I had a dream that the world was shifting under my feet; that everything was shaking, screams lighting up across the sky.

I dreamt that I stood in the hollow of a vally as it transformed heaving, into a mountain- with only a mind shattering screech echoing in my head to prove it had ever been anything but the newly minted peak.

There was death in my dream. Not just mine; but the deaths of many. Mothers, fathers. Lovers, spinsters, and the damned. We all died the same way. It amazed me, dream me- that death was the same equilizer as birth had been. We all were born the same way- setting and timing aside. We all die.

It wasn't a scary dream. It was hardly even a nightmare.
It was cold.

Cold, when I woke.

It was cold with the realization that one day I would move my valley to the top of a mountain. And from there I could see everything ending.

I woke knoing that one day, I will have all of my answers.
-

Everything is up in the air. I am so swamped with my current job- and yet not doing my job. My part time job getting needlessly stressful.

I am waiting to hear if I got the Big Brother's Big Sister's position. I want it. I don't want to leave. I need change, and fear it. FUCK. I AM A COWARD.

Such a coward.
-

'Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.'

I am tired.

Tired of people doing nothing but talking about change. Beaurocracy has been here since the dawn of organized society. Our schools are a disgrace. Our kids are killing themselves faster than the obesity can.

Why would we change what ain't broke?
It is broken.

Society isn't benefitting anyone.
Except it allows us to stay fat and lazy.

I work. I work. I work. I volunteer.
I work.

'Mine is an evil laugh.'
-

So. Halloween, huh?



I have a top hat, and I have tails.
Fishnets, and a corset that makes my tits capable of making Sir Isaac Newton weep.
I hope I do Zatanna justice.

The only sadness in dressing like the enchantress, and mistress of magic herself is- people will only know I am dressed as a
'sexy magician'

Injustice.

And yet- I suppose... in my mid-twenties- I shouldn't be so enraptured by comic books, and the beautiful references they lend.
I'm nearly done reading A Song of Fire and Ice.
I'm killing time.
Procrastinating on my application for a fringe show.

Life creeps forward.
-

My life is becoming full.
I am so close to having to empty my life inbox it is nearly deafening.

I have so many things on the go.
Busy, busy, stagnant.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

My stress levels skyrocket so high- I just... I find I have more coping mechanisms than I know what to deal with. I am an orstrich with my head in the sand, and I am a bear with its' mouth covered in blood.

I play a dangerous game with myself. I live for my downtime. Work is meaningless and mostly an enabler for my laziness.

I want to crotchet, read my bloodlust novels, write my feeling down on paper, drink my tea, watch senseless amounts of shit on television. I am happy at home- happy but I swear my family can smell it and like sharks in the water...

-are after me.

Their stresses, and strains suffocate me. They fuel my indifference and blatent apathy.

Save me?
Throw me a big fucking neon lifering and drag me back to a world where I am capable of empathy.
-

Many thing.
I don't often like to hate, but today seems to be the crankybitchysick day.
So I will allow myself today to rant.

Locked doors when you're sitting in the living room. Your two volumes; angry and yelling. Your inability to use common logic.

I refuse to talk about it anymore.
The more I talk about your dumb,loud, cunt ass. The more I seeth.

Worst lifechoice ever.
-

Thisbe.
-

Stomach churning.
By gaslight burning.
I need this day to end.
---


Ever feel like your significant other is cheating on you- for no real reason? Now, before you agree; and tell me that my feelings are likely correct. Allow me to explain.

I am not talking about the beautiful boy that shares my bed. I am not talking about he with his unexpected holds, and sweetness.

I talk about fiction. I feel like life is cheating on me.
With what?
My younger, more dazzling twin? My life has changed drastically. Again. I am living with Exspensive. Everything is good- well... most everything. Work is meh. Money is meh. And oddly enough, my only complaint (Besides people not paying me back monies) is that I miss her.

The time zones are enough to kill me. It's odd.
My co-dependence normally doesn't hold this long.
I miss her. I hate Korea. I hate Korea.
And car insurance.
---

The pallid spew of colour,
by the graying light grows duller,
I need this day to end.
-

FUCKSHITCUNTASSHOLE.


I have a truck. Its not my fault.
They are too cheap to pay for my parking so they force me to park in the smallest fucking place.

AND THEN THEY YELL BECAUSE I AM PARKED LIKE A DOUCHE.

I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I SHAKE WITH RAGE- SHAKING WITH RAGE.
GAH.

-Jeannie is in labour and I am the one panicking-
PANIC
YELLYELLSCREAMPOUTYELL

I am hungry and impatient and I WANT IT TO BE MY BIRTHDAY.
...
Which.
Is tomorrow.

As I age, I get crankier.
-

Or the satelites.

I'm not picky.

I'm excited for my new job. It will be a change of pace if nothing else. I am bored at work again. No youth in what, weeks?

I've gotten in to a routine of being paid to watch an episode fo Doctor Who and spend copius amounts of time devoted to my writing.

It is growing. I am growing. I look forward to one day being able to say that everything has worked out well.

The boy is taking measures to be a good boy.
He even washed dishes last night, and made me dessert whilst I watched SVU.
I enjoy him, I wouldn't trade him in.

Mostly.
Mostly I want kettle corn, cold tea, and to learn how to do a convincing British accent.
Me with the unending wants.
-

To lose someone in your life is exhausting.

Death isn't an easy aquaintance, it seems as soon as you get to know its' cold icy hands, it's always knocking on your door.

I am exhausted. I am depleted. i am hopeful.

I have a disgusting need to ink my body- and not the funds to do so. Perhaps in the fall.

My life is a flailing thing.
I am incredibly... indifferent.

The man in my life and I talked last night. I love him. I won't tell him just yet- but I do. We are trying this fun new thing called financial accountability.

Budgets.
Sounds like fun, huh kids?

I see the future. It is a bright, and overwhelming place.

Are you there God,
It's me Andrea.
-

I am so frustrated. Car accident in which I was not at fault and now that stupid bitch is claiming I didn't stop. Lady. You have full coverage. It was icy. ICY. Why are you not taking responsibilty.

Its only me that gets fucked. Face down, ass up.

Turns out thats' the way the fucking world loves to see me.

I have no car- overwhelming debt. I am losing it. LOSING IT. Losing my motherfucking mind. This is the most expensive month of the year and everything is crashing down hard. FUCK. Please give me a chance to catch up. I really wouldn't be opposed to vasnishing.

POOF

Gone. I just need it to balance.
-

Both figuratively and literally.

I am a creature of habit- I like schedules, and routines. I like being places where I feel comfortable- and I like have a cemented support system. My awkward tendancies leave me feeling stressed; this move is going to kill me.

I feel alienated at work.

I feel insecure in myself.

I feel.

