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perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
Mood: agitated

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 9:44:02 pm - Subscribe
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
Mood: lovely

chellie ya Jan 1st, 2006 8:32:03 pm - Subscribe
alright. i haven't been here in forever. but i need to use it now. i have a paper i need to have access to at school and home and school doesn't allow email. so i'm posting my paper on here.

Eating Disorders
Anorexia, Bulimia, and Bigorexia

This paper will be discussing a number of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, and bigorexia. It will explore factors that play key roles in one developing an eating disorder. Also, the symptoms of each disorder will be described, along with the dangerous methods used. Also, attached to this paper are statistics and facts associated with eating disorders.

Doesn’t it seem like everyone is dieting these days? The media is constantly pushing the ‘latest’ diet pill, or the ‘new and improved’ exercise program. With the large increase in obesity rates among Americans, it’s no wonder diet programs have become a new fad. But, for some people, dieting is taken to the extreme. The individual thinks that they are fat and will do anything to be thin. They may refuse to eat, and then purge, and even abuse diet pills and laxatives. This paper will compare and contrast different eating disorders, symptoms of these disorders, and causes and influences affecting individuals.
Eating disorders affect people from all parts of the world. Both men and women have eating disorders, although there are a higher percentage of women having them. “Women are given the message at a very young age that in order to be happy and successful, they must be thin.” (Thompson ,1996) But society’s ideal body image is not achievable. People do not realize that the media uses computers to reshape the bodies of actresses and models to make them look thinner than they actually are. Clothing retailers construct their mannequins to have measurements much different than the average woman. These tactics are used to draw in consumers and make them think that their product will make them look thin and feel good about themselves. See Table 1A to see how an average woman compares to a store mannequin.
Teenagers make up the largest percentage of people with eating disorders. Young girls are striving to fit in with ‘cliques’ and yearn to be ‘popular’. As they enter into puberty and discover that boys no longer have cooties, they long for attention from those of the opposite sex. When rejected, or just not noticed, the teenage adolescent may feel that they are not pretty enough, or not thin enough. This may cause them to develop an eating disorder as they go to extreme measures to become thin.
Not only are adults and teenagers affected by eating disorders; children also suffer from various food disorders. If parents and older siblings are dieting and expressing dislike towards their own bodies, the child will receive the message that appearance is very important. “Barbie herself sets a very bad example towards children.” (Thompson, 1996) Young girls wrapped up in their Barbie doll worlds, are told that to be beautiful, one must be thin. It is estimated that 40% of nine year olds have already dieted and that four and five year olds are expressing the need to diet.
Two of the most common eating disorders are Anorexia and Bulimia. They have many of the same symptoms, although they are different disorders. Some common symptoms they share are fatigue, muscle weakness, depression, irritability, and mood swings. People with either of these disorders also may exercise excessively, make excuses for not eating meals, appear uncomfortable when around food, abuse laxatives, diet pills, and/or diuretics, vomit, and feel that self worth requires being thin. These disorders also share some of the same physical and medical complications. Irregular or loss of menstruation (amenorrhea), dizziness, dehydration, constipation, shortness of breath, irregular heartbeats, hair loss, stomach pains, kidney and liver damage, electrolyte imbalances, anemias, cardiac arrest, and death are just some of the complications eating disorders may cause.
People with eating disorders share some of the same food behaviors. They may skip meals, take tiny portions, eat “safe foods”, become a vegetarian, boast about eating healthy meals, drink diet sodas, and read labels religiously. Sometimes, a person may mix strange food combinations, or chew mouthfuls, but spit it out before swallowing.
The different eating disorders also share common trends in appearance and body image behaviors. People with these disorders may wear baggy clothes to hide weight loss. Or they may wear layers to hide fat or to stay warm. When shopping or trying on clothes, the person will obsess about clothing size and spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
“Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by a significant weight loss resulting from excessive dieting.” (Thompson, 1996) A person with anorexia is motivated by the strong desire to be thing and a fear of becoming fat. They will set very high standards for themselves and strive for perfection. They will also put the needs of others ahead of their own. While these are good things, the person usually has very low self-esteem. They are never satisfied with their weight. Sometimes, focusing on calories and losing weight is their way of blocking out feelings and emotions. If they can’t control what is happening around them, they can control their weight.
A person with anorexia may have noticeable weight loss, become withdrawn, always be cold, have an obsession with food, calories, and recipes, complain of being too fat even when thin, cook for others, but not eat themselves, frequently check weight on the scale, faint or have dizzy spells, and have a pale complexion. They may also have unusual eating habits, such as cutting food into tiny pieces, or picking at food. Eating in public is very difficult as they can be secretive about their eating patterns. Medical problems that may arise in those with anorexia are skin problems, cold hands and feet, bloating, decreased metabolism, loss of bone mass, osteoporosis, insomnia, infertility, low potassium, and those mentioned earlier on page __.
Those with anorexia usually resist any attempts to help them because the idea of therapy is seen only as a way to force them to eat. Once they admit that they have a problem and are willing to seek help, they can be treated effectively.
“Bulimia Nervosa is characterized by a cycle of binge eating followed by purging to try and rid the body of unwanted calories.” (Thompson, 1996) For one person, a binge may range from 1,000 to 10,000 calories. For another person, one cookie may be considered a binge. Those with bulimia do not feel secure about their own self worth. They base their own self worth on being thin and controlling intake of food. When eating, the feel out of control. The person will diet, become hungry, and then binge eat in response to powerful cravings and feelings of deprivation. Food then becomes the only source of comfort.
Some signs and symptoms of bulimia are binge eating, bathroom visits after eating, weight fluctuations (usually with 10-15 lb range), swollen glands, broken blood vessels, severe self-criticism, fear of not being able to stop eating, tooth decay, sore throat, and those mentioned earlier on page __. Medical complications may include lack of energy, headaches, tears of esophagus, erosion of teeth enamel, chronic sore throat, parotid gland enlargement, edema (swelling of hands and feet), chest pains, development of peptic ulcers and pancreatitus, abrasions on back of hands and knuckles, and those mentioned earlier on page __.
Those with bulimia are more likely to realize they have a problem and seek help than those with anorexia, though; they may partake in irresponsible behaviors such as shoplifting, promiscuity, and abuse of alcohol, drugs, and credit cards.
Those with eating disorders use dangerous methods to achieve a thinner appearance. Ipecac syrup, laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills are just some of the drugs taken. Ipecac syrup induces vomiting and should only be used in cases of accidental poisoning. Repeated use can cause the heart muscle to weaken. Long term effects include irregular heartbeats, chest pains, breathing problems, rapid heart rate, and cardiac arrest. Laxatives, such as Ex-Lax and Correctal, have little or no effect on reducing weight because by the time they work, the calories have already been absorbed. The person may feel like they have lost weight because of the amount of fluid that is lost. The body will start to retain water within a 48-72 hour period. Leaving the person feeling bloated and fearing they are gaining weight. Prolonged use of laxatives can lead to permanent damage to bowels, other severe medical complications, and death. Diuretics (water pills) are much like laxatives. They give the person a feeling of weight loss, but only vital fluid and electrolytes are lost. Use of diuretics is dangerous because the body’s electrolytes need to be in balance in order for you organs, such as the heart, kidney, and liver to function properly. Diet pills may seem to be safe ways to lose weight, but they are addictive and can produce symptoms such as increased heart rate, dizziness, high blood pressure, nausea, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, dry mouth, and diarrhea.
Mood: neutral

