My Friends: and_I_fall, pixie, VinceJ, marijane, perfect110, emogirlie, onlyway
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perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~
3 Comments
Mood: agitated

emogirlie My Dreams Are Coming True. Oct 4th, 2008 12:26:56 am - Subscribe
So... I used to blog on here all the time... a long time ago. Some of you may remember me. I was pretty depressing... complaining a lot and such. Telling disgusting and dirty secrets...

I got rid of all my blogs because I'm over that part of my life. Anyway, I did blog about how I was going to publish a book one day. Well, I'm doing it. A publishing company accepted me. The book's going to be out in ebook, audiobook, paperback, and maybe hardcover by next summer. I'm psyched. But... I knew it would happen. If you want something THAT bad... eventually it'll happen.

Things have been going so well for me. I'm just radiating light and love and joy.

Read The Power of Now. It helped me A LOT... with life in general. It'll help you too... even if you "don't need help..."

That's all. Just randomly felt like coming back here. Every once and a while it is nice to return to the past. wink.gif

<3
1 Comments
Mood: A little buzzed. :O

emogirlie The Bitch Posse May 27th, 2008 2:29:21 pm - Subscribe
Hey! I just read The Bitch Posse. It was the best read I've had in a long time!! Go out and read it today! SOOO GOOD! Here's the synopsis:

These are the confessions of the Bitch Posse. Cherry, Rennie, and Amy were outcasts, rebels, and dreamers. And their friendship was so all-encompassing that some would call it dangerous. This is the story of three women — as seniors in high school and as women in their mid-thirties — who formed a bond in order to survive the pitfalls and perils of their lives.
In the present day, one of them is a wife and mother-to-be, trying to live a "normal" life. One of them is a writer who engages in a number of self-destructive relationships. And one of them is in a mental hospital — and has been ever since that one fateful night fifteen years ago, when a heart-wrenching betrayal and the unraveling of relationships led them to a point of no return, where their actions triggered unimaginable consequences. These secrets have torn them apart while inextricably binding them to one another. What happened to them? And can they survive their shared history, even today?

The Bitch Posse is an anthem for friendships that defy society's approval or disapproval. It's a novel of secrets, courage, sacrifice, and hope against the odds. It is both a journey back to being a girl on the verge of adulthood, and a journey forward, showing how the events of our past can unearth the best in us today.

Dare to jump in.

1 Comments
Mood: whatever

onlyway reading response Aug 21st, 2007 1:59:55 pm - Subscribe

RP #1 – Malcolm X

Whoever said prison wasn’t a blessing for Malcolm X should rethink that. This man fought for peace, fought for racial justice, and he learned more in prison than he did from fighting. In prison, he discovered the power of words that he never would have known had he skipped that prison era in his life. It all started with a dictionary; it seems insane, but a dictionary led Malcolm X to a love of reading. I started reading when I was three, and I couldn’t imagine waiting any longer to begin my obsession with books. Like Malcolm X found out, reading opens a completely different world, one in which you can escape to when life becomes too intense. Malcolm X even said that he forgot about being imprisoned whenever he had a series of words to drag his eyes across. There have been many occasions in my life where I just wanted to close my eyes and disappear for a bit. I couldn’t do that, though, so I turned to reading and everything in my life seemed well again. If Malcolm X were alive, I’d let him known that I share his belief in the power of reading.
0 Comments
Mood: flabbergasted

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 9:44:02 pm - Subscribe
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
26 Comments
Mood: lovely

onlyway Civilized vs. civilization Jan 30th, 2006 4:15:58 pm - Subscribe
I was wondering everybody's opinion on a couple of things:


Is a civilization necessarily civilized?

What makes a civilization possible?

What makes being considered civilized possible?


0 Comments
Mood: slinky

onlyway My uncle was killed... Jan 20th, 2006 6:54:32 pm - Subscribe
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do...


Everything became to real...death became to real, and I just, I just can't cope well with all of this. It's getting too hard to know that he's gone. I will never get to hug him again, or see him again...and it's hit me hard.
4 Comments
Mood: grieving

onlyway Maybe... Jan 17th, 2006 12:45:06 am - Subscribe
Anything can happen right?

Like....

Maybe he'll get his life together....

Maybe he'll put together his mind again....

Maybe, after he does that, he'll want to be with me again....

Maybe he'll realize how much I love him....

Maybe he'll realize that he let the one thing go that never would have given up on him....

Yes, maybe he'll want me back, but maybe, just maybe, by then I would have moved on and wouldn't want him back....
2 Comments
Mood: moving on

onlyway it slipped right through my hands Jan 1st, 2006 5:49:41 pm - Subscribe
So my boyfriend that I just recently realized I loved so dearly, told me that he "doesn't want the 'girlfriend' title right now" and that I'm still a "great girl" and he "still cares about me a lot." Obviously, he's afraid of commitment if he doesn't want the girlfriend title, right?

