I had a dream that the world was shifting under my feet; that everything was shaking, screams lighting up across the sky.

I dreamt that I stood in the hollow of a vally as it transformed heaving, into a mountain- with only a mind shattering screech echoing in my head to prove it had ever been anything but the newly minted peak.

There was death in my dream. Not just mine; but the deaths of many. Mothers, fathers. Lovers, spinsters, and the damned. We all died the same way. It amazed me, dream me- that death was the same equilizer as birth had been. We all were born the same way- setting and timing aside. We all die.

It wasn't a scary dream. It was hardly even a nightmare.
It was cold.

Cold, when I woke.

It was cold with the realization that one day I would move my valley to the top of a mountain. And from there I could see everything ending.

I woke knoing that one day, I will have all of my answers.
-

Everything is up in the air. I am so swamped with my current job- and yet not doing my job. My part time job getting needlessly stressful.

I am waiting to hear if I got the Big Brother's Big Sister's position. I want it. I don't want to leave. I need change, and fear it. FUCK. I AM A COWARD.

Such a coward.
-

'Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.'

I am tired.

Tired of people doing nothing but talking about change. Beaurocracy has been here since the dawn of organized society. Our schools are a disgrace. Our kids are killing themselves faster than the obesity can.

Why would we change what ain't broke?
It is broken.

Society isn't benefitting anyone.
Except it allows us to stay fat and lazy.

I work. I work. I work. I volunteer.
I work.

'Mine is an evil laugh.'
-

So. Halloween, huh?



I have a top hat, and I have tails.
Fishnets, and a corset that makes my tits capable of making Sir Isaac Newton weep.
I hope I do Zatanna justice.

The only sadness in dressing like the enchantress, and mistress of magic herself is- people will only know I am dressed as a
'sexy magician'

Injustice.

And yet- I suppose... in my mid-twenties- I shouldn't be so enraptured by comic books, and the beautiful references they lend.
I'm nearly done reading A Song of Fire and Ice.
I'm killing time.
Procrastinating on my application for a fringe show.

Life creeps forward.
-

My life is becoming full.
I am so close to having to empty my life inbox it is nearly deafening.

I have so many things on the go.
Busy, busy, stagnant.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

My stress levels skyrocket so high- I just... I find I have more coping mechanisms than I know what to deal with. I am an orstrich with my head in the sand, and I am a bear with its' mouth covered in blood.

I play a dangerous game with myself. I live for my downtime. Work is meaningless and mostly an enabler for my laziness.

I want to crotchet, read my bloodlust novels, write my feeling down on paper, drink my tea, watch senseless amounts of shit on television. I am happy at home- happy but I swear my family can smell it and like sharks in the water...

-are after me.

Their stresses, and strains suffocate me. They fuel my indifference and blatent apathy.

Save me?
Throw me a big fucking neon lifering and drag me back to a world where I am capable of empathy.
-

Many thing.
I don't often like to hate, but today seems to be the crankybitchysick day.
So I will allow myself today to rant.

Locked doors when you're sitting in the living room. Your two volumes; angry and yelling. Your inability to use common logic.

I refuse to talk about it anymore.
The more I talk about your dumb,loud, cunt ass. The more I seeth.

Worst lifechoice ever.
-

Thisbe.
-

Stomach churning.
By gaslight burning.
I need this day to end.
---


Ever feel like your significant other is cheating on you- for no real reason? Now, before you agree; and tell me that my feelings are likely correct. Allow me to explain.

I am not talking about the beautiful boy that shares my bed. I am not talking about he with his unexpected holds, and sweetness.

I talk about fiction. I feel like life is cheating on me.
With what?
My younger, more dazzling twin? My life has changed drastically. Again. I am living with Exspensive. Everything is good- well... most everything. Work is meh. Money is meh. And oddly enough, my only complaint (Besides people not paying me back monies) is that I miss her.

The time zones are enough to kill me. It's odd.
My co-dependence normally doesn't hold this long.
I miss her. I hate Korea. I hate Korea.
And car insurance.
---

The pallid spew of colour,
by the graying light grows duller,
I need this day to end.
-

FUCKSHITCUNTASSHOLE.


I have a truck. Its not my fault.
They are too cheap to pay for my parking so they force me to park in the smallest fucking place.

AND THEN THEY YELL BECAUSE I AM PARKED LIKE A DOUCHE.

I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I SHAKE WITH RAGE- SHAKING WITH RAGE.
GAH.

-Jeannie is in labour and I am the one panicking-
PANIC
YELLYELLSCREAMPOUTYELL

I am hungry and impatient and I WANT IT TO BE MY BIRTHDAY.
...
Which.
Is tomorrow.

