Ruminations
Date: Dec 26th, 2008 10:10:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pensive and stressed


Well here it is, December 26-Soon a new year will be upon us-My where does the time go? I hope everyone out there in Aeonityland had a good Christmas or Hannukah, whatever the case may be.
So-You want to talk and sort things out so we can get back on track, eh? So why do we keep falling offtrack? I know you'll just make up some excuse to take any of the blame off u and put it all on me like u usually do-I read your Myspace messages btw, and I did not misread what Faith sent to me-seems pretty cut and dry to me. She did have a point-that that what u percieve as not caring is exactly what she said-tiredness of the act, the act of "if everything doesn't go my way I'm going to kill myself" act. And if u think Brandy was pissed off at the "xmas" thing, well telling her to fuck off really sent her into a state-I'd stay away from her for a few days if I were you. See, right now, I don't know if I even want to get back on track-I don't really know what my feelings are concerning you. I know your family makes things difficult for you but you seem to be making no effort whatsoever to be strong and to stand up for yourself with them, which in turn, causes one of these "states" of yours. I don't need a basket case by my side, someone who's going to have a meltdown everytime there's an issue or a problem-I need a strong, emotionally mature, and emotionally stable woman by my side that I can count on when things get rough. you have not shown me at all that u can be these things-and I'm not going to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life either, not knowing what's going to set off the bomb that I feel is slowly ticking inside u. I will concede the point that I should have said more to you then nothing when I got home Christmas night-that probably didn't help anything. Let's just say that my faith in you has been severly shaken-and so has my trust since you apparently had sex with some guy named Liam. I just don't know anymore if we can make it together...
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namecalling and other assorted ramblings
Date: Dec 19th, 2008 10:53:26 am - Subscribe
Mood: old


Hello again-1128 am on a overcast and chilly Friday morning-not feeling so great since I have a bit of an upset stomach and I didn't get to sleep until almost 4am this morning. There, that was the "assorted rambling", lol-now on to the meat of this nut. I guess, dear, the reason I am so sensitive to name calling-specifically, the ones that u have called me-is that I led a somewhat rough childhood as far as school was concerned. I know, I know, you'll say we were just kids and kids can be cruel, etc, but this was different. In junior high (6-8th grade) and for about the first year of high school, I was picked on mercilessly. I wasn't by any means popular-I was the short fat kid that everyone loved to pick on. I got called "loser", and "retard" and idiot more times than I care to count. I never fought back, mainly because these kids were older than I was (and bigger), so I just bore it silently. And it hurt, believe me-Not to the point to where I ran home crying everyday, but it did hurt. The retard thing came about because I was diagniosed early on with an actual learning disability as far as math is concerned and I was in special education math classes all thru school. And to these people, "special education" automatically translated into "retard". That sensitivity carried on into adulthood, and even years later, it still hurts-Maybe not to the degree it did back then, but it still does. Even if someone says it in a joking way, I am still very sensitive to it. So when someone I am close to, someone I love very much and care about refers to me in those terms, it stings really bad-that someone of course, being you. I know you think it's silly-but I would appreciate it if you would not refer to me as any of those terms. You can think it all you want, just don't say it-It's all part of respecting the other person's feelings and sensitivities. I love u dear-I hope this clears up some stuff for you, and I hope you are being my strong girl when u go to see your parents. I love u very much,
xxx
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worried..
Date: Dec 6th, 2008 1:57:11 pm - Subscribe
Mood: decent


Hi, another day another entry. It seems that we've hit a bit of a snag, so to speak-I know that you're upset as to what u percieve to be another lie in regards to my ex-And believe me, I am sorry if I hurt u-But I don't understand why you're so upset over something I did in the past before we were even together and dating. You want me to tell u stuff-to not keep things from u-But when I do tell u stuff and let you know everything, you get in a huff and get all mad. Again, I am very sorry if I hurt u-but you have to understand-we weren't even dating nor together then. I love u-I want to be with u, but I don't need u getting mad and upset at me when I do tell u stuff. I love u so much, baby-and I want to be with u forever.
xxx
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a little pensive...
Date: Dec 4th, 2008 5:11:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: exasperated


Well, here I am again on a cold rainy Thursday-skies outside match my mood, lol. I know, baby, that us being long distance is hard on you-I know it is and believe me it is just as hard on me. We have done a great job of making it work thus far-Don't give it up now. January isn't that far away-and then we will have the life u want when u come back to stay. I love u with all my heart, I really do, and I want to be with u forever. On the sibject of sharing feelings-I promise u you're not in this alone. I have told u a lot of stuff since we've been together-I let u know when I am upset, annoyed, etc-and I let u know when something's going on that I don't like or am not comfortable with. And pardon my bluntness-but you're the one that needs to open up more. I complained about this earlier today and it feels like I got blown off. When it's obvious something's bothering u, or you're upset about something, please, talk to me-Don't shut down on me and don't think it's something I can't deal with. We're a couple-We share things and help each other work on things. Keeping it to yourself only makes it worse. Even if it's about me, I want to hear it-I want to help. And as I mentioned above, I share. I do.
Love u very much, honey-Glad you're my girl. xxxx
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YAwn, again
Date: Dec 1st, 2008 8:11:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: jovial


Well, here it is, test day. This afternoon at 130pm I find out if I've prepared enough as everything's on the line here. Although I'll have to find some way to not think about that-I fear it will distract me and I won't remember everything I've studied. I'm confident I will pass this time-I've done the best I could preparing since Halloween-so I'll just have to be happy with it.
Love u so much, baby-Thank you for your belief in me and your continued support. xxxx
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