But I don't regret it. I don't regret loving him. And what really sucks, is that I really do love him...and I can't close my heart to the things I shouldn't feel anymore...

But it seems to me that now I can't get caught up in something that's never going to happen...I'll just have to move on to the next best thing...

Nevertheless, my heart is so broken and confused. Two months ago he told me that what he and I had was so real and he would never have any intention on leaving. BULLSHIT!

I never thought I could love and hate one person at the same time, but I was very wrong.

Here are some song quotes that might explain my rush of feelings more than I could:

"But you’re so afraid to lose, and baby I can’t reach your heart
I can’t face this world that’s keeping us apart"

"And now there’s no way out
And I can’t help the way I feel"

"Like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time"

"The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all"

"Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two"

"Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
But why’d you have to go and make a mess like that"

"There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved"

"I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can’t say that
Here's to show
For all the time I loved you so…"

"How come I never hear you say
'I just wanna be with you'
I guess you never felt that way"

"You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth. I just can't take it"

"Seeing you it kills me now"

"No way to tell what's real from what isn't there"

"You washed away the best of me
You don't care"

"There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn"

"Take the hint and walk away
'Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone"

"It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand"

"It seems so much is left unsaid"

"I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone"

"I hate myself for loving you"

"Dont play that song for me
'Cuz it brings back memories
Of the days that I once knew
And all the days that I spent with you"

"I surrender"

"I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong"











I'm tired of love...I give up....
2 Comments
Mood: discouraged

onlyway i wrapped my heart around it Dec 30th, 2005 9:48:11 pm - Subscribe
ive been realizing over time....for a while, he was just my boyfriend ya know?...and then i woke up today and he became the person i could never live without....





and i do love him...





i love him. he doesnt have to love me back, but im going to give him my whole heart anyway...






0 Comments
Mood: devoted

vincej Episode 6 Jun 17th, 2005 7:19:56 am - Subscribe
OMG! Sorry guys. I'm still here!! I've just been having trouble with my laptop and I haven't been able to come online much, I've also had friends and family stay at my flat etc etc.

I'm still doing really well, I'm really improving on running, and I have to say that running with light weights does wonders for your arms.

I've had to replace my clothes AGAIN! it's the third time this year. Not a bad thing as far as I am concerned, I love clothes and I love to shop and loosing weight is always good in my book. So I guess I cant complain!

I have a new goal date, it's 21st September, I'm going to see Eminem on that date and my best friend is traveling up from the other side of the country to see him with me. And I want to look hot. I have another 25 pounds to loose so I think it's a pretty realistic goal.

I don't have anything to complain about at the moment. Apart from the fact that I'm running low on ephedrine... sad.gif

I hope all of you are keeping well. I will go round and visit you now.,

Luv ya!

J
1 Comments
Mood: great

pixie been gone for a while. Jun 14th, 2005 2:49:08 am - Subscribe
i am still to fat. i will never. ever. be thin enough.
2 Comments
Mood: mature

vincej Triggers May 25th, 2005 9:57:29 am - Subscribe
I just replied to a thread on the Lunchbox forum about triggering moments. I thought I would copy past it here as a reminder.

Trigger Number 1

When I was at high school a particular girl used to call me Annie because she thought it sounded like anorexia (yeah, whatever. I know). People used to call me skinny and I was oblivious it why I was so skinny and I did't know why people made so many comments. The fact of the matter was I did so much exercise and I hardly hate. I was looking at some pics from that time in my life and compared them to pics of 6 months ago and I just cried my heart out. To make matters worse I worked out my BMI from then turns out it was 19 (!)

Trigger Number 2

so my weight went up from 2001-2002 then I lost so much weight and my mum took me aside one day and said J look at you you're wasting away, look after yourself honey, I'm concerned

Then I fell pregant, slit up with boyfriend and gained it all back due to depression

Trigger Number 3

Also the night I declared to my family that I was loosing weight my dad took me back to my flat in the car he said promise me you won't get as thin as you were before, you don't know how much you scared me, I was so worried for you you looked anorexic


Trigger Number 4

A particular pic of me when I was 16. I was working in Bath and Body Works at the time and someone managed to capture a pic of me. It was a sideways pose and I swear to god I almost DISAPEARED from that angle.

Trigger Number 5

an ex saying to me I looked perfect when I was skinny while my folks said I was too thin.

Trigger Number 6

My skinny Gap jeans.
2 Comments
Mood: reminiscent

vincej Episode 5 May 23rd, 2005 6:27:35 pm - Subscribe
I can't be bothered to log what I ate over the weekend. It involved lots of salad and raspberries and Avada tea.