As I age, I get crankier.
-

Or the satelites.

I'm not picky.

I'm excited for my new job. It will be a change of pace if nothing else. I am bored at work again. No youth in what, weeks?

I've gotten in to a routine of being paid to watch an episode fo Doctor Who and spend copius amounts of time devoted to my writing.

It is growing. I am growing. I look forward to one day being able to say that everything has worked out well.

The boy is taking measures to be a good boy.
He even washed dishes last night, and made me dessert whilst I watched SVU.
I enjoy him, I wouldn't trade him in.

Mostly.
Mostly I want kettle corn, cold tea, and to learn how to do a convincing British accent.
Me with the unending wants.
-

To lose someone in your life is exhausting.

Death isn't an easy aquaintance, it seems as soon as you get to know its' cold icy hands, it's always knocking on your door.

I am exhausted. I am depleted. i am hopeful.

I have a disgusting need to ink my body- and not the funds to do so. Perhaps in the fall.

My life is a flailing thing.
I am incredibly... indifferent.

The man in my life and I talked last night. I love him. I won't tell him just yet- but I do. We are trying this fun new thing called financial accountability.

Budgets.
Sounds like fun, huh kids?

I see the future. It is a bright, and overwhelming place.

Are you there God,
It's me Andrea.
-

I am so frustrated. Car accident in which I was not at fault and now that stupid bitch is claiming I didn't stop. Lady. You have full coverage. It was icy. ICY. Why are you not taking responsibilty.

Its only me that gets fucked. Face down, ass up.

Turns out thats' the way the fucking world loves to see me.

I have no car- overwhelming debt. I am losing it. LOSING IT. Losing my motherfucking mind. This is the most expensive month of the year and everything is crashing down hard. FUCK. Please give me a chance to catch up. I really wouldn't be opposed to vasnishing.

POOF

Gone. I just need it to balance.
-

Both figuratively and literally.

I am a creature of habit- I like schedules, and routines. I like being places where I feel comfortable- and I like have a cemented support system. My awkward tendancies leave me feeling stressed; this move is going to kill me.

I feel alienated at work.

I feel insecure in myself.

I feel.

I feel less apathetic than ever- which is terrifying in and of itself. Feeling leads to feeling depressed. Right? Or is this how life is supposed to be? Why is this so much stress. Why can't I be one of those people that can just go with the flow- who just adapt with changes and embrace it.

Someone once told me that change is neither good, nor bad. Change simply is.

Somehow it made me feel better- but now the ambiguity...

...its too much.
-

I am beyond irritated.
So fucking irritated.
I am tired of payments bouncing, and bills not getting paid. I am slowly breaking into a million peices because I owe so much damn money.

Telus, Bell, TD Insurance, Rent, VISA, VISA, Rogers, Shaw, EPCOR.

Paycheck comes, and its gone before it touches my bank account. I can't afford to eat. Let alone pay down my debt. Gas in my car? A luxury I cannot afford.

I am drowning. I am drowning.
And it seems like every step forward I take, another brick fucking wall gets thrown in my face.

Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
-

I am caught up in a world in which completely consumes me.

It is fictional.

It is filled with drama and heartbreak.
Fear, and death.
Hurt, hope and hard-feelings.

My head is split seven ways. And it hurts.
It hurts so badly.

My butt is wet. My car is free. My head is FUCKED.
-

I'm finally feeling good about Christmas.
I feel like I'll make it.

Everything will be okay- I will be able to survive the new year.
I forgot how much I miss the old staff at work- this week has been greatly needed. Filled with dildo zuchinni's, asian pyrogies, 'chocolate rain', watching movies, free food, and the general consensus that the new staff suck.

I love Charlie Brown's Christmas. I feel like I somehow wish for a CB Christmas everyyear and then get too wrapped up in the commercialism of it all.

This year I have no tree. I have no real solid Christmas.

I am divided to fifty different family functions with my factioned family.
I am torn and twisted.
I am pleased at the amount of free food I shall have.

I am irresponsible, and have too many options.
I am hiding from finishing my Christmas shopping.
I really need to sort me out.

Santa. This year- all I want is some self-clarity. Some clear self-reflection.
Please Santa...

-

Everytime I login in- and yet- when I think about deleting my account, making a new one and forgiving the wreck that I used to be- and still am...

I can't do it.

I am confused about what the next four months will hold. I am cold- and fuzzy.


Everything seems like it will pan out and then- I can't help but worry about the ramifications of my actions if I go through with things. It just seems so...

Easy? And yet like such a cop-out.
I fear change- and this is the biggest problem.

