|
sleepactiv
I believe in Yoga - Subscribe
|
|
My hero is Esther, a character potrayed in Coelho's book, "the Zahir". Other than the fact that she is a strong small woman (inspiring us small ones all over the world) she represents something that I have always believed in. That love should be fought for. And that you should never be apologetic about it. I hate fatalistic, go with the flow, wait for the right time people. Its not about forcing something down someones throat either. Its when you know that there is something there, that just needs more of you, a little bit more of your blood.. your time.. your patience... Because love will never be like love in the movies. It isnt always pretty where it ends with the love stricken couple just making it in time at the airport and the scene closes with a public kiss and an accepted proposal. Love in real life is messy, not so candy-apple sweet.. and it doesnt just fall in place. Its like a living jigsaw puzzle, that you have to constantly work on and sometimes the pieces just get lost and you have to get on your hands and knees to try to find it. ................................................................ Ive started doing yoga again and after a long time of not doing it my body isnt as flexible as before. Poses that used to come naturally to me now have to be done with much delicacy and bearing of pain. As always it makes me more calmer. But I have been better these last few days. Other than the fact that I have gotten past the PMS phase, Ive started writing in my journal again and its helped me figure myself out. Leaving thoughts locked in my head just helps me get more confused, what with my numerous personalities and unfailing ability to disagree with myself every five minutes. ................................................................. I am going out with my little brother again this friday. He needs to get new shirts and I just like shopping in general. Was reading Doystoyvskeys Crime And Punishment again and what struck me the most was the family bond between the three, mother daughter and son. Looking at my family is like looking at seperate islands. We might send up smoke signals in times of desperate need, but there really isnt any gooey gummy happy close relationship that everyone I know seems to have. But some of the islands are set just a little more close together. |
|
sleepactiv
Playing truant Feb 13th, 2006 5:02:51 am - Subscribe
|
|
I am here in front of my pc wondering why it hurts to sit on this chair since it has been pretty good to me this past semester. I watched Fun with Dick and Jane with an old law mate last saturday. I thought the movie was pretty cute and funny, and there were some parts that were a total blast.. Jim Carreys signature antics.. but my mates commentaries dampened my moods.. he is honestly as dry as burnt grass.. I have made a note to myself to never ever go out with him if I am interested in having even a remote bit of fun. Went for the weekend debate league, messed up the first round and our team came second, with horrendous speaker scores, but bounced back into form in the second round, got first place and the highest speak scores there. We named our team "the black adder".. after 3 seconds of deliberation because we are the type to take these kind of things seriously. I honestly dont know why Im still debating, have a feeling I should quit and taste more of the world, but it feels good and Ive never been good at leaving anyway. Im skipping ethics class today, because its a total waste of time.. and Ive got quite a bit of work to do. I took on a job translating tv scripts and it is a pain. The only consolation is I get to laugh at my own translations because my malay is bad, and some words are just hilarious when changed from english to malay. And there is no phrase in malay that means "intense fleeting passion". I checked. There just isnt. I have to finish translating this damn script since its due today, (cool thing is I know firsthand before any other malaysian that the series of "the flash" will be showing very soon) and I havent printed out my plans for the assignments Im giving to the kids this semester. The second task should not take that long, since I just have to concoct something out of nothing, make it sound important and tell my students to write it in 250 words or more. But with my excellent daydreaming abilities it usually takes three times as long. And the ethics class really is such a waste of time. Really I dont know what goes through this lecturers head since the study plan and teaching method is designed to waste my life. He has a pre-prepared lecture script and he makes every student take turns reading it out to everyone. They did the same thing to us in preschool. Sometimes I just cant believe who they give degrees to. Its insane how a person can be super book smart and also be a total imbecile all at the same time. I hate this weekend, because I have to judge at this guaranteed-to-be-bad tournament for newbies when Id rather be out having fun. Sigh. |
|
sleepactiv
Valentine Schmalentine. Feb 14th, 2006 2:37:43 am - Subscribe
|
|
I think that a day about celebrating love is a good thing. Its too hot to go back to my room now, but in a couple of minutes I will be making my way back to change and get ready to see "baybeee".. well, according to len, a cute little pinoy friend I have, thats how it sounds when it pops up from my mouth. Baybeeee... Went to class today even when I overslept. Brave thing to do on my part since the professor goes through a sort of incredible hulk-like transformation when someone turns up late. But today I got lucky. He was just quiet when I muttered my salams, navigated my way through the seats. I think I looked pretty petrified, sort of like a cross between a cornered deer and someone about to be electrocuted. So I guess I tugged at his heart strings. Or was just pathetic enough. Am trying to be consistent in my yoga-ing. Its pretty hard since Im never consistent in anything I do. I wish there was a pill you could take for that. The song "you raise me up" is playing now. I totally dig this song. Except this is the Westlife version. I like the Josh Groban version. Westlife is so pathetic. You