I feel less apathetic than ever- which is terrifying in and of itself. Feeling leads to feeling depressed. Right? Or is this how life is supposed to be? Why is this so much stress. Why can't I be one of those people that can just go with the flow- who just adapt with changes and embrace it.

Someone once told me that change is neither good, nor bad. Change simply is.

Somehow it made me feel better- but now the ambiguity...

...its too much.
-

I am beyond irritated.
So fucking irritated.
I am tired of payments bouncing, and bills not getting paid. I am slowly breaking into a million peices because I owe so much damn money.

Telus, Bell, TD Insurance, Rent, VISA, VISA, Rogers, Shaw, EPCOR.

Paycheck comes, and its gone before it touches my bank account. I can't afford to eat. Let alone pay down my debt. Gas in my car? A luxury I cannot afford.

I am drowning. I am drowning.
And it seems like every step forward I take, another brick fucking wall gets thrown in my face.

Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
-

I am caught up in a world in which completely consumes me.

It is fictional.

It is filled with drama and heartbreak.
Fear, and death.
Hurt, hope and hard-feelings.

My head is split seven ways. And it hurts.
It hurts so badly.

My butt is wet. My car is free. My head is FUCKED.
-

I'm finally feeling good about Christmas.
I feel like I'll make it.

Everything will be okay- I will be able to survive the new year.
I forgot how much I miss the old staff at work- this week has been greatly needed. Filled with dildo zuchinni's, asian pyrogies, 'chocolate rain', watching movies, free food, and the general consensus that the new staff suck.

I love Charlie Brown's Christmas. I feel like I somehow wish for a CB Christmas everyyear and then get too wrapped up in the commercialism of it all.

This year I have no tree. I have no real solid Christmas.

I am divided to fifty different family functions with my factioned family.
I am torn and twisted.
I am pleased at the amount of free food I shall have.

I am irresponsible, and have too many options.
I am hiding from finishing my Christmas shopping.
I really need to sort me out.

Santa. This year- all I want is some self-clarity. Some clear self-reflection.
Please Santa...

-

Everytime I login in- and yet- when I think about deleting my account, making a new one and forgiving the wreck that I used to be- and still am...

I can't do it.

I am confused about what the next four months will hold. I am cold- and fuzzy.


Everything seems like it will pan out and then- I can't help but worry about the ramifications of my actions if I go through with things. It just seems so...

Easy? And yet like such a cop-out.
I fear change- and this is the biggest problem.

I am avoiding going home because it is so filthy I don't know where to start cleaning- and I can't sit there and just leave it and so... I stay out late and only come home to sleep. Or sleep on friends couches. Or the fiends' bed.
I want a Christmas tree.

I want shiny lights.
I want.
I want not to want anymore.
-

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I really want a tree. I miss lights and a clean house and soft shitty jazzy Christmas music. I miss having proper snow.

I am just so...

Not in the Christmas spirit. I am happy though. I feel like everything is slowly falling apart. Falling apart and into a jumbled heap of sense.

I think I know what I'm gonna have to do.
I dream of a quiet one bedroom house, with a Christmas Tree and no cat to mulitate boxsprings, and toilet paper. No more kitty litter pieces on my bed...

I am tired. I am fighting. I am.
A poinsetta.
Beautiful to look at- toxic to eat.
-

Words mean nothing.

Especially when those words aren't even spoken.
-

What the fuck.


I am so angry. I am SO ANGRY. SO MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY.

Crying doesn't even make it feel better. I am so fucking tired of this. I wish people would stop fuckig talking. I'm tired of being happy for people who could give a flying fuck if I even exist. I'm tired of EXPLAINING my sorry ass to EVERYONE.

I am fine. I will BE fine. FINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINISHEDFINE.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

Except you.

You owe me. A life, a story, a kiss, a fucking happily ever after. Sex and Candy. Thats' what my life has turned into.

Sweat and Sugar.

Calories and curled fists.

I am premenstral. That would explain the fucking tears, and the hatred. Noone can do anything right. I'm tired of the filthy apartment, and I want stability. I want two years ago.

Blissful ignorance.

I miss living a life uninterrupted.
-

Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

---------


I am exhausted. And I have seemingly given up the fight. The ability to fight for injustice. I just simply live. I wake up, go to work, eat, go home, eat, see the boy that is mildly indifferent, go to bed alone.

I live in the eye of the storm, living a life that is neither fantastic, nor horrific. I would like to say that I am happy, but I'm slowly becoming fed up. I'm tired of all these stupid expectations.

I want to go home at the end of a shitty day and partake in some bed shaking. I long to walk around stark naked. I desire to be admired, and to do the things I like without fear of judgement.

Reading my shitty comic books

Drinking my sugarfree hot cider

Watching silly depressing movies

Listening to my music

Playing silly RPG videogames

I want. I want. I WANT. WANTWANTWANWTAWATWNAWNANWANT.

I want sleep. I want new tires. I want sex. I want solitude and friendship and acceptance and hesitations and no more debt and bigger paychecks and Fantastia and Chicken Noodle Soup and love.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the positive...
-

It seems like I don't have anything world altering, or thrilling to share. I feel like my life should be snappier.

We live in a world of Current Facebook Updates, and Tweets and yet my life just plods along.

Unlike high school self, sort-of-grown-up-self is not thrilled by every wayward glance, nor is she half as hopeful for a perfect relationship, and no financial worries, and a beautiful home and a great job and the right clothes. She is more realistic than that.

She doesn't have a snappy update for twitter every hour on the hour. Her facebook profile doesn't make me happy, nor sad.

I am average. She is average. Average. Why is that word so devastating? So- unsettling? And yet, if average is just that... then by standard... what is extraordinary?

I am not special. Not really. My interests, my knowledge, is shared by hundreds. Likely more than that. My genetics are slightly unique, but I am just parts of others.

I am me. Which happens to be pretty average.
Perhaps a little more introverted than most.
But wholly uninteresting.
-

Creates the look I dare acheive.
They make me smile, and swoon and check,
Still my beating heart.

They are blue ones,
Gray and orange,
Dance lightly in a wreath.

The knot, tied tight,
Clinches around my windpipe in a lazy sense,
Too tired to try and close the deal.

Too tired to dry and wilt,
Too tired to let me rest.
To sleep.

---

As of late I have been happy. In a romantic sense. By romantic, I mean romantiziced way. I live in a 'state of happiness'. Whatever the fuck that means these days. I guess I refer to the the preversion of self.

I have convinced myself that I am happy; therefore I am happy.

I ramble; therefore I am full of shit.

Chipped teacups. Floral print. Miniature buttons. Wide stripes. Bicycles. Birdcages and effortless tomes.

All things I surround myself mentally with. I am falling down the rabbit hole. Through the looking glass. I am slowly going mad, or coming sane.

