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My Blogs


tahksik Good Morning! - Subscribe
It stopped raining, but other places around me are expecting rain and lots of it. Lucky them. I love the rain, and it makes me happy to turn down the music and listen to it. My ex-boyfriend says that it makes me a depressing person, but, he is not one to talk.

Seriously--how is rain bad? You stay out in the sun, you get sunburn and cancer. Years of radiation and worrying are ahead of you because you used the wrong SPF while at the beach. Now, if you stay out in the rain, you get a cold, and you are back on your feet in about a week. How about that!

My name is Ashley. I am tall, I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and I think I am 134 pounds. I love music with a passion, and I listen to it everyday. Right now, I am listening to Evanescence, which does not change much. I guess I like hard rock. Like, System of a Down, Slipknot (who are going soft), I love Taproot, Brand New, and more that I can't think of right now.

I would like to be a social worker, hopfully specializing in Family and Children. I want to work in a school or clinic, leaning more toward the school.

I left xanga in hopes of finding something smaller and different--you know, something that my friends had no idea about! Xanga was filled with rude bastards. Seriously. My ex-boyfriend is there, for example. The one guy who said he would die for me that is now dating the new bassdrum player for out marching band is there with her and ALL of her friends. *angry cry*

Today, I am going to a friends house to go swimming. We don't care if it is raining out. We're wet anyways. The only time we care is when there is lightning. That is when we run out of the pool and hide inside, wondering 14 minutes later if it is safe.

It should be fun, and I will have pictures! Yay!
1 Comments
Mood: slaphappy

tahksik My friends are going to kill me Jul 7th, 2005 2:31:11 pm - Subscribe
I love my friends--I really do. But, they are the reason why my Doctor asks me why I stress over things. I think it would be one friend in particular that makes me was to strangle something that breathes.

She says she listens to me, but I don't think so. I told her that I cared for her, that she was my best friend. She ignores it and me. The sad thing is that she is my best friend. My closest friend is distant from me.

She makes herself depressed. And I think she does it for attention. I could say, "stupid emo, go kill yourself," and she will stop what she is doing and say how it isn't funny.

We all know she tried killing herself--more then I know, for sure. But, she is the one that constantly points it out when anything related to the topic comes up. The next time she does it, I think I'm going to snap.

She isn't the only depressed one in the damned school. I'm going to turn around to her and just yell. "We know, Destiny, now shut up."

Before she got sent to High Focus, she was fine. But, now that it is in her head that there is something wrong, it won't leave. She won't let it go, and she is the one making herself depressed. (Her then boyfriend put it into her head that she was fat, but he is an asshole.)

Not only that, but she is the one who won't let her ex-boyfriend go. He abused her, and she is the one who won't let him go. That son of a bitch threatened to slit the necks of her friends (and I think I'm at the top of the list for telling him off) and then kill her.

We tried to push her to go to the cops. We were so close to finally having that asshole behing bars or in an institution. . . but then she backs out. She only went half way.

We went down to guidance, and talked to the detective at the school. She only told them about the threat. We wanted her to tell them about the rape, but she wouldn't. I told the detective when the councelor talked to her in private. He couldn't do anything unless she told them.

In the end, she didn't press charges. She ended up talking to him on the phone that night, making friends once more.

If anyone can not see my stress in this whole thing, then you need to read it again.

I'm hungry.

heehee.
3 Comments
Mood: blasphemous

tahksik Pool Party! Jul 8th, 2005 1:27:09 am - Subscribe
My friend is moving to Texas soon, and, she invited us over to her pool and eat her food! How nice!

So, I took pictures like crazy

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We had to wait because her father put something in the pool during the morning, so, around 2:30, we were able to go in. Until then, we did kareoke and Mario Party.

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We ate a LOT of junk food. Chips, Soda, Dip that was like God, and these fudge cookies that did not have peanut butter in them, against popular beleif.

After we ate chips and hotdogs, we went swimming. The sad thing was, there was this white stuff floating at the surface.

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A closer look

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We didn't know what the hell it was. It looked yellow-ish and just didn't go away. Andrew, the only guy there, was using the skimmer to mix it around. I was using a plastic cup because he wouldn't share.

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So, after a while, we figured it was safe and it was just bubbles. . . we were going to be swimming in them anyways. So, when no one wanted to go in, we grabbed onto the first person and went to throw them in. Sadly, Dianne was the first victim.

