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ugh Feb 20th, 2007 5:52:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood | empty

I am so scared...I am so nervous....I am so worried....I am everything I dont want to be
Waking up but not wanting to wake up
Having to smile when it's just fake
Having to care for everyone around you but not be cared for
Screaming and no one hears you because you can barely open your mouth to talk
I can't even cry my eyes are sealed shut because I dont want to look at this world I dont want to look at me I dont want to see what I am afraid to see

I accept myself but I dont even understand why I am going through this
Late March I am getting my new wig from hair club for kids
its not the same one as last time its very different
its going to look much better less ratty
its glued to my head so it wont come off...i can shower with it, sleep with it, anything....even continue with my sports
i will feel more self confident
but i know i have a lot to face
i know people will ask me how i went from having hair so short to having it long again
or they will tell me its a wig
i think i know its a wig you stupid fucker you dont need to point it out to me
and then theyll say "oh" or ask me why and i wont want to explain and ill prolly lie or tell them its none of their fucking buisness
i know a lot of people know what i have but i dont want them to anymore
i lost so many friends
people were like
woah shes messed up she has a disease i cant hang with her shes all sad all the time prolly
well go fuck yourself BITCH
i dont want to have to explain all this
and i know people will go behind my back and laugh at me and make fun of me or something, it has before ALOT
and i dont want to deal with this again
i want my hair back long but i dont want to explain it
and i want to get better and i want to have this disease go away
but i dont think it ever will
i know it never will
its a disease that can never go away
and it scares me that i will always live with this, die alone, live alone, cry alone, and no one will care
i just wish some angel would come down and save me
because i dont know if i can go through this myself
please....everyone who is reading this
i need as much support as i can get
i need someone to talk to
i need someone to lean on
and i need someone to care

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i know you all miss me. Feb 4th, 2007 2:13:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood | spacey

it's been a long time.
so hello.


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passage into midnight Aug 24th, 2006 7:04:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood | alone

my dad doesnt understand anything. i get called names all the time and get bitched at and get made fun of by MY OWN DAD. I want to die right now. I've been cutting to deal with pain...But no matter how deep I draw the knife into my wrist it will never be able to resemble the pain so deep that I feel. I have to get a wig because my hair pulling is so bad. I can't help it though! I don't try to do it, it's a disease, I hate doing it. And in one week I will be in school and I don't want to go to school with this I just won't make it..I just can't take life anymore. I already hate myself and my life I don't know how to go on. ANYONE HELP NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH PAIN I FEEL LIKE IM DROWNING I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE I CANT TAKE IT I NEED SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO SAVE ME.

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The Fiction We Live Aug 4th, 2006 7:03:15 am - Subscribe
Mood | achy

Yesterday was a wild day....I met up with Hillary early so I could hang out with her. We bike to her house. I don't know why I did this or got into what I got into. I numbed my lip for 5 minutes using ice. Took a sterilized needle. Pushed it through. 5 Minutes later I took it out, but the piercing in, but it wouldn't go through the back. I pushed as hard as I could for even a half an hour till the pain burned so hard I almost threw up. I was on my knees on the floor in pain feeling dizzy, hot, and sick. I get up and put the backing on over the skin so it breaks through. I pierced my lip.

pics on my myspace:


then michelle came to hang out with me and hillary and it was late at night and we went to the park and burned babrie dolls the flame was huge and hillarys dad was driving by, stops the car and yells out. GET ON HOME! it was scary yet awesome

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Just In Time Aug 1st, 2006 6:50:14 pm - Subscribe
Mood | screwed

And ever since I left it all, I really felt I let you down. But we could count stories with my sheets--two lovers in a noisy town. The good times don't mean shit when I'm relying on telephone lines to keep you from crying, so you don't leave me. And I must pray. Forgive me for saying, "Was this a mistake?" BUT WE CAN DREAM. But it's a complicated mess, and what it comes down to is just me. What if we touch lips just this once, and a blindfold leads to sinning? And she said, "Holding my hand makes me comfortable, and just surround me with loving, baby. Not gonna wait around, cause I'm falling down and you're leaving town." Thought she was fearfully free. And I just made up my mind, just in time for you to leave me. Now that that's out of the way. Invested all our time, for three great years we had a good scare. Now come give me a sign that you're just not messing with my mind.


