surreal_ze's Blog

~looking out~
Date: Jul 9th, 2006 3:44:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: somber






My definiton of content~



surreal
Comments: (0)

hiding once again...
Date: Jul 9th, 2006 3:31:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: inadequate


from people, places, lousy moods, unhappy people, life....period.

looks down at my lap and lets the tears fall...
perhaps tomarrow will bring light...

surreal
Comments: (0)

~torn and hurting~
Date: Jul 9th, 2006 3:25:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: incredulous


I need to get this off my chest and lighten the load upon my heart - Looking down I shake my head finding myself thinking never in a thousand years would i have thought just 2 years ago I would find myself head over heals infatuated and very much in love with someone as sorely as I now am. I kept the wall of aloofness up for nearly 4 years, and out of the blue and totally not out seeking it, i met a gentleman in a chat room that intrigued me, piqued my interest immensely, gained my respect rather quickly, and at the end of our conversation I found myself somewhat both agitated and panicked that it had to come to an end 'that early morning' ...looks down reflecting...

This was a year and a half ago, and this gentleman's name is Rick, and He is the love of my life, who I come in the door from work and seek out immediately and find peace and comfort and yes, happiness with.

Now comes the insane part...tears...Rick lives in Germany. I live in the USA. Rick and I talk every day. He calls me on the phone. He has asked me to come to Him in Germany. I agreed and He has been busting His ass to make ready a place and be ready for my arrival.

Yesterday We had an argument....looks out the window in tears... over me coloring my hair after He commented appx a month ago that He "didn't want me doing so", because of placing chemicals and the likes onto my person. (The history behind that comment is that I am a cancer survivor who has ran the gamut with chemo, surgery, and radiation therapy). But Rick knows that I would not place any more poison in or upon my person after all that i've gone through. I use an all natural Henna Rinse on my hair and have done so for several years to cover up the gray starting at my Widows Peak and traces on the sides ...call it pride, conceit, whatever - simply put I am not ready to deal with feeling and looking like a HAG yet.

Rick looked at me on cam yesterday and went very silent - when i questioned it, His only comment to me was "your hair". Then came "I'm at a loss for words - I just can't believe you went ahead and did it anyway. I'm very hurt".

He says I completely set His feelings aside as nonimportant. I countered back with "You've cared for and loved me all this time for who I am and how I've looked until a month ago when I told You I had a few errands to run, one of them being to stop at the beauty supply and pick up hair coloring, and out of nowhere You told me You did not want me to continue coloring My hair - period. "

I sat on my end encredulous, confused, pissed, and yes very hurt thinking to myself I've been doing this for how many years? I open up to Him and share my daily activities in full only to start being told what I can and cannot do any longer, one of them being my choice of appearance and how I see fit to groom myself. In the drop of a hat I now found myself cowerinig, feeling less than, feeling as though He felt I was either (1) not making sound choices regarding my personal grooming, or (2) He felt my decisions and/or judgement just straight sucks I mean what the fu_k am i suppose to think or feel when all of a sudden what I've been doing all along for a year and a half is suddenly no longer acceptable or good enough?

Am I losing my flippin mind and making too much of this or what? tears...whatever happened to unconditional love?
Comments: (0)

~grinz sheepishly~
Date: Jun 29th, 2006 6:08:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: amazed


- got the avatar thingie figured out... amazing what angels can learn here on earth (hehehe)

Brite Blessings
~sz~
Comments: (1)

new to Aeonity and tesitng the waters...
Date: Jun 29th, 2006 5:08:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: distracted


Smiles - have been looking for a place to call my lil space - thinx i've come upon it finally - more to come in the following days!

Brite Blessings to All ~ sz
Comments: (3)