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Destiny and Ace practically fought her into the pool. It was funny, especially when she latched onto Ace with her toes.

Next was Mary-Ann

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I couldn't take many pictures of us trying to teach Lisa to swim because I was in the pool and my camera was dying. Lisa was on the crew team, but she can not swim. The Passic River is so poluted and "ghetto" you'll go in with two eyes and come out with three. One time, the crew team found a dead body. A Dead Body

Lisa can't even do the doggie paddle. That is human instinct to flop around the surface--and she can't even do that! We were trying to show her how to float on her stomach so it could help her when she swims around. We accomplished something there, and she can make it to the other side of the pool, but still, there is work that needs to be done.

Ace couldn't go into the water because she fell off a scooter and hurt her arm, so, she hung around. Somehow, she slipped away and could be found playing Mario. Destiny left and played with her. I think.

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Destiny, Andew, and Dianne all have more pictures. When I get them, I will show you more. Like, when they were playing keep away in the pool with Viki's apple. We knew tossing it to April was a bad idea, but, we did it anyway and it fell in. Andew swore it was fine after he took a bite into it.

Our conversation kept going to Nair, Rasors, and Veet. I guess when you have a bunch of girls wearing bathing suits, it is bound to come up. I was saying on how Nair isn't that good when being compared to shaving. It doesn't keep the hair off longer because one day, I used Nair on one leg, and shaved the other (I didn't have enough time!). They both look the same, and the razor was kinda dull. Nair smells, too. Not in a good way, either. More in an Arnie way.

We talked smack about a lot of people. I mean, we talked about people we knew from 4th grade who moved away, for hell's sake. It was funny, though, talking with people about OTHER people.

It was fun. Since no one has any idea on what I look like, here you go! The lighting in this room is okay, but, it doesn't show how white I am. I'm like dead white--sick white. When I get a picture of me at the pool party, I'll show you, compared to my dark skinned friends (I hang out with a bunch of Asians).

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This is me now.
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This is a picture I took before I cut my hair a while back. I was a little chubbier then, but, what-ever.

Well, I have to go. I promised my friends I would try Veet, and I will. . . . heehee.


I got a picture from my friend of me and her. I have a funny look on my face because she just jumped on me and I'm asking her what the fuck she was doing.
it's huge
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I'm really white. . . . like. . . . dead. Dianne wanted to get that sunless tanner, but, then I would look like an Ompa Lumpa!
This is my last edit--I promise!
1 Comments
Mood: zonked
The song that never ends: There is nothing in my future, so, nothing as of now.

tahksik Dreams about yesterday Jul 8th, 2005 2:01:25 pm - Subscribe
I think my dreams reflected on some of the things I saw yesterday. There was two, because I woke up around 7 and fell back asleep.

The first one was the one I hated the most. You know on those reality shows, they would have these people with similar problems and they would try to change them? Well, take that and remove the whole television part of it.

The first one's theme was self image. Of course, Dest was there, and so was this other girl I know. The other girl, who right now is pregnant, was worried about the way pregnancy would ruin her body. But, in the dream, she didn't look all that different.

The second one was more about me. The theme was fear. Laura, Angelica, and some made up people were there with me. I didn't get far into it, though. I'm a scared person and I'll worry about everything. Maybe I dreamed about that because I'm still afraid of what Dest might do. I don't know. I thought a little about it before I went back to sleep, so, maybe that is what caused it to happen.

In some of the pictures, you could see cuts on her legs. The ones on her shins are old, but, the ones on her thighs are new and fresh. I wanted to yell at her, she said she stopped.

Sometimes, I think I put the idea of cutting your leg in her head. One day, we were talking, and Amanda Brulato, this annoying girl that everyone shares a passion in hating, asked her why would she cut somewhere where everyone can see. I had to open my big fat mouth and say, "You're legs bleed as much as your arm."

So--I'm no better then Dest, but I have a switch blade and I haven't cut myself at all. That is some resistance, right there. It's been about a year since I used anything to cut myself. I was so close one time. I had the blade right there, shiney and new, and I pressed down. I don't know why I stopped, but I did.

The thing with Destiny is, I can spill my heart out to her, and she'll say that what I said impacted her and reminded her that there are people there for her. But--she always forgets it! Maybe it has to do with something I read on another blog. The three hardest things to say are Help Me, I love you, and sorry.

