In the half light where we both stand,
In the half light you saw me as I am;
I am a railroad track abandoned
with the sunset forgetting I ever happened.
oh jeff buckley, you read my mind.
word of the wise: don't hook up with older boys.
wow, so it's been a good six, seven months since i've written anything in here.
not really sure what to say... a lot has happened.
that boy i was talking about in the last entry... yeah we broke up lol. he was too clingy for me. but it was nice while it lasted.
then about a month after we broke up i started quasi-dating brendan, who has been a friend of mine for many many years.
that just recently ended. i dont know, it was just a bad relationship. he was definitely the worst boyfriend i have ever had. borderline abusive relationship right there.
so like i've said, a lot has happened. i've lost a few friends, gained a few more, and life has moved on. its my senior year in high school, and i'm really busy with college applications, my job, and school. i'm the assistant music director of the musical, the orchestra, and the accompanist for the chamber choir this year. all that shiz takes up the majority of my time.
but i'm just really excited for this year. everything is falling into place. i can't believe i won't be here this time next year; i'm really going to miss home and new england. but i also can't wait for my life to start. going into music business has been my dream for a very long time, and i'll do whatever it takes to achieve it.
so thats a summary of the last seven months : )
i'll be talking to y'all later!
well my friends, the past week has been quite the trip.
you will NEVER believe what has happened in such a short amount of time. i dont even know where to begin.
i guess at the beginning
winter break started on the 17th. mark left for florida that day after dropping by my house to pick up a few dvds and to say goodbye. ironic, because it really was goodbye.
the next day, saturday, i went over bob's to mend a few things with him and jamie and just hang out because we hadnt since he and jamie started dating. im very glad i went that night. i got to make things well with bob, hang out with a great group of people, including liam. (liam formerly known as the sex god has been mentioned numerous times in previous entries.) we all decided that it would be sweet to make a trip to NYC sometime during that week. i agreed because, well, its the city, and well....liam was going to be there.
that night i went to chaparone a middle school dance at the highschool. there i saw jamie, and reconciled with her that night when i invaded/slept over her house.
monday i left for vermont. which was a lot of fun. got to hang out with my brother, eat fancy food three times a day for four days, and have the best snowboard runs ive ever had down smugglers notch.
liam and i had been talking online a lot at this point, considering he was still in cahoots with sarah, and i was a direct link to sarah. (however the colleen pursuasion skills owned and got him to realize that sarah did not deserve him) he would me while i was in vermont to tell me the details about the trip to the city (because we were going the day after i returned from vermont) and we would end up talking for hours.
returned on thursday.
went to new york on friday with liam, jamie, bob, seth, renee, kyle, and his brother i dont know his name. on the train, liam sat next to me for the two hour ride : ) we talked a lot.
i like the way he looks at me.
mind you, this entire time, i was still with mark.
nyc consisted of central park, grand central, trump tower, china town, virgin megastore, and just a whole lot of chilling out. it was great because we were all just so ecstatic to be in the city without any parents. it was amazing.
the entire time i just wanted to be with liam. there was such physical and emotional tension between us that day. it was unbearable. not to mention he was sending me CRAZY mixed signals. drove me fucking crazy.
the next day we both skipped sarah's birthday party and went to johns surprise party. im glad, because we wouldnt have been able to talk at sarahs because she would have been suspicious.
again, mixed signals. although we did escape from the crowd for an hour or two, just the two of us. i listened to him play guitar (which OMG HES SO GOOD) and i played piano.
then we caught eachother eyes and gosh, i just couldnt stop looking at him.
we talked online after that night and this is how the conversation went
liam: i'm glad we sort of just fell into communication
me: hah, me too
me: you're very easy to relate with
liam: you as well
liam: but you're more than just an ear
liam: but you're more than just an ear
me: what am i?
laim: brilliant, enticing, and strong-willed
me: why, thank you
me: i dont know about that
liam: no thanks needed
liam: well then, you'll just have to trust me
man, hes good.
i mean he is good.
that night we talked, and i asked him why he said i was enticing. he said "under the circumstances, it wouldnt be right to elaborate..." i understood.
i said "hold on, i gotta take care of something."
i picked up my cell phone, called mark, and told him it was over.
went back to liam, and he said "as thrilled as i am on one hand, i feel like i just kicked him in the face."
he told me that enticing basically summed everything up. i was enticing because i was strong-willed in my faith for God, because of my mind, and because i was beautiful.
