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sleepactiv Indescribable grief that is completely useless. - Subscribe
I hate being mortal.

My grandmother passed away. And what Ive learnt about the death of a loved one is that the pain of it will never go away. It will never be okay.

The raging sadness, the tears, the shaking and the anger at God and myself may stop, but there is a dead dull feeling inside me that cant be consoled with the idea that she has gone to a better place, or that it is natural and is a cycle of life that simply cannot be averted...

Inside there is place that is dull and cold. Like a part of me died along with her, clutching her to me, in her grave, while she is cold and lifeless.

A morbid picture, but I cant find another way to describe it.

I dont know if this is what youre supposed to feel.. if this is what its supposed to be like. But I see so many people around me who have gone through this, and on the surface of it, they seem to go on, bruised, but ready for life.

Somehow it is like I am just strange and weak, because I dont think that everyone goes around with dead pieces in their hearts.

How will it be when one by one, the people around me succumb to the "natural order of life"? It scares me to think of the moment when I have had enough of it, when I do not have any more of myself..

Religion tells you to take heart and be happy.. that you will see them in another life which is eternal .. that the separation is but for awhile.

But as you wait for the years and days and seconds to go by... this promise tastes sour, bitter and empty. But its the one thing I hold on to.. because it is the only thing I have.
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sleepactiv StarFish Tasting Cereal Nov 10th, 2005 6:57:49 pm - Subscribe



I hate friendster.

It used to be an easy way to hook up with long lost friends.. to see how theyre doing and for them to see how youre doing. Simple, straightforward concept.

Now theres so much shit.. or should i say "hot new features".. on the damn website it takes ages to just log on.

I DO NOT NEED to be entertained by a music video everytime I want to view someones profile. I dont want shout outs .. or to know whose viewed my profile.. Its unnecessary and downright annoying.

If friendster wants to try to include every feature they can possibly fit in, then it should be something useful. Like popups that educate you about the environment. Or porn.


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So the AL-Qaeda strikes again.

The great thing that came out of the whole thing was the protest by the Jordanians. FINALLY a big public declaration by Muslims that terrorists are shitheads and should go to hell.

And they said that literally. I meant the burn in hell part. The shithead thing was me being classy.

Everytime theres an act of terrorism discrimination against Muslims all over the world just goes up a notch. That means that when I go through immigration at any "white" country, I have to brace myself. There is a wall that I have to face when I talk to white people. There is just something in the air.. "oh no.. heres another crazy Muslim".

Dude.. I dont think that terrorism is right.. for many obvious reasons.. and because my brain is not a totally useless lump of grey matter.

And just to demonstrate my meagre knowledge of my own religion, the Quran (Islams holy book and main source for guidance) does not allow it. There are rules of engagement in war.

No women, children or old people should be killed. Or people not involved in the war. So that means that the indiscriminate killing that happens when an idiot blows up a building is actually not in line with Islamic teachings.

And it really hurts that I have to keep on expressing condemnation. Not because I think its wrong for me to do so or that I might offend anyone.. but because it should be a given that everyone condemns it... that any decent person would.

And Id like to think that a majority of us Muslims are decent people.


my kind of people.. Jordanians protesting

(Just so you know, 33 Jordanians died in the attack, all Muslims. Only one "target of terrorists" died.. one American. Just as significant.. but it goes to show that Muslims suffer too.. as victims... and yet are still treated as badly as the perpetrators.)


* ** *


I forgot my exe's birthday.. which was on the fourth of november. Id just like to say publicly.. that it was extremely bad of me to do that since he has never forgotten mine, when we were together and now that we are not.

And may I just say that the Karma King must be rubbing his hands in glee right now. With the amount of undeservedly wonderful friends I have in my life, and all the good turns I have had from them.. and all the shit that they have gotten from me... it is just a matter of time before a hippo just falls out of nowhere and breaks my skull in several places.. never to be put together again.

More bla bla later.



...inevitability
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