all the reasons I wouldn't want to go in hospital but I personally at times really think it could be good for me. But apparently I am not depressed enough. Ce la vie I suppose.
Anyhow onto other things. I think I mentioned before I have been trying to reach Doug and we're both machine message leaving or a minute here and there. He finally writes me back an email and he is doing fantastic with Cindy. He said things in his email that say to me that he does not know how I think or feel at all. Makes me question if he ever has. Ya know Phil always says when I talk about Doug my eyes get all lit up I just get this sparkle. But I guess Doug he doesn't see that. His email ripped me up and I told him that. God I don't even know the last time I even saw Doug but his words can still tear me apart. He makes me sound like I don't care about him, hello I called him and his mom's place every damn day for 2 weeks and finally get hold of him call him at the time he tells me too and he still didn';t answer and I am the one who doesn't care? What the hell?
Phil has taken all his transformers and made a toyroom where he spends hours playing in. If he is not in there he is online doing something to do with transformers and whatever else. Our communication has become very low. He is just too busy being angry. He always screams how he is so damn ugly and fat and no longer looks good. Yet he is out alot. He has a bizzilion friends. His family adores him. Though according to him his family hates him his family loves only the twins and he is crap. They care more about me than him. Making me feel bad for talking to them. Before I was bad for having nothing to do with them, now I talk to them too much. What am I supposed to say when he goes on about how ugly he is? Girls look at him everywhere we go. What makes people draw away from Phil is his temper he is scary tempermental. He yells and throws his hands all over the place and doesn't give two shits to who he is doing it to or where he is doing it. If he is pissed he is gonna show it right then and there. Which has left me crying in public places many times now and embarrassed my kids. He has tried to calm down since his hospital job but calming down seems to mean not talking or being near people at all. That makes being calm pretty easy. I'm up here in my room alone alot.
Mary is talking about getting a job this summer somewhere around here, there were lots of jobs last year. So there should be lots available this year. Hard to believe my son and daughter are old enough to work.
Soccer season this year has sucked they keep cancelling the practices and games. God it's either snow or rain. What happened to all weather. My daughter is frustrated. She would play in any weather.
Our pictures came in, OMG Phil flipped out mega time. He says he is fat and ugly and old. He says he has horrible genetics from his mother. I am just so pissed. WHy does he do that? He has gone on about it for 2 days now. I've been home alone most of the day today which has been nice. I am getting used to always being here alone. I feel better in my head but my body is feeling really weak and achy. Why can't the two join together. I would love to get to that manic state where I go go go. I hate the mania where I drag like a snail and cry and cry and cry. At the moment I am just numb. I sometimes like numb, no pain, no joy just numb. It's kind of inexplainable ya know?
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
Confucius
Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC)
It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.
Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them?
If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Sicilian proverb
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe'
" The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France
"when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary Poppins
The Best Revenge Is Living Well
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-Anonymous
Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

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Mood: confused
Music: Jesus Take The Wheel

sattorie All Of A Sudden Jan 23rd, 2007 12:42:38 pm - Subscribe

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before they were. My grandfather I called dying of lung cancer a few years before he did. I've even called the right gender of babies to be entering the world, although that is more Sarah's fortee she does much better with that she has only been wrong once. I just seem to see things and know things. I have a very strong sixth sense. However since being on seroquel it's messed up with my ability to see clearly like I could before. I hate it. I do believe here in victoria BC there is alot of psychic vampires I used to get drained alot. Doug had to teach me how to protect myself, as did this other guy Mike. Doug also taught me how to astral travel now that is the shit

Anyhow I got this overwhelming sense to cry just before 6am today. Like someone I care about is either going to do something that breaks my heart, or someone is going to get hurt or die or already has. I am actually shaking and my eyes are just welled up. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I am actually shaking. I wish the vision of what or who would come to me. I miss seeing things at least then I could be more clear. Stupid fricken meds Anyway if I say anything to Phil he'll just tell me I am being stupid and yell at me :'(
I think I figured out part of my depression issue right now. I think I need a change of pace. I feel stagnated here. I mean I don't feel like I have anything to get up to or look forward to in a day. oooohhhhh another day of gloominess and being yelled at oh happy day.I have no will to do anything in this place. I need a smaller place, a brighter place. This winter has sucked milkthistle lol. I can't remember the last REAL vacation I took. I think if I won a trip to whereever I wanted to go or won some money I would love to go visit Phoenix in New York. How fun would that be? She is always a gas, love her to death

