sheilanicole's Blog

Update on Boy World
Date: Aug 12th, 2009 11:09:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: adored


There has been a lot of activity in Boy World lately. I have grown closer to some and others I do not want to speak to anymore.

Of course, I have to start with talking about #1, because well he is #1 and also my favorite Our last date, if you recall, involved a lot of making out and it got pretty intense without turning into sex, but intense nonetheless. I started becoming overwhelmed with emotions like OMG I really like this guy, I could totally be with him forever, I want him so bad, and on and on becoming mushier and mushier as the make out session intensified. Now, even though we did not even get close to having sex, this still seems to violate the sex rule in a way. Especially the more I thought about. The main reason I do not want to sleep with anyone right away is because I want my emotions for them to come from my heart and be found logical in my head and not from, well, my pants (if you know what I mean). Sexual excitement does trigger the release of hormones that bond you to another person. The same ones that are released to bond a new mother to her baby. That is intense, and I am not ready to be that attached to this guy even if I do absolutely adore him and could totally see being his girlfriend. I think we both still need time to get to know one another on a personal level.

I wrote him a message explaining this as I was too much of a wuss to just talk to him about it. He took it really well though and actually felt bad that he made me feel that way. I explained that he had no reason to be sorry. I mean, I sure enjoyed it at the time. It was just about me either, I do really respect his wish not to have premarital sex, and I would hate to be a part of him breaking that "rule." In other words, I do not want to feel like I corrupted him. I told him that I did not in anyway mean that we had to be 2 prudes, just kind of limit the amount of making out and the intensity of it and talk more than make out. He seems cool with that. I really hope I did not make him not want to speak/see me anymore though.

I worry because most of my relationship have been based so strongly on sex and a lot of the time nothing else and if I take it out of the equation who is really going to stay with me. I really MUST stop thinking that way, however. I am worth more than a piece of ass and someone, maybe even #1, will see that. If they don't, then I just do not need to be with them anyway. I developed the rules because I think I deserve that kind of treatment, so I need to keep reminding myself of that over and over and over until it sticks.

Enough about #1, on to #4. I got to meet #4 for the first time yesterday in person. We made a date to go to the art museum. He actually looks a lot better in person. He is not match for #1 in that department, but he is not at all bad to look at. He is also a very nice guy and easy to talk to. Face to face he does talk a lot more than on the phone, so that is a definite plus. He actually bought me Snickers because he knows that I love them AND and had put them in the freezer for me because he knew I loved them frozen. That was really cool. The little things are what impress me; it showed that he does pay attention to even the most minute things I say and that is much appreciated. We drove to the museum and had a nice chat. He really knows his way around the city, which is totally awesome, because it confuses the hell out of me. Plus, it makes me feel secure that we probably will not get lost, which relieves a lot of anxiety in me. He is also resourceful. He actually thought up checking with his art school to see if they had deals for tickets to the museum and ended up getting us 4 free passes. I like a man that is resourceful, especially when it comes to money. It was fun to go to the art museum with him since he went to art school. He was able to tell me a lot about the paintings and the painters and the type of art each one was. I like hanging around someone that can teach me stuff.

I, however, was too excited and did not take a break from walking when I should have and ended up having problems walking about an hour or so into the date. Luckily, we had brought my wheelchair with and he had no problem going to get it and pushing me around the rest of the date. It is kind of embarrassing for me, but he really put me at ease. I kept apologizing and he told me there was no need for it. He bought me lunch at this Italian cafe type place and he actually tried a bite of everything I was eating when I asked. That is not really important, but I thought it was cool that he did it. Shows me he is willing to try new things. Then we went to watch the movie in the park, but it did not start when it was supposed to and I did not want to drive really late, so we left. He was cool about that too. He did not even try to kiss me. I had asked that he give me gas money (I am really broke) since I was driving out to his house, and he did, but not just $5, he was going to fill my tank, but I would not let him. He put in $15. Not that money matters because it doesn't, it was just nice that he was that generous is all. He called today to make sure I got home alright, but I was not awake enough to answer. I will call him later though.