It hurts to have someone you thought was your friend turn their back on you, lie all the time, and tell you off. It hurts to be already strugling with a disease and fighting depression. It hurts. It hurts to be made fun of. It hurts to have your parents not understand your disease. It hurts so much sometimes I just need to get away, any little thing that might take the pain away. Smoking cigarettes, drinking alchohal, anything to make me feel different. When I don't have any cigarettes I go down to my basement and drink my parents alchohal. Many of you probably wonder how old I am because I never said really. Well I am 13 and I am going to be a freshman in highschool. It hurts to deal with this when I'm so young. It hurts to hurt myself but I don't care anymore anything to escape me from life or make me numb to all pain and worries. They don't know. No one knows. I NEED OUT.

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back for good... Jul 30th, 2006 11:15:07 am - Subscribe
Mood | careless

many of you probably know i havent been on since DEC 26TH but now i am back...ive had other blogs and i just didnt keep with this one. i wont even start to try to tell what has changed but ill just put in some things that have been on my mind latly

How I feel Latly -

Fuck what I stand for. Fuck what I used to be. Fuck ever feeling for hope. Honestly, I feel no hope for the future. I feel as if no one would ever love me and I'm just going to turn into waste and deteriarate away. My parents and everyone around me think I'm so well behaved and happy but they don't know anything. I always feel like I'm burning and suffocating. I feel like all the germs in my home that surround me are trapping me and suffocating me. And I feel emotionally suffocated. I feel like someone took a belt around my throat and pulled it tight till I turn blue. My parents and everyone around me think I'm such a good christian girl with a bright personality, happy spirit, good heart. They think I am so nice and careing and I always help out. They think I am so against drugs and smoking and drinking. But they don't know what I have done. What I do behind their back. I smoke cigarettes to escape my pain. I drink alchohal alone to escape my pain. I feel in a deep depression. I don't know what is real anymore. When I am out with friends I may seem happy but I can only pretend. And it's just day by day till I die and nothing will change because my fate is just downward and filled with failure.

Love -

I don't know what it's like to be in love. I don't even know if this is LOVE. All I feel like is I don't care if they hate me or love me (I wish they would love me) but if them being happy means being with someone else, that is what I want for them because I love them so much. I've never experienced so much love until now. I would give up my life for this person. I would give up everything I own for this person. I would do anything for this person. Even if they don't notice me I want them to know just how much I love them and how it will never change. How even if I'm with someone else I'll never fully feel complete because I'm not with them. And even if they came to me in crisis I would listen and be there for them and not question them. I would listen even if it took 3 days. I would listen if it took a month. I would be there for that person no matter how I was feeling or no matter how much I wanted them for myself. Because I want them to be so perfectly happy. Even if it means me feeling miserable I would do that because just being in their presence makes me feel a little better, even thinking about the smallest memory of them makes me smile. I sound crazy but I can't help the way I feel. I don't even want to feel this way because I know I won't suceed I only fail in the end. Love only ends up hurting me.

....... yeah.


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oy!!! im back Dec 26th, 2005 12:59:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood | electrified

oy im sorry i havent been posting in a long time! ive been super busy but heres whats kinda been going on:

I thought I'd be having about a D in Algebra because I've been doing bad on quizzes and assignments latly, but I have a B, ironic.

I saw "The Family Stone" which was very good and pretty funny at some parts. It's a drama/comedy/romance and I recomend you to go see it.

I would take a bath with Mike Tyson if he was sensative and polite and did not try to eat my ear as a snack.

Last night I meditated for like 30 minutes and it felt really good. So I do that when I wake up and before I go to bed.

Harry Potter 4 is now in IMAX and so I'll prolly see it there over winter break. Ricky will probably be coming over one day so we can record. And I'll prolly hang with Rick too.

And for Christmas yesterday I got:
The last piece for my recording studio
A camera phone (my first cell phone sprint samsung camera phone)
2 Hoodies
2 Band shirts
Starbucks giftcard
A Belt
Some other stuff

I'm going to Harbor (the gym im a member to) so have a good one today

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its me!! haha Dec 11th, 2005 9:36:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood | hella

haha pics:

blah ill post more later
but add me on myspace ifffff you want
if you didnt notice, my mood right now is "hella" LOL

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The 3 S\'s Dec 11th, 2005 1:17:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood | ugh

Sighing, Sleeping, and Sulking are my new favorite S's. I've tried to be upbeat, study, be a good person, I've turned my lifef around, and again I listen to my family fight.

fucking morons.