::cries tears of freaking joy::
told you he was good.
there is such a connection between us. i cant describe it, and even if i tried it wouldnt make any sense to you.
this is good. this is right. this is what ive been waiting for for three years. it is seriously a dream come true. hes everything thing i dreamed he would be, and so much more.
life is so perfect.
not to mention everyone is friends. i talked to mark, and everything is cool with him (which im very glad about, i always liked him as a friend). jamie and i are best friends again, and even chloe and i are friends. i cant believe this.
i hope karma spreads so that youre as happy as i am right now.
la la la la la.
winter break has arrived.
started off with a bang.
woke up, went to the gym, saw old classmates (which was kinda awkward), worked my ass off literally. went to bob's witnesses bizarre triad formations, wore my earplugs, hiked the mountain, couldn't breathe thanks to the -12987498273 degree weather, reveled in the view, eat pizza, played the paper game with gay squids and deer woks, watched middle schoolers go wild for fall out boy and spice girls, invaded jamies house, talked about things we should have talked about three months ago, woke up jamie via jumping on her, ate, played mario kart, and voila. here i am.
tomorrow is vermont. i get to hang out with my lovely brother, which i always enjoy, and eat at my favorite restaurant on church street, which just so happens to be my favorite shopping place. not to mention snowboarding on madonna mountain in smuggler's notch.
i actually dont want to go. which is new for me because i always considered vermont a safe haven.
but why go to your safe haven
when you're happy with where you stand?
hopefully new york by the end of the week. that would be the cherry on top of a soon-to-be fantastic week.
im glad things are back to normal.
you cant get rid of me.
oh yeah, mark is in florida.
and im totally going to break up with him asap because
1. im just not feeling it
2. i dont want to go to prom with him
3. he's really not my type
4. the sex god has returned (aka liam. read past entries if neccessary.)
it could be so perfect.
ps. its midnight and i havent packed for vermont yet.
pps. im leaving at 8 in the morning tomorrow.
i miss him.
i miss him terribly. ive never felt so pathetic in my life.
just reviewing the events of the past two months, i finally can see how it all happened. how could i have missed all the signs? they were right in front of me. of course i should have known that my best friend was betraying me right before my eyes.
it was too much to take. it all happened so fast. next thing i knew i had lost my best friend of 7 years, and him. i took so much time telling him that the timing was not right, that he just moved on by the time i was ready.
and now hes gone.
and hes with her.
and she cares about him. she really does.
and i dont know if he feels the same way about her. i dont know anything anymore.
and i have mark. and hes great. he really is.
i just dont feel it.
i cant make myself feel for mark what i felt for him
and i just know that im going to break down tonight and call him and sound pathetic.
i knew that i didnt feel the same way for mark that i did for him when he said "do you like mark?" and i said "none of your business."
i couldnt lie.
im tired of lying. especially to myself.
i dont know what to do anymore.
So glad to say goodbye
Starting the year without a boyfriend, barely surviving the beast titled ‘midterms’, Church Street and Sweetwaters with my mom, becoming a serial tipper, Jamie and I owning Mixville with our stellar sledding skills, painting my room, and more importantly discovering that my brother’s room is way better than mine, sarah’s bizarre 16th birthday, seeing Irene, falling asleep in sam’s driveway after discovering we didn’t have the stamina to hardcore sled anymore, skipping school with shmama to go snowboarding, finding out that I’ve been replaced.
Lauren’s surprise birthday party, planning on watching the superbowl with Jamie, but ending up watching the mary-kate and ashley movie marathon, matt nathanson with Lauren, my brother crashing into a tree, and myself, on the Vermont mountain slopes, learning how to toeside turn, “being” mark’s valentine.
The beginning of sewing, wanting to go the berklee for the dumbest reason ever, being asked to prom, my chamber orchestra performance at yale, starting javelin and discus in track, being sent the wrong prom dress, hating march.
No idea what happened in april. Sorry folks.
May? Is may a month? That’s news to me.
the sweet end of school, the sweet beginning of band camp.
The bitter end of band camp, getting four teeth pulled.
