why?
Date: Jun 3rd, 2007 1:39:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: meh



why does everything seem to go to shit all at the same time?

first...it was andrew..he kept breakin up with me.

in between that..i got fired from woodmans..becuz they claimed i walked off the job. which is shit..it's cuz i got up to 5 points and they're allowed to fire you if they want.

my car is a POS. [piece of shit]. i need brake fluid. i'm getting close to an oil change. i just had to get 2 front tires becuz mine went to shit. the one looked like it was gonna blow out.and the day we wanted to get that one replaced the one on the other side went flat becuz there was a tac nail in it..by some coincidence. i just hate my car. i want a new one so badly. I want a pure white scion tc. yuuum.


i got hired at meijer..but i don't start for another week and a half. so another 3 weeks w/out money.


this is gay.



grrrrrrr.

i'm dating andrew. we've just hit 1 year 7 months on june 1st. and i love him to death. i'd marry this kid.

and yet...i care about my friend scott more than anything...but it hurts..becuz...he's like..obsessed with my close friend ashley.. and i'm the one stuck in the fuckin middle as the god damn messenger.




..ihatethis..
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..always..
Date: Jan 16th, 2007 10:48:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: down
Strumming To: Angels-Within Temptation



ugghh...


is this how my life is always going to be? cuz if it is..then i don't want to be here anymore. doesn't matter what's going on.. i could be having the greatest day.. and there's just gotta be SOMETHING that fucking ruins it.. OH and it'd be MY fault too.

i swear, the world could end..and it would be MY fucking fault. seriously. EVERYTHING that goes wrong is my fault. or i created it or something.

there's so much drama with me right now. i have 3 guys that like me.. one includes my ex, andrew. and we keep breaking up and getting back together within 2 week intervals. and everything i do, i get yelled at for. doesn't matter which one of them it's from. AND u know..if i hurt one of them..i get bitched at by someone else becuz the one it's hurting that one. ughh... i can't do ANYTHING right. i have to fucking walk on egg shells around everyone.


it was my first day of class at Mchenry County College. all i have is one class, computer applications. it's not for a degree..just a certificate. and i forgot to go to my first day. and so my mom comes down and starts bitching at me. blowing up at me, slaps me on the back of the head. and andrew was on the fone with me so he heard everything.


i'm soooo sick of people. i'm not kidding. SO sick of it. i don't want to deal with them anymore. so i got off the fone with andrew, cuz i started crying. and i put up my away message. and now..the one person i WANT to talk to about everything...and he's to busy playing a fucking computer game to realize that i'm IMing him. uggghhhh....GAY.




will i ever just be happy?
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i hate people.
Date: Oct 22nd, 2006 1:02:37 am - Subscribe
Mood: hated


so.


I pretty much hate myself right now.



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Gorgeous..is an understatement
Date: Oct 5th, 2006 11:49:35 pm - Subscribe
Mood: thoughtful
Strumming To: lips of an angel~Hinder



16. hes gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement
more like you're startled everytime you see him
because you notice something new in a Where's Waldo
sort of way. more like you can't stop writing
third grade run on sentences because you can't even
remotely begin to describe something, someone,
so inherently amazing. more like you're afraid that if
you stare at him too long, you'll prove your parents
right that, yes, your face will get stuck that way..
but you don't mind.

-------------------------------------

There's only one person in the entire world that i'm pretty sure knows who i'm talking about. I'm pretty sure Megan is the only one that knows. Because...it's about her brother. I'm still completely like...head over heals for Trevor. It's been over a year. And yet.. I still feel that exact way about him. I get completely giggly and smiley when I'm around him, and yet I still don't know why, because I love my boyfriend. It's just weird to feel that way about Trevor, but yet, still care about my boyfriend soo much.

And I've actually written like...a novel long paragraph with run-on sentences about Trevor. Back, a year ago...in august.


update laters...
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I don't want to be me.
Date: Jun 9th, 2006 2:36:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: down
Strumming To: Talk Show Host-Radiohead

I really don't. I hate it. I put on an act everytime people are around. And then when I'm alone, I'm all down/emo/depressed, whatever the hell you want to call it. I don't know why. Maybe I do. I guess I just don't feel like seeing it typed out.