This is why I left xanga. On xanga, everybody I knew would of read it or would habe made a stupid comment.
0 Comments
Mood: I have the taste of microwave veggie patties in my mouth. Put a mood to that
The song that never ends: talking to people I know.

tahksik Power's back! Jul 9th, 2005 12:10:29 pm - Subscribe
Right now, the power just went on. It's been out for about 2 hours. I was all worried because I only have about 3 hours on my laptop. heehee

Oh well, as long as it is back. . . . I was running out of things to do. I already listened to some CD's that I've ignored.

Actually, I hope it goes out again. I liked having nothing to do. Oh well, I'm still heading up to Erik's. He called my mom's cellphone, hoping to ask her something, but I have hers because mine is dead. So, where he is, they have power, so, he's coming here to pick me up. awww. . .

I guess I should go do something--like eat. I'm hungry!
2 Comments
Mood: hostile
The song that never ends: seeing someone.

tahksik Shut up little baby! Jul 11th, 2005 4:12:56 pm - Subscribe
I'm thinking of doing that whole illegal downloading thing again. I need some more music, and my old songs are starting to get old with Stacey's Mom and Linkin' Park's songs from Meteora.

Yesterday was Neil's (my friends's brother) birthday, and I went. Viki was afraid that no one would show up, but, since her family is so big, there was a lot of people.

Whenever anyone goes to Viki's party, and there is cake, it will end up in someone's face.

Viki's niece is the CUTEST ever! I LOVE HOLDING HER! It was funny, because Tati (Viki's sister--Annamarie's mother) told Laith to hold the baby and keep her occupied. Annamarie was tired, and she wanted her mother, so she wouldn't stop crying.

Laith is all like, "hey--look at me!" with a stupid face. I told him to shush her, so, he looks at her and says with a strait face, "shut up."

I see somebody will be a good father. --Hold on, I'm choking. *cough*cough*.

Nothing planned tonight. That means I'm going to sleep today! Yay! Maybe I should reset my clock. It says that it is 4 in the morning. Naw. . . . heehee

Buh byes!
0 Comments
Mood: oblivious

tahksik Stupid blog Jul 16th, 2005 4:17:45 pm - Subscribe
This would be my third attempt at posting. If it goes through--YAY . . . . if it doesn't. . . . I'll throw a fit.

(sigh)

So, yesterday, I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was good, but I liked the original. Depp was good throughout the whole thing.

Afterward, we walked to Barnes and Nobles and hung out. Christine and I hid some sex books in the kids section. I watched some kid walk up to the case, take the book infront of the sex book, and walk away.

Not that long after, another kid came up and took that book. Running to the Language section (known for being empty) and probably read it in full.

Too bad Christine left. She would have loved to see that.

There was a whole event at B and N for Harry Potter. I was trying to get Dianne to walk up to some person dressed like Harry Potter (our first victim was an 8 year old boy) and wave a Wendy's Straw in their face, demanding a duel.

. . . . . .Who will be the half blood prince? Who the fuck cares. I want to know if Harry will mess up some girls life with a baby. heehee. . . .that would be AWSOME!

I wonder what they do with teenage pregnancy in Hogwarts. That is a good question for JK. Do they cast a spell or something to abort the pregnancy? Do they kick the girl out? What about the guy? Can they bring the kid with them and bring them to a nursery or something? All very good questions.

3 Comments
Mood: pain

tahksik Harry Potter Spoilers!!!!! Jul 17th, 2005 8:43:34 pm - Subscribe
Harry falls madly in love with Malfoy. They get caught many times in Snape's room, getting frisky.

Crabbe and Goyle are caught snogging in the many empty classrooms.

Hermione runs off with several house elves and sets up a Snow White scene in the forest.

He-who-shall-not-be-named chokes on a snack food item and goes down during the whee hours of the night.

The head master joins sides with evil and has the students experimented on and tested.

The rest I will save for you. . . . .more detail in the book. . . .
0 Comments
Mood: pissed off

tahksik I hate needles! Keep them out of my arm! Jul 18th, 2005 11:39:05 pm - Subscribe
I made it to my blog without spelling it wrong for once!

A E O N I T Y dot C O M

Yayness. . . . . (I just cheated, but, when the time came for it, I remembered that there was an E in there.)

