sopphia's Blog

525,600 minutes
Date: Apr 14th, 2009 9:01:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: tormented


It has come to a standstill, yet again. On a plateau, my gradient of life is approaching zero. Why do I feel so unfulfilled, why do I feel so alone?

In 525,600minutes,. What have I done with my life? Is it ok to say “I”? Must my thoughts always be filled with “we’s” or “you’s”? If that is so, when, when, when can I use I?

“Pray for Dad, Sopphia, just pray for Dad”

Everything within me, every fibre, every bone, like a waveguide of a Fabry-Perot cavity, wanted to throw the cursed device in my hands, the cursed device that brought the cursed news. Tears pierced my vision, it pierced my being.

“Stay strong Sopphia, for me, for mum.”

What the hell do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you I’m alright? That everything is going to be ok?

“God will heal your Dad, believe Sopphia, where is your faith?”

Don’t preach to me about God, if you don’t know what pain my Dad is going through. Don’t preach to me about God, if you don’t know what it’s like to see someone you love in pain.

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I have never felt so lost in my whole life, lost, in which I cried, for not knowing my priorities; tear, because I can’t be at home, and at university, at the same time; cursed, because I do not know, I do not know what to do.

I shouldn’t let my friends know. Why should I? Will their sympathy help? Will their understanding relief this burden?

I shouldn’t pretend. I shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Even if I should, I can’t.

I should understand I’m not the only one going through this. I should understand others may be in more terrible situations, I should understand, that people don’t want to hang out with people who are sad.

So I smile. I smile, and try to pretend nothing happen. But like concentrated acid, burning the skin of a living man, is this curse scorching the walls of my innermost being.

I want to be home, I want to go home. If only I were more selfish, I would see my parents more. If only I weren’t so easily swayed by people, I would treasure those who really cared. If only I could differentiate fakers from true friends, I would have treasured,. 525600 moments.

God, will you still hear my prayers,.?

Comments: (2)

Everpresent Help
Date: May 10th, 2008 1:31:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: grateful


"Mum,. could I talk to you? R u free?"

"Yea sure, I'll call u back k?"

"Um, It's ok, I hv 118minutes on my IDD"

"Nono it's ok, I'll call u back."

And I put down the phone, reluctantly.

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It was a cool evening and I thought I could get some studying done. The exams were just a few days away and I was in the midst of preparing for the finals when I got a disturbing message,.. It was from my Electromagnetics Professor, and he asked me for my gmail address. Thinking that it had something to do with my internship, I keyed in my email address and sent it to him. Just 1 minute l8r he called and said,

"Sopphia, is this your only gmail address? Do you have any other email address?" In quite a stern voice he said.

"Um, yes sir, I have another one but I seldom use that, it is full of forwards and junkmail, do u need that add too?"

"Do u hv a gmail add that is ........"

I frowned in confusion, and replied that that address didn't belong to me, though it sounded a lot like my name and initials.

To my relief his tone changed. But to my utmost horror, some1 sent him an email asking for the exam topics to be covered,. in my name.

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"Sopphia, what are u afraid of? Prof likes girls so much. Just ask him and he'll give u the questions for the finals, I bet he'll even give u the solutions for it." A friend in class said jokingly.

I rolled my eyes and refused his request. It's stupid to take advantage of favour when it is granted to u. But I didn't know what to do, or how to respond, because it was quite evident that there was favoritism going on in the class. If only I came for lectures more often,.. if only I had a better cap score,.. then at least this form of favour could be justified.. But I don't. I'm not the smartest or one of the most hardworking ones in class. But all I did was answered a simple question my Prof asked me during a class BBQ after the 1st semester. And all he asked me was,.

"So, how did you find the modules and design project last semester?"

And all I did was told him the truth, my experience and confusion with sign and symbols. The struggles I went though while studying for the finals and the problems I faced while trying to understand all that was happening in a short period of time.

And because of that, he offered me an internship during the summer vacation, a chance to work in his lab and get hands on experience with building an SEM and other sophisticated machines.

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" Aiya, just put her name on your assignment and he'll give u an A." A friend laughed while making that supposedly 'casual' remark. But it was so heavy with sarcasm that I didn't find it funny. It was absolutely miserable going for class the past 3 months of my 4th semester in university. I didn't know whether to smile at certain people,. because I had a feeling that I have been categorized as a terribly lazy and apathetic student, hanging on to a rope where favour from professors were my only chance of survival.

