I have no idea what is going on, and I don't like it.
Somewhere between period three and four, Dest was "removed from school" and she "may be going back to the hospital." That what she said to me--and that is it. Her boyfriend, the boy who is GOD compared to Tom, cut himself for reasons unknown. He was pulled from school.
Dest has tried to hurt herself in school before, and that was one of the reasons she was kicked out the second time, but I don't think that is it. Even though she is online, she won't tell me anything. She'll tell Alison and Trish, but she won't tell me, the girl she calls her best-friend
After school, it kinda hit me, and I couldn't stop crying. Not only that, but I had to go to computer club, we had to report to the band room at 4, and my god damn band shit and socks was home. Yay for me.
So, I'm sitting outside because if I'm inside and doing this shit, Mr Haase will see me and won't leave me alone. After a while, I calmed down a but and was just sitting there, but guess who walks by. Yeah--Him. So, he stops and is like, "You're friends with Destiny, right?" Well, duh. He asks me what is going on, and I start crying, so I bet I'm going to be having him on my tail for a while now. He's like, "if you want help, I can get it."
Naw, that's okay, I have NTH for that--at least they won't call me back and bother me like the Student Services does.
Right now, I'm waiting for her to respond. I doubt she will tell me anything that isn't diluted bullshit, so, whatever.
As for Chris, he broke up with his girlfriend. GREAT! .... now he has a crush on someone and wants to chase after that. GREAT! After all that, after I lost a friend, after I waited for him and his girlfriend to end, he chases after someone else. JUST FUCKING GREAT! I hope they are fucking happy together and he knocks her up so they are stuck together and there is another bastard kid in his fucking family tree that will do the same shit he does to his own generation. Mother fucker.
... so, yeah.
In good news, the MB is doing great. We got 1st on Saturday and an encore at the Block Party today. yay.
tahksikYuck Fou--I'm not a hypocrite! Oct 4th, 2005 8:18:05 pm - Subscribe
Okay, so, I'm still not talking to Dest, nor have I finished telling her what is on my mind. But, the whole thing with Chris was resolved when I talked to him about it.
I found out who he was thinking about, and it is more of an insult to me than anything. Heehee.
So, yeah, going against every bit of help everyone offered to me, I am going back out with him. I really want this to work. He is my best friend, closer than Dest--considering the past year.
Mr. Haase is looking at me funny now. Today, in band class, he asked me how I was doing (which is a shock, normally all I get out of him is a nod and a greeting) and if I was feeling better. I didn't lie to him. He must have caught the Evil Eye I used while staring at Dest's boyfriend.
Eric thinks that I was the one who went to Guidance and told about him cutting himself. I WISH! Jesus! If I knew that Dest cut herself, I would have ran down to the fucking Social Worker. I only found out when she tried justifying the chaos from yesterday.
She said that she was working on the cutting part--but look how that is going. As soon as her boyfriend doesn't answer her, she runs off and pulls that shit-again.
I'm so mad at her, it isn't even funny.
All of this tension is making me shake. I was working with Heena in Math Class, and I was holding the page so I could flip it back and forth. Heena started yelling at me because I couldn't hold the fucking page still. So, I told her to shut the fuck up, and she just stared at me like I was the Devil.
I don't care. Me and Heena have a love/hate relationship. We love to hate each other. heehee.
tahksikWhat the fuck happened? Oct 5th, 2005 11:29:03 pm - Subscribe
So, today was grand. Just GRAND!
I don't know what is up with Chris, but he's been gone for a long time. He practically lives online. He didn't even stay after school with me like he said. *sigh*
Me and my mom got into an "altercation" last night, and some lovely words were exchanged. I was getting frustrated, she was drunk, what else is new?! I couldn't sleep because I think I'm getting an alergic reaction to something, and I can't sleep because my legs are icthy and stuff like that.
She takes this time to talk down to me until I start crying. And when I do, she is just like, "Boo-hoo, I'm disgusting, boo-hoo, I'm ugly, boo-hoo, I'm fat."
Why should she be surprised when she waked up, not by me, but when her TV flashes on and the volume is raised. Why should she be surprised when I go to April for a ride and not the other way around.
tahksikI don't know what I should do Oct 7th, 2005 12:16:54 am - Subscribe
Chris has chosen to refrain from using the internet and read the bible. First off, the internet is his life, and everyday (except Sunday) he is online and talks to me.
Normally, whenever we talk (normally he'd call me), we'd talk until 11ish.
Usually, he'd hang out afterschool until Marching band ended.
Hell, he used to talk to me.
