So its wednesday morning.. lets say around.... 9:30 am.. and i am all showered *my hair was soo gross* and dressed *very preppy if i may say so.. pink american eagle top proclaiming my canadian-ness* and made up so ya.. i am good to face the day... i couldn't get to sleep too easily last night... i called nick around 11:30 when he got home from work.. we had talked about me going over to sleep over, so he told me i should come over *he is home by himself for like two weeks* but it would have been a really bad idea.. we are both on different pages and that would be unfair of me to take advantage of the situation... On sunday night he wrote me the cutest email.. Its super sweet and all my friends think i am a moron for not going out with him.. i can see their perspective.. but i wouldn't want someone dating me simply because i wanted to date them.. and i definatly wouldn't want someone dating me because they couldn't get the person they wanted... so i can't go for nick.. its not fair to him.. but.. here is the email... soooo cute!
"Okay. Lol. here we go. Jen you're amazing. Everything about you is so unique. And I love every part of it, as I have gotten to know them over the years. I thought about this so much last night when you were holding on to me. It just felt like I was really at home. So Jen, if you get this drama resolved and are looking for someone..or anything. I'd love to be that something." see.... how sweet is that.. i ahve waited my whole life for someone to feel that for me.. and now when it comes... it kind of sucks because its not from the person i need it from... but anyways i need to get heading to school..
Yay for ISU Projects!
|so i am selfish little brat who is very capable of using people because i like the way it feels.. man i never thought i could be like that but last night i went to nicks house to watch movies, knowing full well how he feels about me but i really wanted to be held.. i made sure first that he knew that i only want to be friends.. that there is nothing more coming form my side.. but again i know how he feels and ya.. so while i was over there we held hands and cuddled and stuff... and for some reason it just wasn't all that good... i thought of eric a tonne and i started to feel really guilty because i know how much it would hurt to be in nicks position.. i mean if you want someone of course you are going to take what you can get! so i ahve decided not to do taht again... plus it could really backfire on me.. i mean nick is my supervisor.. piss of the supervisor and all of a sudden you are getting fired.. not too unlikely! gah! i would hate to lose my job! i love it and i would miss everyone so much! but i need to get ready for school!|
I don't really know why i live in Canada.. I can't handle winter! I always get sad and depressed and in grumpy moods and it sucks... and ya.. I went into work today to check my schedual. I was hoping taht maybe i got next weekend off and i could visit my friend at uni or go to my friend's place in Barrie but of course i don't so thats exciting.. And this weekend i work two 8 hour shifts.. tomorrow is completely with nick :s that is going to be exciting... I have completely made things awkward between us.. I am not sure if i ahve already written about this but last night i went to his house to watch movies and we cuddled on the couch and it completely wasn't the same as cuddling with eric.. I am amazed by emotions more more as the time goes by.. I guess i enjoyed sunday morning so much because i was still very wasted and with out the alcohol enduced "feelings" it just felt weird.. cause he likes me and wants to pursue some and i definatly do not.. so not only did it feel weird, i thought about eric and house nice it would be if it was him holding, and then i started getting really guilty because i was only over there because i like cuddling... gah! anyways i went into work and i got to see eric.. I wrote him an email on monday telling him that i like hima nd i ahven't gottena nything back yet.. he doesn't have a computer because when his brother moved out he took it so i figured he just hadn't gotten it yet.. so i was talking with teri and i told her i sent he an email this morning so we were talking about how nice it is to get random emails and eric made a side comment that he hadn't checked his email in forever.. so i told him i sent him pictures form the party on saturday *very true* so i am hoping maybe that will prompt his email checking so i can get out of this limbo that i ahve put myself in... I ahte being a teenager! what the hell is with all these games we play.. i like him but i don't say anything he likes me but he doesn't say anything and so on and so on.. life would be so much easier if we could be blunt... anyways.. i am an emotional wreck!
C'est la vie.. J'ai lis ma journal aujourd'hui de quand j'etais en belgique et en mars l'année passé j'ai senti les meme chose.. parce que c'etait juste apres le suisse et que les chose a cassé entre will et moi.. juste quel que chose j'ai trouvé interessant
|It still amazes me that i actually have a life now.. It all has to do with my work lol but ya i love it! Friday i worked till 11 and then nick was having a littl party so i went there for a bit.. he was all anti-social and talked on msn to his ex girlfriend trying to figure things out... not that it means anything because i am not interested in him but what if i ahd taken him up on his offer of him being my someone, and yet he still has feelings for his ex.. duh! what was he thinking! silly nick.. and eric was all flrity with me at work but at the party we barely even looked at each other.. i sat by him for a bit waiting for him to make a move or somethng.. it never came so i went and sat with robin.. because i wanted to cuddle but i also figured it would make him at least a little jealous to see me with another guy *oh the games* and then on my way home i decided that the whole eric thing is stupid and its pretty clear that he just isn't interested in me that way because if he was he would have acted on it by now... and then on saturday i worked till 5 and then went to my friend catharine's house for a small little gathering of friends.. there was 6 of us and we all sat around drinking and it was good fun.. i am kind of new at my school aka i went there for grade 11 and then went to belgium for a year and now i am back.. so everyone is younger than me lol but ya there are always a few people that kind of intrigue you and this one guy has always caught my attention and he was at the party and it was cool because we haven't really hung out or talked alot and we really hit it off.. we both were fairly intoxicated *as the night wore on me not so much and him very!* but while we were both buzzing pretty good we were talking french *we are both fluent and i love speaking french when i drink* so that was soo much fun and then we were kind of holding hands *you know the whole playing with their fingers and stuff* and then he started saying that he liked me, and we went outside and he was brushing the hair out of my face and telling me that i am pretty and funny and that he likes me and he was asking me if anything could ever happen between us.. and then he starts telling me how confused he is over his girlfriend! my freakin' luck! he tried kissing me a couple of times and stuff.. but i wasn't going to be the "other girl" *ya right lol i need to be the centre of attention.. not someone's side project* and then he started getting kind of annoying and really... unattractive... vulnerablity is definatly not attractive when you are hitting on someone.. atleast not for me.. so anyways it went no where and then he felt super horrible the next morning.. poor boy... So i have pretty much determined that i ahve other girl syndrom... first eric with his girlfriend and ex-girlfriend and then nick who comes after me just after breaking up with a girl that he "loves" and is nowtrying to get back with and now alex! lol gah! when will i find someone who wants me to be their only girl! lol oh mystery man! i am waiting!|
|Gah! life sucks when you are alone... i have never had so many guys in my life.. or atleast this much action and yet i am still all alone *cries* lol man i am a loser lol... i am just in one of those bad moods.. again i hate winter and i shouldn't live in canada! its retarded! gah! stupid boys! why can't i find a decent one who doesn't have a girlfriend and wants to be with me.. so far i have (or atleast had) one that likes to cuddle with me and holds hands but then goes out and gets a girlfriend and then they break up and blah blah blah he hasn't made a move so obviously besides all the hype i build around it its not going anywhere.. and then the next one i have a history of liking and then not liking just as he likes me.. and so after getting dumped and us sleeping together *sleep sleep* he tells me he really likes me and wants to date me but i don't like him and all i wanted to do was cuddle and then he tries to get back with his girlfriend.... *jerk* and then the last boy tries to kiss me when he has a girlfriend of nine months.. gah!!! when will i be something besides the other girl! gah!!!!!! ok.. so i think that has satisfied my bitching needs lol plus i need to get some hmwk done in a bad way!|