My stupid pointless birthday, and the pointless beginning of the worst school year of my life.
Tennis, Goshen fair, Christmas on labor day, green day concert
Not going out on Halloween for the first time in 16 years.
Losing a best friend, losing another best friend, gaining insight, the worst Christmas of my entire LIFE, and not being alone at midnight for the first time in 16 years.
A good end to a bad year. A good beginning to a potentially great year.
goodbye 2005, you sucked.
i would just like to announce that
I, Colleen Taylor, have the worst cramps in the world.
im sure you all needed to hear that. really.
im going to try to talk for thirty minutes straight. ive always wanted to write for that period of time, but i dont write nearly as fast as i think. im a very fast thinker. in fact, my lightspeed typing cant even keep up with myself.
see, i already forgot what i was thinking about.
moving on, its monday. but it doesnt feel like monday. but then again, when does it feel like its monday? and what does monday feel like. you can't just bottle it up and store it away. its an in-the-moment sort of thing.
i was sick all weekend, including my snow day on friday. just another sign that life doesnt want to be nice to me. but im sure if i was out and about doing whatever hanging out with mindless individuals, i would have enjoyed myself less than i did this weekend, which was a pretty small amount of fun, might i add. (its only been 2 minutes of typing by the way.)
the 36 hours that i had i took exploring the great indoors (john mayer reference, for the record.), were spent indirectly learning about myself, i suppose. i always love that. i love figuring myself out. it doesnt happen often, but when it does, its like EU- freaking-REKA. ive become so skilled at figuring other people out, that i never stop to think about myself. anyways, my thoughts get carried away easily. back to my weekend:
Winnie the Pooh.
that's right, Winnie the Pooh. what do you think when you hear Winnie the Pooh? yeah, i know, your're saying "uh, bear?" wrong. winnie the pooh has synoptically titled itself as my childhood. innocence. simplicity. the way life should be. i watched the very first episodes of Winnie the Pooh that i have so dearingly saved on those old VHS tapes stored away in a plastic bag in my basement. i originally went down there to see if i could find my tape of the Grinch, and no, not that overrated jim carrey version. the original cartoon version. the good version. thats when i stumbled upon those VHS tapes with the labels falling off. in the spirit of christmas, i couldnt help but wonder if one of those contained my most loved Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too, aka the best christmas movie ever. i found the tape! i did!!! 5 seconds into winnie the pooh painting a christmas tree on his wall, i found out that my dad taped over it with Spinal Tap. for God's sake, who tapes over winnie the pooh with a documentary on how great spinal tap is. really. hearing those 5 second of winnie the pooh's voice, i became curious and had to pop in another tape of pooh. it was the very first episode. the one where he runs out of hunny, and goes up into the tree, trying to get some more. it was fantastic. the next episode was A Day for Eeyore. when i was a kid, that was my absolute favorite one. i loved eeyore. that episode though, theres something about it. maybe its the image of them all sitting down at a table outside with cake and decorations and festive hats that's whistful to me. or maybe its the narrator and the way pooh hops from page to page.
i guess i never realized it before. i couldnt wait to grow up. i really couldnt. i kept thinking "oh just one more year and i'll be like them." - them of course being the many older, much cooler children in the world. if i had known then what i do now, i would want to be a kid forever.
but isnt that what we all want at heart? after all, adults are just children who know too much.
we all know too much.
we could never be children again because we know too much. we could pretend, but we know what lies outside of our blanket-made forts and swingsets. children dont. ignorance truely is bliss.
as for me, i'll always live in the 100 acre woods. right inbetween piglet's house and eeyore's gloomy place, so i can visit him and ponder the way life was when i was old.
its been a half an hour.
i would just like to inform all of you that colleen is out of her depression stage. (colleen being me.)
i have realized that el bob-o (the dumbass from last entry, and the one before that) is not worth my time.
no need to digress.
christmas is coming, and we've already had a considerable amount of snow here in perfect new england.
speaking of, i would just like to say that i will always live in new england because it is the most perfect place in the world. you get the best of four season. its fantastic.