Then there is #5. I talked to him all the other night when I was waiting for work. He stayed up the whole night with me then we decided to go see the sunrise together. He met me and we went to a park. I had a really weird feeling as I was talking to him about meeting, so I decided to bring my big dog with me. Everything went fine and we had a nice time together. I had a hard time looking him in the face though. Not because he was bad looking or anything. I mean, he was not gorgeous or anything, but he was not ugly either. There was just something about him that bothered me. Also, I gave him a hug when I first saw him and he did the try to kiss you on the cheek thing. I find that only perverts do that and I really did not appreciate it. So that weirded me out.

Then, I am chatting online with him and he starts talking about this reputation he has to uphold that seemed like it was really a facade. He said that he was just competitive and does what it takes to get something he wants. I told him that it sounds like he is not true to himself. He started to back peddle, and I told him that I really did not like those characteristics and I would need to think if I want to keep talking to him. To me, it makes me think that he will also pretend to be whatever he had to in order to get a girl even if it is not really him. I have gotten the impression that he is kind of like a chameleon and does whatever to look good to anyone he is around even if it is a total lie. Lies are lies and I do not like them. He sent me this message with this really long explanation, but I have not read it yet. My mom says that i really should just listen to the voice in my head. she says there is a reason we get bad feelings. It is supposed to protect us, but we tend not to listen. She said always listen, so I am going to listen to both my mom and myself for once.

I have been talking a lot to my Punk Guy (#3) and he is super sweet and has no problem being dorky or mushy. We have not actually talked on the phone or anything. We had plans to meet today, but I am sick from over doing it yesterday. He was understanding and we will meet tomorrow. I do like him as he would say bunches and bunches He is my type though so we will see what happens. I will update after our date.


Comments: (1)

Took some time to refocus
Date: Aug 9th, 2009 3:48:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hyperactive


It has been a couple days since I have posted mostly because I was trying not to obsess so much over the whole idea of boys/men and was actually quite busy with work stuff and with studying.

I went a couple of days without calling or even talking to #1. For two reasons really; one, I was trying to seem less desperate for his attention and that I could live without talking to him; two, because I really was just too busy for a 2-hour long conversation, which we always end up getting into. Not that I am complaining about that. I rather like talking to him for hours at a time. It was part of his appeal to me. He has a brain and intelligent things to say, which I have probably already mentioned, but hey i am excited about it! I used to dating pot heads. Let me tell yeah, I dont recommend it. They are exactly what you call conversationalist unless it is about nonsense or weed.

I did talk to #4 (the maybe sensitive one) on the phone some over the past couple days. He really is more of a listener. However, he claims that after I get to know him, I will be telling him to shut up probably. Not so sure about that, but he is very nice and I am willing to check it out a bit. He may be a little like me in the overbearing department. He seems to want to talk to me everyday and if I do not respond to him, he sends me more messages. Sounds really familiar, so I will give him a break just as #1 has done for me. It is just that most guys that I have dated like that end up wanting to be up my ass from then on out, and I cannot handle that. I at least chill out after I know I have someones interests. Weird, I do not really like being chased I guess, but neither do boys. So what to do? Forgot to mention - we have a date planned for Tuesday to go to the Art Museum in Chicago. I am excited about going because I have not been there for some years. Oh, and I guess i am excited to meet this guy too hehe

I have also been conversing with #3 (the punky guy) via messages and text messaging, but have yet to have a conversation voice-to-voice. He really seems like my type, which is the main problem I have with him LOL I am trying to find a different type. He seems very sweet, caring, not overbearing, and we have similar interests. I am willing to find out where it will go. He really has not asked me out or anything though, but he is full of compliments and I like that.

Then there is a new one. Yes a #5! I was perusing POF and came across his profile, which read like a fairytale and drew me in instantly. His total honesty and insight into himself was refreshing. He seemed like he just might be the male version of me and thus I sent him a message telling him so. We talked back and forth, and I like him very much on an intellectual level. He seems like the kind of person that would inspire me to do all the things I WANT to do, but dont because of all the things I feel I HAVE to do. Just reading his profile made me want to start writing again. He has a lot of schooling in a number of subjects like law and accounting; we are very similar in that regard. We talked a bit on IM, but I have not been able to get a hold of him today. Unfortunately, we talked most only about my court case, so did not really get to know each I could try texting him I guess, but #4 should be calling any second.

