Date: Jun 13th, 2006 7:07:22 am - Subscribe
Its the 14th, and that means that its just ten days till Logan comes back from America. Got a call from him last Monday at 230 in the morning, while I was reading a particularly creepy ghost story.
I was reluctant to pick it up at first, who knows what ghosts can do nowadays. In the movies they can get through handphones and subscribe to the internet.
Glad that I took my chances though. Or maybe not. Now I miss him more, its like trying to keep away from chocolate cake, now that Ive had a bite I want more damn it!
Im getting homesick, its been a year since Ive been back. I dont get homesick very often, my family isnt the lovey dovey type. I miss my little sisters especially, I think all of us treat them like they're still toddlers and I guess this annoys them sometimes.
When my little sister scored in her exams I got her a teddy bear, and looking back it seems like the last thing a pre-teen girl would want, just when shes trying to get into the whole teeny bopper phase her idiot sister gives her another stuffed animal to hide from her friends.
Im afraid for them, I dont want them to grow up. I want them to stay small enough for me to put on my lap, and its easier to keep them safe from the evil that is abundant in this world.
Reading "the world according to Garp" I identify with his paranoia, the scary prickly feeling that you get when you imagine the worst that can happen to them.
I think that after the divorce all of the older ones assumed semi-parental roles, my mom was MIA all the time and my father was just never there.
I am afraid of having my own children, the world hasnt been all that nice to me, I dont think I want my children to experience life the way I have.
Sometimes this attitude transcends to how I care about people I love, Logan gets frustrated because I always assume the worst when I cant reach him.
Paranoid and neurotic, why am I not on drugs yet?
Living the healthy life
Date: Jun 10th, 2006 5:20:48 am - Subscribe
You should smoke less and eat more. Its funny how doctors can just put whats wrong with you in once sentence.
It seems so simple to live "the healthy way", you just have to exercise twice a week and eat three meals a day.
I promise myself each year that Im going to be part of that, the smiling people in pink jogging suits, looking radiant and happy because everything is going right for them.
Theres a big red sign on their foreheads 'LOOK! WE'RE BETTER THAN YOU! DONT YOU WANT TO BE LIKE US?"
But its just so much more easier to say "fuck that" and slip back under the covers.
I found a song today that featured my name, and it just made me so happy. I've always thought that my name is just about as unromantic as a name can be. "Irma" is the sort of name that inspires visions of a big old Hungarian nurse, or an ageing barmaid. Or mousy librarian. Not sexy.
So thank you Tommy Cash, for using this name for a love song. I love you, you made my day. Everyone should have their names made into love songs, its like getting to wear a crown on your head for a day, without people staring at you and thinking youre nuts.
Heres the song:
I'd love to shout my feelings from a mountain high
To tell the world I love her and I will till I die
But we're livin' in a world that don't know love is colorblind
And that's why Irma Jackson can't be mine
I remember no one cared about us being friends
We were only children and it really didn't matter then
But we grew up too quickly in a world that draws a line
That tells me Irma Jackson can't be mine
If lovin' Irma Jackson is a sin then I don't understand this crazy world we're livin' in
There's a mighty wall between us standing high but I'll love Irma Jackson till I die
[ dobro ]
She tells me she's decided that she'll go away
I guess it's right that she alone should have the final say
But in spite of her decision forcin' us to say goodbye
I'll still love Irma Jackson till I die
Yes lovin' Irma Jackson is a sin...
I'll love Irma Jackson till I die
The burn journals
Date: Jun 10th, 2006 4:25:21 am - Subscribe
I told her "Well, I nearly killed myself". And she said, "Oh you poor thing"... and some other stuff that I didnt quite listen to because I was just thinking about how peoples reaction differ when I tell people stuff like this.
Theres the "Thats just stupid" reaction. Then "Why dont you get help". "What the hell were you thinking." And the weird inquiring ones. "So how were you going to do it?"
I love life at times. Theres the people who love me, theres the contentment in eating cheese cake and laughing at jokes, and I look at the future and my potential and it just seems exciting and I cant wait to be there.
So why do it? I read "the burn journals" yesterday and it was just such an accurate description of what its like. There isnt some obvious reason, and everything that has happened just before is simply the tipping point. Its something, and its everything.
I remember someone telling me that God does not give you more suffering that you can endure. Sometimes, maybe, for some people this ability is miscalculated. It is beyond endurance, and you just cant take it anymore.
I envy people who say that it is something that they have never even contemplated before. They seem so secure with themselves, it seems so stupid an idea, such an irrational way to deal with problems.
I feel like trading bodies with them, because the shell I am in seems so grey and sad in comparison.
Date: Jun 9th, 2006 6:50:50 am - Subscribe
Standing in line at the bank today, I came upon the revelation that I may be just a few steps away from turning into an axe murderer. Everytime I fill in the pink slip and get my number, that tells me that at least 20 people are going before me I get a mild aneurysm.
I hate everyone in front of me; they are a gang, conspiring to make my wait just even more longer. They get the wrong forms, they take their sweet time to sign dotted lines, they chat with the teller. And the person right before will always, always, have the most complicated, time-consuming transaction that can be had in the banking universe.
I smile, I look normal, but inside I am burning with rage and hate.
And then the bell rings, and its my turn and the world is beautiful again.
so true I just had to post this
Date: Jun 4th, 2006 9:26:52 pm - Subscribe
THE FEMALE DICTIONARY
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut
you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's
an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the
feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five
Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
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