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Yesterday, when I got home from school, my mom handed something to me. My "fixed" laptop. So, I'm like, cool! I wanna play Sims 2! (For those of you who haven't read the blog on the button breaking on my laptop, the button that pops out the internet card ripped into the card slot, rendering it useless and in peices. Not only that, but I accidently left my Sims cd in the drive... I was lucky when I found it was still in there.) OKay, so I start playing, but there is no sound. ...alright, maybe it's on mute.... So, I exit Sims 2 and check out the Volume controls.... no, there's nothing. Everything is up and nothing is muted. Maybe it's a driver issue ... No driver issue. Well, what the fuck! So, I call up the Geek Squad at BestBuy because they hold my warenty. The guy who answered the phone was like, "Have you checked to see if it is muted?" He doubts my knowledge. "Well, go to device manager...." I already checked for x's and !'s ... nothing. "Well, then I guess you should bring it in." The first guy who looked at it had the same knowledge as me when it comes to computers. He checked out the volume controls, he uninstalled the driver and reinstalled the one from Microsoft. He even plugged speakers in, but got nothing. So then he calls this girl with red hair and is crosseyed. She plays around with it, checks to see if there are any microsoft updates. There are, but nothing of what we are looking for. She calls this other guy and he tells her that he think that they should send it back for a redo. I got my Sims 2 CD out of it, though. But, since it is a redo, it's a priority and will be handled right away. |
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Fever. Ocassional shakes. I've felt like shit for a while, now. But I'm sure most of it has been mental. I think today is a day for a cold shower. |
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I feel a little better. Other than being sick and missing my laptop terribly, mentally, I've been feeling a lot better. Though most of you will hate the fact that I'm talking with my ex again. And we've been talking like we were friends... Something that has been gone for a long while. I mean, with Dest gone and out of my life, finally, I've felt a little better. I haven't focused on the bad. I haven't cried. Okay, so I did cut, but the urge is gone. I mean, gone. Not nagging in the back of my head. I talked to Chris. I told him how I felt. *Not about him, because then he would never talk to me again, for sure.* But on how much it hurt to have him simply shut me out of his life and how long it took me to realize it wasn't my fault that he shut the door on me. And I feel better telling him. I feel better that I was able to talk to someone, no matter how much I thought friends have failed me. I was talking to someone about it, not even realizing that they were my friend and they were there for me then and now. Even if it's only online and he doesn't even bother to look at me in real life, I have someone I can talk to ... and I've always been better to talk online than in person.. __________________ My blog is not a secret one. I've told people about it and they just didn't bother to remember it. But, with Dest, that was a true secret blog. One meant to be kept away ... you know? Dest has the link. As far as I know. She could be reading every thing I've written. And you know what. I'd be glad if she and everyone else did. Everything on here is what I've failed to say to people in real life. __________________ And the song listed above is awesome. I mean, it's so beautiful. It kinda reminds me of Ken Ichijouji. You'd like it if you like Three Days Grace's Drown, you'd like this. Only, this one is more mystic and lovely, whereas TDG is angry and mean. lolz |
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..... Guess what.... I sent that laptop back out for a redo LAST Friday. I called today, and they JUST sent it out of Best Buy to their HQ in Chicago. BITCHMOTHERFUCKER! What did they do, get everyone within reach to take a look at it before they realized it should get shipped? .... *grrr* I dressed kinda girly today. I didn't wear my normal baggy jeans, baggy teeshirt/sweatshirt. I wore these jeans that were sorta tight, but not really. I love these pair because the zipper is HUGE! I also wore my Happy Bunny T-Shirt "Cute But Psycho" without a large sweatshirt over it. LikeWHOAH ______________ Okay, so my day started off bad, because my mom started to get mad at me? WHY? Because she didn't know why I didn't want so celebrate my "sweet" 16. WHY? Because I see no reason in forcing people to spend time with you. When I was younger, my mom would throw a Super Bowl party for her friends and their kids. Maybe I was simply stupid then, but it took me a while to realize that most of the kids there who I thought were there for me, were only there because their parents made them. Two years ago, I had a small thing where we went out to eat and then went to Sports N Games. I invited a few people, but only two showed up. Last year, I decided that I wasn't going to do anything, but Lisa wanted to. She was going to have it at her house, and we were gonna watch some Asian film w/ subtitles. No one showed up. I don't want to have to go through that again. I hated it. Why even celebrate a birthday? So, April was over this morning (so we could go to school) and my friend, MJ, was going to have a big Sweet 16. She had a fancy invite, also. My mom started whole arguement over it until I cried. I told April how I felt. It's funny... When people feel bad about you, they pay a whole lot more attention to you. |