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Am I Invisible? Nov 23rd, 2005 8:56:54 pm - Subscribe
Mood | ignored

I feel invisible to almost everyone I know. Invisible or nothing. I'm never something. I'm "JUST" Laura. I'm never the friend, I'm always the aquaintance or "Person from school." What if I've known someone for a year and I send them a message, I just go, "Hey what's up this is Laura" And they go Laura who? So I tell them my last name. And they either say "Oh that redhead" or "I don't know you".

My parents, they let my brother do whatever he wants no matter how bad he is. Getting F's, smoking pot, underage drinking, they let him go out still and they want to talk to him and be his friend. But what bout me? I get straight A's, I'm a good person, hates drugs hates drinking, and when I try to talk to them it's "Shut up Laura I'm watching wheel of fortune" or it's "Go clean your room" when it's already clean. And when I try to ask to go out it's, "No you got a A- on that math test, your grounded".

My teachers and schoolmates. I'll be gone for 3 days becuse I hurt my foot. And on the 3rd day it's "Wheres Laura today?" and the student will go "Oh I THINK SHES ON VACATION OR SOMETHING" and then someone else pipes in "No...mabye she has wooping cough".

Am I the only one who feels invisible to almost everyone? I'm a outgoing person, loud, always laughing, and people seem to know WHO I am but they treat me like I'm not there.

But it's ok, no one cares how laura feels ever.

My feelings are tightly held inside I guess and I'll silently scream. And I'll stay invisible.

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Broken TOE!! Nov 21st, 2005 9:03:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood | destructive

i broke my toe
but they cant give my crutches or cast or anything, on sunday, going to get the newspaper with no shoes on and i hit the curb
theyr taped tho and i walk like a grandma

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M.I.A. Nov 20th, 2005 10:12:03 am - Subscribe
Mood | sly

Today's going to be boring. My mom's going to the doctor atround 11:30, and my dad watches football all day, so I can't go anywhere and I wanted to go out. I might just play some video games or watch movie or play guitar or something...

I went to get the paper early this morning and I didn't put any shoes or slippers or socks on so I stubbed my toe on the curb and now it's bleeding like crazy.

Other than that it's pretty blahhh today.

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The Symphony Of Blase Nov 19th, 2005 11:37:03 am - Subscribe
Mood | tense

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside

Could the winter calm come twice?
Because your heart seems so cold tonight
Thirst for substance somehow isn't right
It's killing me inside (It's killing you inside)
Killing me inside

I don't wanna be where you are
I don't wanna be here even now
I don't wanna be by your side
If something isn't right
If something isn't right

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
Words have no meaning
When I've seen where you've been

This is our last goodnight
Say what you will
Say all that you can
This is our last goodbye
This is where love ends

Are you so naive to right and wrong
How could you watch innocence forgone
Does what we've done ever really belong?
It wasted me away I feel so wasted away

My brother did drugs again last night. Something called Salvia, it's like LSD. It made him feel like 3 people, he didn't know he was alive, he felt crazy, he felt freezing, he felt rain, he took too much. I hate drugs. He felt like he was gunna die.

But I guess this is what I get. I must've failed in God's eyes, so my family is being broken down and I'm the one to silently feel the pain. I feel so depressed. I have no one to talk to. I hate my family. I hate my life.

I've been trying to be so good and my family is just terrible and this is what God does to me..He tries to get me back. It's my turn to suffer for my families faults.

It's so hard for me to talk to anyone...My parents don't want me to tell anyone except my mentor at church. I told her but its so hard for me to talk about it with her cos I'm not close to her and when she asks about it, it makes me cringe...

God have mercy, I'd just rather be dead.

