Shadows of memories
Date: Dec 13th, 2005 2:15:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Trying to find my wishing star amongst everyone else\'s...
Music: \'What a Wonderful World\'- Louis Armstrong

Today I missed something I've gone to every year.
Tonight I'm missing something I've never been to.

It's strange. One moment seems to be dripping by like chinese water torture and then the next it goes by so fast you're spun around with your hair stuck out to one side like a bottle of spiking gel has exploded all over your head.

I guess time is like that. It loves to fool around with it's speeds; going from super sonic to extra slow motion at any point it sees fit, dragging out the horrible moments; snatching away the best days of your life.

I sit on the roof or on my bed, staring at the night cloak surrounding the earth like a cupped hand. The full moon shines overhead with a galaxy of stars dangling like shards of hope, each one the wish of a person who needed something to believe in.

The clouds sometimes come to cover them. Thick and black they are, full of despair and doubt, choking and blinding the dreams of all who choose to let them.

Strange how the cloud cover seems to be thicker than usual these days and if you look around you can tell whose letting it effect them and whose not.
Guess the wind isn't as strong as it once was.
But, I wonder if they notice the bit of pale moonlight shining through the mess of seemingly impenetrable doom. It's there, leaving shadows of hope on the ground below.
See? One just danced towards you.
Wont you pick it up? Or will you just let it die at your feet?

Hm. Yes. There are a lot more clouds than usual tonight. Ah, but the moon seems to be making it's way through anyway. Guess it still doesn't want to miss it's big scene.

Leafing through an old black and white yearbook brings back memories that linger in the back of your mind, swimming around aimlessly- wondering when they'll be found once more. Each new crackling page causes more powerful waves of lost documents to flood back to your conscious mind. You remember some with a grin. You push others back with tears and fire.

Yesterday I looked through photo albums of the past, the dust flying away like speckles of sun through the window shades with every turn. Stories unfolded that had been pushed away by the daily stresses of life; scattered pieces of my mind finally coming together, allowing me to see my full reflection once again, if only for a moment.
With each page and caption I felt as though my life was flashing before my eyes, but I wasn't dying- I was living- through the pictures.

Once in a while my eyes would flash to something that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't remember, like a fog had rolled across an already misty night; like a styrofoam dagger trying to penetrate into an iron heart-impossible to recall, when it should have been impossible to forget.

I carefully turn another page and stare intensely at one picture, trying to recall why I had been smiling like that, or posed in that certain way when the flash sent me seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Was that my famous forced smile that everyone could tell was fake? The way my lips try to find a reason to pull in that direction so when person behind the camera presses down the shutter button, I actually look like I'm enjoying myself instead of appearing like some skeleton that doesn't belong in the land of the living.

And why am I posed like that? Like a statue of my former self, cold and waiting- the thoughts going through my head not reflecting how I am captured in that one moment.

Hm. My mask works better than I thought.

But it might have to be cleaned very soon- it's been a while since I've had my picture taken.
Comments: (1)

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lost_souls - December 13th, 2005
Wow. I can relate to what you said about time. Sometimes it's like you can't keep up, and sometimes it's just the opposite.

And yes, my masks seems to work better than I thought sometimes too. Sometimes I wish it didn't, but it's become this bad habit that I can't seem to break. There are people that I'd love to show my real self too, but it just doesn't seem possible.

I don't know if you're having the same problem as me, but you may want to try taking off that mask sometime...


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