Life is like a movie, and we\'re all characters in it.
Date: Nov 10th, 2005 8:19:45 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Asleep at the wheel
Music: \'Destiny\' from the X soundtrack
Sometimes I like to think of life as a movie.
Strange, I know. But when there are times when life seems too hard, or too bleak, or too lost in a deep pool of lies and wars, it helps to think that life is just one moment projected to the millions that sit in that tiny theater; hanging on every word, reacting to every moment.
The same goes when something different, or amazing happenes; it's just another chapter in the movie of life.
I've been doing that more often now, my brain sometimes thinking of the words before my hand has a chance to grab a pen. My eyes became my camera, recording every moment that went on in the means of a day. Up or down, sideways or diagonal, zoomed in or out, the movie continued, growing longer each day.
Sometimes it would happen as I walked down the hall, engulfed between all the students; I'm that little drop in the middle of all taller than me.
Usually it was just after seventh, as my brain tried to prepare itself for another day in Global- dreading, yet determined to fight no matter what would be thrown at it.
I would pass kids that I knew, but more I didn't.
Some were smiling, some were laughing as they strolled down the hall with their friend, while others had a more serious expression on their faces. One or two would give me a knowing smile and a nod, or a wave if they could, and I would return the same gesture. But most days not a one saw me as I made my silent way through the crowd.
I passed the girl in the hall with her white earphones in and a smile across her face that told you she was loving life at that moment. I passed the boy leaning on a locker, waiting for his girlfriend to come up and give him a hug that made it seem like they haven't seen each other in forever and a day.
Turning the corner I would find more swarms. Some passed me by closely, our shoulders nearly touching as I made certain to hold my books close while others made wide circles, avoiding me as though I was the bubonic plague.
But when I finally got to my seat, the people in the theater were confused, munching on popcorn, whispering to the person next to them; wondering what was going on.
It's often how I felt each day. Constant confusion racing around my head as I tried to sort out everything that seemed to be slowly swallowing me up; my converses scuffling through the fallen autumn hues of leaves; the crackling sound calming me like my favorite book.
But, it's not like I'm complaining.
Sometimes confusion has to be there in order for people to understand everything. We all have our own views on the world, and someone else's view might be the most confusing thing of all to comprehend; if you can comprehend it at all.
But perhaps one of the topics that makes my head spin the most is friendship.
Weird huh?
For so long I haven't been able to determine whether someone is my friend.
It's hard, not knowing whether a person looks forward to seeing and talking to you everyday, or dreads the moment you open your mouth, annoying things flowing from the jumbles of letters that are floating around in your brain like a pan of alphabet soup.
I try to pay close attention to those feelings of others, thoughts computing through my brain like I'm some kind of a super computer. But lately it seems I need to be updated, as my skill level becomes less and less of the fastest technology out there and new ones come to take my place, each one better than the last.
In making new friends, I'm a complete newbie left in the dark; trying desperately to remember how to open up to someone and completely trust that person. I haven't done that since meeting my two best friends, and that was back in grade school.
Am I scared? Scared to open up again only to be crushed and betrayed? Afraid to think I have a new friend when I really don't? Terrified to get my hopes up? To the tell the truth, I don't know. Maybe somewhere deep within my subconscious mind that fear hides, eating away at my conscious thoughts; feeding off my everyday blunders and slip-ups.
The people in the theater are laughing now, and I hear every chuckle under the breath, meant to be polite, though it stings just as much. But I know they're right.
I stare off into space now, hand in cheek, foot slowly tapping against the sides of my desk trying to cure that annoying beat in my head from this mornings' Jazz band practice.
It's not like I'm looking for pity, or anything of that sort. In fact, that's the last thing I'm looking for. If I'm searching for anything, it would be honesty; the truth behind all my questions. That way maybe one less thing would be clouding up my mind, my vision, my ears, my mouth. That way maybe the truth would set me free, and my heart could pour open once more. My closest of friends seem to have the same trouble, trying to determine what is right, who is right, and what would be better left unsaid.
They admit they're lost in a state of denial; drowning in it's clutches, but they don't want to do anything about it. And then there's me, finally beginning to break out of that steel cocoon I've been lost in for so long.
Uncertainty is a strange thing. Denial seems to go along hand in hand with it, as both love to laugh and watch in glee while they tug on those invisible strings they've attached to your body, stringing you along like a soulless marionette.
The problem is, we as humans are not soulless.
I hope I can find an answer to my question. But if I don't, I guess I'm along for one hell of a ride, just like all of us are.
The people in the theater are silent now. Not a shuffle of feet, not a whisper to a partner, not a crunch of popcorn. The eerie quiet torrents over the people, but they don't seem to notice; they're too fixed on me, waiting to see what I'll do next. Whether I'll mess up or say something stupid, or perhaps someone will come up with the words that could set me free by making a smile cross my lips, or breaking that thin layer of ice I'm on and sending me down to the cold waters below.
The people in the theater are silent because, like me, they don't know what's going to happen next.
But whatever happens, it will be great for the movie.
Comments: (2)
Create your own Free Aeonity Blog Today
Content Copyrighted silentrain at Aeonity Blog
 |
heavensent - November 10th, 2005 |
phantasmic - November 15th, 2005 |