These days, who can be certain which is which?
-

I've been waiting to watch 500 Days of Summer for almost a year now. I knew it would be one of those super cute movies, and Joesph Gordon-Levitt is my celeb crush, so how could it be wrong? Right?

It was like watching a fast forward of my life. A slightly altered flashback. A nighttime dream gone bad. I have this sick feeling like that is what I am doomed to. Heartache and woe.

Heartache and woe, heartache and woe.

I wish I was a more positive person. With an upbeat personality and quick witted lines and this unwavering sense of self. One where I knew who I was. Where I was going...

Instead I watch Hollywood movies and let them ruin my day. I am that sad.
-

Bruce Haack has a diiiirty voice.

"Lie Back, Lie Back, Lie Back, Nothing else for you to dooo...."

My birthday was a bust. The wedding was a fabulous drunk. The hangover day made me love him more than ever. And then Monday came and wrecked it all.

I wrecked it all. Why do I feel like I need to lie. It just makes me look guilty. Constantly. It was a simple little thing, but I know it makes him furious; why do I continually do it to myself? And to top it all off...

My bank account got drained by some scum of the earth hackers. Unimpressive. My rent was supposed to come out today, and instead I get an eviction notice. AWESOME.

I want it to be Sunday all over again. Potato Pancakes, and head pats, and dinner like we used to, and secret sleepovers and snuggly-laughs.

My new years resolution... I finally figured it out. I resolve to no longer lie. Not even white lies. Not even clear lies. Not even invisible lies.
I resolve to be up front with how I feel. No matter whose feelings get hurt.

Because I am tired of lying to myself.
-

Awkward.

Things in my life are almost always described as awkward. I suppose one could thusly deduce that I am an awkward sort.
I am so tired as of late, it’s nearly unbearable. It seems like I have a bajillion and twelve things on the go constantly. This month is always the one that stretches me the furthest.

May. The month of birthdays, weddings, graduations, camping, trips and heartache.

How’ve I missed thee.

For my birthday I want a few things:
A debt-free life
New bedding
A day devoted to me.

Perhaps a night of girly dancing and fruit-filled drinks?
Perhaps just a good nights’ sleep.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps I’ll grow up, and old and carelessly carefree.
-

I had the most awful night of my life on Thursday. The events were harmless and yet. Who lost out on an entire night's worth of sleep? Who actually had to break down and tell someone, something truthful about the issues in her life for once?

At first the flattery was nice. Yeah, of course you'd want to date me. Of course. Who wouldn't? I'm pretty okay.

But then when I got home, all I could think of was three years prior. Three years ago when I deluded myself into your games. I couldn't stop thinking about how all I wanted for so long was your attention, and it actually caused me to doubt my current relationship. You truly are an evil sort.

Why do you bother me so much? I am hurt that you would ask me to casually sleep with you. Especially since you knew everything that was going on between me and Spence. This is why I avoided you for so long. You asked why we weren't friends anymore, you say you hate missed opportunities...

And yet you can toy with her emotions. Lead her on, just as you did me. With no worries. No emotion lost.

Well. Kind sir, I'm starting to piece your mindframe together...
I don't want to be with you.

Nope.

For once in my life, I can honestly say that I actually learned my lesson.
-

It’s that time of year again. The time of year where everything shakes up and you start to question why you’re stagnant.
Only not stagnant at all, are you?

No. In fact, your world is still spinning at breakneck speed, whirling out of control, and yet, it’s slowing down and you wonder why it doesn’t spin faster.
You joke constantly about quitting your job, and taking up an eating disorder. Hahaha. So funny. Isn’t it?
Well it certainly would be cheaper than paying for food, just giving it up entirely.

I have no idea what I want to accomplish. I have vague inclinations.
I know what life should entail.
And yet...
Getting what you want is never that easy is it?
Is it?
-

I am.

Entirely.

Classy.

All I want is to vanish for a month. And then I'll be fine. Life'll be on track.

Maybe that's what i'll do.
POOF

and then...
-

Easter was actually phenomenal. In a fabulous and shitty way.

Poor Bee got dumped out of the blue, and hard too. Luckily she has a few friends out here in Redneck Central, she came over for Easter dinner with us. Spent the day on Friday with the Exploding Redhead, and randomly decided to get an industrial.

On a whim. Then it was beer and manly persuits.

Saturday was a day for lost causes, and lost time. PStar built me a beach in my living room. Mexico ain't got nothing on my downtown apartment cabana. I also took Felicity on her first highway cruise, in the dark, out to the Farm.

Got a little intoxicated and had the best drunken snuggles yet.

Sunday ER and I cooked our first Turkey, and it wasn't even a bust! It was delicious and the gravy turned out. Turns out a bottle of Red, and a bottle of White mixed with Diddy is quite halarious.

Sadly our dinner guests were loads more entertaining than HotTub TimeMachine. But the company was good.

When the Wicked Witch of the Wretched moves out and on... My life will be one stones throw away from happiness.
-

The colour you're all dressed in...


Good Mourning is a fabulous cd. I missed it. And subsequently have been listening to it for most of the day.

What's black and white, and read all over?

So now Lindzay is being retarded over this Spencer situation. Is she jealous? All she does is bitch about how he's an awful friend. Did they sleep together? No. Then whats her issue?

I haven't been this happy in months. I felt like a communal water fountain. Want some? Take some. Used and unwanted. I felt like I had no substance, that it was always just a physical desire with these boys. I still maintain for as fucked up as everything has gotten, Spencer understands me best.

Maybe that's why he ran away in the first place.

Maybe I am just being foolish, but I would be quite pleased if this panned out. Our relationship is already better than it was the month before the break-up. Was it space we needed? Or is it just convieniant to be with me. With him?

Fucking doubts. But I suppose that's the price he'll pay for the break-down of my trust.

I don't want doubts. Just care about me. Kiss me goodbye.
Kiss me good.
-

I'm terrified. Scared absolutely shitless. But it seems like Spence and I are making an honest go of things. It's just building that trust, and finding each other, now that we're on slightly different tracks.

It's amazing, we've spent more quality time together in the past week, then the whole last month we were together. Maybe we did need this. I just hope he's not too scared to let himself maybe love me again one day.

I've been loads more optimistic, and hestitantly peachy. Even through the sickness.

The roommate situation is lovely. I love her without strings. All I hope is that this double boy conumdrum settles. Nell, your heart is too precious to hand out to just any bearded fool. I have a good feeling about this one, sometimes they just need a kick in the ass right?

I hope thats' all need.

Well, at least we'll be loved...
-

But don't worry it's a silent 'S'.

Why are all these stupid fuck boys all 'S' names. I'm short a Simon, Scott and a Skylar and I think I might've been persued by every 'S' name in the world.