MAN I LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
im really starting to love my new friends better than my old.
my old friends just dont get me anymore, i guess. or rather they just dont want to.
anyways, my good friend lauren and i have a goal to reach- get boyfriends before new years.
ill be damned if i have to spend another new years alone. without a boyfriend. without kissing at midnight.
winter always has, and always will be my favorite season- no matter how crazy people think i am.
life is taking serious turn for the worst.
i dont know what to blame it on; i guess winter. im always depressed during winter.
but its never been this bad, i dont get it. i guess ive got sleep depression. all i do is sleep. in the middle of the day, i just feel like crap, so the only thing to do to make it temporarily go away is to sleep.
but then theres the fact that i'm depressed in my dreams, too.
it just never ends.
i never get a break.
i know it's very unlike me to say, but i feel so far from God.
then again, when have i ever felt close to him. never i guess.
i dont know.
things are just not going the way they are supposed to lately.
he didnt even call me.
i thought he would. i thought he would call me and tell me that he was wrong.
cant even count on him anymore.
i think ill go sleep.
i feel so....
i cant even pick a god damn word to describe this feeling.
this is most definitely the first time ive cried over a guy in about 2 years.
he told me. he said "why cant you just let us be together? we're running out of time"
i was right. hes a senior and he'll be going off to college soon. i thought it over, and i realized that i really cared about. and on a totally different level from anything the terms "like" and "love" include. it was much deeper.
so i told him. i told him i was all in.
and you know what he did?
he took it all back. he said he didnt know what to do anymore. not to mention he also likes my god damn BEST FRIEND. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE LIKES HIM, TOO.
now do you see why i dont like my friends? because all they do is hurt me. all the time.
i fucking hate my friends.
i should have known. i should have seen this coming.
i cannot believe i set myself up for this one.
i just thought, maybe for once in my life i might have it all. i might have someone who genuinely liked me. i might not be involved with middleschool drama shit, for the first time in my life.
it was just right there. right there in front of me.
he told me to grab it, so i did.
and he fucking took it away.
i dont even know what to do with myself.
common thread of thanfulness this year: "i'm thankful for my awesomest friends who are better than YOURS!"
what most people dont take into consideration is the fact that they all talk shit about their "awesomest friends"
they all hate eachother!
and yes, im not going to lie to you, i dont have the best friends in the world. thats just the way it goes.
how i love the hardcore world these days
ps. happy thanksgiving.
sorry about the cynicism
i think i'm going to join the army.
you heard me right. colleen, the girl who people call "the hippie", wants to join the army.
i know, it's crazy.
not to mention, i am so incredibly against war it's unbelievable.
i think it would be a great adventure. spend two years in the army kicking ass, then get your entire college education paid for. despite the minor detail that i could die in the process, the whole thing doesn't sound too bad to me.
i'm in a weird mood right now.
as if you already hadn't noticed.
i figured i need to make an appearance on here, even though i dont really have to time to at the moment.
not too much has been going on--that is, not to much interesting stuff has been going on. my life has been filled with the busy activities of a normal, stressed-out junior in highschool.
the way i see it, your life in highschool could go one of two ways. you could pick the road with no direction, no goals, no aspiration, which leads to heavy down time, a fantastic social life, and a graduation diploma filled with the memories you spent your time creating over the past four years. or, you could pick the road with a goal, an education, and a future, which leads to a more priveleged latter-life.
when i graduate from prep school, i'm going to leave with an education. that's enough for me.
i'm not going to lie, i hate not having the life i used to have-- the crazy parties, the crazy hook ups, the late nights, the memories. i really miss that. but i know that if i still had all of that today, i wouldnt have a secure future. and thats what i want. i want to be able to support myself and not have to rely on finding a husband to work for me.
but lets not get into that.
anyways. there really was no point to this. i just needed to convince myself yet again that my hard work now will pay off later.
heres a homecoming picture. i went to my old school's homecoming with some friends. it was weird to see everyone, but then again, its always weird. but i force myself to do it anyways. good for my social skills, i suppose.
thats bob, me, sam, and kyle.
i made my dress out of a curtain in my room. thats right. i designed it. out of a curtain. take that michael kors.
i need to update.
but i really dont have time now.
maybe by christmas or early december i will.
and im totally being serious about that time frame. im booked solid for the next rest of my life.
i knew there was a reason i stayed away from them for a while. because they confuse the fucking hell out of me.
i slept over sam's house last night. i was so excited because YES i would get to see her brother for the first time since we got drunk and started hitting on eachother. (i guess i should explain that. later)
i get to her house. hes not home. i tought, "ok, maybe he went to a party or something."