I am avoiding going home because it is so filthy I don't know where to start cleaning- and I can't sit there and just leave it and so... I stay out late and only come home to sleep. Or sleep on friends couches. Or the fiends' bed.
I want a Christmas tree.

I want shiny lights.
I want.
I want not to want anymore.
-

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I really want a tree. I miss lights and a clean house and soft shitty jazzy Christmas music. I miss having proper snow.

I am just so...

Not in the Christmas spirit. I am happy though. I feel like everything is slowly falling apart. Falling apart and into a jumbled heap of sense.

I think I know what I'm gonna have to do.
I dream of a quiet one bedroom house, with a Christmas Tree and no cat to mulitate boxsprings, and toilet paper. No more kitty litter pieces on my bed...

I am tired. I am fighting. I am.
A poinsetta.
Beautiful to look at- toxic to eat.
-

Words mean nothing.

Especially when those words aren't even spoken.
-

What the fuck.


I am so angry. I am SO ANGRY. SO MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY.

Crying doesn't even make it feel better. I am so fucking tired of this. I wish people would stop fuckig talking. I'm tired of being happy for people who could give a flying fuck if I even exist. I'm tired of EXPLAINING my sorry ass to EVERYONE.

I am fine. I will BE fine. FINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINISHEDFINE.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

Except you.

You owe me. A life, a story, a kiss, a fucking happily ever after. Sex and Candy. Thats' what my life has turned into.

Sweat and Sugar.

Calories and curled fists.

I am premenstral. That would explain the fucking tears, and the hatred. Noone can do anything right. I'm tired of the filthy apartment, and I want stability. I want two years ago.

Blissful ignorance.

I miss living a life uninterrupted.
-

Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

---------


I am exhausted. And I have seemingly given up the fight. The ability to fight for injustice. I just simply live. I wake up, go to work, eat, go home, eat, see the boy that is mildly indifferent, go to bed alone.

I live in the eye of the storm, living a life that is neither fantastic, nor horrific. I would like to say that I am happy, but I'm slowly becoming fed up. I'm tired of all these stupid expectations.

I want to go home at the end of a shitty day and partake in some bed shaking. I long to walk around stark naked. I desire to be admired, and to do the things I like without fear of judgement.

Reading my shitty comic books

Drinking my sugarfree hot cider

Watching silly depressing movies

Listening to my music

Playing silly RPG videogames

I want. I want. I WANT. WANTWANTWANWTAWATWNAWNANWANT.

I want sleep. I want new tires. I want sex. I want solitude and friendship and acceptance and hesitations and no more debt and bigger paychecks and Fantastia and Chicken Noodle Soup and love.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the positive...
-

It seems like I don't have anything world altering, or thrilling to share. I feel like my life should be snappier.

We live in a world of Current Facebook Updates, and Tweets and yet my life just plods along.

Unlike high school self, sort-of-grown-up-self is not thrilled by every wayward glance, nor is she half as hopeful for a perfect relationship, and no financial worries, and a beautiful home and a great job and the right clothes. She is more realistic than that.

She doesn't have a snappy update for twitter every hour on the hour. Her facebook profile doesn't make me happy, nor sad.

I am average. She is average. Average. Why is that word so devastating? So- unsettling? And yet, if average is just that... then by standard... what is extraordinary?

I am not special. Not really. My interests, my knowledge, is shared by hundreds. Likely more than that. My genetics are slightly unique, but I am just parts of others.

I am me. Which happens to be pretty average.
Perhaps a little more introverted than most.
But wholly uninteresting.
-

Creates the look I dare acheive.
They make me smile, and swoon and check,
Still my beating heart.

They are blue ones,
Gray and orange,
Dance lightly in a wreath.

The knot, tied tight,
Clinches around my windpipe in a lazy sense,
Too tired to try and close the deal.

Too tired to dry and wilt,
Too tired to let me rest.
To sleep.

---

As of late I have been happy. In a romantic sense. By romantic, I mean romantiziced way. I live in a 'state of happiness'. Whatever the fuck that means these days. I guess I refer to the the preversion of self.

I have convinced myself that I am happy; therefore I am happy.

I ramble; therefore I am full of shit.

Chipped teacups. Floral print. Miniature buttons. Wide stripes. Bicycles. Birdcages and effortless tomes.

All things I surround myself mentally with. I am falling down the rabbit hole. Through the looking glass. I am slowly going mad, or coming sane.

These days, who can be certain which is which?
-

I've been waiting to watch 500 Days of Summer for almost a year now. I knew it would be one of those super cute movies, and Joesph Gordon-Levitt is my celeb crush, so how could it be wrong? Right?

It was like watching a fast forward of my life. A slightly altered flashback. A nighttime dream gone bad. I have this sick feeling like that is what I am doomed to. Heartache and woe.