Good news! I got some ephedrine today. So I'm happy about that. I love The Ephedrine.

OMFG!!!! I bought some scales. After saying that I didn't want to weigh myself and thst I was scared to find out how might I weighted. Well I was in the shop and I had a bit of spare cash to spend. I figured I could buy them and I didn;t nesserilly have to use them.

Wel curiousity got the better of me and I went for it. Let's just say I cried. I ran off to the bathroom had a shower and cried (that way you can't hear anything),

After much thought, I cam to the conclusion that it was probably a good thing that I bought the scales, I'm looking it as a reality check. I thought I was doing ok but I'm clearly not.

So here's the deal. It's time to step up the game and by that I mean I have t work harder and eat less and stay committed and really focused. Also, the scales is my friend. I will use it and it well keep me in check.

It doesn't seem so bad now.

I've decided to take up running. I'm not very good at it at the moment, but it was fun. I really felt good afterwards and proud of myself for hanging in there. Standing in the gym out of breath and pouring with sweat felt good in a way.

So that's my update for today.

Next time i will try and post my work out play list. I listen to so many different tyoes of music anything from pop to rock to dance to rnb.

J x*muwa*

Ps Tree trunk legs = fat thick legs. Not a good look as far as I'm concenrned.
3 Comments
Mood: Fucking huge!

pixie right now, i am a great anorexic! May 18th, 2005 2:37:14 am - Subscribe
i've done so well with the whole fasting thing for the past week. it has truly been a wonderful experience, and i feel so in-control of my own body.

i know not everyone agrees with what i'm doing, but honestly, starvation makes me happy..i like this empty feeling..and i enjoy seeing those low numbers on the scale..

thank you all for being so encouraging to me. i am well on my way to being underweight..and perfect.

take care. and i will let you know how i'm doing again soon.
3 Comments
Mood: incredible
: 0

vincej Episode 4 May 17th, 2005 7:32:35 pm - Subscribe
Sunday
Breafast - Aveda peppermint tea
Lunch - Aveda peppermint tea
snacks - Aveda peppermint tea

Exercise - A long walk in the park

Pills and supplements - Kelp + HydroLean.

Monday

Breakfast - Pineapples
Lunxh - Tomato soup
Snacks - Mothing

Exercise - Walking to work and 1 hoour 30 at thhe gym

Pills and supplements - Kelp + HydroLean.



Tuesday

Breakfast - Pineapplea
Lunch _ chilcken Salad

Exercise - Gym and walk home

Pills and supplements - Kelp + HydroLean.

--------------------------------------------------

Well I'm trying, i'm hitting the gym and I've worked really hard.

OMG! I'm running low on ephedra!!! I swear that stuff is the shit but it;s sure as hell hard to find! (damn you people that used it irresponcibly!!! damn you) I love it! it stops me feeling hungry and gives me a lot of energy. With out it I just get tierd really quickly, i work extra hard. It scary stuff though.

I think i know what keeps me to the gym, variation and a good gym playlist, guarenteed fun! But seriously, afterwards i fee so good, like all the days stress and impurities have been cleaansed out my body, it's a great feeling.

I should consider going back to pilates, it does wonders for the abs and i thought nothing could sort out my tree trunk legs but that sure as hell did. i highy recomend it.

I work in a really small office and it sucks. Every nootices what everyone is doing including what we're eating. So on friday my boss says the following...

I've noticed you're loosing a lot of weight again J.. that you've been very careful about what you eat...


Your doing great in fact it's very inspiring... your cleary not on a diet, i'm not trying to discourage you but be careful about what you;re doing you don't need to go to the gym so much... I would hate for you to get too thin again, you ruin your looks by being to thin..


A compliment I guess, but I swear, if people didn;t notice at work I wouldn't even it lunch. And I've done thhe whole sneaking out at lunchtime thing, it doesn;t work. sad.gif

One particular person I work beside likes to sabotage all my hard work always buying me fucking food! we're talking bisuts, chocolate bars, crisps and all that crap. It just goes in the drawer and I have to clear it out on a regular basis to make it look like I've been eating it. But i hate it, I wish she would just leave me alone. Just because she's happy being heavy doesn;t mean I am, but each to their own I guess.

Lindsay Lohan is looking pretty fabulous these days. But not as good as Nicole in my opinion.

I just want to say I big thank you to all of you that have left comments for me. It's very sweet and I appreciate it. I try my best to read all your diaries and leave genuine comments.

Love to you all.

J x
2 Comments
Mood: fat

marijane Finally, tiny steps foward May 15th, 2005 8:24:47 pm - Subscribe
Today i woke and repeated the usual mantras while getting ready for work: Today i will eat only safe foods. Today i will not binge or purge. Today will not turn into tommorow...At 7:30 pm i can sit at the computer without shame and bask in the glow of self-satisfaction and pride. Unfortunately, a day is only a miniscule grain of time in the grand scheme of things.