I guess I'm trying to ignore the subtle hints he's trying to throw at me.
I just feel like I'm ignored, and not only by him. Dest used to tell me everything. (then again, she also used to try to make me feel better when she knew I cut.)
I've lost 2 best friends in three days. Joy.
(And, just for you, Shh, I'm refraining from dropping the f-bomb. Maybe I should work on the teen angst.)
edit around 9ish
I think he's going back out with his ex. On his myspace (stabstabstabstab) his recent blog says that he is gone for his own reasons. . . . whatever.
I'm trying not to care and want to beleive that what he wrote wasn't a slap in my face, but it's kinda hard.
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Mood: lovely
The song that never ends: Cold --some hard rock band
tahksikKick*slam*smack*glare Oct 7th, 2005 10:30:50 pm - Subscribe
I got rid of some of my frustrations this morning. As soon as I got into school, I saw the new couple.
What do you think that I did?
I drew my foot back and kicked him like a soccer ball, walked to my locker, slammed some things around, smacked my fist on her locker, and glared at them as I left.
What ever. Jackie is like, I have no idea what is going on . . . blah blah blah. . . . a whole bunch of bullshit.
I'm getting better at the whole silent treatment thing, so I'm not backing down yet.
What Chris did was fucked up. He didn't even tell me he was going back out with her. He slowly shut me out until I couldn't talk to him or see him. After he told me he loved me. After everything he said and did, after basically telling everyone that we were together again and when I was happy for once, he turned around and went back out with her.
This past week was all of last year in a bottle. The only reason why I didn't cut myself is because that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world.
The Sims 2 is really the only thing that is making me happy. I mean, I like playing it, micromanaging their lives into hell, and doing it until I'm HAPPY!
So, yeah.
I'm getting pulled slowly into Myspace.com again. EVIL! (If you have one, I'm Lost My Will To ♥. Also, if you wanna have some fun, Find Xecutioner and Private Message him INTO HELL!!!!! HA HA HA!)
So, the Parade went well. For 1 hour and a half, I held the stupid banner! My arms HURT! OMG! And, not only that, my leg started cramping up. Pain!!! PAIN!
The Competition was great. We lost to second by .33 of a point, which isn't that bad. It had to be indoors 'cause of the rain, so it was a Stand Still.
Our Visuals kicked BOOTY!!! HA HA HA!
On the Busride home, I stood up and looked at the sleeping person behind me and announced to the people, "I wonder what Jackie would do if I started to ring her neck."
I've been out of it lately. This doesn't help for Marching Band practice. I missed a lot of crashes and cymbol rolls 'cause Hogan playing the cowbell pulled me into a trance.
Thinking that things will get better is stupid. Thinking that things will get better in my favor is completely insane, maybe even wreckless or dangerous.
Kinda like manslaughter.
At least they're not making out infront of my locker anymore.
You know what is funny. This really cool Freshman is sitting at our lunch table. When I say really cool, I mean sadistic and hot, but you know what I mean. His name is Dameon. . . . How awsome is THAT!
Now, if this blog does not prove that my hormones want me to go over the edge, I don't know what does.
So, I should go. I wanna listen to this song that I'm hooked on. heehee. It's by A Perfect Circle, I think. Counting Sheep like Bodies to the Rythm of the War Drums. Or something like that.
I might change the banner to something I'm using for my guild. I'm the leader of a neopets guild. Not only that, I am the leader of the most popular Evanescence guild. How fucking awsome is that?! heh.
So, yeah.
I need to stop the So, yeah stuff. It's starting to bother me.
So.......... yeah.
Tomorrow I can sleep in. Practice isn't until 12. Thank you PSATs. heh. I'm not taking them. I was not informed of them--at all. So, whatever. I have the sucky teachers. I really don't care about them. Most of the expensive places require them. I am not smart enough for those places, and I really don't need what they offer.
I'll probably do the November ones, though. That's how sad I am. But, people are sadder, 'cause they'll waste 36 bucks to get scores that most schools don't look at.
I don't care. Plus--THEY'LL BE THERE. I don't need to take a test and resist the urge to shove a pencil through one of their eyes. ARGH!
tahksikUp and down up and down up and down up and down and up and DOWN Oct 17th, 2005 8:33:47 pm - Subscribe
So, yeah.
Our competition didn't go as we hoped. The judge was really critical. He even took points off 'cause the wind knocked the drum set's base drum off the cart. I was able to help Freda, but the fucking judge was all, "Hey, you might wanna check your stuff before you send them out."
I know Freda is going to say something, blaming the people who set it up.