Heartache and woe, heartache and woe.

I wish I was a more positive person. With an upbeat personality and quick witted lines and this unwavering sense of self. One where I knew who I was. Where I was going...

Instead I watch Hollywood movies and let them ruin my day. I am that sad.
-

Bruce Haack has a diiiirty voice.

"Lie Back, Lie Back, Lie Back, Nothing else for you to dooo...."

My birthday was a bust. The wedding was a fabulous drunk. The hangover day made me love him more than ever. And then Monday came and wrecked it all.

I wrecked it all. Why do I feel like I need to lie. It just makes me look guilty. Constantly. It was a simple little thing, but I know it makes him furious; why do I continually do it to myself? And to top it all off...

My bank account got drained by some scum of the earth hackers. Unimpressive. My rent was supposed to come out today, and instead I get an eviction notice. AWESOME.

I want it to be Sunday all over again. Potato Pancakes, and head pats, and dinner like we used to, and secret sleepovers and snuggly-laughs.

My new years resolution... I finally figured it out. I resolve to no longer lie. Not even white lies. Not even clear lies. Not even invisible lies.
I resolve to be up front with how I feel. No matter whose feelings get hurt.

Because I am tired of lying to myself.
-

Awkward.

Things in my life are almost always described as awkward. I suppose one could thusly deduce that I am an awkward sort.
I am so tired as of late, it’s nearly unbearable. It seems like I have a bajillion and twelve things on the go constantly. This month is always the one that stretches me the furthest.

May. The month of birthdays, weddings, graduations, camping, trips and heartache.

How’ve I missed thee.

For my birthday I want a few things:
A debt-free life
New bedding
A day devoted to me.

Perhaps a night of girly dancing and fruit-filled drinks?
Perhaps just a good nights’ sleep.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps I’ll grow up, and old and carelessly carefree.
-

I had the most awful night of my life on Thursday. The events were harmless and yet. Who lost out on an entire night's worth of sleep? Who actually had to break down and tell someone, something truthful about the issues in her life for once?

At first the flattery was nice. Yeah, of course you'd want to date me. Of course. Who wouldn't? I'm pretty okay.

But then when I got home, all I could think of was three years prior. Three years ago when I deluded myself into your games. I couldn't stop thinking about how all I wanted for so long was your attention, and it actually caused me to doubt my current relationship. You truly are an evil sort.

Why do you bother me so much? I am hurt that you would ask me to casually sleep with you. Especially since you knew everything that was going on between me and Spence. This is why I avoided you for so long. You asked why we weren't friends anymore, you say you hate missed opportunities...

And yet you can toy with her emotions. Lead her on, just as you did me. With no worries. No emotion lost.

Well. Kind sir, I'm starting to piece your mindframe together...
I don't want to be with you.

Nope.

For once in my life, I can honestly say that I actually learned my lesson.
-

It’s that time of year again. The time of year where everything shakes up and you start to question why you’re stagnant.
Only not stagnant at all, are you?

No. In fact, your world is still spinning at breakneck speed, whirling out of control, and yet, it’s slowing down and you wonder why it doesn’t spin faster.
You joke constantly about quitting your job, and taking up an eating disorder. Hahaha. So funny. Isn’t it?
Well it certainly would be cheaper than paying for food, just giving it up entirely.

I have no idea what I want to accomplish. I have vague inclinations.
I know what life should entail.
And yet...
Getting what you want is never that easy is it?
Is it?
-

I am.

Entirely.

Classy.

All I want is to vanish for a month. And then I'll be fine. Life'll be on track.

Maybe that's what i'll do.
POOF

and then...
-

Easter was actually phenomenal. In a fabulous and shitty way.

Poor Bee got dumped out of the blue, and hard too. Luckily she has a few friends out here in Redneck Central, she came over for Easter dinner with us. Spent the day on Friday with the Exploding Redhead, and randomly decided to get an industrial.

On a whim. Then it was beer and manly persuits.

Saturday was a day for lost causes, and lost time. PStar built me a beach in my living room. Mexico ain't got nothing on my downtown apartment cabana. I also took Felicity on her first highway cruise, in the dark, out to the Farm.

Got a little intoxicated and had the best drunken snuggles yet.

Sunday ER and I cooked our first Turkey, and it wasn't even a bust! It was delicious and the gravy turned out. Turns out a bottle of Red, and a bottle of White mixed with Diddy is quite halarious.

Sadly our dinner guests were loads more entertaining than HotTub TimeMachine. But the company was good.

When the Wicked Witch of the Wretched moves out and on... My life will be one stones throw away from happiness.
-