I managed to get along with some of my classmates, and I decided to ignore what others thought of me and tried to do my best in class. I have a friend, who seems to be smiling all the time. I love talking to him, he's kind, intelligent, and very passionate about saving the environment. So one day,. i asked him..

"How is it that u seem to be happy all day? Is there ever a time u felt sad?"

"Well yea, but if u start appreciating the little things in life,. like how nice this soup taste,. *and he took his spoon and scoop some laksa soup from his bewildered friend sitting next to him* .. then I guess it's pretty easy being happy." He said, while slurping the soup down.


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*beep beep*

"Hi mum,."

"Yes dear, what happened?"

And with tears streaming down I poured my whole heart out to her. I told her what I was going through in class, how my classmates hated this Professor of mine because they think he's biased towards certain people. Asking her in desperation what I should do, or where have I gone wrong? I reflected out loud, asking her have I ever attracted the wrong kind of attention? Whether I should side with classmates and hate my professor, or just ignore what my class says? I told her how my class made fun of me, and said stupid things like how my classmates think I have an affair with my professor. I told her how angry I felt, and how my professor knows what the class is thinking now ever since someone tried to impersonate me.

And as I rambled on and on, my mum listened and comforted me, saying she understood what I was going through.

"Mum, I know it's quite strange,. I know I don't usually tell u things, but I really do not know who to turn to.. if i were to tell this to anyone else they'll just crack more jokes. I try to smile mum, I really do. But I just don't think it's flattering or funny. My friends in hall wouldn't understand,. I've already been labeled as a airhead because of a role I played in the dance production. I don't think anyone knows who I am, I don't think anyone thinks I'm good enough to be an engineer.. And I'm mentally so tired everyday,. I really don't have the capacity to prove them wrong. Mum,. should I do this internship? I just don't know what to do anymore."

And we talked for almost 2 hours,. and after I finished bawling my eyes out, my mum told me not to be afraid, for I did not do anything wrong. She reminded me over and over again of who she thinks I am, how she knows I won't ever flirt around with other people, how matured I was in handling situations when I was still in secondary school. She reminded me of a time when I emceed events and had more attention granted to me than I should have, and how I handled that kind of attention without my head swelling out of proportion. Over and over she comforted me, and told me not to be afraid and go ahead with the internship, for she knows that my Professor had no ill intentions, based on the way I described my situation to her.

Although I'm already in university, I felt like a little child. Thinking back, I couldn't remember a time when I thought someone thought ill of me. Even though there might be people who hated me, I never knew about it. But now, It seemed that I had step on peoples toes without even consciously moving my feet. It was an incredibly horrible feeling, but, my mother was there to remind me that I had to learn to deal with hate, for in the real world u couldn't please everyone. She was there to tell me that I had to stop taking care of other people's feelings and start paying attention to my own. That I needed to grow up.

I place down the phone,. and tried to breathe normally. I started thinking of what my mother said. And suddenly I felt so much better. Perfect love does cast out fear. And slowly I started thinking of the weather, the flowers outside my window, and the stars. These were the little things that made me happy.. and I started studying for my exams again.

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"So Sopphia, what are u going to do for mother's day this year?"

I looked at my caregroup leader and smiled. We just had a sharing session on what our mother's were to us. Some said they were the ones who always reminded them to eat, reminded them to sleep. Some said their mums were their nutritionist's and juicer as they were always forcing them to eat vitamins and fruits. Some shared that their mum had passed away, or that their mother was no longer part of the family.. Some shared that their mother raised them up all by herself. And some shared of the series of arguments that would fly between them and their mums,. some shared that they felt their mother was never there for them.

"I don't know yet,. I was thinking of writing her a card." I said. I told the caregroup that my mum was my friend, and my Jimminy Cricket at times. And they started laughing. I know it sounded like a simple gift,. but I knew what I wanted to say in my card. I guess my brother and I could treat her to a nice dinner as well, but we're currently stuck in Singapore. Perhaps we'll give her a belated treat during our family trip to Hong Kong.

