It has been forgotten
Date: Jun 14th, 2005 8:43:41 pm - Subscribe
Making good progress on my goal. I guess I haven't been writing in this because my site has been taking up most of my time...
Resisting the cookies I baked today for my parents.
Date: May 23rd, 2005 10:10:36 pm - Subscribe
I decided to leave TAF for awhile. It feels like I'm tearing a part of my heart out from me. Why am I doing it then you ask? First, I need to figure out myself. My binges are not me, it's not what I do, not what I'm a part of. I need to figure out what's happened to me... Although lots of people may say, "well, that's what the place is for!" I just don't want to keep complaining and whining excessively for MY own failing. I will not fail anymore. I cannot.
I will not post again until I reach 128. I will be good so I can reach 128 and go back. I will do everything right to reach 128. I will be exercising everynight to weigh 128. I will.
Tomorrow I am getting a pass from Solie to work in the library during lunch, they are serving ice cream for end of the year. At night I will work in my room. Wednesday I will have something in the morning to eat so as not to be distracted when I take my finals. Same with thursday and friday...
Friday...friday friday friday friday friday. The last day of school. I am going out with 'friends' for pizza on friday supposedly. I will not eat more then 100 cals the rest of the week so I can go on friday. I will not have any breadsticks or cheesesticks, I will have pizza and diet pop, that's it.
I will be controlling of myself. I will lose weight this summer. I will be totally transformed by next fall. I will be a different person. I will be thin. I will not be envy of others smaller then me, because there will be no one as small as me. I will. I have to. I won't give up.
Still an idiot
Date: May 22nd, 2005 8:20:42 pm - Subscribe
Well, after I had b/p when I got up, I went to volleyball. THAT was just great, I was late, yada yada yada.
Then I got home and had a huge fight with my mom. My dad is missing. My cat ran away. After that my mom ran away too, I don't know where she went. They left me here all alone, when I'm alone and depressed or when I get into fights I binge. So I did. I ate almost everything in the house: Sun chips, twinkies, nutri grain bars, carrots, hot tamales, apple sauce, yogurt, bread, toast slobbered in butter, pria bars, more too but I don't want to say what else I ate. I went to the bathroom to purge, and I COULD NOT. That was a first...my stomach hurt so bad...it was sticking out worse then it was last night.
I felt like I was literally dieing, now its not painful but I just feel like a blimp and its still sticking out.
Tomorrow I will be fatter. I'm guessing at least 150.
I\'m an idiot
Date: May 22nd, 2005 12:36:40 pm - Subscribe
Well last night I b/p a whole bag of ritz chips. This morning my weight was 145.5...how depressing. So I b/p the rest of the box of neopolitan ice cream. After that I ate 3 bowls of corn flakes...purge. Then 2 more bowls...purge.
I don't have anything else to say. I hate me I hate this. I am a fatdisgustingwhore who doesn't deserve to live.
Buddy the elf, what\'s your favorite color?
Date: May 21st, 2005 10:00:33 pm - Subscribe
Yeah, I just watched Elf on starz....
But, wow! I haven't updated in awhile...its been so busy and hectic around here! First, with our new board, and studying...jeez. I'm glad I have tonight off though!
I started my fast on thursday...except I found out that I have to eat something with my meds otherwise they make me sick. So I have to eat one 50-cal rice cake everynight when I take them. I think that's still considered a fast...but if it's not then I guess I'm just on a restriction. Thursday went great! Friday morning and afternoon went great too! Except, you know I've never gone this long on a fast (two days...pathetic i KNOW....), and I was getting really weak, like when I was walking up and down the stairs in my school, does anyone know what you can do to prevent this?
Well, on friday night my aunt specially brought me to the china buffet. I feel bad saying I don't feel good just because she went there for me, and...I totally pigged out. I had a little plate and then she said, 'come on, its a BUFFET! It means take two! Or three! Or more!'. Well, I took two heaping plates...but now that I have that outta my system I couldn't wait to get back on my fast.
Last night I had to stay at a friends house because she asked me to help her go rock picking at a farm she helps at this morning. It rained, so we didn't get a very early start. We got to the farm at about 9:30...no one told me that when you go there to go rock picking you have to do a whole bunch of OTHER chores too!...ugh...
The schedule of the day went like this: Clean up all the cobwebs in the calf pen, shovel up the grain in the pen, sweep the pen, trim the bushes (there were a TON), weed the garden (going ALL the way around their humungo barn), reshape a flowerbed, and then we had lunch. They are the religious kind of family that thinks that people should eat everything on their plate. Well, Dori (the lady on the farm) gave us our plates full of food. I hate it when people say, "Is that all you're going to eat?" when they know you didn't eat in the morning and there are expectations of you. I've never met her before, and I didn't want to be rude, so I ate the sloppy joe and green beans with corn that she served. Little did I know, that later she served brownies topped with new york vanilla ice cream and caramel syrup. I checked later and it was fat free though...
After the HUGE meal, we finally went rock picking. Basically, truck got stuck, bobcat got stuck, had to walk to the field and THROW the rocks into the swamp (there were a ton), walk all the way back to the farm. It was hard work (hopefully burned off some of the calories). After that I had to push mow a huge lawn. More work...All in all we worked from 9:30-5:00, and I got paid $40 for it. Yay! Money!
When I got home I binged on M&Ms. I'm guessing I got off the fast too quick. Instead of having grilled cheese for supper I had a mini protein bar. Tomorrow I hope to start my fast again...I hope I didnt' gain much....on friday I weighed 143. I've almost lost 10 lbs. since I haven't been watched as closely...
That was my day. Sorry it was such a long post...I've had withdrawals. Seriously.
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