chellie SNOW! Nov 17th, 2005 9:23:20 pm - Subscribe
I hate it... really i do. its so cold, and i am a really nervous driver on the ice and snow and such. Altho when i got home tonight, i floored it and cranked the wheel, spinning in my driveway just for the heck of it. haha... you can prolly guess my parents weren't home.
Mood: zoned
: Girl Next Door - Saving Jane

chellie Don\'t mind me, I\'m just studying for my english quiz Nov 15th, 2005 8:23:36 pm - Subscribe
UGGGHHH!!! Sometimes I just hate my sister. She is such a miserly person, listless in all she does. Her malicious actions have marred my every attitude towards her. Sometimes, her lofty energy levels cause her to be obnoxious and she makes others miserable by being overbearing. And other times she is so lethargic that others have to be meticulous around her so they don't become depressed themselves. And then, sometimes her levity is protrayed at such innapropriate times that she should just be slapped. Living with her requires methodical strategies to avoid her being. If one is not careful, you may be caught in the mire of her enthusiasm towards life.

lethargic= drowsy, dull
listless=lacking in spirit or energy
lofty=very high
malicious=dictated by hatred or spite
marred=damaged, disfigured
methodical= systematic
meticulous= excessively careful
mire= entangle, stick in swampy ground
miserly=stingy, mean
Mood: overstimulated
: Dirty Little Secret

chellie diff! Nov 8th, 2005 7:31:11 pm - Subscribe
wow... aeonity has really changed. im soo lost. lol!!
Mood: hey!! where\'d the list of moods go???? dang!

chellie Emotional Wreck Oct 30th, 2005 1:39:48 pm - Subscribe
I love Bryan!! he is the best guy in the world and someday will make a lady very happy. He helped to make me feel better Friday night by inviting me over to watch Van Helsing with him. I miss him now that he's gone back to college. I wish Wartburg wasn't so far away.

I love Andrea too! She's so smart. She knew that something was bothering me when i didn't wear any eye makeup to church this morning. The only time I don't wear eye makeup is when there is a chance I might start to cry. And indeed, I did cry some. She's having her own problems with Earl, but took time to listen to me. I love her soo much!
Mood: weepy

chellie sniffle Oct 24th, 2005 4:08:55 pm - Subscribe
dang... i just wanna cry right now cuz i got my homecoming pictures back and i can't even show you because my digitcal camera isn't working and i don't have a scanner. so maybe tomorrow i can bring them to school and scan them...
Mood: saucy

chellie mmm!! Oct 17th, 2005 8:38:56 pm - Subscribe
woohoo! 3 weeks!

love you Mike!
Mood: starstruck
: Skin, Rascal Flatts

chellie hehe Oct 16th, 2005 10:28:39 pm - Subscribe

shhhhh... don't tell him yet!
Mood: spectacular

chellie this one\'s for the girls Sep 22nd, 2005 10:00:28 pm - Subscribe
k thats just a random song... this entry is for michelle. i just got home from a varsity game. it was pretty sweet. i got to play cuz one of the Middle's hurt her ankel. woot! it was awesome. i almost peed my pants. i was sooo nervous! well gotta ruN!
Mood: eccentric

chellie I FREAKIN LOVE HOMECOMING!! Sep 16th, 2005 4:15:00 pm - Subscribe
wanna see my engagement ring?? it's gorgeous!

tomorrow is gonna b so great with mike.

reservations at 7:30!

hair at, well whenever i feel like it!!

Juniors rock!!
Mood: explosive
: Who wouldn\'t wanna be me, keith urban

chellie English can bite me Sep 11th, 2005 3:40:46 pm - Subscribe
haha, jk... but yah im gonna study for english again... so see if you can read this.

So i had a volleyball tournament yesterday. and after that i was supposed to work, i had an ARBITRARY time to be back at work. well the tournament went later than i had expected so i called my bos and had an ARDUOUS time trying to get back on time. The busride was kinda was so ARID. We stopped at McDonalds on the way home, but the busdriver was too ARROGANT to order anything to eat because we were in such a hurry. But i guess if he wanted to be ASCETIC, thats his choice. The ASSESSMENT that i had made of the return time was fairly accurate. Not to be ASTUTE, but i was only 5 minutes off. I finally arrived at work and my boss emphasized that i had to be ARTICULATE in everything i did. There was a wedding reception so everything had to be perfect. As the night progressed, the intake of beer AUGMENTED and the kitchen turned into an ASYLUM!!

ok, if you didn't catch some of those words, here ya go:
ARBITRARY - Fixed or definite, imperious; tyrannical; despotic
ARDUOUS - Hard; strenuous
ARID - Dry; barren
ARROGANCE - Pride; haughtiness
ARTICULATE - Effective; distinct
ASCETIC - Practicing self-denial; austere
ASSESSMENT - Estimation
ASTUTE - Wise; shrewd
ASYLUM - Place of refuge or shelter; protection
Augment - Increase
Mood: ambitious

chellie WARNING!! Sep 8th, 2005 10:24:13 pm - Subscribe
Chellie is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.