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meaning in tragedy part 3 Nov 17th, 2005 5:28:16 pm - Subscribe
Mood | weary

ive been drifting a lot latly
like everyday feels like its like speeding sometimes
and how like
when i try to concintrate my mind gets a busy and feels thrown off and i get a headache and i hear screaming or just buzzy noise in my head
and i can just sit for like 2 hours and day dream

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meaning in tragedy part 2 Nov 17th, 2005 5:20:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood | burned

most of you prolly dont understand what i meant but i can't explain it...
its like i have 2/3 of me already my inner and outter but there's something else. a big 1/3 of me thats totally blank and idont know where it is or what it is and its like i wont feel okay till its filled all i ever will feel till i get it filled is numbness or like confusion or waiting
i dont even know what i just want something differenet or new or something ive prolly been waiting for a long time inside spirritually or a person and i dont know who or what

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meaning in tragedy Nov 17th, 2005 5:12:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood | longing

i have traveled so far to find so little meaning in tragedy or tragedy in the search for meaning dark clouds have led me here confined freedom guides us to security what if everything i have been taught is a lie and all my teachers have beenwrong this whole time compelling us to fight the battles they would not they have already won and we have already lost if we do not learn from their mistakes we have already lost of we do not learn to change

What do you do when you are trying to find something but you don't know what you're looking for? And what if you're waiting for somethimg, but you're blinded and don't know what, do you just keep waiting or do you go after it? How do you know it'll ever come, how do you know if it's already there? How do you know when to stop searching? How do you know if it's right? Is it wrong to dwell or dream on what you feel will happen but don't have any evidince of knowing, only day dreams? That's how I feel sometimes. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...Oh well, here are some quotes to explain things or just quotes I like that can fit for me..:

Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.-Meister Eckhart

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.-John Wooden

Life is wasted on the living.-Douglas Adams

Love builds bridges where there are none.-R. H. Delaney

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.-David Grayson

A level of despair is reached, where people are willing to die to punish their tormentors.-William

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sidewinder Nov 16th, 2005 8:32:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood | dancy

sam and nick are racist jackasses
to jeremy this morning their like HEY DO YOU FEEL THRETNED BY HITLER and jeremy sosman is like no....hes dead why would i and then theyr like DO YOU LIKE HITLER HUH I BET YOU DOA and im like FUCK YOU!!!
and then behind me in the hall they were talking to each other and theyr like man i wanna be like hitler...those stupid jews shud just get over what happend tho it was so long ago
i was about to smack them they shud be burned by gas in a big bowl and see how it feels sorry im rambling

anyways tomorow i have a music theatre party then band and stuff....and during ss i get to go to band lessons instead of class ... i have our stupid new band teacher whos like 25...his names mr ray and i hate him goodbye ill tell more after my shower

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wahoo! Nov 13th, 2005 1:02:56 pm - Subscribe
Mood | expectant


Wahooo I hope my dad will letme buy my stuff now..I'm building a "Recording" studio =D

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Leaving Song Nov 9th, 2005 8:44:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood | powerless

Don't waste your touch, you won't feel anything
Or were you sent to save me?
I've thought too much, you won't find anything...
Worthy of redeeming

To... break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what once was breathing
Reach out, and you may take my heart away

Imperfect cry, and scream in ecstasy
So what befalls the flawless?
Look what I've built, it shines so beautifully
Now watch as it destroys me

I don't need anyone. I don't need to tell anyone anything. But what I can't take is this anymore.

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Blame It On Bad Luck Nov 7th, 2005 8:08:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood | bruised

Pound my knuckles hard against the floor. My head against the wall. But I did this to myself. Assume it's just not worth getting back up, but I'll blame it on bad luck. I'll shake responsibility and say a hard life did this to me. I spent some time in a bad place at 18, wishing I could see something through clear eyes. Do you ever wake up to realize your life is meaningless? Does it give you strength or lead you to your grave at a young age? It seems that when I ran away from my past all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back. And now I think it's time that I realize self pity's meaningless. Though I'm 10 feet deep, I'll claw my way back out from in my grave. But now I realize I'd give anything I have to walk a day in those old shoes. Wondering what my first smoke would be like, my first fuck, my next fuck up. Or the next band that would change my life and it changed my life.

I am a very straightedge person. Somewhat vegetarian, hates drugs, hates smoking, hates drinking. All that shit. And now I found out my brother uses paraphernalia. I hate him right now so much I'm disappointed and no longer look up to him. I have no officially lost all closeness to him. I am scarred and just in shock.