All I want is simplicity. Contentment. It truly bothers me how dependent I've become on my phone lately. It's mostly healthy, but theres been a few moments where its' more than entirely self-destructive. Take Wednesday night for instance. I was so anxious to hear from you, that I literally made myself nauseated. I had to shut my phone off. OFF. And leave it at home so I wouldn't check it every thirty seconds.

Its' disgusting, and yet. I'm the only one doing to me. No one is even forcing this upon me. Just my snakey self pulling the rug out from under my dainty digits.

I watch myself banging my head into the wall repeatedly, brain matter washing down the white facade... And what am I getting out of this except a vicious headache?
Nothing.

But, maybe...

(The real answer here is nothing)
But...

-

I hate how disorganized I've become.

I need to motivate myself. Holy shit. I am on my way to Las Vegas in a few short weeks to party like a rockstar. I'm planning a haphazard March roadtrip for a weekend. I need my muffler to get fixed so I don't kill myself with CO2 poisoning while driving.

I need to finish moving my shit out of the Hellhole, and into the ghetto. Nellus and I are roommates like nekkid lezzies only dream of. Well...
When we're both home that is.

The Shaun situation is questionable. The Spencer situation is even more so. My upstairs neighbor is cute. And boys are making my life complicated.

I just want a boy that I like. To watch movies with. To snuggle on cold mornings. To enjoy butter chicken and silly dancing on my living room floor.

On who will bring me a single daisy for Valentine's Day, but not for that reason. But instead... just because.

One who doesn't only think of sex, and understands that it will come with time. That right now... It's just sort of...

Not in the cards.

I really only want things that are frivolous and yet meaningful.

I want to have a boy over for tea. To discuss the finer side of civil unrest.

I want...
-

Feigned indifference.



Promotions, and soon I will be a hot jetsetter. I am. Confused.

This Christmas has been pleasent, thus far. I mean, I have managed to avoid the unending stress that this season always manages to fill me with, for the most part anyhow. I am still awesomely poor, but somehow my bills always get paid on time. My fridge always has food in it, my car has gas in its tank, and somehow I am affording three trips in the next three months.

I still don't feel like its, enough? No. I don't know. Something is missing. It feels like something isn't right, and I just can't put my finger on it. But every happy moment, something is missing, even the shittiest moments aren't truly awful.

I'm just indifferent. I could care less for the most part.

I think what I need, is to vanish and start fresh.

Poor life choice Andrea. Perhaps you shouldn't be such a child and run away from everything...
-

It makes me cry.


I've been listening to The Beatles all morning. It's nearly all-encompassing. I feel overwhelmed today. I feel like not enough today. I feel.

I want to sleep for weeks, eat for days, and cry until my eyes ooze from my face. This irrational depressive state is starting to wear at my nerves. As if it is any sort of positive for me.

I would prefer to go home, instead of moping at work. I could finish my book. I could have a nap. I could...

Well. Really. The possibilities are nearly unending.

Remember, Remember the fifth of November.
The gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
should ever be forgot...
Remembrance Day soon approaches. I wonder about how the world has changed so drastically for us. How there is no forcible enlistment. No sad war-torn families. No weeping widows, commonly on the corners.

And yet. And yet.

Sadness is perpetual. At least at times of war, there is hope. And a nation pulls together...

What do we have now. Besides Fat, Consumeristic Complacency?

Depression.
-

That's how I fucking feel.

Meeting here at 7:15, but you also have cover this shift at the centre until lunch time, but I'm going to need you to stop and get these picked up form the copier on the westend before noon, and be to the presentation by 12:20. Did I mention that your coworker called in sick and you have to do it by yourself?

I am streched. I also have three classes during the week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. I'm going to the gym, and I still manage to spend time with the family. I am multi-tasking.

Sure I don't see my man much right now. He's working later than I am, and all we have energy to do is to go to bed when it's all said and done.

But everything will balance right? I don't remember ever being this constantly busy. Training soon, Montreal again. Then again in the spring.

I just want some sweet sweet lovin'. A free latte every once in awhile. Traffic to not be a bitch first thing in the morning.

And above all...

One quiet fucking night.
-

My sister got engaged.
Yup.


I am thrilled for her, though at the same time can't help but wonder...

WHY MUST I ENDURE ALL THIS FUCKING WEDDING TALK?

What sort of satan tortures like this?
The fucking worst kind.
That's what.


If they get married in Europe, I don't think I can go. I can't afford that.

Not with the current price of a Latte.
-

Despite how well we sell ourselves, our program; something always leads to another. Can you be here, at this time? Can you cover this persons' slack, can you pull your priorities here, and make time for this appointment?

Multitasking never was a strong suit of mine, but then again, neither was saying no. So, I suppose that would be why I am in the predicament that I am in currently.

Self inflicted, as always. Overwhelmed and loving it, Hating commuter traffic and all those lovely things like cyclists, pedestrians and gas prices that make the drive home that much more sweaty and loverly.

Andrea, you cannot save them all, no matter how many appointments you make, and extra shifts you pull. Save yourself instead.

That would be the best advice I could give myself, if only I wasn't so stubborn to pay attention.

Hey.

The big people are talking, and you need to focus.
Take notes.
Do whatever you need to do, to understand.

The new twist in my job has me extraordinarily busy, and is killing my slacker tendancies. The divorce that is murdering my brother is draining me emotionally, and I wish he'd just come stay with me until it was all over. And I move into our house in twelve days, you'd never know though because I have yet to pack a single fucking box. I am exhausted, and exhilerated all at once. Spelling mistakes are an added bonus.
You can have those,
for free...

-

I must be an adult.

I have a parking pass for downtown - man, I am a high-roller.


Like the fucking Bill Gates of the non-profit world.

-

OMFG.

Yeah, that's right. I have reverted to disgusting webspeak because I am that excited.

I bought my car. And I have the job.
I am the proud owner of a VW Jetta. It's pretty and has a sunroof and stuff.
Not to mention the wheels factor.

I will post pictures of my hideous beast as soon as I can.
But just for the record...
...I love my car.

Yeah.
Just saying.

You know, in case you were wondering.
-

Did you read Alice in Wonderland growing up?

Familiar with the tale?

I feel like I need an adventure, a trip through the looking glass.

It doesn't even have to be a grand trip, I just need some incentive to get my ass in gear.

Any takers?
-

A Monster Inside.

A song to be played in B flat.
---
Hold my hand, in other words,
Baby, kiss me.

I tell myself day in, and day out,
That I mean nothing (am nothing, am nothing)
But I think it's a lie (why deary)
I feed it to myself morning, noon and twilight
It keeps the self esteem, at bay (miles away)

But this morning something changed
Charlie Brown dance party in my head (turn out the lights)
Hopeful thoughts (put the pedal to the floor, baby)
Misdemeanors and miscreants of my past
(floating like dusty ghosts from shelves I've never seen)

I pack my things up daily (unpack, repack)
Place them delicately in the centre of the room and watch
then wipe away all traces of my touch (fingerprints and empty rows)
and again put my memories on their respective shelves

Day in day out.
Somethings missing.
I saw you again, and then had nightmares.
Is it because I miss you.
Is it regret, I suppose I'm too stupid to ever know, (night windows gleam)
Too stupid and jealous.

