I did something yesterday. A big something. And there may be consequences to my actions that I am worrying about. I wish I could just enjoy them.
I feel like a whore. 1 month. And already.
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So, yeah. I wanna write, and I am going to... once I find something to write about. lolz I did something yesterday. A big something. And there may be consequences to my actions that I am worrying about. I wish I could just enjoy them. I feel like a whore. 1 month. And already. |
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Okay, now I'm a whore. I seriously feel like cutting, and I think I might give in sometime soon. I made a promise to Harry that I won't, but it's hard. I'm just glad I went this long without doing it. It's been a week. And I've thought about it a lot since the last time. I want out of therapy, but I know I need it. Though, I think I need it. Obviously. I can't beleive that I fell back into cutting. I thought I was stronger than that. |
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I'm scared about some certain things right now. It's the fact that I don't know something that will change my life. And I'm worried for nothing, I know. But, I'll find out on the 15th of May. Whoah. Anywho. Evaluation on Monday from lovely Dhaibar. Joy. Oh. Joy. I thought about leaving, but this place is too good to leave. I love it here, and I don't know why I thought about leaving. ______ Edit: Not that much scared anymore. lolz |
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I'm going out today. 'Cause today is one month and one day. Yay. I wouldn've done something yesterday, but Harry had to be a boyscout and make fires. |
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So, yeah. I think Harry and I need to slow down, 'cause lately, things haven't been good. iono. We both have our moods. Well, I have a mood, he has a corner. And I sorta got mad at him at the wrong time, and sorta snapped, and that didn't help last night's conversation at all. He felt bad for the rest of the night. iono. there is this tone in his voice that pisses me the fuck off, and I've been quite about it for a while, but I wan't in the mood yesterday. I told him, more like threatened him, to not talk to me like a child. He does when he thinks something is wrong with me or when I try to tell him something bad about me, mostly about my cutting. Things don't seem to be good right now. iono if it is me or him, and I have this feeling it's me. I wish I hadn't said some of the things I did, also. I told him that he needs help. Help that I can't give him. Professional help. Because his moods are worse than mine, and they scare me. Really, they do. Erik had his moods, and every time, I was afraid that he'd drive into a river or something. When Harry hung up on me, I was scared. I talked to him today, and things didn't seem the same. Everything seems wrong. And the only one to blame is me. |
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and it didn't burn. This is a first for me, 'cause I can't cook for shit. I made scrambled eggs. iono if that counts, but I made it on my own with no help. Don't ask me if it was good or not, it was for my mom. lolz. This is a milestone for me! |
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I have a half brother. I just found out. ___ I hope it's true, though. My uncle is being vague and my mom is deniying the whole thing. Something in me just wants this to be true |
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yay for me. I'm in the hotel right now. I can't swim 'cause I have my period and that is uncomfortable for me. I talked to my mom about the half-brother thing. Well, sorta. She told me he was married once before. And he had a son with her. And then something happened, and he never saw the kid again. iono. I'm going to ask my uncle more about it. I think my mom said that he was married. Oh wells. |
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I screamed a lot yesterday on the rides. I went on a lot. I screamed a lot. Now, I can't talk really well. I had fun. Yep. |
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I miss the way a lot of things have been. I miss Erik, a lot. I miss the people I used to hang out with. I miss the free time I had to write. I am, though, happy that someone can love me. I'm happy that I can love them back. I don't miss the lonliness and constant depression. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I remember when I tried changing myself, but it turns out that I did very little and didn't get far. I want to attempt it again--the changing part. |
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I feel so unsure about everything lately. Like, is this person ignoring me or is it in my head? Is that person doing that on purpose? Some people that I used to be close with have drifted away, and I'm trying to hold onto them. I don't think Harry wants to talk to me today. He isn't feeling well. I really can use someone to talk to right now. |
Yep. It's true. Since I was out all day, I can't be with Harry, Maddy, and Dest. Of course, if my mom knew what I did all day, I would understand her not letting me see the daylight.  So, yeah. I wonder when she is going to let me have a life. Most people my age don't care that they are out all day, but I do. It's because she'll tisk and sigh and never get over the fact that I'm going to be leaving in a few years, that I am old enough to lead a life that doesn't involve her. It's her problem, not mine--WHY do I care?! I really can't wait to get out of this house, again. Everyone that I talk to is having a life. What the fuck. I'm seeing X3 on Monday after the Memorial Day "parade." It really isn't a parade. I think last year I almost passed out. This year I have the banner. YAY ME! The marching band is also getting 500usd for playing Happy Birthday to some old lady. Not bad. lolz. So, yeah. A life update by me. GO ME! |
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Iono why, but my mom wants to get the duo. I just wanted a mouse for the computer 'cause I broke one, the other was glitchy, and I have this old one that has sticky stuff on it. It is really pretty. It's bluetooth enabled. My mom can sync her phone with the computer since she has a RAZR. I'm getting it today. I have a gift card for Best Buy that I'm going to use and some Dicount Coupons 'cause we're cool like that. The rest my mom says she'll get. Saweet. http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=7393723&productCategoryId=pcmcat23300050004&type=product&tab=1&id=1124432186576 Bluetooth 2.0 + EDR (Enhanced Data Rate) wireless technology with mini receiver connects to your USB port and allows use of other Bluetooth-enabled devices with your PC; support for Widcomm BTW 5.0 and Microsoft XP SP2 Bluetooth stacks; up to 60' range SecureConnect technology means keyboard and mouse are already paired to the mini receiver, providing a secure link to your computer and allowing you to use everything right out of the box LCD keyboard display shows notification of new instant messages or e-mail, application information, date and time and caps lock status Touch-sensitive media controls and programmable smart keys to launch your favorite applications, Web sites or folders One-touch synchronization with Bluetooth cell phones and PDAs lets you sync your PC calendar and address book with your Bluetooth-enabled mobile device Rechargeable MX 5000 laser mouse delivers fast precision tracking; extended battery life Tilt scroll wheel plus zoom for side-to-side scrolling and in and out zoom Right-handed comfort grip for extra comfort during use Illuminated battery indicators on both keyboard and mouse let you know when it's time to recharge Includes USB Bluetooth mini receiver, base station with AC adapter, 4 AA batteries, software CD-ROM and quick-start guide |
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OKay.... I got it .... and I'm kinda happy with it. The keyboard is going to take some getting used to, but that's normal. I'm waiting for the mouse to charge. I still haven't figured out how to use it, yet. lolz. The software/drivers came on a blank CD. Yes, a blank CD. Therefor I have to spend five ******* hours downloading it. That is my only complaint so far. _________________ Software doesn't work. Mouse is defective. I have to take the whole thing back to best-buy. Fucking great. |