Could you tell?
Date: Jan 3rd, 2006 7:21:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Reflecting all that\'s happened and will....
Music: Nothing but silence and wind.
If you looked at me you could never tell.
I smile. I laugh. I say everything is wonderful and my vacation was pretty good.
I've probably written this blog a million times over in my head, each word ringing in my mind along with whatever tune that was pounding through the white earphones of my ipod at the time. But when it came to writing them down, suddenly all those feelings who had just moments before been so chatty that it was starting to give me a headache chose to shut their mouths and allow nothing but a series of dots to roll across the screen.
Maybe it was because I didn't want to believe everything that was going on. Maybe I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare called reality. Or maybe, deep down I knew that if I wrote about it, then it was like admitting to the world- to myself- that everything that has happened over the past week was.... true.
Could you imagine watching the one you love the most, the one you chose out of everyone else in the world go through something so horrible and painful that it leaves them in a position where they're fighting for their life? And there's nothing you can do but watch as they deteriorate in front of your eyes?
I can't. But I sure can watch.
It seems like a television show in a way and I'm trapped in it as an unwanted character. I say lines thrown at me on crumpled pieces of tarnished paper, trying to sound as consoling and hopeful as possible. But every day is like a roller coaster. One minute up, the next minute plummeting into nothingness; a scream stuck in your throat, the feeling to dump all insides into the outside world never fading.
I don't know what to think anymore; that's one thing the scrip can't control.
And then, this morning happened.
I remember being woken up suddenly by the sound of my mother's cell phone ringing; each ring sending a punch to my stomach and cutting off my air supply. I glanced at my watch when the ringing stopped, the bright letters of five am screaming at my bloodshot eyes. One am turned out to be far worst a time to finally fall asleep than ever before.
More talking. I closed my eyes tight and strained my ears, trying to catch any clue, but nothing but silence screaming in my ears constricted around my body as I heard the soft click of the phone.
The next thing I knew, the sound of someone crying filled the once empty room. My heart leaped out of my body and lay bleeding and pumping wildly on the hard wooden floor but I could still feel it pounding in my throat. I lay there for a moment, breath caught- a hollow shell just listening, praying that the thought screaming through my mind was wrong. But after a comforting low voice joined the tears, I found myself with my hands on my eyes, whispering over and over 'No, no, no.'
Sleep never was able to take me back again as the hum of a car engine sounded and drove off to a place I had visited many times over the past week. Five am and four hours of rest to work on. Five am and a whole day faking and trying not to see my food for the second time.
At 7:15 I went to wake my dad, my alarm never once singing it's annoying song- it had no need to. For long before I had dragged myself out of bed knowing full well it would soon be time for me to push down my emotions and act as the pillar for all around me. Everyone who needed more strength than I could imagine.
At 7:16 my father told my little sister and I the truth.
At 7:16, my sister looked at me with the means to cry, and all I could do after consoling and making sure she was okay was to go to the one place I knew I wouldn't be able to break down. The one place I would be able to hide my raging emotions that were burning up like fire inside my body as I ran down the street to school.
Suddenly time went by in such a blur, the next thing I knew I was sitting at the floor by my locker, arms pulled around my legs as I buried my head in them, knowing the few people around would merely think I was suffering from New Year hangover or lack of sleep. Oh, I didn't care. Let them think what they wanted to- because never in a million years would I let anyone guess what really happened today. And I wasn't about tell them either. My stubborn self told me long ago that sympathy is not the thing I'm looking for. I don't want it nor do I deserve it.
But then, what did I want? Someone to be my pillar? Someone to catch me as I fell? I think not... I would never want to give that heavy task to anyone. No one deserves having me on their shoulders.
And I knew at that moment even before I lied through my teeth to those who talked to me, today would be filled of 'nothing's wrong' and 'I'm fine, just spacing out again.' Oh well, my mask had never looked so tempting before.
Death is a funny thing. Even when it's expected, by the time it actually does happen, you're left sitting there with this dumbfounded look covering your face while repeating 'What? You're joking, right?'.
Guess death has an odd sense of humor, but it's not always cruel. It can end suffering and extending a hand, can lead people to a better place. That's why, I guess, I'm not blaming it for this. Because this time, no matter how horrible it is for the ones still on this blue planet, death managed to help the one person who never deserved all that life put on him.
And to tell the truth, I believe we shouldn't blame death for all that happens, though most of the time it's the easiest thing to point a finger at. I think this time, death was the best offer. Now at least there is no more suffering on that bed.
I laugh sometimes, thinking about where he ended up. The sign on his restaurant showing that it will be closed in his memory clouding my eyes with tears as I do, the talk of the funeral among relatives, some who rarely ever came to visit him when he got sick, ringing in my tuned out ears. They look at me sometimes, a confused look crossing their faces if they catch that small smile on my face. Without saying anything I know they wonder how I can smile with all that's happened and how it could be quite disrespectful to his memory.
But I know he doesn't mind me smiling.
He knows I'm remembering all the good times. He knows that he lived a limited life for nearly all of mine, until now. Now, he's finally free.
I laugh again, remembering an old story my mother told me and receiving more odd looks from relatives I have never met before in my life who have suddenly shown up saying that they're my cousin who lived right in town but have never bothered to come down to say hello.
I smile, because now he's up there, getting behind the wheel of either a car or a horse and with a sneaky grin saying 'Let's see what this baby can do.'
If you looked at me you could never tell.
I smile, I laugh, I hold in all these emotions and say everything in my life is absolutely perfect while being the support for those who need way more than I do.
Just another day in the cycle of life and death, huh?
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