Feeling Blue
Date: May 27th, 2004 2:10:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: worried
Dance: Gafieira anyone? anyone?
Can't even get the energy to write how low I feel. No one else knows it because when I am out I put on the face and the smile and all is well. Everybody I meet says, " I hear Real Estate is booming you must be making loads of money". Shit I don't know when I have ever made less money than now. If it doesn't pick up soon I'll be forced into something else whether or not I want to. Talk about being down. I hat going out door knocking, I am sure every person I meet would see on my face that I don't want to be doing that.
To top it off as much as I try I really am finding it hard to get CJ out of my mind. It is like a love /hate thing. I hate her because she rejected my Love, which in itself shouldn't be a big thing, it's happened before. This time I keep imagining her coming up to me with that sweet smile of hers and asking me to dance. I guess in the last two years I must have found 2000 different ways to say no, and if it really happened I would probably say yes, and be like a little puppy dog. I know she is screwing someone else and hasn't a thought for me but my mind keeps on going to the well that seems to have no bottom. I hate it and wish I could hypnotize myself into wiping all the thoughts of her right out of my mind, totally
Deep thoughts I think. About a deep as a saucer of milk and just about as clear. I know I am intelligent,but inside I think that something must have worked itself loose. Like a pinball machine my thoughts jump from bumper to bumper and when I exert myself I can control it, then boing it hits a spring or something in there and off it goes on another wild tear, clanking and dinging around. I can only hope I get a free game soon.
Off to do the Salsa dancing for awhile, but with my luck she'll show up with lover boy and I'll wind up going deeper into the funky blues. I have to remind myself I am still a lucky guy compared to others. Crock of shit is what it feels like though.
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weakness
Date: May 17th, 2004 3:33:09 pm - Subscribe
Mood: optimistic
Dance: anytime anyplace
I definitely have a weakness for women. I often wonder why it is that women can switch partners in a heart beat, with seemingly no remorse or regrets or feeling whatever. Me on the other hand, I wallow in despair.
I believe that it is a case of ego. For a woman her ego can be stroked very quickly, as almost any woman on the planet can get a guy into her bed with very little effort, but for a man it isn't easy at all, unless you are Brad Pitt and I am not. We don't even appear in the same paragraph.
Oh well that's life. Maybe I should pursue V. as she definitely seems interested. She sure isn't ugly, but I just am not attracted to her in any way but the physical.
I must find a way to get my career moving. Real Estate is not my forte when it comes to prospecting for clients. I like dealing with the people but finding them is a whole other story.
Onward and upward
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Time warp
Date: May 12th, 2004 3:31:15 am - Subscribe
Mood: introspective
Dance: Salsa, cha-cha-cha
Decided today to begin teaching Salsa, I have always been one to procrastinate and in truth I have been considering this for six months, so it's shit or get off the pot time.
The time warp came about from having downloaded ITUNE and tried listening to some old radio shows. There I was sitting in front of one of histories greatest gadget to date, the computer listening to a program that was originally sent out on histories then great invention, the Radio.
I spent many an hour of my childhood listening to some of those old programs. I think that and reading helped create what I consider an active imagination. Actually when you are raised in as small a community of the Saskatchewan prairies as I was you tend to need an active imagination or you would have nothing to keep you entertained.
I am sure that there was some unplanned kinks in my imagination for somewhat the same reasons.
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sTILL HAVE Cj on the brain. I know and everyone tells me the same thing, "she played a game with me", but as much as I want to wipe her out of my mind and memory, it doesn't happen. I waste so much time with stupid imaginary meetings it has become like an addiction that I have to exert will power to get myself off of the subject. Very debilitating actually.
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why am I doing this?
Date: May 9th, 2004 5:18:17 pm - Subscribe
Mood: lethargic
Right now I can only think of one reason - to waste more time. I have gotten myself into such a fucked up head space, I can't get anything done. I woryy about money, yet I feel it will come. Mainly I wonder what to do to get myself sorted out.
My age is a bother to me in that the one thing I really love doing is dancing Salsa, and I will never meet anyone my age doing it.
The women who come to me to dance are all young and mostly beautiful, but all younger than me by 15 or 20 years. They hug me and some hold me close and kiss my cheek, but I'm not about to look like a dirty old man by asking them out, at least not until I feel them out on the score.
I still can't unhook my thoughts off of C.J. I sure let myself wander down the path to ultimate rejection on that one. If I got paid for all the time I have spent dwelling on her I'd be well off. I create a scene and dialogue over and over and over ad nauseum. I can't sem to stop, and it drives me nuts.
Waste of time but it is like an addiction.
Ooops must call Mom, I should actually write her a letter or two, I think it wold give her something to do. All she does is crochet, watch TV and play some cards with her neighbors. 87 and she has a bad heart, I am planning on having those genes, but I expect to be in better shape then.
My ambition is to still do a pretty hot salsa dance at 84.
Fuck I am totally boring.
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First Entry
Date: May 9th, 2004 1:20:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: uncomfortable
Having never kept a real diary ever in my life this might be tedious fun, given the texture of my life presently. I will try this and then go onto other blogs and see what everyone else is up to.
Right now I am trying to get myself motivated and out of an earning slump beyond belief. This is not good for a self employed sales person.
I guess I have convinced myself that this is more productive than playing computer games.
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