And just I don't know I cant beleief it was it my house and all it makes me feel so unclean whenever i breathe i feel like theres dirty drugs and drinking in the air its all i feel. im listening to music so loud with headphones so i cant hear them yell i dont even want to know

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Taste of Ink Nov 7th, 2005 6:29:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood | unfulfilled

Is it worth it can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there to so you can see
As long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
And we'll drink and dance the night away

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

I don't know what's going on. It seems like the world is so destructive. It seems like the world is dark. It seems like me and my brothers closeness is fading. It seems like I have found nothing at all. It seems like school is too easy. It seems like everyones out to ruin my life. It seems like I'll never have a chance with anyone. It seems like I'll never have a chance with Steve. It seems like Beavis and Butthead is never on. It seems like Max is a royal asshole. It seems like I have to give up my job at student council. It seems like I miss the old days. It seems like it all just seems wrong in a way, not in anything perticular, just everything. It seems like I am talking too much, good day.

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Poison In My Veins Nov 2nd, 2005 9:25:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood | challenged

the night skys black and i'm awake lying on the ground.
the grass beneath my feet is hard and cold just like i've come to be.
the stars are gone behind the clouds and i can't see a thing
so i'll just let my eyes stay closed just like me, i can't open up.
cause i'm all wrong and i don't see a chance to fix this head
so just give up. write me off, pretend i don't exist.

there's something in an empty bed that makes it hard to close your eyes.
it can eat at you until they both turn black and blue
and all you want is a reason you should live
or a way for you to die, a way for you to die.

Some chick called me a lesbian, so I go:
I'm sure you are in fact a fag, so don't bother denying it with strong comments like that.
Secondly, I'm sure you can spin better than me, but the question is... what kind of spinning?
The gay kind where you pretend you're playing an instrument when all you're really doing is using a RECORD player?
Or is it the REALLY gay kind that you sit on a big hairy russian cock and spin around like it was a ride at Disneyland?
I think it's the second one. fag.and Does your mother know you're trying to be a wigger? How's your ass? Sore? Russian cocks can be PRETTY painful, from what your mom tells me.
She goes, OMG don't drag my family into this! And I go, Why your mom loves it when I drag HER around? she goes, Dude take that back! And I go, No, I'd rather take your mom's back. Maybe I am gay.. Maybe I'm not, but that's not the issue here. The issues are:
1. I have mob ties.
2. Your mom loves my power rod.

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Clock is Down Nov 2nd, 2005 7:38:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood | Torn

the clock is down
and i am losing one day at a time
well who'd have thought
our hands would stop right here

and maybe i could just forget you
for just a little while
cause everything you said
is coming back in time

well maybe i
should say goodbye

cause i'd like to run away
i'd like to say a few things to you about the way i feel inside
cause i'd like to run away
i'd like to say a few things to you about the way i feel inside

the clock is down
and i am losing
one day at a time
i still remember the first time you were here
and everytime i see your picture
i thank god for your smile
cause everything you said
is keeping me in line

Yet again my band is drummerless. Jesse Price - The Dick Who Used To Play For Us, Isn't. He was a dick and also in 2 bands at once, which he could apparently not handle.

I had a weird dream about Steve last night. It was a good dream. We were like in his house and there were a bunch of people there but we didn't seem to notice, it seemed like it was just me and him hanging out, talking, smiling, laughing, as if we've known each other forever. And some other little things...But does anyone have a idea what it might "interpret" to or something? It was weird. But good weird.

Also a sad thing is Bayside's Drummer John died in a car accident of there's. I feel so bad. Bayside doesnt deserve any of this. I hate it when that shit happens. Those guys were just trying to tour to make a living, and their music no doubt made kids happy. God dammit.

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Time and Confusion Oct 30th, 2005 3:06:19 pm - Subscribe
Mood | zoned

live for today
we'll dream tomorrow
we've got big plans in sight
we'll take this city and by nightfall...
the bright lights are calling

everything is going our way
everything is just as we've planned
this is our future from what we've heard
and i've still got your hand

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone

when memories fade
we've got each other
when time and confusion collide
singin' i hold it all when i hold you
when friends walk other ways
we've got each other
i hold it all when i hold
i hold it all when i hold you

we fell on hard times
this isn't the ideal
we're miles from home
doing the best that we can

i won't do this without you
i won't do this without you
so take heart...
'cause you know that you have mine

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing to do this alone

its not about the money we make
its about the passions that we ache for
what makes your heart beat faster
tell me now what does your body long after

i don't care now where we live
it's not where, or what, or who we were with
i just need you in my life
so promise me again