Always, always, hallways, always.
---

I'm sorry for everything. Not that you'll ever know, I'm far too stubborn to admit I'm wrong.

But you should already know that in your heart.

Right?
-

Umm... I'd like to say that in a Jr.High, Sr. High setting...
...It's likely not a great idea to leave glaring gay porn on the table in the lunch room.

Especially with Bill 44 being passed.

But mostly in general.

---

What a way to end a Friday afternoon. Nothing says have a great weekend like...
A photo of a man going down on another man.
Or a photo of a rather large penis.

Umm... I'm pretty sure that even Pride Week isn't a good defense for that arguement.
Good thing its Michael's fight not mine.
Because I'm sure I'll still be laughing when Monday rolls around.

Those poor Sudanese ESL students.
Nothing says Welcome to Canada like a huge schlong.

---

Fuck, I'm not productive.
I haven't done a stick of work today. I simply have no drive to be here. Stupid making up of hours. Stupid mandatory staff BBQs, and silly creme based coffee drinks that make my stomach angry. Summer must be here.
Our intern is gone, her last day was today.
She was so happy and crazy positive.
I'll miss her.

She must be older than me, but she seems so little.
Naive.
Untainted, and not bitter.

*jealous*


Big picnic this weekend! not necessarily excited, but sorta.

(PS- I'm starting in two weeks at the hospital! Resident baby-hugger! Talk about an awesome way to spend Saturdays!)
-

I should put pants on.

And stop daydreaming.
Life is about accomplishments.
Not dreams.

I freezing in my own home. Why is the weather trying to convice me to turn the heat back on? Why is it I have no real desire to do anything or go anywhere? I'm still half dressed. It's nearly two in the afternoon.

I blame my lack of drive on the bleak weather.

Aisling, Emmeline, Adele, Siofra, Aedan, Addison, Bell, Emmy, Andrea?

Which will I be today?
-

My music is too loud, and my feet too cold.
I have never been happier.
<3
-

My insides are beginning to swell, and cause my becoming mildly uncomfortable.

I don't know if camping will fare this weekend, it's supposed to snow, and rain and generally be miserable.

I've found myself picking fights with people, more specifically those I surround myself with. Or maybe I'm not, perhaps things are just naturally tense. It's hard to tell through the miserable cold weather.

As a plus, I am going to look at a car, that I'm confident I will buy. It will make attending to appointments much easier, if nothing else.

It's a slum-y car. The kind you drive into the ground.

A four door. With clean uphostery.
What more could a girl ask for?

----

I feel unwelcomed. I feel distressed. I feel...
I feel taken for granted.

I tire of being a good sport.
-

Today my cat got hit by a car.
He, my sexy cat, is right now lying at the vet's in a cold metal cage, sedated.

I've been a nauseous mess all day.

I made it in to work today though... I'm not sure why I bothered.

I walked in the door and proceeded to get in shit. Ummm....
I let you know that I was going to be late. I did not ask for my cat to run down and need nearly $1000 worth of medical care.
You cold heartless bitch.

Don't even ask how my cat is...

I'm sorry you missed your doctor's appointment, I did not make that choice for you. You could have called for coverage. I am not the be all nor end all.

---

Meek should be okay. I hope. I'm off, I need to pick him up.

-

Do you want children?

Do you intend to put a large down payment on your future house?

How do you feel about discipline? Spanking? Grounding?

---

What an odd ideal.


I feel like empty. If you were to cut me open, you'd see too. You'd see that I've clean house and made all sorts of extra space inside of me.

But until that space is filled...
...
...I just feel hollow.

Or hallow.
One of the two.
-

Tortured internally, I have been wrapping myself around the thorns of life.

But at least I can smell the rose above me.

---

A slew of familial issues have consumed my life. I fear the funerals will pile up faster than the suspension referals that are swarming in.

My neice is beautiful, and I seem to offset the dying in my life with the sheer thrill of living that she exudes.

Personally...
Personally though...
I am alright.

I seem to be coping with things the best way I know how. Keeping it inside, and avoiding everyone I possibly can.

Likely very unhealthy, but.

I've begun focusing my energy on my future, I've mapped out the semblance of a plan...
Which is progress.
---
Two years. Two Years.
and I'm off....
-

Ever have mistimed wants?

I mean a want, that you shouldn't wish for at this particular moment?

All the things I desire at this moment, I shouldn't want.
I should want normal things...

Travel, Career, School.

Instead I've figured out that no amount of schooling will tell me what I want out of life...
That all those that think that school will figure it out, and 'why not?', They are just as lost as I am.

There are fifty year old people in this world that still don't know where they are going...

Why do I feel the need to have a plan?
To pre-plan out my destiny...
----

On a positive note.
On January third, I became an auntie. I have a beautiful niece named Madison Lea.

----

I want three things.
And in no particular order.
Happy New Year.
-

Today is a tuesday.
We'll refer to today as Food Poisoning Tuesday, shall we?

Not because I am suffering from it, or will receive it today. But simply because that is what my tired mind decided that I should tell work.

I didn't, mind you.

I considered calling in sick, putting on my best
'i've been throwing up all night'
voice and sleep blissfully for the remainder the day.

My new years resolution is to work out three times a week. So far its been going really well. Turns out this free YMCA plus membership that tags off of my job is pretty well amazing.

Towels and conditioner, Q-Tips and Flat Irons, Coffee and tea, private hot-tub and steam room...
...Razors and shaving cream
...
I literally could live there.

Although I am brutally sore today. I need to slow down, my life has been crazy right since the 19th of December. I want time for myself, so maybe I could finally be a friend. Maybe do some laundry. Maybe even go through my Christmas gifts.
---
The AUNTIE ANDREA countdown has started...
Only 23 days, maybe less...

-

Why isn't centre recognized on my computer as a correct spelling? I live in Canada, where my computer was programmed and peiced together...

And yet I must still spell centre, center.
Centre.

I had a rather sad afternoon. I exchanged words with a worried lover. I peeked on my frantic Nellus.
And then SHE came.

This sad twenty-five year old woman. She was all waddled up in, I'm sure what was all of her clothing. Carrying a beat-up backpack on her back, she was out of breath as she hunched down into one of lobby chairs. She is eight months pregnant.

Her mother in-law just kicked her out onto the streets with no where to go, because her capital housing application was denied, and she doesn't want to look after her anymore.

So here she is. This blatently pregnant woman, who very well may have to have her baby on the streets in the coldest month of the year.

Merry Christmas you cold hearted bitch.
Seriously.