I swear, if he dares to say one thing about it, I will blow up in his face. I set the set up, and it was fine until the WIND came along. It was really windy. I mean, REALLY.
Not only that, but the rest of my section is just as fed up with the battery. The last time I checked, they were supposed to be helping us set up and bring things out. Since they were told, they did it once. That one time they did it was when they were told. Oh, and LORD FORBID we ask them for help.
Hogan was saying on how she doesn't want to be in Marching Band because of it. Because of the shit that goes on. Well, if she and the rest of them took time to commit their music to memory instead of fucking around, if she bothered to do her job as Captain and reminded her self that she has a role to fill, if stoped blaming other things for her failures, then she'd probably be very happy with the band.
I hope she leaves. Then, April will go for Captain and I will go for Pit Lt..
Whatever.
Today was okay. I have Mock Trial tomorrow, which should be fun. Then, after that, I have Marching band. If Freda dares to say a word, I swear.....
Whatever. They're dweebs.
heehee
My Uncle, you know, the fat and mean one that I don't like very much. I talked about him in an entry before (I am Mrs. Bond -- or something like that).
Anyways, that stupid fuck has found a way out of his apartment. Not only that, he found a way to save up his money.
That stupid IDIOT wants to become homeless. Most people try to avoid that, but not him. He's a retard. He thinks this will help. He also said that he thought this through. *That is not a powerful statement.*
You wanna know how I know this?
He told me.
He also told me to keep it between him and me.
Yeah, right. I didn't even hang up with him and I had my cell in my hands, waiting to call my mom.
I have a feeling that one of two things will come out of this. That stupid fuck is going to live with us, or my mom is going to have him committed. I'm not sure what. She didn't give him the inner key for a reason, you know. He once took some of my mom's PRICELESS silverware, handed down through the family, and sold it for a hundred bucks.
If he does, I am bringing everything I need with me and I'M going to live outside. Fuck that! All I need is my laptop and my blanket, and I'll LIVE!
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Mood: psycho
The song that never ends: Count Sheep Like Bodies to the Rythm of the War Drums
tahksikThe one day we can all get away with wanting to be dead. Oct 18th, 2005 2:35:47 am - Subscribe
MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME WILL KICK YOU ASS!
I have a cloak and everything! And it is sexy without being slutty! So, suxxors on you!
My cloak is sexy. haha!
I have this dress. It's like the night gowns from the 1800s, only it hangs off the shoulder. But, over it goes this corteset like apron that kicks but. The cloak is velvet and matched the apron thing. heehee. It's like a blood red kinda thing.
When I go to the weeny party, I'll get a picture and take some. My friend is going to have a party. He throws awsome partys, and he always has Filipino food there. heehee. His house is perfect for entertaining, too. And his mother and father are ALWAYS offering food and making sure everyone eats. Not only that, but he lives across the street from these abandoned buildings. They're gonna knock them down, but they were fun to explore while they were still standing. (Even though you had to jump through a window and pray it didn't fall apart as you did. My name is somewhere in there, iono where though.
There is five people in the Pit. There is a Marimba, cart full of pit stuff, cart full of drumset stuff, crash stand, base drum, bass amp, and 2 congas to be brought out. Walking normally to the field would take three minutes. The two carts and basedrum has broken wheels. Mr. Haase is trying to fix the basedrum, but having to lift it and walk across a muddy field takes time.
Now, one of these members just stops once he's taken one thing out. Now we're at four people to take 7 things out in less than 15 minutes.
Maybe if the FUCKING battery would help us like they were told, we'd be able to get out in 15 minutes.
Maybe if they didn't look at us when we are starting to set up 35 minutes later and did something about it, we wouldn't be so mad at them.
Not only that, but our instructor started yelling at us about it. She told us tp stand at attention the whole time. She was so angry at us for "taking out time and talking" that she didn't even wanna hear it. We need to communicate so we can get this things going. We weren't talking about our day, we weren't having fun and telling jokes.
The whole time I stood at attention, I prayed that God would let her choke on her fucking string cheese.
This whole thing just makes me shake. I am going to Mr. Hasse tomorrow.
It's not that I don't think it's fair, it's just that if they did what they were told, this shit wouldn't be going on.
Those thoughts have been coming back. The ones where cutting myself is the best answer and killing myself will solve everything. Panic attacks are more often, and even a bad day can trigger them.
I think I should add another page to my letters to myself. When I was in my funk the last go around, I wrote about three pages of everything that was bothering me. I think I can add on another couple of pages.
Destiny wants to help her boyfriend, who happened to pick up cutting--how ironic. I wish she'd help herself first. I don't care about him. He was supposed to be good for her. He was supposed to be helping her.