Today's been pretty chill. This morning was kind of hectic with me and my mom and then going to Church for 4 hours basically because I needed to take sermon notes for confirmation and I had to work at the nursery during the other service. But, around 11:00 it all kinda cooled down and I feel nice and relaxed now. =] I had waffles aboot an hour ago, and ummm that rocked, haha. I've realized I've had the same jeans for 3 or 4 years now and they all have holes in the knee and I need new ones, so I'm excited to go in about a bit to the store..Friday I got the Avenged Sevenfold CD and they are now (currently) one of my favorite band's. Along with Story of the Year, Anberlin, Letter Kills, and Saosin. I finnished my English homework this morning so i have no more, so I can just spend the rest of the day doing whatever. My brother is going to get some counseling. My family isn't pshyco, they just fight sometimes. My brother isn't crazy, he was just really upset. I don't really like telling people I know about this kind of stuff because I'm afraid that (even my friends) would think me and my famil are too disfunctional or crazy and not wanna hang out with me anymore, or be afraid of coming over or something, which they really shouldn't be. So, tommorow's Halloween, and I know I'm too old to go Trick-OR-Treating, but I will anyways. As a joke me and some friends are dressing up as Green Day, I'm Bilie Joe Armstrong. I like Halloween because I can be something I'm not for a while, and it's kinda fun >.> ...And there's free candy!! Oh, and a good excuse to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and Halloween 1,2,3,4, and 5 (is there a 6?) all day long. I'm happy I don't take guitar lessons anymore. Mac (my teacher), always was just showing off or being a bitch, and in his eyes were dollar signs, he didn't care about teaching me something in 30 minutes once a week, he cared about money-money-money. So, I quit lessons and started teaching myself because he wasn't teaching me what I wanted to learn. And now, one year later, I have improoved greatly, just by playing solo teaching myself and by being in a band with my fellow friend Rick. On Friday, I ordered my grey-hat off of and it's awesome. I don't wanna spend a lot of money so I ordered it to be delivered by UPS withing 3 to 5 day's. And sense UPS doesn't ship till Monday, I'll prolly get it Friday? Because, I don't know where it's coming from. Anyone know any good online stores? Because, I'm finding that stores around here are getting boring and so for the first time I bought something on the internet, and I like it. Anyways, Tata.

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I\'m A Fake Oct 29th, 2005 8:13:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood | shaken

Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I am not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a fucking knife!

Look at me.
You can tell,
By the way I move into my head
Do you think that it's me,
Or it's not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, I don't smell.
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Do I drink?
Do I date?
I've got perfect placements.
All my ink
Satisfied, in your eyes.
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now.
I made sure I looked how I wanted to look.
The people around me,
The people surround me.

Right now I feel very hurt and embaressed. While I was gone at a friends house tonight, 3 cops, with backup came to my house because my dad called the cops on my brother because he was almost going to hit my mom. He broke a lot of stuff. He threw our chair and broke out automen. If this ever happends again I will run away. It doesn't help that I was feeling a little suicidal Tuesday cos my parent's were fighting. =[ Well I'm not the one to complain, I'm sure other people have problems.
On the brightside Steve ran over when I was at Rick's and he said Hi and waved. It was nice. Also, me and rick pretended to be Iraq and the US bombing each other with dirt-rocks. We made masks too. I was Dick Cheney she was George Bush and we went around the neighborhood waving to people and Scootering, and skipping.

Good Day Sweet Ones....

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Seize The Day Oct 28th, 2005 6:52:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood | agitated

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I feel like a few people close to me are trying to be something they are not. One in my family, one of my friends. I don't mean to be trying to "define" what they are and aren't. They're just trying to be something. Act, Dress, Look, Feel, and Be a certain way. It's really annoying, and bugging me too. Why can't people be themself?


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Embers and Envelopes Oct 24th, 2005 8:19:17 pm - Subscribe
Mood | detached

We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly.
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one
whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

If all is said and done and over,
if we don't have to, we're not gonna.
Make the change, it's worth the try.
What's broken can be fixed tonight.

Here are some letters to get some things out:

Dear World,
Why do you suck so much?
No Regrets,

Dear Mint Tea,
Why are you so good?
Love you lots,

Dear Pencil,
How come I cannot find you?
Miss you,

Dear Friday,
When will you be here?