I miss him. But I feel like I can't or he'll be an asshole to me. Even though he DOES like me. Is that weird? I don't know.

I love it how I get blamed for EVERYTHING. Doesn't matter if it's my parents, friends, or boyfriend. I get blamed for EVERYTHING that happens to any of them. It's bullshit. Anytime Andrew's in a bad mood, I'll try and ask him what's wrong. And he just blows up on me, and tries to turn it around onto me. So then I get mad, and it turns into a huge fight about everything that we've ever argued about. So he tells his friends if we fight, and he leaves out what he says to me, and just tells them that I was mad at him, and makes it look like I threw a fit about nothing, to make him look like the good guy and the victim. So now..half his friends think I'm a bitch. And my dad didn't have the phone on the counter when he got home, so he threw a fit and started bitching, and heard him in the basement. He thought I had it. I didn't. It was on the same fucking floor as him. Ugh..



Whatever.


..imisshim..
Comments: (1)


i hate myself. but no one cares.
Date: May 26th, 2006 11:53:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: broken


Yup. Nooo one cares. Ya that's not depressing. I could drive myself into a tree right now, and NO ONE would fucking care. I've now gone back into a deep depression over the past...what?..2 days, I think. It really started when I had that 45 minute conversation with my mom. She said she loves me and always has. And I was like 'ya..I'm amazed' like all monotone. And she was like 'why?..u don't think ur loveable?' and I just sat there staring, and started crying. Because I don't. I couldn't figure out how to phrase it. But that's it. I don't think I'm loveable.

And Andrew just keeps making everything worse. He's turned into a real dick lately. We're always fighting now. He's changed. He's not the same person he was before we took a break. Now he just doesn't really care what he says to me. I don't know. But he doesn't get that he's acting weird. He's way more insensitive now. Whatever.

I. hate. my. dad.
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I hate my friends.
Date: Feb 20th, 2006 4:49:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pissed off/better


I just want to be a normal 18 year old, like the rest of the kids in my school, and actually have something to do on a weekend night. Every single one of my friends is out hanging out with someone else. But NO not me! BECAUSE NONE OF MY FRIENDS EVER ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING. Why would they? It's not like they care about being my friend. Sometimes I don't even get why they talk to me. I really don't remember the last time someone called me..besides Andrew, and asked me to do something. I really don't. Andrew really is the only other person I talk to anymore. Even if I talk to my friends, I'll be in the middle of a sentence and they'll just turn around and start saying something to someone else. And if they deny it they're retarded because I do notice those things, they have happened you guys. You probably just don't notice it because your the one doing it.

If you guys, my so called 'friends' say you care...then why the fuck don't you call me and ask me to hang out anymore? When was the last time you even fucking called me? Huh? Tell me that. You know I'm always asking you what you're doing over the weekend. Did you ever think it's because I actually want to hang out with someone that I thought cared to be my friend?

Whatever you guys don't care. Don't talk to me. I know you know that you wouldn't care, that it wouldn't matter to you because you DON'T ANYWAY.

Whatever.


Edit:

So me and Megan are friends again..thank god. I missed her. I missed going over to their neighborhood. We hung out Saturday, and I was so happy driving over to her house. Just being on that street again, made my day. You know, they say that when your in your later teens, that your real home..doesn't really feel like home anymore. Kinda like they say how you have a 'second home'. That's what Megan's street is to me. It feels like home.

update laters...

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Why am I still crying?
Date: Jan 29th, 2006 1:35:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: trapped
Strumming To: Pitiful~Blindside

I don't get what's wrong with me. I don't get why I get like this. I scare myself sometimes.

I hate the fact that I can't trust anyone.

I hate the fact that I can't write out my feelings. It would take waaay to long.

I just want to be able to sort out my feelings. I fucking hate this. There was something that I wanted to say but I don't remember what it was.

Oh ya, I know now. I wish I could do something to find out if people actually care. Because they have a really shitty way of showing it. I wish I could do something to put me in the hospital..but not for a long time. Nothing to serious. Just to scare people. And not have my parents blame me for doing something. Like even when that guy rear-ended me, my mom still found a way to blame it on me. I hate that.

I just want out of here.

