I Miss Feeling Alive
Date: Jan 16th, 2007 10:38:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gloomy
Music: Jesus Take The Wheel
So I have once againsunk into a deep depression. This is different though. I have had suicidal thoughts but am not really suicidal. What I really want is to feel alive. Right now I don't want to leave my room let alone my bed. I don't really want to eat or drink. I just cry alot and feel just dead inside. I realized the other day When Phil goes at me pointing out what I should be doing, how I can't possibly be as sick as I always appear to be, that I am lazy. I told him what I hear him saying is he doesn't love me but he could if I changed a few things. When he starts going at me I try so hard not to cry. I always feel like I am so stupid and question why I have to be so excitable or say stupid things, it bothers Phil and then we fight.I agree he does alot, at the moment he is working, doing laundry, does dishes, and I really should be doing more. But I just don't want to. I am content to climb under a rock and disappear.I was lazy growing up and I am lazy now. It takes all I have some days to just wake up just that is a feat sometimes. So yeah why shouldn't Phil find someone better and more deserving of his love. I pick at my face when Phil goes after me. I put the two together. I realize if I am so horrible on the outisde I should look equally as bad on the inside.I hate that when I do feel better it is short lived. I really can't help feeling sometimes Like I am getting poisened or drugged. Lately when I eat food doesn't taste right. But it's probably just this depression I am in.I really want to feel alive, obviously my meds are not helping. I shouldn't feel like this. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!
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