people. this wont make sense.
Date: Feb 11th, 2006 10:38:26 pm - Subscribe
i guess im just easily irritated or something. i cannot fathom the fact that im not always going to "get" a person. i hate when i think ive had someone completely figured out when i really dont. i think i know what they like, who they like, what they hate, etc but then i discover that im completely wrong about everything. its beginning to become apparent to me that i reveal too much about myself. not secrets or anything like that, but personality traits and tendencies. i contribute too much in hopes of meeting people halfway and expecting them to do the same, but they won't reciprocate. i give and they take but they dont give any. well, they dont give honesty, only enough for me to like them, but not really KNOW them.
from now on, if someone wants to know me, to be friends with me, well then they'll need to offer a piece of themselves to me. i want to know that the people i call my friends really care about our friendship and making an effort towards maintaining it.
i hate winter
Date: Jan 29th, 2006 5:12:12 pm - Subscribe
i cant believe im using this thing again. anyways, ive realized a few important things in the last few weeks.
one is that im not happy where i am right now. i hate this town and i hate this state and i hate this weather. so much. and no its no the typical winter depression most people feel. yes i know, summer will come again and it will be hot and glorious- for a whole 2 months. then things just go back to cold again for 6 months and ill get more depressed. i feel like i wasnt meant to be born here. i feel like i should be somewhere else.
two is that i have absolutely no idea what i want to do with my life. i know most people dont know but i have no idea what general direction to go in. before i know it im going to have to apply to college and with the help of my mom i know everything is going to be in one way or another close by. she'll let me go a few hours away a state or two north or south, but thats not going to make me happy. as much as i love shopping in boston and the appeal of living in some chic apartment in new york city, i realized its really not enough.
three is that i know where i want to be, but i know ill never get there. i always wanted to go to california and go to school at ucla. its always been a dream of mine and i know thats where ill truly be happy. too bad nothing is ever that simple. most people laugh when you tell them you want to travel cross country to go to college. you'll never make it without your friends and family they say. dealing with the distance might not be so hard if people didn't eliminate your chances from the beginning. my mom just gets angry everytime i tell her i want college to be an experience for me. my dad tells me to do what i want but having one parent urge you on and not the other doesnt make a difference either.
i hate this feeling that im going to be trapped here the rest of my life. theres nothing more i want then to live somewhere where summer is endless and the people are just different. i want to wake up and feel like im somewhere where i belong.
and right now thats the last thing i feel.
Date: Aug 12th, 2005 10:34:12 am - Subscribe
so emoblog changed names. i dont think i can even pronounce aeonity correctly....
anyways i dont use this journal anymore. i use my livejournal (h0llywood_hills) instead, and even that i only update on very rare occasions.
Date: Jul 4th, 2005 6:44:36 pm - Subscribe
i wish i lived in a normal sized house like everyone else.
i wish my mom was home more.
i wish my mom didnt make up for not being home by buying me stuff.
i wish people would just hklduhfgkrghfgjkgggg.
i wish i was on vacation.
i wish i didnt have a sore throat.
Date: May 19th, 2005 6:31:02 pm - Subscribe
i stayed home from school. i painted my toes pink. they look pretty. that made me happy.
i dont think i should discuss what has happened. and i also dont think i want to.
ahh nevermind actually.
i just wish people could understand but they dont. none of them do except everyone who was there. and i hate when people gossip and talk about situations like this when they werent even there and have no idea. really they dont..
i just feel alone and traumatized. and no one could imagine how bad it was. no one has any idea really, at all. at all at all at all...i dont know how im ever going to forget what happened. most people never see anything like that in their lives. im so unlucky.
but. there is a little good news. since im going to be staying at the ATLANTIS in the BAHAMAS from july 17-23. this means that i will have to get a PASSPORT and the such. ive never been out of the country before how exciting. and the ocean will be amazingly clear and beautiful. it will be fantastic. but i cant even be happy about that right now. how pathetic.
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