silentrain's Blog

Midnight hours leak through the pale moon
Date: Nov 29th, 2005 9:48:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Holding onto the good times and watching as more role right in
Music: \'Coyote and the Moon\' by Petracovich

There it is. I can feel it.

I can feel it crushing my shoulders, suffocating me from the inside where I can't try to tear it away as with every tentative step it grows heavier; hissing in open ears that can't tune it out no matter how hard they try.

"Give up," it whispers, causing clumsy feet to trip up the stairs. It begins to laugh horsely, grinning at what it did; soaking in the snickers others give like a dark tunnel with no end in sight. But when I begin to laugh it hushes, staring at me like I had just grown two more sets of arms and was now hanging upside down on the ceiling; peering down at a reversed world.

I will not be defeated.

"Give up," it commands, words firmer as it messes with my emotions, plugging and unplugging the wires in my brain; rearranging the links to memories that so long ago I've held close but now find impossible to recall. It presses that little red panic button, firmly labeled 'do not touch' in several languages- including my own- repetitively, each pound sending another shattered question into my head.

What am I going to do? Did I say the right thing? Who am I going to tell? Should I even tell anyone? How is this going to effect my life? How is everyone going to react when I tell them my decision? What is my decision?

Why am I thinking these thoughts?

Confused, It pushes the button again but it's too late- the steel wall is up. Angrily, it tries again, banging on the poor red button so hard it breaks, spurs and wheels flying everywhere. Well, at least they're free.
Cursing loudly, It's mind rushes to beat me down.

I shouldn't be thinking like this.

I have to get this thing off my shoulders.

"Marina? Is something wrong?"

I nearly jump out of my skin, wide eyes looking at the person who had spoken.

The mask goes on. I'm in the lime light. It's my script, my scene, my steel happy mask.

"No, no!" I say, fake smile and carefree laugh fooling everyone around except me and It. "I'm fine! Just....spacing out again."
The way the lies fly out of my mouth without a hitch; without a tripping of the tongue scares me a bit. I know it's the mask speaking for me, formally rusted steel hinges somehow finding a way to move without the need of oil. It's my voice, but my heart screams confined in it's icy cage; it doesn't make a sound.

It's back again, this time crawling through my brain like a bed bug, sucking away the intimidating figure of the wall- reducing it down to nothing but harmless dust.

Once again the laughter starts. It's beyond proud as it leans down to see what else it can do to destroy it more. But it stopped as a piercing scream interrupts it's joy, the seemingly harmless dust flying into it's eye and mouth; suffocating it's words, blinding it from the shadowy, shaking figure standing above it.

The good news is building, the worst is over. You may stick out your foot and cause me to trip up the stairs once more in front of everyone. You may block out the rest of the world's cries by screaming until blood is pouring from my ears and all I hear is the dripping of it onto the white papered floor.
You may cause me to fail, and you may cause my emotions to make me more insane than normal. You may cloud my vision from the invisible things that are the best things in life and you may suck until there is nothing but a hollow shell... but I will not submit to you.

I will not be brought down....

I will not let you control my life....

I will not slip to the ground....

I will not...

Will not...

Not.....


Today.....




Comments: (3)

deathcab4u - November 29th, 2005 Life is like a movie and we are characters? I hope that in this story the character never gives in to defeat, not today, not ever.

zanjui - November 30th, 2005 <i>"No, no!" I say, fake smile and carefree laugh fooling everyone around except me and It. "I'm fine! Just....spacing out again."</i> Interesting. I often find myself in the same position. Others often show their care in asking me if something is wrong, but I block it out. No matter how miniscule it may be, I don't want others to know what is bothering me (the majority of the time at least.) I don't get anywhere with it, but it helps to avoid sympathy I suppose. Sympathy for what I'm not sure... if my concern is even deserving of any. You have a very unique way of expressing your thoughts. It's almost like reading a play. A play of Marina. :]. I like.

lost_souls - November 30th, 2005 It's amazing how many times that line seems to also come flying out of my mouth, but I don't think anyone ever notices that it's not the truth. I'm not even sure I want them too. But you're an amazing writer. Do not give in.

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