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Maybe I'm being stupid. I just don't want to have a birthday party. I don't want people to be in my space when they don't want to. Parties aren't my thing. When is anyone going to understand that? I'm being stupid, I know it. But, I've been scolded enough with birthday parties. My mental stability isn't strong enough to survive another one. Was crying when I got to school, and now my French teacher won't leave me alone. She did, though, give me a little Snickers bar in an attempt to cheer me up. It did. And by the time the period was over, I was feeling a lot better. Nothing can make you feel better than chocolate. Jim, from my french class is bothering me about it. I don't know why. It's a birthday.... it would probably be better if it was a death day. |
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Okay, so I caved in. I'm going to have a small thing where about ten or so people are going. It's going to be at this Hawaiian place across the river from here. Lees Hawaiian Islander. It's really cool. My close friends are coming, but I don't think Chris will. I don't think that would be right. His girlfriend hates me, and he probably has plans for his Sat. night. He is a good friend, one who I have been able to call a friend for a long time, but, given the circumstances, I'd understand if he couldn't. I did put them through hell for a while. I'm also not asking Dest to go. She is not on my good side, and I don't think she ever will. Ya know? And at every party she's been at, she's ended up crying because Tom's called her or some stupid shit like that. Problems follow her, and I'm trying to get away from that. So far, three people are deffinate on going, so, either way, I'm beating last years record. Yay? I hope this year is going to be better |
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It's not just a rumor! It's something! It's real! You wanna know why it's real? Because V-Jump says it is. Because every Digimon site around is practically throwing a fit! omg.... I hope it is a continuation of 02.... or that Ken is in it.... I just want Ken. Ken Ken Ken. I'd marry Ken if I could. Did you know that you can IM me on MrsKenIchijouji ..... I didn't choose that name for nothing, ya know? omg.... It's REAL! DIGIMON SAVORS!!!! omg.... I can not wait. I WANT KEN! |
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And this time, it was just me ... my personality that fucked up. Kristine almost hates me. Because I didn't tell her when I cut. Because Destiny told her I fucking lied. That I was sitting here with a secret blog writting on how I wanted to die and hate my life. IF ANYONE ASKED ME, I WOULDN'T LIE! I DIDN'T LIE! I didn't say anything, no one asked ... How can I lie? I mean, I'm getting better. Slowly, they are stopping. It's not every day that I'm wanting to cut. Not every hour. Not every minute. I'm over that. Now it's just the small things that I am working out. I am trying to get away from the drama, but I can't. I'm trying to get the conflicts out, but now I turn around and they are back. .... Jeez ... It almost makes you wanna cut ..... ^ That was a joke ....... |
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So, I haven't been on lately. There's some stuff going on that is taking me away from the computer. I'm getting help for my problems and thoughts. I'm doing this all voluntary, and I'm not regretting it. So, yay! I had a whole article prepared, but the [age went all evil on me and I'm not starting it over. Basically, I was pulled out of school, evaluated, and now I'm in therapy. Maybe someday I'll put yesterday and today together, but not now.... NOT AGAIN!. Oh, and my mom is really mad at me. I don't know .... but she is. I'm getting help and I'm doing this all on my own. I'm not being forced. I'm sorta happy now. Things can only get better.... hopefully |
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The last couple of days have been interesting to say the least. On Wednesday, I got into a fight with Kristine and Destiny. Destiny was saying that I was a liar or something like that, because I have a "secret" blog and how I wrote about wanting to kill myself and cutting myself on it. I told Kristine that I don't want to live, but I'm not doing shit about it. And I basically told Dest to go eff herself. Later that day, Kristine was talking to me about the blog, and I gave her the link. I let her look through it and I didn't care. It was when she yelled at me, calling me a hypocrite and a fake for having it and getting mad at Dest, where I started getting upset. I'm not mad at Dest for cutting. Jesus, I'm mad at her for the whole Tom thing. I know she's working on the cutting. She's told me time and time again. It's just the Tom part that pisses me the fuck off. Kristine wanted me to promise her that I wouldn't cut ever again. I told her I couldn't promise her that. I told her that I would make an effort, more than the one I am making right now, but I couldn't lie to her. Chris was also talking to me, telling me that I am doing fine, that I shouldn't be worried about Kris and everything. When I got off-line, I couldn't stop crying and I wanted to kill myself. But I was too afraid, still, so I sat there with the thought and cut up my legs (something I haven't done since 7th grade). I wanted to call Kristine and make a point, but I can't remember that point. I ended up telling her everything that