Andrew said he wants to be with me forever. I don't want that. because I'm not in love with him. Ya I care about him alot. Like...extremely. But I'm not in love with him. But I wouldn't be able to break up with him, I couldn't do that to him.


I don't know. I'm done. I can't explain anymore than that.


update laters...
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Friends blow.
Date: Jan 26th, 2006 2:27:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: deserted
Strumming To: Everything I Once Had~The Honorary Title

So I honestly have issues believing whether or not my friends actually care to be my friends. Because they seem so caught with everyone else that they just seem to forget about me. They never talk to me anymore. All 3 of my once best friends, that I used to hang out with all the time, I NEVER see anymore. They're too busy with other things, and other people, and it's pissing me off. All I have is Andrew anymore. The only way I even get to hang out with one of them is if I beg them for days, maybe even weeks before they do actually say they can. I don't know..maybe I'm just not meant to have any friends. They don't care about me. I have to be the one to say Hi to them, because they would never think of saying Hi to me. And I know I sound selfish about this but it's the truth. It's really how they act. And everyone can deny that my friends don't want to be my friends anymore. They can make up as many reasons as they want as to why they never talk to me anymore. But I know the real reason. They never used to tell me that they just didn't want to hang out, and now they do it all the time. Or they make plans with someone else and just don't tell me, and I have to sit around and wait for them to call. That's fucking bullshit. I've been really depressed lately, and it's all because of them. I don't even know who I consider a friend anymore. They don't act like my friends. And I hate when people say they have best friends that they don't even talk to for like...days, weeks, and months. That's a bullshit excuse for a friendship that's all I have to say. I say that's just knowing someone. A best friend is someone you hang out with all the time, or have an actual, real, conversation with everyday. Not just saying 'hey' as your flying passed them in the hallway, and never hanging out with them or calling them. Ya, that's another thing. None of my so called friends EVER call me. They just don't talk to me period. I have to be the one to talk to them first. EXAMPLE: Stephanie, one of my closer friends didn't say one word to me...didn't even look at me the first 2 hours of today, and we sit right next to each other in both hours. So I went walking right passed her in the hall after 2nd hour, and she was like 'what's wrong?' and I said 'your not talking to me'. And she didn't even say anything. So I kept walking. I'm just not going to talk to any of my friends anymore. I want to see who actually cares to be my friend. I'm fucking sick of this. I just want OUT of fucking high school already. I'm so glad this is my last semester at this bullshit excuse of a school. Fuck Cuntley.

In other news: That blizzard we had friday..I had to drive Andrew home in it. And we were sitting at a stop light, and all the sudden a guy plowed into the back of my MOM's car. I was so fucking distraught. You have no effing clue. Oh my god. I've never hit the steering wheel that hard before. I thought I was going to break it. I was balling my eyes out for about 3 hours after that...literally. My mom and grandma both thought I needed a drink of wine to calm my nerves. I didn't take it though, because after me and Andrew both got home, he called me, and he calmed me down. So now...the car is in the shop getting fixed, and apparently should be done sometime next week. So I don't have a car to go out in this weekend. My mom is going to get my grandma's old car, it's a chrysler something, it's a new car, but he just buys my grandma a car every 2 years, so this is her old car, and my uncle said we could have it until we get our car back. But I can't drive it, because it's his car, or something like that. So if me and Andrew want to go anywhere this weekend, we have to have my mom drive us around. That's fucking BULLSHIT. I'm fucking 18 years old and have to have my mommy drive me and my boyfriend around. FUCK THIS SHIT. I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE.



Signed. Sincerely Me.

Comments: (1)


an update
Date: Jan 20th, 2006 6:36:34 am - Subscribe
Mood: Bored


So. Lately things have been shitty.

My mom went into the hospital last saturday because she had to get her gull bladder taken out. They said it had gangreen and it was deteriorating. That's horrible. She's could've died from that. She's staying with my grandma now for a few days on the other side of town..which is like 10 minutes away, so I can come visit anytime I want. I bought her flowers last night. They were pretty. I was proud.

Me and Andrew are good. 2 months Feb 1st. And going strong. We have our moments where I get mad at him. But I can't stay mad at him. So ya.

My dad's an ass. I'm spending as much time at my grandma's house as possible. I'm thinking about sleeping over there tonight. But I don't know.

Time for school...ew.

update laters...
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