I had another date with #1 on Saturday. We met up in a town that was a midway point between us, since we live an hour and a half from each other. We decided on a small town that unbeknown to us had little to nothing to do. It was almost 100 degrees out so me doing much walking was out of the question, which he had no really considered, but no one is perfect. We went and ate and talked until the sun started to set and it cooled off. Then we drove around to find something else to do. We ended up hanging on a golf course and then by a lake. It was simple, but a lot of fun just like the first date we had. We did a lot of making out and I wonder if I let him get to far around the bases than one should on a 2nd date. However, we both decided that the first date was like 2 and this was turning into 2 dates in one also, so technically we were on our 4th day. It is not like we went all the way and I did not let him touch below the waist and I did not touch him below the waist. He did take off his shirt and OMG is he toned/ripped! He has a very sexy body! He knows how to just plays, and well might I add, without trying to have sex. He had me going crazy!!! Then he asked how old I was when I first had sex, which I reluctantly answered and asked him the same. He did not think I would believe him, but I actually had a feeling that he did not until he was married. I was right. I asked if he intended to wait until he was married again, and he said yes. I told him that I thought that was awesome and that it actually made me feel better because I did not feel pressured to do it. I told him I was up for the challenge. He misinterpreted that to mean that I thought I could get him to do it, but I really meant the challenge of waiting with him. Not that I think he and I will get married or anything, but I just want to see if I can go the distance and not sleep with him or end up sleeping with someone else if we do decide to be in a relationship at some point. I might have to go get my rocks off once before that happens though.

I do not know if that would be cheating though. I mean we are only dating; I am not his girlfriend, so I would think it would not matter. I am talking to other guys, but I am not making out with them (yet) or plan to sleep with them. I just do not know how this "dating" thing works or the rules of dating etiquette. I am going to try not to over think it and just go with the flow. We shall see what happens.
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insecure
Date: Aug 4th, 2009 7:43:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: hopeful


I sat up kind of late last night freaking out about the deal with #1 and I kept thinking over and over again that I screwed it all up. Really, this is probably not true. It is just my insecurity getting to me. I am being clingy because I am worried that I am not good enough for this totally awesome guy. That is really all there is to it. I want to get over it. I know I am a great girl, so there is no reason for me to feel undeserving. I am good enough damn it. My Adam says I am a princess, so there has to be other guys out there that will see that too. If they don't, it is there loss. I need to ingrain that in myself so I truly believe it. That will help my insecurity. I have to stop looking at a guy not liking me as there is something wrong with me, but rather I am just not there particular flavor. Its like some people like pineapple and some do not. That does not mean there is something wrong with pineapple. Rather, pineapple and that person's taste buds just are not compatible. I want to drill that into my brain!!!

I did actually end up calling #4 and we had a pretty good conversation. I do most the talking, but that is usually how it goes. He did not have much to say though. He was out at a bar with his cousin, which is cool because it shows he likes to go out and have fun and that he was not just waiting around for me. And, he took time away to talk to me and that is sweet. He asked if he could call today, and I said of course. Hopefully, he will talk more this time. I will let you know. I am going to wait for him to call though, just like I am going to wait from #1 to call today/tonight. I did not mention that I said something like I would talk to him Wednesday since he had his boys, but he said no I will call you tomorrow night. Need to find the good things - look to the bright side and stop freaking out. I am a great girl and I will find a wonderful man eventually.
Comments: (1)

how does one just date
Date: Aug 3rd, 2009 5:09:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hectic


I have come to the conclusion that I really have no idea how to just date someone. I am used to guys aggressively pursuing me. I never had to try and most relationship as soon as we hung out once, we ended up together everyday. I know that does not work, so I do not want it again, but I do not know anything else. I talked to #1 today and he basically told me that I was close to smothering him and that he does not like being pursued. He did not say it in a mean way at all. I asked him, and he was honest. I appreciate that. But, now I am freaking out that I am going to screw this up and that I should be playing "hard to get." I hate playing games, but I do not want to push this guy away. I explained all of this to him and asked him to please give me a break and just let me know if I am doing something that bothers him and I will stop. I just hate wondering if this is going to go anywhere or not. I would like to learn how to just go with the flow like I do with everything else in my life. I am able to do that if I only kind of like a guy, but when I am really into someone I get all insecure and clingy. I have decided that I will just start waiting for him to call or text. My mom said, I have to let him come to me. I am so impatient though!!!!! I will let you know how that goes