I love my job, but sometimes, I swear I'm just going to start bringing everyone home with me.

Even crazy no-shoe guy.
-

I watched the old school Grinch cartoon last night, and it made me really crave the stupid cliched, worry free and inebriated with happiness, feelings that have filled christmas television shows, and movies for all of these many years.

I want singing, and laughing, and smiles, and sneaky hand-holding.

This year.

This Year.

That is what I wish for, I want to be Cindy Lou Who.




I want to actually finish up my meager Christmas shopping, and trapse through our freshly aquired snow. Dancing to Sinatra and Crosby, swinging my arms and twirling with baubles and garland wrapped around me.

Yup. That's me. Andrea the Christmas gift.
Open me and be doused in hopefulness.
-

Monday heralds in December. We have no snow, I have no tree ornaments, and still need to pay rent.

I am, simply put, tapped.

I wish that I suddenly had money to actually spend on people this year for gifts. But truth is, I'm beat.

I have not a clue in my pretty little head of what I should get Spencer for Christmas.

I want to eat some Alphaghetti I think, the Scooby Doo stuff.
Maybe that will make our bleak winter seem more personable, and allow me to put on some clothes, possibly even get some things done.




I want an address book for Christmas.
-

I sit in my office, and stare out, past the blinking Christmas lights, and ratty old garland.

I look at my calendar, the one with the bright pink post it tab to indicate the date, the one I spend a lot of time staring at.

I look and see that hag Pearl is hovering around my office again...
..Steal my tape...

I was thinking that a semblance of an update would be nice...

What is new in my life?
I moved out from the tyranny of my parents house.

I have a new job for the YMCA, well, newerish, since September... It's pretty fantastic.

I'm going to be an Auntie soon...

My man is gone for three weeks... and I've suffered through half of that already...

My trellis dwelling Nellus and I are set to imbibe and watch some sappy happy chick-flicks.

I flip from personable to miserable without even getting the memo. I feel bad for my co-workers... I'm a little unhinged. I would like to think it's just me being lonely, but I think its a little more specific.
I am tired of taking my shit out on the people who don't deserve it.

-shrug-
I want it all.
-

Thus ends my night of randomness.

you are the best thing that life could have given me

I spent the day reliving eighth grade social studies. The Prince reread, and reinterpreted for the mind of a thirteen year old.

Turned down a pubcrawl, which ended in a face full of pepper spray for my inviter... and a an endearing nickname earned...
Right two-face?

My brother showing up on my doorstep, locked out of mom and dad's place because he had snuck out to see his girlfriend...

The decision to dress like a bar-star to simply walk to McDonald's for a happy meal. Ending in cat walking down the sidewalk in the cold night air.

And now you ask? Beside the numbing empty hole that is gaping in my heart... I'm doing alright. A heap of Snap Peas later, and curling up to watch The Goonies.

I miss my man.
It's not the absence that is hard on me.
It the not knowing...

...The not know that's hard.

Time to wipe off my impromptu raccoon eyes, and my ruby mouth, and tumble haphazardly into the realm of dreaming.
The last place that lies serenely.
-

Andrea's all growed up.


Look at the big girl tumble down the street, happily kicking up clouds of dust in her wake. She leaves friendship strewn in the dirt, and all she sees is endless possibilities ahead.

I'm actually excited about Christmas this year.

Me, the Christmas cynic....
{{{{Insert shopping break}}}}

Ok, back. Christmas gift wrap and bows, and baubles later...

My life is not nearly as interesting as it used to be. Or perhaps, I just have grown up and don't use fancy words, and symbolism to try to appear niftier than I actually am.
-shrugs-
Who knows?

Happiness is contagious, thus is why I love my job.
I've been having dreams about you lately,
ones where you and I are friends again,
and you understand,
and I bash the bitch's face in.

But I suppose such sentiments belong in the wonderlust of dreams.
-

By nature.
From nature.

I don't know what to say.
I'm speechless.
It's uncanny, that after all these years of talking obsessively about nothing, that I have nothing to say.

I can't even shed a tear for you. Not with how this worked out. You can't even imagine.

- - -

So birthdays come, and school starts, and new shoes wear out.

But are we still the same? Do we change at all or does capitalism force us to think that way?

I'm so hungry I can't even ramble some sense out...
-

SSSTTAAAAAARR!

I'm mopey. I'm happy. I'm disinterested.
I don't know what I am.
Andrea.

Lately, I find that I have secluded myself from friends and family. It was lonely, but now...
Now its cumbersome.

Start new work soon, this year will be my definitive. I will finally have the time to see what I really want. If it includes Edmonton, if it includes more school, if it even includes my friends and family.

I find my nature purely parasitic, and because of it, I feel I have ruined many friendships, and many opportunities. I will not do this any more.

I desire the old Andrea. The Andrea who dressed like a hobo, and didn't try to come across as sophisticated and mature by trying to dress the part...
Who still nerded up comic book stores, and read books for FUN, and didn't try to sound pointed and witty while discussing the finer points of Klimt and Titian's artistic careers.