Dear Story of the Year CD,
Why do you rock so much?
Wants to Secks yo momma,

Anyways, I figured out today that, not only do I kinda like this guy Steve, but I am also delusional and have a hard time breathing and not-thinking-about-him...ever.

And this is strange for me, I rarely like people, and when I do it stays, for like, a year or two atleast.

And I cannot dream of anything but that person, and my breathing is short and heavy, and everytime I try to fix my mind on something else, I cannot.

I cannot use the word love. Love for me is something that happend's once. And that once is yet to come.

I avoid liking peple for fear of rejection or being broken or alone. When they come tearing me down like David did, my world crashes. I have no motive for anything. All I ever feel is a blurred numbness, and the subtle compfort of my bed, blanket, and pilow.

Rejection, aloneness, it's not foreign to me, that's why I don't usually go welcoming or walking into relationships, I just don't.

For me it's second nature to turn them away when they get close to me.

But when on rare ocasion I do like someone, my hands get cold and stiff, and my chest stops beating. I get cramps in my back, and for a week I feel like I have PMS. Then all I ever do is not-focus, I daydream, of strange and unlikely posibilitys. (Is that an oxymoron? Oh well, either way , I'm a moron, and a moron I shall be, a moron is me)...

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Seven Years Oct 24th, 2005 6:44:56 am - Subscribe
Mood | wishful

Taking on seven years
The holy ghost had left alone
Test my arms, kick like crazy
And Ive been trying way to long
Only if he could push his way off to fight you
Im sorry, Im sorry, Im not sure
Getting off my chest
The story ends
I would find a way without you
That mistake was gold
I know that without you
Its something that I could never do
That was why staple the eyes and
Seven dates for me to sell machines
and tear on
Seven years you assured me
That Id be fine if I complied
Only push the way off to fight you
Im sorry Im sorry Im not sure
Getting my chest
The story now ends
I would find a way without you
Dont treat me Im to blame
Dont treat me like I ever accused you

Do you ever feel like, there is a hobo on the street, and he's blind, drunk, and stupid? And he tells you he is God. Then you start throwing flaming dog shit at him. And then he goes and does something Godly?
Or do you feel like when those people made fun of Jesus because he had a multicolored pancho? And then Jesus goes and raises someone from the dead. And he is still humble.

Like, feeling completly PWND. Which doesn't happen to me like, ever, I'm usually the one pwning people. And I don't know if I should admire this guy more for his non-cockyness, his pwning skills, or what hes good at. Cos I totally judged him before, and when I got to know him he's a pretty chill guy..So I felt like an ass for whatever. And now I kinda LIKE him, which suxors.


Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, meeee, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, Laura. He's about 2-3 year's older than me, and I prolly have no chance anyways. LE BLEH.

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a silent murder Oct 14th, 2005 10:50:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood | useless

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song
It’s a quite failure
It’s the one that makes you strong

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold

Watch the fire burn out
Watch the curtains slowly close
Waiting on the final words your heart already knows

We are heading down a long empty road
We pass lost souls blinded by the cold
By the cold

It’s a silent murder
It’s a grave that sings your song

i feel very useless. latly hasnt been good so i dont mean to seem like a bitch but i feel like one.

these ghetto girls have been beating me up at school. hitting me even its not verbal, infact theyve never said one word to me, they just hit me and i dont even know them. in my opinion theyre big ass pirates but whatever.

tonight i went to the football game and sadly wound up seeing this guy, david. so heres the story i used to like him we used to be good friends hanging out almost everyday then he met my best bud katie and stopped talking to me kinda and stopped caring about how i felt. it was like everything he ever respected or cared about me for was completly gone. cut me loose. he stopped talking to me, he stopped responding to me, looking at me, or even acting like i existed he never even asked to hangout again. but of course katie didnt want to feel like she was stealing him from me so everyday when he asked her to hangout shed invite me along also, i dont know why i agreed, but i did. i went a long, got ignored and watch them flirt. i felt sicker and sicker and sicker by the moment until he just completly forgot about me. i hadnt seen him in 4 to 5 months, so i was kind of scared. he didnt even say hi to me i guess hes that same old ass monkey david. i wanted to vomit on him ive felt so used, and for what? what did i have to offer? absolutly nothing so i dont see why he would use me. unless it was to get to katie. but i havent thought of this theorie in forever. but when he started talking to one of his friends thats also mine thats a girl he flirts in front of me and like looks at me while he does it. is he TRYING to piss me off? he has done so many other things i dont even want to get into. but i could not beleive i was standing there watching that and he just UGH FUCK HIM FUCKK. i dont like him at all in fact i despise him the most but why can i not stop thinking about this and help feel a little jealous. i guess i just miss the feeling of someone actually caring about me and listening to all my family problems and i had all that just taken away right when i needed it most i felt like i was going off the deep end. he couldve stayed a little longer.../sigh well i cant ramble forever..