Today is my best friend Sherri Huberdeau's Bday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERRI!!!!! She is now 34. She always bugs me that I am older than her because I turn a yr older than her in nov and then we're the age when she gets older in january. The little shit.Ya know I have been wondering lately if maybe my exhaustion is more than just bipolar but Chronic Fatigue syndrome. You know growing up I was really tired all the time too. I don't know how many times I was tested for mono among other things trying to find a reason why I was so tired and dragging ass all the time. It's an achy, just weak shaky tired feeling. Like getting up to go to the bathroom sometimes is a huge ordeal. I do have good days, weeks and sometimes months. I do get manic episodes where I can't sleep which seems to be lately. I am tired but sleep very little. IN last week have only sleept a couple hours on and off lately.
I know my iron is probably at ground zero I never kept up with the shots. I just got too tired of going every damn two weeks and Phil would tell me how stupid I was for having to go so often to the doctor so I just stopped going to the doctor. I wish I could just get the shots at home. Don't bother writing me and telling me about the pills and liquid my body rejected them they didn't absorb either thus why I had to get shots and even then my iron was not to where it should have been, but was higher than nothing so it was something.
I hope Phil is in a better mood today when I see him. Yesterday he was super angry. Yell yell yell. Just layed into me within 5 mins of coming here and continued to do so for about an hour. Then on and off for the next few hours. I hate when he asks me a question that only has one answer, or asks me a question that I don't want to answer because it makes me sound like garbage. *tears* He thinks so little of me, and he thinks so little of his looks and tries to convince me that his appearance is not good. Just rips me up inside so much. Everything lately is negative negative negative. I asked him if when he talks to Ashley, Rebecca and Tiffany if he yells about his looks to them or is negative with them like he is with me. Those are 3 "friends" he has been talking to alot lately, and he went to have coffee with Ashley apparently from what he says on the weekend.
Anyway I am gonna go for now...

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Mood: contemplative
Music: Angels Among Us

sattorie It's All On Me... Jan 28th, 2007 8:41:29 pm - Subscribe

Well first off I want to add to my last post that when Phil took Sarah's stuff that one night he had given her a half hour chance to draw. She didn't like her half hour chance. She was so angry she swore at Phil and then at me because I let Phil make the choice if she could draw or not. Regardless of those 2 facts I still didn't see any reason to discourage her from drawing or reading as we usually allow her to watch TV on weekends until she goes to sleep so why were his panties in a twist? However he thinks others will agree with him after reading these facts. Only bedtime we are usually strict with is school nights.
Moving along, apparently saying anything that is not positive about Phil gets people worked up. Apparently the only person who can be stupid, a bitch, a hoare, unpure, evil, selfish ect is me. Because Phil is pure perfection. Everyone would know that because they are here to see it all the time-YEAH RIGHT! *tears* So I should just suck it up and pretend everything is always perfect. Sensor my words. You know I have not limited bad words for just Phil. I say them about myself and other people as well. But apparently I am a big bitch and if Phil was smart he would leave me. I am sure Ashley would love that! Ya know it's funny he says his family wouldn't care if he was dead. Yet his family is the first to stand up for him. They love him dearly. I only wish I had a family like that :'(
Ya know it's like some people see me on the edge of a cliff and they are trying to push me over. Sometimes they come really close to doing it too. Today I was alone all afternoon and I cried for 2 hours. Now my eyes are all sore and red :'(
I do see my doctor soon and I am going to ask her about an in hospital evaluation.
Has anyone done their valentine shopping yet? I have I love what I got Phil I hope he likes it too

Valentines Day is my favorite holiday

Oh and it's not a transformer. I made a vow not to buy any transformers this year. The year has just begus and I want to buy them. I don't go to the isle that sells them. I think JC caught me though. I have become a lover of transformers as well. I can't believe it's happened but it has. Although Phil and I love them for different reasons. I am ashamed of the fact I can actually name a ton of them. Not as good at it as Phil but I shouldn't know any at all!
Sarah tried out for the interprovincial summer soccer team. If she gets on the team the cost is $750 and I was told soccer was a cheap sport, pffffttttt seems like there is always a need for money. This money pays for everything but the food when they travel. Apparently 2 coachespulled her aside at the try outs today and told her she has a really good chance at making it to the team. Soccer really her forte. Parents and other people who see her are always commenting how good she is. I am very proud of her

Anyhow I'm off not feel very welll.....

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Mood: crushed
Music: Angels Among Us