I keep pretending to be someone, hoping that's who I'll end up being.

~~~

When will I just learn to be me, and leave the acting to the primadonnas....
-

So, Here it is.

My signed confession. My red handed apprehension. My size seven footprint at the crime scene.

I am actually starting to enjoy my job, I enjoy going to work in the morning. I enjoy eating my lunch, and walking my meager walks. I enjoy that thrill of when four thirty hits, and it’s almost time to go home. I love little things, like the library calling to let me know my holds are in. I like cooking silly foods, and doing bare necessity laundry, and showering after a long busy, hectic day. I like little things, like calls from friends, and texts from loved ones, and a long hug after a frustrating moment.

Is this me accepting the fact that an adult life is filled with the mundane, and hardship? That yes, indeed, it is possible to find satisfaction within a repetitive and controlled routine?

All I need these days to be living the dream is a place of my own, so I can live my boring yet somehow fulfilling life as a anti-socialite.

That’s all I want.
Minimal school, no more family, and just…

So. Another week gone by, another Friday almost done. This weekend I shall grace the Calgary Zoo with my presence.

I'm hyped.

Twenty, and never been to the Calgary zoo.

Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.
-

I watch the clock, tick away the day...

And that is my day.
---

I miss my best friend, and I miss my ability to sleep until ten, and the ability to do things during the day.

I like the pay check, but I still live at home so, how well am I truely doing?
---

On the inside I am miserable.
I love Spencer, and miss Nellus, and I loathe my family.

WHen will this all change?
-

And wonder why it is in my room, with me,
Naked on a computer chair,
Crossed legged,
Ashamed.

Hiding from a job that I loathe,
That has ruined my weekend,
That has me scared.

-

My family is gone to Jasper for the weekend, the brother has a hockey tournament.
Yesterday night I got the nastiest, and degrading message left by the one ally I thought I had left at work.
It has left me crumbled, and shattered.

I am too scared of what people think.

So as I sit here cold, contemplating...
I feel so immature.

I am actually hiding from her. Just like with the last position I had...
It is so demeaning.


Save me from myself.
-

I don't want to look forward to the mundane anymore. I am tired of looking forward to starting my new job, which will only be good for a week or two and then it will be subject to the same shittiness that all of my jobs end with.

I want to look forward to shiny new purchases, like Spencer's new truck, and fancy new adventures like Nell's summer long Europe trip.

Instead all I look forward to is...
"Hello Premier Vanlines, Andrea speaking, How may I help you?"

I want something new.
-

Take the time, Take the time to move it out...

What a fucktard misery induced hate shit day.
And you know what. All you english majors can fuck Right off... I know that isn't a proper sentence.

How's that.

How can life fuck you over so hardcore, so inevitably and so cruelly....
When you've turned your leaf and attempted to please?

Fuck.

Call it Karma, call it fate, I call it fucked up.
I don't know what I want.
I know what I don't want, and yet....
They aren't the same at all are they?


Make this existence worth something. Anything. Anything at all.
Give me a purpose, and an aptitude.

A skill.
A love.
A desire to keep on.
-

You know, I hate the cliche anti-valentine crap. No one really likes the holiday, get over yourselves.

St. VD Massacre strikes again.
One up from last year even.

And that's a hard one to top.

I hate exams, and snow, and fucking responsibilities.
-

My life has been been pretty good lately. Today was rather horrid, and testy, but it can only look up, right?
I hope so.

Midterm week, before Spring Break.

Three exams and I'm done... Mentally I'm already done, but i'm trying so hard to study.
Can't you tell...
Me blogging and all...
Ahahah....

I cannot wait until Friday afternoon. Say one o'clock. When I have a whole week to myself, no work, just love.

So excited, not even Gerald, or my family can ruin it.
-

Two weeks of the house to ourselves...

And a celebration of one year of calling each another our own...

Culminate tonight.

We celebrated our first anniversary together on Friday, dinner and dancing, and fancy undergarments.
Was fabulous.

Family returns tonight. Breaking up our desired sleeping arrangements...
Back to weekend visitational rights...

We have been spending most of our days playing old Nintendo Gamecube games, and wishing to find the 64 so we could play some quality Zelda...
...Nerds.

I love it.
-

Who feels jealousy's cold hand against their neck...
Who has those doubts...
Those sickening worries...

Not the only one who has been toyed with and tampered upon.

So I hope you can understand. Just as I did for you.
That trust isn't always as straightforward as it might seem.

I have a hideously hard time trusting anyone.
My family, my friends, my co-workers.

I hate having trust issues with the one person that I know loves me...
But here they are.

I have never asked about those before me. Nor will I.
I don't care to know.
I don't want to know the feelings you shared with the others.
All I want to know is that they were there.


All that is important to me is that what we share, is important to you.

And that much I know.
And for that much I am thankful.
Thankful for having you with me in my life.
-

Can leave me well enough alone.
Boo.

Perhaps Christmas would be a pleasant holiday if it wasn't for forceful reminders of why this holiday died for me when I was nine.

I just want photoshop'd proofs of love.
Exams to go to hell in a hand basket.
My wallet to waltz back into my arms.
My love to stop working retarded hours.
Nell's love to make realistic plans for her birthday.

And...

To be happy.
Above all.

I want a Charlie Brown Christmas. With singing, and hopefulness, and happiness, and friendship and lessons learned.

So many hopes for this Christmas...
...I hope they're not dashed to bits on the rocks.
-

It kills time and forces petty judgment to work its way out of me.

I loathe and somehow love it all at the same time.
Gah.

I have on fun paper due on Wednesday,
and a shit oral presentation on Tuesday.

Then this semester will truly die.
A couple of exams and its the holidays.
Excitement?
Yes? No? Not quite.

Sigh. All I want is to be left alone by the torments of familial obligation.

Too much to ask.

Though!!!

Boy wonder agreed to my terms, and this week will show some fanciful proof we exist together.
Joyful Ode Ensues.
-

Sigh.


It won't die.
-

I made a fool of myself today, I went to get my haircut, thinking my appointment was today...

And as a matter of fact,
It wasn't.

I ran in late, blustered and gross...
And the prim and proper girls at the desk laughed at me I'm sure...

I felt like such a tool, and made my getaway as quick as possible...

All I wanted was a feel good haircut, and to go on my date tonight.
Why is what I want never as simple as it sounds?
Never.

I want and want.
Greedy Consumer Whore Me.
-

I paid my dues at city hall today.
My three hours amongst the shame-faced liars and golden-boy winners.
The golden haired sinners.

The pretentious and oh-so-clueless student in the back row, the one in the wool coat and helplessly clutching her grande hazelnut latte, in a childlike demeanor.

That was I. The one who was blatantly unaware that politicians don't actually run our country. Instead it is the invisible administration.


And that was the end to my long weekend of hyped new-ness.

I ended my night with a two hour debate about the state of the world with my beloved. I love our uselessly useful ideas and motivations...

Ka-Boom.
-

That's what I felt like I was tonight.

It's always a positive feeling.




I wonder how Nells' two year fiesta is going.

I'm all over the map tonight...
Goldfish bowl of thoughts....
Big enough to make it hard to be logical,
but small enough that everything circles into the same shit.

-

Lego is the name of the game, and the name of the game is Lego.


We went to Toys-R-Us yesterday.
BIG MISTAKE!!





Hahah.... We spent sixteen hours building Lego our creations.
It was awesome.

We built a ferris wheel, a working crane, a lift bridge, and one sweet ass sweet big rig, it has working hydraulics!

I'm tired. School and another week of the mundane.
Sigh
-

To the beat of you breathing...

Living at home has always been an undesirable position for me. But the longer it seems, I stay, and the older I get...
It grows increasingly ugly.

My mother has turned into a parasitic psycho bitch.
I thank my father for that.
And my father, well. He has some big issues of his own that he'll never deal with, I guess.