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god called in sick today Oct 13th, 2005 5:53:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood | gelatinous

Let's admire the pattern forming
Murderous filigree
I'm caught in the twisting of the vine
Go ascend with ivy, climbing
Ignore and leave for me
The headstone crumbling behind

I can't help my laughter as she cries
My soul brings tears to angelic eyes

Let's amend the classic story
Close it so beautifully
I'll let animosity unwind
Steal away the darkened pages
Hidden so shamefully
I'll still feel the violence of the lies

FUCK i am so pissed off.
so here's the dealio - - birthday is next week. im throwing a birthday party, its the first party ive had prolly in 3 years. my 3 best friends cant even come. how bullshit is that. a real party huh?

i havent really been looking forward to my birthday. i really dont care that im getting a nice amp and cds and whatnot but the birthday part wont be fun. i havent had a real birthday party in a while. it just doesnt seem that fun anymore.

schools been easy this year and all but i havent really done anything. i dont know how to explain that but it seems like im stuck working at school everyday all the time and its a repeat everyday. get up, get changed into the same clothes, eat the same breakfast, go to school, do the same work, come home, eat the same dinner, complain about the same things, and then go to bed. it sucks. i dont do anything on the weekends either its just sitting around in a box and i feel like i can and will never get out. its like the same old thing and i feel the same everyday

here used to be my happines level:
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |

And now its like:

| |
| |

im not really sad i just dont feel right i dont feel the way i want to. i feel like just nothing exciting is happining. no new sports or friends or dates or music or going anywhere no new clothes no getting out of the house no new meals same old bedroom same old tv shows same fucking everything there has to be more but i cant fucking reach it

id give my left kidney to feel different than i do right now i want a taste of excitement i want something new and lively i want change i NEED change but i hope i find a good one before i do something against morals or how i feel

help anyone?
because i think god called in sick today

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broken wings Oct 12th, 2005 10:11:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood | paranoid

In a perfect world, I'd never know your name,
And do we even know it when we die?
Or will death just pass us by?
Will death just pass us by?
Please just pass us by.

Broken wings
Have a home tonight.
No one is listening, no one is listening.
When darkness fell on the streets last night,
We never expected, we never expected this.

When all this pain is justified,
While all the time is passing by.
Now is when we clench our fists
Knowing we can fight through this.
The hours and days are gone.
The weeks and months are moving on.
Can't they see that's nothing gonna stop us now?

ME: [drawing skeletons and skulls on the back of my papers at religion class]

im bored and i gotta go but i thought id update ill be on tomorow

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taste the poison Oct 9th, 2005 5:57:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood | obsessed

place your needle to the record, stab it down
it feels good to be the one to break the skin
so run with me now, look at me now
you're face down, tell yourself you're happy once again
right now you need this more than anything
but it's never enough, it's never enough for you

ME: Mom, can I do wrestling?
MOM: Nahhhh, I'd rather you take that self-defense class @ the YMCA for womenn because girl's your age are raped all the time...

RICK: I know someone who memorized the numa numa song lyric by lyric and
I called them a geek but I envied them on the inside.

PAT: Mom, Dad, I'm going to a college party to listen to bands.
PAT: FUCK YOU! [slams fist in wall]

ME: [pant pant run run] I hate the fun run. >.<

SPANISH VIDEO: [bull's chasing people raming them into walls]
ME: Man, if I was that bull I'd so be like "Stop running now and I'll make it a quick death and spare your family."

MOM: What do you want for your birthday? What do you wanna do? It's in 11 days!
ME: Don't know. Donno. Donno.

ME: Mom, Pat never does anything around here and he's a smartass and I do everything and never get payed and then when I ask "Why does Pat not help but I have to a ton?" you say it's because he has a job, well he get's payed and has bad grades. FUCK! He always get's what he wants.
MOM: [hands me a $20]
ME: [shuts up]

Not sure what else to write.

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