First, welcome to my blog!
This weekend was BAD. Every single weekend I binge. It never fails. The other reason my weekend was bad was we were 7 points away from winning our first medal at our tournament yesterday. It gets so frustrating to know that I work so hard and nothing ever comes out of it... The week went good. I was exercising and my parents never said anything if they noticed me eating differently. Then I go and mess it up...
This week I am restricting majorly to make up for all the crap I consumed during the weekend. Wish me luck.
Today went...good. I am planning to go and run 2 miles after it stops raining. I actually had to walk in the rain today to an appt., but afterwards I got to see all my aunt and uncles pets! It was cool.
BTW, thanks for all the comments you guys left me
Hey guys...I feel like crap right now. I'm just going to go to bed after I finish typing up some poems for english.
Today I ate too much because I was around people and had to make an impression.
Pixie I will start a fast with you! What about tomorrow and Friday? (I can't do it on saturday because I have a tournament).
I hope you guys are all doing better then me!
luv ya all, spunk.
Well, my 18 hour fast went good. (what?! 18 hours only? yeah..i know..). After that I got home and I b/p. Tonight I am playing in our orchestra concert, this one will actually be good. It's our first concert after playing in the Messiah in December.
I am going to write up lists of times I can eat. Before, I did this and it really helped prevent bingeing. I've been trying not to weigh myself till friday....eek! It's hard!
Plus today I found out that the only good math teacher in the department is getting fired. I am going to find out why and sign a petition, because of what I've heard it isn't fair to him at all!
All in all, today has been a good day. Add a sticker!!
I was looking at this site: http://lexusine.candyandrazorblades.net/darkness/cut.html. This part of it really spoke to me...
the following information is from cutting : understanding and overcoming self-mutilation bysteven levenkron
the cutter is often a white woman, middle class of above average intelligence who began cutting herself in adolescence. she has low self-esteem and may suffer from bouts of depression. she has trouble relating to people and forming intimate relationships. despite her smarts and education, she has an extremely hard time articulating her thoughts and feelings and a seemingly insatiable need for love and acceptance. because she did not internalize positive nurturing skills from her parents, she does not take very good care of herself and feels that she is too bad a person "to deserve comforts or luxuries."
the cutter is someone who experiences herself as powerless. she may not be docile, timid or shy in public; she may even be quite outgoing. but no matter how outgoing or confident she seems, she feels alone wherever she is, different from everyone around her, an outsider. she is often plagued by a fear of punishment - usually from a parent - for being deficient, inadequate, a disappointment in a way that was either specifically defined for her, or one that is unspoken but understood."
like the anorexic, she may feel that she has no one to depend upon or trust with her emotions. that feeling alone will produce fearfulness most of the time, even when there is no immediate cause to fear. so, what we know about this person is that she is afraid, and she may hide behind obsessional thinking or eating disorders as well as self-mutilation to gain relief from her constant state of fear. she is seeking all the relief she can find from her fearfulness. often, she is a high achiever in some area, whether it is in academics, the arts, or athletics. at the same time, she may ignore (and usually does) subjects that don't interest her. her school record may fluctuate from a's to f's.
she is often apologetic even when she has done nothing to apologize for. she is fearful of what she sees as the imminent danger or resentment others will feel toward her. sometimes, her frequent gratuitous apologies steming from this fear will annoy and alienate those friends closest to her. she may interpret their withdrawl as an indication that she has been offensive or not apologetic enough and increase the very behavior that repels those around her. still, she is a person generally liked by her peer group, who may identify on a very small scale with her vulnerability, a vulnerability that most of them are also experiencing to a lesser degree."
the self-mutilator has a history of being hurt, harmed or molested. when this is the case, mistrust is her security. she will constantly look for opportunities to mistrust helpers. she often invites harming behavior from her helpers thus confirming her need to mistrust them, as well as her need to hide and protect herself from those who seek to help her. she may do this in a passive manner by not talking during therapy sessions. seeming to daydream in order to escape any connection with her therapist, she is in fact constantly testing. her need to protect herself from others by mistrusting them could frustrate the less than determined helper. life has taught the self-harmer not to trust anyone, or in less severe cases, to be extremely wary. she will set up many tests for a person to pass before taking even a limited chance to risk such trust.
"i would have watched the blood run down my arm, even stain my clothes. i would have wanted to take a bath in my blood. i would have cleaned it up and concealed it afterward to avoid getting caught."
*sigh. I am getting less stronger by the minute.