Perhaps it's just a card,. but words are my forte,. and I do not know how else to tell my mum how much I appreciate her. How much her reminders and advice had saved me from countless trouble and heartaches. I do not know how else to convey that I would be absolutely hopeless and unmotivated if it weren't for her bedtime stories of men and women who made their mark in history. I do not know how else to say, that I owe who I am today to her. Though I love spending time with my Dad because both of us like gardening and taking care of Abu and Lovey (Our poodle and little shih tzu), it is my mum, and her scolding's, and her naggings, that taught me, and reminded me constantly to be a considerate person, to practice the 9 fruits of the Holy Spirit, and to God-fearing lady in life. As much as I hated the things she made me go through last time when I was younger, like piano and ballet lessons, (simply because she thought I was too tomboyish),. I am forever grateful for it now.

And if there's ever one thing I could never say more sincerely, is that through every season in my life,. she has been the best counselor, the best teacher, and the best friend of all. It reminded me of a little card I made for her when I was 9years old. It was made of two paper plates squish together in the middle by this little clip. On one plate, I drew 4 seasons, and the other plate, I cut off a quarter of it, such that when u rotate the plate, you can see 4 seasons separately. And at the back of the plate, I scribble in very childish handwriting..

"Summer, Spring, winter, fall,
You're the best!! mum of all."

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Neglected
Date: Jan 23rd, 2008 11:23:53 am - Subscribe
Mood: neglected


I can take the late night calls.
I can brave the time difference.

I can bear it even if ur a thousand miles away,
Just clinging on to the hope that we're still together, in some way.

But ur voice i no longer hear,
And for it a thousand possible pictures carried through,
How could I possibly portray how i feel?
How long must this distance separate us till?

In a pair, nature works.
In the skies, the seas, and dry land.
Please tell me why nature's so cold,
Why solitude could torture the human soul.

I couldn't understand,
I couldn't comprehend
Why your words and actions
don't go hand in hand.

One minute it's fiery
The next it's cold.
Is this The story
that's gonna be told?

My hope dried up,
Scorched by distance,
Overwhelmed by hindrance
and Burnt by love.

I've lost the game,
Gave up, don't intent to replay
Perhaps, if chance permit,
i'll try again,

Someday.




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Perseverence
Date: Oct 18th, 2007 11:56:20 am - Subscribe
Mood: miserable


Is there any way that I can escape from this sarcophagus? The feelings that I have been bottling up for so long, is beginning to overwhelm me to the core. Where are you now? Why aren't you here with me? Why aren't you here when I need u the most?


Day in day out, I face the world with the same smile. With the same anger and frustration so deftly kept within the secret chamber of my soul, threatening to be revealed, struggling to break free from the cell in which I have locked them.

How Long?? How long do I have to wait.. Why do you torment me this way? I don't understand why, why am I feeling this way. What I once thought was possible, now seems like a hopeless cause.

Where have my courage gone? The bravado of my youth have deserted me. All my hopes, and dreams and wishful thoughts of my naive mind has been crushed, broken and burnt to ashes.

Alone and abandoned, I have nothing left, nothing left to fight with. Nothing, absolute nothingness!

If only I desire not. If only I crave not, then shall my suffering cease? Is not the process of eradicating my will torturous enough!!!

I can't explain. I really can't. In moments like this my articulation fails me. If only I do not love you. If only I do not feel about you the way I do, then I know,. I know perhaps I will not lose my mind. Perhaps I can still keep my sanity whenever you're not here beside me.


will it be a month? four years? how long? Here without you, 1 second seems like a thousand years. The process of missing you is killing me, piercing my heart, my soul and my mind. Who can I turn to? No one will listen to me. They say its my fault. ITS MY FAULT that I AGREED to do this.

and yes.. I am guilty. Because I love you, distance does not matter. Because I love you, I don't mind suffering for another few more years. Because I love you, I am willing to persevere.


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Cartoon heroes
Date: Jun 12th, 2007 5:49:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: bemused


'Do they last forever?'

How many of them could sprout out from our ever imaginative minds?

Was it in the midst of a dream, or an insatiable desire to impress, or the frustration of being a prisoner to the limitations of the natural world?

Do the creators long to fly, to be born with the ability to remove all obstacles gracefully, without the need to break a sweat. To emerge at the top without the need to train. To gain admiration and fame without hard work.

Nay, when the human mind cease to exist, cartoon heroes fade along with it. They die together with the increasing gradient of adolescence, and they are buried with the emerging of new characters and fads.

They do not last forever.






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