Well, here it is, 2009. Feels about the same I guess-Happy New Year to everyone out there, and best wishes for 2009!
Now to the point of this entry. I suppose, sweetheart, the reason I hurt you lies in my own anger and miserable feelings that hit me sometimes. I get depressed-And when I come home and you're not here, after a bad day, I get angry. Something in my mind says, "Do it-Make her feel some of the hurt you're feeling, make her feel as miserable as u do right now." I know deep down that u can't help not being here right now, I know that. But for some reason that I can't explain, something makes me wants to transfer some of the hurt and depression and anger onto you-sometimes the old saying "misery loves company" rings true with me. I know now that it's a rotten way to have a relationship with someone-hence one of my other New Years resolutions, to find some other outlet for my anger and sometimes mild depression rather than taking it out on you. I know that if you could be here right now with me, you would, in a heartbeat. 2009 will be our year, sweetie-It will be the year we make our move towards living the rest of our lives together. at 35, I feel my best years are behind me-but you are in your prime, and your youth and exuberance are refreshing. I am sure you can help me to enjoy life again-to make me feel invigorated and glad to be alive. I love you dearly, sweetie-and I am very glad to be your man. Here's to 2009-and to us. I love u, so much. xxxx
|For so long I have ignored this-It was something that I considered really none of my business and that you would be just fine. But now I can't ignore it anymore-and it's high time you come face to face with it. It's interfering with the quality of my life and with the way we interact with each other. you have a mental disorder, whether you choose to admit it or not. Possibly bipolar, maybe something else. For so long u have kept it hidden or tried to-but it won't go away. You can blame your moods on me all you like-blame me for whatever, but the truth is that you need help. You need help, and you need treatment and therapy. It will help you lead a normal, healthy life and you will finally be able to come to grips with your past traumas-bipolar and manic depression are normally bought on by some big trauma or tragedy early on in life. I am unable to deal with your rapid mood swings and am unable to help you in the way you need to be helped. Until you get the proper help and treatment and therapy that you need and stop being in denial, I really see no way we can continue with this relationship. I am very sorry-I know this may be harsh to you but it needs to be said. I wish u all the best, Jess-and I truly and sincerely hope you get the help and treatment that u need.|
Well here it is, another end to a good weekend-except I was ill for most of it, bleah-some sort of stomach bug. Well, at least a bit of good news-I'm still employed at least thru this month, but when I pick up those last 4 points I'll be employed till Doomsday-lol. Anyway, honey, glad you're finally leaving there and headed back to your own place-it's for the best, really. I'm glad I was able to help last night-I'm glad you're my girl forever. I love u very very much and want the best for u and us. Have a good rest-Dream of me!
|Just some points I would like to touch on tonight-and btw, I hope that 2009 is going well for all of u out there in Aeonity land. Let me begin by saying that I understand why you were hurt and angry last night-I do, and the last thing I want is for you to wind up in the hospital again. I will say it again, though-you need to find a better way to handle your anger rather than lashing out at me the way u did. I can't have u being like u were last night all the time-there maybe a lot of times you may get upset with me. We need to calmly and rationally talk things out like ppl in a relationship do. Attacking like u did last night only causes me to become hostile and angry and to avoid losing my temper, I leave-what u consider "ignoring". It does neither of us any good, I'm sure u can see that. And I hope that trying to get something across to you is not like trying to get something thru to Faith, which is impossible, lol. Again, I understand why u were hurt, and angry-but attacking is not the answer. I love u very much!|
|ok, fine. Here it is. Yes, we're still good and everything but honey-I explained to you why I ignore you sometimes-I told you I didn't feel like arguing and yet you persisted. It was all I could do to refrain from telling u to stfu. And why am I always the one that has to fucking change for the better as u put it? You have some changes to make as well to yourself. And I know, you'll play your usual little denial game, because to me the only reason you do that is because it makes u comfortable to blame me for everything-that way u don't have to face your own shortcomings and deal with them or even admit u have them. Which brings me to another point-In a relationship, each person should be free to explore thier own interests and passions. I don't have to be glued to your hip, nor you to mine. Anyway, love u-and all this you'll probably read and say whatever and dileberately miss the message I'm trying to convey. I guess we're still good-take care.|