happened since I signed off-line. She said that she wanted to help me, and would go down to guidance with or without me. She asked me if I would get mad if she went, and I was honest when I said that I wouldn't. She said that she would call me back. After she hung up, I tried calling Chris, but the line was busy. I must have tried over 14 times, but thankfully? the line never cleared up. I wanted to talk to him. I don't know why. Normally whevever we talked, I'd feel better, and I needed something other than cutting to feel better at the time. Kristine called me back, asking me if I would go down with her to guidance tomorrow. I told her I would. She said that Dest was worried about me. Brain cells connected and I realized that they were talking about what I told Kristine. She told me to talk to Dest, she didn't ask me, she told me. So I did. And when there was dead air after I called her, I hung up and tried Kristine back. I almost didn't go to school the next day. I was afraid. I did not not want to get help, I just didn't know what to expect. But I went. I got my books for first period and never made it. I sat in guidance until second period, more like until my mom came to the school. Guidance told her everything. I just sat there and nooded. She was mad at me, she didn't believe them, and she is still mad at me. The whole time I was wondering if I would be able to make it to the Mock Trial trip the the Essex County Court House. I didn't want to miss it, and since the competition is on Monday, it was sorta important for me to go. I was mad at myself for going to guidance when I had things to do, places where I promised to be. I had to go to the ER for an evaluation, and they would determine on whether or not I would be able to go back to school and what would happen from there on. I had to get into a gown that tied in the back. When I got into the room, some blonde was there. She realized how uncomfortable I was in the gown, and got another one for me to wear as a coat. She was nice, and didn't have an analogy to go with everything she said, like my guidance counselor. She asked me question like, "why would I cut, where would I do it, how long have I been doing it, when would I normally do it, anything happen lately, and why did I go to guidance?" By now, I have the answers in my head, because five thousand people asked me between guidance and getting the forms filled out at the ER desk. She left, and I sat there in the boring room. There was nothing on the walls, only a chair and a bed that I sat on. There wasn't even a handle on the door. I guess that's the point of Isolation Bay #7. About 15 to 25 minutes passed, and this guy with a poor grasp of the English language came in. I guess he was the person to validate the blonde's ideas, because he asked me the same questions that she did, only in his broken English (I didn't like him that much). He said that someone will come in to perform a check-up. I got all nervous, because I hate check-ups. I didn't even let my old boyfriend look at me like some of these doctors do.... I was sitting there for another 10-20 or so minutes But all this chick did was listen to my heart and lungs. No biggie..... Only, when she left, there was silence for another 20 to 30 someodd minutes. The blonde came back in and sat down to talk to me. She asked me if I was open to out-patient therapy. I told her I was. And I was, anything to put the last three years behind me. She said that I would be allowed back into school, and that I have an appointment with a therapist the next day. I was allowed to leave. I wanted to go back to school. There was 2 periods left in the school-day, and I wanted to be in them. But, that wasn't going to happen. My mom dropped me off at home and went back to the school. I did end up going on the Mock Trial trip and to the Band Concert. School the next day was cut short, because I had an appointment with a therapist or something like that at 1:30 but had to be there at 12:30 to fill out papers and crap. After doing that and waiting, this guy came out and ushered us into his room. It was another evaluation. He even said that my itching may be caused by anxiety or something like that. I also need to get a million tests done before the 8th. They need to see how my body chemetry is. Good luck to them. He said that they might not prescribe me anti-depressants, but the tests are needed anyways. My mom was still mad at me, and took offense when the guy started asking her questions. She was also wondering if our insurance would cover everything. I thought I was supposed to meet a therapist. My guidance counselor said that I need to make a connection with the person to get the most I can out of therapy. I guess meeting the actual person helps, too! By the time I got out, school ended and Mock Trial was about to start. I made it to that meeting, too. Mr Ross asked me why I wasn't in class, and I told him and everyone else who asked that I had a Dr.'s appointment to go with not feeling well the day before. Yesterday was my birthday. At 7, we all met at Lees Hawaiian Islander, and had so much fun. I'm glad I had it. Though, my mom is still mad at me. She didn't talk to me much, and threw my gift at me. Today I had lunch with my uncle and his girlfriend. We caught up a lot, and he gave me 30 bucks for my b-day. Peggy is nice, and a lot like his wife. The similarities are creepy. If his wife wasn't dead, I would have thought that was her. So, the last couple of days have been.... interesting. Thanks for reading this far. You're probably the only one |