Mood: healthy

chellie Pictures from my childhood Sep 3rd, 2005 7:38:31 pm - Subscribe
When I was younger... I spent countless hours amidst this strip of trees I called my fort. I have four younger sisters, who also claimed this as a place to sneak cans of pop and candy bars out to. I had many adventures here and recently revisited it today. I took these pictures, so enjoy!!

Here is the entrance to the Hallway. As you can see, there is spacious area to walk due to "Spring Cleaning" that I performed every time the branches grew out. There is also a well-trodden path created from the many times we walked through here.

Once inside, you can get a better view

As we pass through the Hallway, we come upon the great Apple Tree I fed my young children from (my sisters).

To the left of the Apple Tree, we enter the Living Room. This area is small, but cozy, and many memories were made here.

If you look closely, you can see a bucket hanging in the Living Room. It was crucial to hang our "Food" high in a tree to prevent the wild animals from getting to it.

To cook this Food and keep us warm on chilly nights, we had this adorable Fireplace.

Now of course, every fort needs something else... correct? So back off into the woods we go.

And behind door #1!! It's a Toilet!! Don't worry, we never used it!

We even have Toilet Paper!

Yes friends, Toilet Paper on a tree!

And of course, what would a Bathroom be without a Sink??

That's all Folks!

Mood: reflective

chellie Farewell Wishes Aug 30th, 2005 2:00:07 pm - Subscribe
Last night was incredible!! Bryan had his going away party before he leaves for college. I got to his house around 8:00, well later actually and there were some really diverse people there but it kept things interesting. We stood around and talked for a while. Angela came... she loves to torment me about my love life, or lack thereof. Ryan rode with me because he didn't know where Bryan lived, so of course, when we walked to the school house together, Angela got all mushy and gave me the 20 question routine every time i'm seen with a male. lol. before the night was over, she accused me of being madly in love with Ryan, Trevor, Jonas, and Mike. Mike and I decided to put on a show for her. We cuddled up for part of the show and she went crazy!! it was hilarious. Amidst her bubbling of curiousity, we decided to quietly slip out of the schoolhouse and out to the campfire. That really got her going. She came out to "join us", of course she was spying on us. So we took the game a little further and we walked to his car together so he could "get his sweatshirt". We did have some things to talk about, so we took our sweet time. Man, Angela, lol she really got worked up then!! it was great. She's only 13 or 14!! *sigh* she makes me laugh. when i do get another boyfriend, the poor boy will have to endure Angela's wrath just to be with me!! lol.

The night continued on and more people came. Earl drove Condined (a band put together from kids from our youth group) and their equipment out, so they put on their last show. *sniff* they're going to different colleges and won't be able to perform anymore together. it was an okay show. Chauncey had to play drumset because the other drummer already left the band.

Overall, the party was a real success. I was really sad to see it end. There are many people there, who, that may have been the last time i saw them before they leave for college come the end of this week. Tenley and Kyrie are off to Wausau. Bryan to Iowa, Earl, Eric, Laura, and Natalie to Point. ummm... who else. well Jake will be staying home I suppose, until 2nd semester. Im going to miss them all. Earl, gave me a goodbye hug. I really hope that he comes to the football game Friday night, seeing that he doesn't leave until Saturday afternoon. I really need better closure before he's gone. The hug was good and all, he was wearing a sweatshirt *drools* and i really think it was heartfelt. But I wish we could sit down and have a conversation before he leaves. Oh well. Maybe some other time. Probably not. lol. I just know that I will miss him and that a part of my heart will forever be missing because he's still got a hold of it.
Mood: romantic

chellie I read this and began to cry Aug 28th, 2005 7:25:56 pm - Subscribe
Each year he sent her roses,

and the note would always say,

I love you even more this year,

than last year on this day.

My love for you will always grow,

with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time

that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses

in advance before this day.

Her loving husband did not know,

that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early,

way before the time.

Then, if he got too busy,

everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems and

placed them in a very special vase.

Then, sat the vase beside

the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours,

In her husband's favorite chair.

While staring at his picture,

and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was

to live without her mate.

With loneliness and solitude,

that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,

as on Valentines before,

The doorbell rang, and there

were roses sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in,

and then just looked at them in shock.

Then, went to get the telephone,

to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him,

if he would explain,

Why would someone do this to her,

causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away,

more than a year ago,"

The owner said, "I knew you'd call,

and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today,

were paid for in advance.