At AA meeting(although i have never attended one) they tell their recovering addicts to take everything one day at a time. Impatient dreamers can never quite grasp this concept. We start our races at top speed and eventually our momentum slows down, boredom or complacency being key components. We dont steadily plod forward like the metaphorical tortoise. We take drastic measures and seek immediate gratification, we cut corners, we cheat and we take risks.

Unless our minds fasten upon something like a steel trap and we fall prey to obsession.

Obsession is a powerful motivator. It can grasp someone completely and miserably control their entire being. If you know it lurks within you, you may try to supress it. If you are an All- or- nothing or one-extreme- to-the-other type You might even try to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, as far away from its grasp as possible. Its mentally exhausting to have blinders on your mind and no peripheral vision in your life.

The times when i have truly lost weight have been the times when i was completely and utterly obsessed. Its a thing that mentally builds up until its overwhelming and uncontrollable. It completely takes over your psyche, when apocalypse is happening outside my bedroom window, i could care less because i am making a list of safe foods. I'm becoming obsessed again and i'm scared because i know how it darkens my mind.

I'm scared because i know that i will obsess and i will get emotional over calories. The scale will determine my mood and general outlook on life 5 or 6x a day. When (or should i say "If") i reach my goal i will not enjoy it, rather i will compare myself and find someone in the room who is thinner. I'll complain and feel even fatter than before. Unfortunately, i have no middle ground to seek solace in and i can truly say that i have optimistically searched for it before ( i've found that only normal people get the privilege of idealistic moderation.) I'm too vain, materialistic and narcissistic to gain anymore weight, and i have to submit myself to a cold obsession rather than permit a dangerous addiction.


Todays Food Intake:
Breakfast- Atkins Cereal and Soy Slender, Coffee 160 cals
Lunch- Small salad with sirloin tips and fat free italian, half eaten. 200 cals
Snack- Slim fast low carb bar 190 cals
Dinner- Lean Cuisine, low carb 150 cals and Carb Freedom yogurt 90 cals
Total Caloric Intake:790

Wow, so much better and most importantly- No binge or purge!

Unfortunately 790 calories is not good enough to loose weight. But it's an important baby step.

Tommorow's Goal- 600 calories.










2 Comments
Mood: inspired

pixie Day 2 of Fast 2.. May 15th, 2005 11:53:21 am - Subscribe
well i started a fresh water fast yesterday at midnight, so as of now, i have not eaten for over 36 hours. this fast is ONLY water. no juice, no coffee, and no gum. i'm flushing my system of all those nasty toxins..

so yeah. this fast is going a lot better than the other one did..i feel very strong about it. and i KNOW that i will make it to the end.

the plan is, water fast for at LEAST 6 days..i have to get to 6 days with no food, because a girl on tv said she did, and i have to beat her(i know its rediculous, but i'm very competitive) so once i hit the 6 day mark..i'll just ignore food for as long as i can..hopefully i can exceed my record and go for 21 days..but i dont know yet if i will be able to "fake eat" with my parents around for that long...so whatever. i just want to starve..and starve i will.


day 2 and day 3 are always the hardest, because your body is the lowest on ketones and such..so if i'm going to fail. its going to be today or tomorrow..i need to go find something to do..and i WILL NOT FAIL.

"let the body burn the fuel it has already stored."
6 Comments
Mood: starving
: 0

vincej Episode 3 May 15th, 2005 9:47:42 am - Subscribe
Ok, I have't been here for a couple of days and to be honest with you I really can't remember what's happened. There'll be no point in me trying too remember what I've eaten. But i have been sticking with the HydroLean. I swear that stuff works for me. Without it I eat like a beast!

I've been drinking Aveda teal all day today. i love it.

As of tomorrow, I really have to keep everything below 500 cals. Just like I used to. And go to the gym and work a lot harder. I'm reallly starting to slack on thhe weights. What I really need to do is build some lean muscle.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today, I think I might go for a long walk in the park. Just me and my iPod.
4 Comments
Mood: forgetful

vincej Episode 3 May 15th, 2005 9:46:32 am - Subscribe
Ok, I have't been here for a couple of days and to be honest with you I really can't remember what's happened. There'll be no point in me trying too remember what I've eaten. But i have been sticking with the HydroLean. I swear that stuff works for me. With it I eat like a beast!

I've been drinking Aveda teal all day today. i love it.

As of tomorrow, I really have to keep everything below 500 cals. Just like I used to. And go to the gym and work a lot harder. I'm reallly starting to slack on thhe weights. What I really need to do is build some lean muscle.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today, I think I might go for a long walk in the park. Just me and my iPod.
0 Comments
Mood: forgetful