me and ching wan ho at some restaurant.. one of my most favorite pictures of all time
First day of the fasting month... people are walking around sluggishly, the streets here in Little Saudi Arabia are deserted.. sort of like a ghost town in an old cowboy movie..
The lethargic atmosphere just doesnt suit the craziness that is my life right now. Finals to survive, papers to mark, a tournament to run, a textbook to write...
And as a Master Procrastinator of course these tasks are mutating into Red Alert Deadlines.. and whenever I look at these tasks I feel an impending heart attack at the thought of the sort of trouble I am going to get in...
Breathe in.. breathe out... Breathe in.. breathe out
Of course theres still a lot to smile about. I might be murdered by an elite ninja squad one of these days because of my tardiness... (the people I work for can get pretty serious about work discipline)
But theres the fact that Im graduating next semester..
My most favorite most beloved sister has moved to KL..
Im going to Ireland in December...
And happiness and love is only a phone call away.. love is making me see my life through rose-colored glasses.. I might fall in a thicket full of thorns and die one day.. but at least I will die smiling.
My head feels like you could take it apart with a fork.
Spent the weekend in Perak, tanjung malim.
I hate Perak, tanjung malim.
Had to go there to earn dosh by training debaters. Endured a painful ride back to KL because the seat was as hard as meteor rocks and the not-quite-thin girl next to me occupied half of my seat.
Watched the funniest movie with the boyfriend last friday. "Team America". Highly recommended. Now the theme song is stuck in my head.
"team america! fuck yeah!"
I have at least 2 pending assignments and all I see myself doing in the next few hours is sleeping. Wish I could pay someone to do these things for me. I remember some historian lady telling me that Tengku Abd Rahman had Tun Abd Razak do all his course-work for him. I need my own Tun Abd Razak.
Planning a nice holiday for myself to look forward to, alleviates the pain of marathon studying to a certain extent. A nice beach, lots of books and lazing around under shady trees, the feel of soft sand under my feet...
wheres Tun Abd Razak when you need him..
Found out that Suhaibs village was totally destroyed in the earthquake (Kashmir). Sort of puts things in perspective. Tragedies always do.
His family wasnt effected... but there are friends, neighbors, acquaintances.. people he sees everyday.. the grocer... that little girl who always plays jump rope at the street corner.. nameless people who make up an essential part of your life..
My stomach is churning.. didnt wake up for sahur (the super-early breakfast for people fasting) and the time for breaking fast seems ages away.
Went to the ramadhan market with Logan yesterday. walked along the noisy noisy lane.. merchants yelling.. prices and the name of food intermingling with all sorts of smells..
and felt so much peace.
Its hard sometimes.. there is so much paranoia.. the re-analyzing of past "incidents".. trust is fragile in some moments..
But in moments like this I just feel like I know that its workable. Manageable. Not perfect. Not easy. But just.. worth working for.
And all this while a man is waving a chicken leg in my face.
Love can survive and exist in the strangest places.
I want love, but it’s impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I can’t love, shot full of holes
Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don’t feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won’t break me down
Won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing
That’s the love I want, I want love
I want love on my own terms
After everything I’ve ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I’ve seen so much traffic
So bring it on, I’ve been bruised
Don’t give me love that’s clean and smooth
I’m ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I’ve had enough
(i want love-elton john)
I just had the most heavenly nap today.. funny enough it was while rushing to catch a train to iiu..
* ** *
Watched the West Wing with Logan last Tuesday.. (I am so crazy about that show. Such a freak.) and there was a scene where Toby finds out that his brother (who is an astronaut) is stuck in space because of some problem and Toby feels like a pile of dung because he forgot that his brother was up there.
There were also scenes that implied that he wasnt talking to his brother anymore.
Was attacked by a wave of guilt..
I currently have two siblings who I am on non-speaking terms with.
It would be easy if life was a show on tv.. fractured relationships are pieced back together amidst hugs and touching background music.
Its easy for people to tell me to pick up the phone and call them.. but they cannot fathom the amount of pain that I feel even when I hear their names. There is a Malay proverb that says "air dicincang tidak akan putus".. or "water slashed will not be torn apart".. a metaphor of relationships between siblings.
It is supposed to be unbreakable. I have disproved that theory. My question is can you put the pieces back together?
* ** *
There is this Dove campaign going on right now.. which is real cool. Its about celebrating real beauty, beauty that isnt starved, airbrushed or impossible.
I think its time we boycotted labels that perpetuate this craziness. Its simply sick. Normal looking people are supposed to feel ugly for.. well.. looking normal, while people who look like they have never ever eaten cake in their lives.. are supposed to represent the beauty of humanity.
One day its going to be just impossible to satisfy the "standard of beauty". You will have to be morbidly obese.. with tiny tweety bird ankles.. and a wandering eye.
Lets kill those damned fashion "people" before this happens. Or make them commit suicide by slipping weight gaining powder in their 2% milk lattes.
Or I'll just get a rolled up fashion magazine and whack those skinny bastards to death.