Your husband always planned ahead,

he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,

that I have on file down here,

And he has paid, well in advance,

you'll get them every year.

There also is another thing,

that I think you should know,

He wrote a special little card...

he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out

that he's no longer here,

that's the card that should be sent

to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone,

her tears now flowing hard.

Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached

To get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that

he had written her a note.

Then, as she stared in total silence,

this is what he wrote...

"Hello my love, I know it's been a year

since I've been gone.

I hope it hasn't been too hard

for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely,

and the pain is very real.

Or if it was the other way,

I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything

so beautiful in life.

I loved you more than words can say,

you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover,

you fulfilled my every need.

I know it's only been a year,

but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy,

even when you shed your tears.

That is why the roses

will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses,

think of all the happiness,

That we had together,

and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you

and I know I always will.

But, my love, you must go on,

you have some living still.

Please...try to find happiness,

while living out your days.

I know it is not easy,

but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year,

and they will only stop,

When your door's not answered,

when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day,

in case you have gone out.

But after his last visit,

he will know without a doubt

To take the roses to the place,

where I've instructed him.

and place the roses where we are,

together once again.

Sometimes in life,

you find a special friend;

Someone who changes your life

just by being part of it.

Someone who makes you laugh

until you can't stop;

Someone who makes you believe

that there really is good in the world.

Someone who convinces you that there really is

an unlocked door just waiting for you to open

If I ever find a man who would do something as sweet as that for me, I don't know what I would do with myself.
Mood: emotional
: Gone, Switchfoot

chellie A real entry Aug 22nd, 2005 8:04:13 pm - Subscribe
wellllll... i decided to type out a new entry here. its been a while without looking up a song. idk what im talking about. moving on...

volleyball practice is completely unenjoyable. I have nothing to work for. Yes i can improve myself. I'm not saying i'm going to stop pushing myself, there's just nothing to push for. I'm half Varsity. That's like owning half a goldfish. Not much fun. Yes, I get lots of playing time, on JV. On a team that probably won't have many wins because of an extreme case of ADD and a rather larger girl who is afraid to touch the floor in attempt to hit the ball. Good thing I'm decent at blocking. But it's gonna be rough. Tomorrow, our first tournament... well, it'll be interesting.

Okay, so i don't have much to type about here... laters
Mood: nothing
: Stars, Switchfoot

amy Aha! Aug 19th, 2005 4:54:04 pm - Subscribe
That's right, I said Aha! You want to know why? Well...YOU CAN'T. You big jerk.

So, I'm babysitting 3 kids and so far it's gone pretty well, except for one minor life threatening situation. But, other than that...things are good!

Alright, here's the deal. There I was, staring into the jaws of death...I mean the dishwasher. Actually I wasn't staring into it, I was loading it with dirty dishes, cuz I'm a good person. So it was all loaded, and I went to put detergent in there when I realized that they were ALL OUT! *gasps of horror ripple through the crowd* That's right. So I put liquid dish soap in there. I didn't really know if that kind of soap was supposed to go in the dishwasher or not, so I looked on the bottle to see what it said. I saw no warnings or anything. Nothing like "DON'T YOU DARE PUT THIS IN THE DISHWASHER, YOU FREAKIN IDIOT!" or anything like that, so I figured I was ok.

I started it up and walked away. I came back about...20 minutes later and the whole kitchen, that's right, THE WHOLE KITCHEN was covered in soap suds! AH! So I freaked out and tried unsuccessfully to clean it up. It took me about an hour and a half to get rid of all those blasted bubbles. Honestly, don't you think that the geniouses who made that soap would put SOME SORT OF WARNING on there?! I mean come on, blonde people try to use dishwashers too. GAH!

Well...I doubt I'll ever do that again. It was absolutely hilarious, but then again, not funny at all. I see you laughing. STOP IT!

So, this was for you Chad. You made me update. Oh, and by the way, I hate your freakin guts.
Mood: sick! sick of BABYSITTING! but not sick of getting paid. bah, humbug.
: \"I\'m a thug, I don\'t say my R\'s\"

chellie You and me Aug 16th, 2005 10:40:44 pm - Subscribe
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
Mood: lucky
: this song