11:00 and he walks in the door with a friend. they went to a football game in cheshire. score. the sex god has arrived.
he completely IGNORED ME.
no casually brushing by.
no eye contact.
did he forget that he TOTALLY threw himself at me? did he forget that he held my hand while i was drunk? did he forget that he fell asleep on my fucking boobs and let me run my fingers through his (omg so gorgerous) hair?
how do you just forget the best feeling in the world?
its not possible! its NOT POSSIBLE.
because that feeling is the god damn reason i can't stop thinking about him.
i hate being lonely. and trust me, i am the queen of lonely. its been two years since ive had a boyfriend. i can partially blame that on the fact that i go to an all girl school half an hour away from my house. but i give full credit to my infamous boy toy from fourth grade to eight grade. brendan. i loved to break his heart. of course until he took mine and fed it to the wolves. he got smart. he figured me out and used it against me. i hated that about him. he always knew what was going on in my head even though i didnt. he still does.
he was the first guy to actually put more than a dent on my heart. to make a long LONG neverending story short, in the end he chose my best friend over me. they ended up going out for almost a year. needless to say, the girl and i are no longer best friends. in fact, she is my infamous arch enemy. god, she such a bitch.
enough about her
brendan broke my fucking heart. he made me bitter, cynical, and suspicious of every boy. i havent had a boyfriend since because i dont trust them, i dont believe that they could actually care about me, and i know that it would never last. nothing ever does! COME ON PEOPLE! love is the slight of hand that people call magic because it makes them feel better. BLAGH.
i hate brendan. i hate talking about him. it pisses me off. i hate that he was my first kiss. i hate that he was my best kiss. i hate that he was my first love. i hate that my best friend was his first love. i hate that he still flirts with me and acts like hes not. i need to stop talking about him
i digressed a bit. ok actually a lot. i didnt get to finish my long story about jon (sam's brother).
but i just need to stop thinking right now. ill finish that story later.
and one more thing.
i hate that its finally fall and the cold outside has made me cold inside.
and i hate that i cant hate fall because i love every minute of it.
today was a ___ day.
feel free to fill in the blank with whatever word tickles your fancy.
because you name it, that was how my day was.
just one of those days.
on the bright side, my friend informed me that he brother offered to go to formal with me.
should i shriek now, or later?
blagh. i dont know what to say. i know, i havent updated in a while. whatever.
question: is it bad that i'm in serious lust with my best friends brother? is it bad that he feels the same way about me?
anyways, here are some new pictures. i look a lot different for some reason.
i think im wearing this dress to homecoming (not at my school). but i need to get a different dress for fall formal (which is at my school).
maybe i should work on getting a date to formal first, considering that we're not allowed to go unless we bring a guy.
gotta love all girl prep school.
seems as if i only update when im in one of my moods as i like to call it. as i said to bob:
EarthboundBob: So how are you this night?
omgz colleens on: im ok. i could be better. im in one of my moods again
EarthboundBob: What kind?
omgz colleens on: my moods in which i am extremely cynical. i think too much about everything and i hate communicating with childish people.
it must be unnatural to hate people as much as i do. i just dont like talking to people. i find too much to hate about them. and its not one of those things where i think im just the greatest person alive and everyone loves me. im sure people hate me, but thats not the point. the point is that i accept it. and that, my friend, is whats wrong with the world. people cannot accept that they are not universally loved.
see what i mean?
i didnt even mean to go on a rant there. it just happened.
i think too much. about everything. i noticed a lot today. i think i learned a lot about seemingly insignificant people. partly because im too observant, partly because i was looking. take my mother for example. i noticed that she is extremely tempermental for someone who everyone think has the sun shine out of her ass. shes fake, two-faced, and bored with her life. half the time shes yelling at me just because she needs someone to blame. sure, maybe if i put my dishes away, it would be the perfect american dream household. but who wants that?
funny how i spend my days, isnt it? analyzing personalities to the point where i hate everyone.
i think im going to dye my hair a deep red. for my own personal satisfaction.
its been a while.
quite a while, actually.
im back for the summer, though.
hey! heres a prom picture.
i swear, ill update later.
colleen has a livejournal what?