I went the whole weekend without talking to #1 because he had his kids. A couple texts here and there, but did not talk on the phone at all. I sent him texts here and there to let him know I was thinking about him, but I guess I will not do that anymore. It drove me crazy not to talk to him, but I really appreciate his dedication to his children and that he wants them to have his full attention. I would not have it any other way. We did talk today for our usual 2 hours and had a very interesting conversation. He is Mormon and I really do not know much about that religion, so he ended up explaining it all to me and answer a lot of questions that I had about religions in general. I tend to feel smarter when after talking to him. That is awesome. We might and it is a big might hang out Wednesday, but I may have to work. If not, we will most likely get together this weekend, since he does not have his boys.

I exchanged messages with #4 and he wants to talk to me on the phone. I was supposed to call him tonight and last night, but could not last night and not sure if I feel like it tonight. I am not sure if I am into him and I am tired. I feel like it could be an awkward conversation because he does not say much in his messages. I hate talking to people trying to come up with something to say. I could be wrong, and I am willing to find out. Just not tonight.

I also exchanged messages with #3 who I think I am more compatible with. I just sent him the last 2 rules though, so lets see if he is still interested. #11 is a pretty heavy thing to deal with and I am sure will put a lot of guys off. I do not blame them. That is why I tell them up front. He says he made me a CD though because I had not heard of his favorite band and I asked him to make me a CD so I could check them out. That is sweet that he took the time to do it. He also said it made him happy that I talked to him and I am a rad girl. That was kinda awesome, made me cheese smile anyway

There are a couple other guys talking to me on POF too, but I want to wait before I start adding more numbers to talk about. I am sure it is already confusing. There are also some douche bags trying to talk to me. I have gotten some duh your hot messages from guys that obviously did not read my profile. One guy totally tried to lie and say he did and I busted him out because I say in my profile to mention pineapple so I know you read this. Then he wrote back and asked to chat on an IM with me and that is it. How stupid! Then there was they guy I got into it with and ended up telling me I was stupid because I did not read his messages in backwards order. See, he had said some ignorant stuff and so I told him I was really not interested, and then he said some kind of nice stuff in his other email, but I told him he had already dug a hole he was not going to get out of. That pissed him off. He looked like a serial killer too eek, so I blocked him.

That is it for now.
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does not like the rules
Date: Aug 1st, 2009 3:42:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: introspective


Well suitor #2 I had spoke of, I believe does not like my rules. I sent them to him and he has read them, but not responded at all. Oh well, I figure it is better to know now that he and I do not agree on the important things rather than latter. I hate wasting time, energy, and feelings. I was not totally sure if his look was really my type although I do not care much about looks, so I would have gotten past it if he was really cool. #1 I probably would not normally give a second look, but I am so impressed with the person he is that I got past it. Not that he is a bad look guy in any sense of the word, just not what I would usually go for.

But, I did also start talking to two other guys on PletyofFish. One guy (we will call him #3) seems really cool. He is into punk and having lots of fun and going with the flow. He is a cutie too. Only problem is that he seems to be like every other guy I dated, and I do not think I want to go down that route again. We will see. The other (#4) seems like a really nice guy. However, he may be too sensitive and/or damaged. By damaged I mean that he has had his heart really broken and he is still not quite over it. I have been there and it is rough. He also kinda freaked out when I did not write him back right away. Although it had been 2-3 days, and he probably thought I was just blowing him off. I know how that feels and it is not good. I likely would have reacted in a similar way, so I will not hold it against him totally. I will keep it in the back of my mind though. As far as looks goes he is about a 4, but as I have said before, it really does not matter. I am looking for the person inside not the look outside.

I will let you know how it goes.
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