just cant build your whole career on cover versions. Unless you just want to be a very successful karaoke star. And I dont think there is anything wrong in wanting to be a karaoke star. Really. I want to get a pet this year. What Id really like is a pet kinkajou. Its sort of like a monkey, but cuter and smaller and just more vicious. I could just cut the leash everytime I see someone I hate, or sub-hate, which means hate but pretend to like. Grin. Oh that would be so fun. "Oh.. Im so sorry "so-and so".. but the leash just broke.. here, I found a piece of your nose.. and theres your ass..." But I guess in the end the practical side of me will prevail and I will just NOT GET A PET BECAUSE I CANNOT BE RELIED UPON TO NOURISH AND NURTURE ANOTHER LIFE. Sigh. ................................................................. Happy Valentines Day everybody. I wish I could tongue kiss every one of you, ah.. but the limits of cyber space hold us back so.. tsk tsk tsk. Grin. |
|
sleepactiv
damaged Feb 23rd, 2006 11:28:59 am - Subscribe
|
|
Sometimes I wonder why I blog when I dont really tell everything anyway. I tell myself its a mark of existence, its something to look back to, its something people, preferably friends, can refer to when they need to know whats my deal and how life has been going on for me. But it doesnt work really well when I just imply, and write in code language that I hope someone understands. Sometimes I think blogging is a cowardly way to say what we really want to say to certain people. It takes away the guilt, the feeling that you are responsible because you didnt try to reach out. Its like leaving a letter somewhere generally obvious and not that hard to find for that someone because you cant find it in you to say it. You dont really care about the other people who read it, somewhere between the paragraphs is a little message that has been dying to get out , and you just hope that that someone reads it and gets it. Gets that message, goes up to you, and gets angry or apologizes or just simply says I read it and I fucking get it. To hear them say Im sorry I hurt you so many times, i didnt know it hurt that much, actually i did, and I did it anyway, but Im sorry... I hate you for lying, but i get your reason.. but it just put me through so much shit I dont think I can forgive you, but Im going to try to... I love you, and Im sorry, and I was stupid, and I dont know why I do these things.. Im going to change.. things are going to change.. I promise I promise, things are going to be just like they were when I wrote you that poem.. that I wished you were here...do you remember.. Millions of blogs lying around the cyber universe just waiting for that moment. ............................................................... |
|
sleepactiv
i dont remember Feb 23rd, 2006 12:10:40 pm - Subscribe
|
|
I have a habit of running away when Im faced with problems... just coming back to deal with them when they have turned into big ugly monsters who inflict more pain than they originally would have had I just got my act together and dealt with it sooner. There is a character in one of Stephen Kings shorts.. who cant deal with life without pressure. There is life at the bottom of the ocean.. millions of seacreatures that exist in an environment that would crush a grown man flat. But if they swam to the top towards the sunlight they would burst into a thousand pieces. Because they live on the pressure and thrive on it. And this man lives like them, feeding off the intensity and can only exist with it. He cracks when life finally runs smoothly for him. Maybe I am that man, maybe I love the drama and the anguish and the intense suffering that comes with waiting for the BIG OUTCOME. ................................................................. I spent most of the day playing hooky from class and finally ended up with my sister, shopping and talking mostly about "back then".. back when our family was in one whole piece as a functioning unit. (functioning is a strong word to use in describing it) Most of our discussions on this topic are usually filled with laughs, things that used to make me cry seem so faraway now,its like talking about a sitcom of a dysfunctional family that used to exist. Back then every family outing used to end on a sour note, but as a child I was so used to all the fighting that it was like background music to my ears, I dont even remember what their fights were about. When I try, I just see myself staring out the window of the car, making up stories about the people I saw on the street, running my fingers up and down the upholstery.. absorbed in the dotted designs .. singing songs to myself. I didnt see the cracks that were starting to get worse, I felt like this was ordinary and felt sorry for the broken families on television.. sometimes even wishing for something exciting to happen in my life because we were so ordinary... and just like everyone else. Adelia reminded me of the time she kept on making me talk to my mom.. she kept on sending me from the room " go and see if mama is there.. go and talk to her.." I was bored and irritable and came back each time complaining that I just wanted to go back to bed. My mom had had her suitcase out, and try as I might I cant remember sadness from that situation. She had threatened to leave us and all I remember feeling is wanting my bed and my moms big vanity case that was filled with goodies that a five-year-old is not allowed to touch. I dont remember feeling anything... through all the arguing, fighting and yelling. And the final slam of the door when they finally realized that all the children were quiet because they were listening in. Maybe I was stubborn... I realize now that I truly liked the feeling of being normal and like everyone else. Yes, there were fights.. but that will be over soon and there will always be that picnic on sunday and everything will be okay. And nothing could contradict that vision, not the occasional beating from his hands, not her crying and lack of interest in me as her child... until it really happened and everything just fell apart. For real. And even then I didnt feel anything. Maybe because it was just something I knew all along. |