Unfortunately, you know, it is sad, because the day that I indeed do move out, not only will it be a glorious day, but it will be the moment that I never look back.

When you are nearly twenty, and your parents give you a ten pm curfew...
...


Ye-ah.

I mean, I'll survive. I always seem to do just fine, no matter how badly I over-react, and think the world is ending...
I will be fine.

But I will not ever regret moving away from my parents.

The same parents who let me parent them on raising my brother, the same parents who cannot deal with their own issues in a positive way, and because of it try and impose restrictions on myself and my brother...

They are some of the most incompetent people I know.




All I can hope is that I do better than they did.
-

And amature cartography....

It's been forever, and a day. I've kinda missed this place. It seems one way or another I seem to return here, no matter how much I tell myself I won't.

Sigh, and oh well.

My life has been at a stand-still for the most part. A transition into adulthood is slowly transforming me. Actual saving of money has been transpiring, and housing applications have been filled out.

It has finally dawned on me, that in one short, short year, I'll have graduated from university and I need to start my own life.
That means moving out, finding a job, etcetera, etcetera.

I find myself questioning many aspects of my life, and learning that the ones I rely on a daily basis to survive have changed.

Can this be growing up?
Party less (If that's possible), and learn to appreciate the changing nature of things.
It must be.

My relationship with Spencer is one I hope never changes. We are balancing forces for each another. This weekend, I saw first-hand what those Hollywood filmmakers attempt to capture with romance movies.

They don't come near to that moment. Not Clark Gable nor Audrey Hepburn could even fathom, what went on.

I am sure of one thing, in my changing self.

I love Spencer Clarke.
What he does to me, how he makes me feel...

And all that jazz...
<3
-

I got paid on Tuesday. No complaints. However, I do have this thought.

My parents are home.
And already the drama begins.

My summer is winding down, I forgot Olesya went off to Kelowna... and I have one more week at work, and then my book at YoWoChAs closes once again.

Then it is a week long vacation with my love.
I look forward to it.
It's going to be awesome.

I am tired, and am going to hit up the Fringe this weekend...
Woot.
Preforming Art.
-

Weekends are cursed.

That conclusion i am sure of.


I didn't hang out with any of my half-hearted friends and fiends this weekend. Again I'm now waiting on a phone call that will come too late. The reason I came home spent forty minutes throwing up in my downstairs bathroom just to go home.

I babysat two damaged teens. And that was my weekend.

Hated, and again a horrid weekend.

Why do I get my hopes up for these two fleeting days?
Always.
-

So, after an avenging evening yesterday, the hatred fever was finally broken. We finally see how we both deal with stress and unimpressed feelings.
Good thing patchwork feeling fixtures are within my back pocket games strata.

I am smiling at my innate and perverse sense of self. I am happy. In an unsure and saddened way.

Friends are awesome.
Family is damned retarded.
Love is sweeter than rock candy.
{though not as hard on the teeth}

Dinner should be awesome. Damned awesome. Oreo dessert...Mmm...Mmm...

I can't wait until September.
Le Sigh
-

Sunburnt to a crisp, and hurting all over. I'm so damned sore. That's the last time the sun and I attempt to be friends.

I had to moor all of my boats, due to the lack of a beach this summer.
That's going to be a real beach all summer for me.

I'm tired and a little cranky, I hate that Spencer works Saturdays and I only get to see him for a few hours. I don't want to share him, and this weekend... especially not with all of his sisters.

I just want to stay home and relax. I'm tired.

But to tell Spencer that...
He's been looking forward to this all week I'm sure.
-

Jiggity Jig!

Until Sunday that is. White Stripes on Saturday!! The bro might not be able to show his face then, so I might be making some mulah off a ticket...

Whoop!!

Because quite honestly, I do need the money. I mean my debts are ever mounting, and pay day is looking quite far. But at least, at last, I can say I am working again!

I hate being gone out of the city, but at the same time, the people are super rad thus far!!

But, I'm going to shower, and start the look good process for my man. I missed him something awful. Argh!!

You know who is supa' hott, supa' fly?
Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Period.

I want her body, her skill.
-

Doss Cunt.

So. As a general heads-up. I hate sleeping in a damp and humid room. With a bajillion mosquitoes, andno warm body next to me at night.

This spring session stuff is for the birds, honestly, so boring, and somehow... exhausting.


Spencer came out today and visited me...
My boss was there... so I didn't cry, but jeez... It sure made me miss him something fierce.

My six days at YoWo... nearly half done.

Tomorrow=Hell
and love,
all in one.

-

My cat is my lover, and my best friend.
All the while he is stupid, retarded, and loathful.

This morning I decided that I would finish reading The Blind Assassin, by Margaret Atwood, in my room downstaris and I learned something.

My cat suffers from severe seperation anxiety.

He broke a wine glass, an ashtray, and dismantled most of the kitchen in an attempt to getr my attention.

Now he's trying to cuddle and love me... while he doesn't understand why I'm so angry.

I swear having a cat is like having a less maintained child....

I leave Saturday morning, I'm half packed. I'm going to miss Spencer so stupidly much.

But, it'll be alright, we'll figure it out. Nellus my doll, is coming over to have a girly movie day with me, while I await the internet people to come and fix my computer...

What a life...

So much waiting.
For what?
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I'm out. I hope against all forms of hope...

Please don't reject my appeal.


As much as I complain about it, I've got nothing except school.

Shit.

12:34

The time I start this entry. Lord have mercy.


In either seventeen, or twenty-four days, I will be back out at YoWoChAs. I look forward to it, but at the same time...

Dread it with my entire being.

But it will work out.
Will school?

I still haven't received a 'get the fuck out of my school' letter yet, and I fear time is running out... I leave soon. This needs to be resolved before I leave for YoWoChAs.

And my funding, and my CYA certs.

Too bad life is never perfect, however hard you close your eyes and try to pretend.
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I'm groggy and a little underminded right now. Thank God for an understanding mother nature.

...Because no one wants to hear that at nineteen...

Not me. Not him. Not now.


Three cheers for great news!

In other news, Carnivale season two ends dramatically, leaving me and my disaster Belle questioning HBO's intentions.

It is supposed to be damned near thirty degrees for the next week, so ask me if I'm going to be leaving the basement...

I'm hungry, and can now eat now that the overbearing stress has been relieved. How can people have these things and be so calm?

Blah.

But, some shorts and a tanktop call my name so I can trek trough the desert to get me a milkshake.

Mmmm....
Sweet Love!
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Wo-ah.

Birthdays.
Mormon Churches.
Wedding Cake fights.
Baby Brawls.

Fuck I hope not. Yay!

School.
No School.
Money, no job.
*Throw up*
Blood, No blood.
*Pass out*
Future
What future.

What a day, what a week, what a month, what a year.

And a family that doesn't care enough to call.

The life of a sad, sadistic girl anomaly, trapped in her own torturous ramblings and blank stares.

The love of a boy who is stability and a world in itself...
...the only thing working well.

To date.
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So another day, another dollar. Birthdays are not of the most exciting calibre in my books.

After this point I just get old. Not so much wise, just old.


Stagnant lifestyle that I lead, I am happy. In an abrupt and miserable way. To be so satisfied with the mundane is nearly sad.

But it makes me easier to please.


Thus is the vicious nature of the birthday candle phenomena.
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So in a depressive attempt to reconnect with with my Montreal bliss trip...
I find myself watching the montreal music channel in my study alone.

Watching about punk bands...
That aren't half bad.

I hate my life before six pm.


Truely, Madly, Deeply.
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