This time around--I wanna find away to stop it that doesn't involve more medicine. I stopped anti-depressants because I was fake on them. I'm thinking that I was happier being fake than being so upset and being myself. I'm an angry person. I don't know if I grew up like this, having it being masked by anti-depressants. (Not many Doctors would give them to kids, but my Dr [ evil wench ] thought I was a special case. I guess it worked.)
Actually, I stopped them 'cause my mom wanted to stop them. I don't know why.
Having that bitch walk around and comment everything I do doesn't help.
Sorry I haven't been on much. There's been nothing to write about. I had school, practice, and mock trial. Writing about those would just include me repeating myself.
tahksikThey THINK they won Oct 25th, 2005 12:26:22 am - Subscribe
Okay, so, over this weekend, we had NJ Regionals. Once again, we took 1st place. Our score was an 83.6 (unsure of it exactly). Mr. Haase isn't happy with it, 'cause there were mistakes that shouldn't have happened. I'm sure this week is going to be hell, 'cause Championships are this weekend.
To understand, there are 2 groups. Non-Competitive and Competitive. This is because Mr. Haase wants to build up members so when we go to Group 2, we have more than enough to sound like the rest of them. I am in noncompetitive 'cause I suck.
So, well, the crash cymbols are a peice of shit. I mean, they suck as cymbols and the handles are always falling off. So, guess what happens after the percussion solo in song one? They fall apart. Dest can't fix them 'cause she has to play, so, she is all like, "HELP ME!"
So, like a tiger, I'm all swiftly trying to get in and fix them, because they need the box stitch to stay. Afterwards, Jackie (whorefuckardbitch) is getting ready to use them, and she looks worried 'cause they she thinks they are gonna fall.
I don't even want to get into what I heard about my favorite couple. It just makes me sick. Just let me tell you one thing. I hope the condom breaks.
In Law 1, we started mock trials. Me, being bitchy, entered re-direct, re-re-direct, and even re-re-re-direct until Mr. Ross asked me to stop.
tahksikAnother Friendship ruined. Oct 28th, 2005 7:23:04 pm - Subscribe
Destiny hates me. I mean, she would probably be happy if I was never in her life again.
I found out she cut from her (ex)boyfriend. 28 times for the 28 god damn days they were together. I almost had a stroke when I found out. So, when he told me, I turned around and asked my Band Director for a pass to the social worker.
He told Destiny in the hallways, so she went after me. She kept telling me how it wasn't my business, how I shouldn't get involved, her parents already know (bullshit), there's nothing wrong.
I get to the office, and he isn't there, so, I'm gonna walk to Guidance 'cause that is where he should be. That is when she told me is wasn't my business, again, and I yelled at her.
She's been refusing help. She can't see that she needs it. I look at her everyday and wish she would stop refusing the help and being mad at the things around her! They are there to help and protect her--but she doesn't wanna realize that. I think she'll be happier being fucked up!
So, I continue walking, she continues to follow me. I don't know what happens, but he shows up and she is all panicky, so he asks her what is wrong. That is where I took the time to say, "She cut herself, she's been cutting herself."
So, that is where she took the time to hit me.
I know she managed her way out of it, I know that she isn't going to get more help, or anything like that. She was out inbetween period 6 and 8. This all happened in period three, she wasn't out 4/5, because she never showed up in class.
She probably thinks I was going to do it so I can be a bitch. We got into a verbal argument yesterday, and that was one thing, but I think what I did will 'cause her to hate me forever.
So, I have gym after this, and I'm gonna cry. I did cry, and when I did, there was actually someone there who cared. Kristine is really nice, and we've become friends lately. I mean, really nice. I told her what happened, and she was there. What a shocker.
Later on in the day, she was asking Dest what was wrong, I don't know why, I'm kinda past caring. She took the time to tell Dest that I was doing it because I was worried and stuff like that.
I don't think Dest wants to talk to me anymore, and I kinda get that. But--I don't want her to think that I was doing this because we were bitching at each other yesterday. Of all the things--!
Today is Homecoming and Andrew's Halloween Party. Dest is going to be at both. I don't know what is going to happen.
My mom took some full shots of me, but she has no idea what she is doing. . . heehee . . . the lighting isn't really good. When I can get to the bathroom, I will take a better shot of me in my costume.
So, yeah.
whoosh! I ATE TOO MUCH
I didn't go Trick or Treatin' 'cause I'm lazy like that, and I got candy at home because my mom turns off the light at 8. So, there is more for me and my pillow case.