Today, I rolled out of bed at nine in the morning, starving because I didn't eat dinner last night, and hoped to leave so I can get my blood drawn and I find out that my mother is still asleep.

Well, so much for leaving at 9:30. Hell, we can knock off 10:00, 10:30, and even 11:00.

It is 11:12 and my mom says, "come on--we're going."

Sonovabitch.

I have a new hatred for needles. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

At least I didn't whine like when I was at my doctor's office. There, they only pricked my finger, but the SOB (who knew my mother) filled two little bottles with my blood.

That there, my friend, is as close as I can get to a nice outing with my mother.

5 Comments
Mood: invisible
The song that never ends: getting up in the morning

tahksik I hate my doctor Jul 21st, 2005 6:37:39 pm - Subscribe
another uneventful day. I have to wait until my doctor gives me the okay to leave so I can start going to Marching Band practices. But, I am going to go to a concert tonight, and there is nothing that bitch can do about it.

When I went yesterday, she had a plant for me. She said that when I see her again, she wants to see it happy and alive.

I still haven't gotten those damn things back--my results from when they drew blood on Monday. I want to know what was in my blood! They had to take it, I wanna know what is in it! How's my cholesterol, what about my anemia?

You know what my Dr. also said. She said to lay off the instant Chow Mein and Ramen. It has too much sodium, apparently. THAT IS MY DIET! I'll starve without those two!

On the lighter side, I outgrew my heart murmer. Saweet!

Ima kill that plant, though. I wanna see what she has to say about it.
3 Comments
Mood: kooky
The song that never ends: Concert--I still don't know who is playing

tahksik edit template Jul 21st, 2005 7:33:01 pm - Subscribe
I know this is still a whee bit messy, but I am trying to make sense of the template. I know... there is a lot of work that needs to be done, but I have to sign off. . .

please excuse the mess.
1 Comments
Mood: incomplete
The song that never ends: concert. . . still

tahksik edit template 2 Jul 22nd, 2005 2:39:56 am - Subscribe
OKay, here's a hint. If you ever want to edit your template. . . set aside some time and if you have to stop, make sure you're finished.

This applies to people like me. The people with the small understanding of html which includes bolding, underlinging, italics, and strike outs.

I'm just going to go back to default. I have no idea what I did, and I really don't like that pink color. Ima start all over. . . .

[small break]

I can't tell the difference between aaa and the regular hex codes. . . . . *sigh*. . . . I always thought that they had six things to it, not three. . . . .

*bows down to aeonity blog coders and people*

[edit--again]

I don't like these colors. . . . The pink isn't doing it for me. . . .

[last edit--I swear!]

I'm going to settle with what I have right now. The colors are okay, and I just tried to work past the fact that I had no idea what I was doing and the confusion with the hex things.

I swear, some of those color codes I have NEVER seen in my life. . . but they exist.

Also, I'm going to try to ignore the top thing above the navigation. I tried finding it, but, I promised myself I won't kill myself over it.

So, there you have it. . . . my recolor toward an Amy Lee template. Yay!

But, I may mess with the image a little. . . heehee
3 Comments
Mood: explosive
The song that never ends: Seeing the Duprees--Again. . . . . .and again. . . . and again

tahksik I'm going to Hershey Park tomorrow! Yay! Jul 22nd, 2005 10:46:31 pm - Subscribe
My friend's nephew's birthday is coming up, and they are going to Hershey Park. She was allowed to invite two people, and I was one of them because I like to go on rollercoasters.

The sad thing is that I close my eyes and scream the whole time. (I had a sore throat for a couple of days because I went on storm runner a couple of times [no lines! best.day.ever.] I make the best keychains, though.)

Her nephew is two years old. I don't know how much he will enjoy the park, but, I know we will.

I got him a blue's clues book, though. She said he likes Blue's Clues, so, I went to Toys R Us and searched the WHOLE store for something related to that stupid dog.

What ever happened to the whole Blue's Clues faze where that damn dog was all over the place? Gosh, I miss those days.

I got a happy bunny lanyard. I love happy bunny. I also love having my ID and keys around my neck.

"I'm changing my naughty ways.
--To naughtier ones."

Today, I wore a Happy Bunny shirt, happy bunny socks, happy bunny underwear, and my happy bunny lanyard. My underwear says "I hate everything," which is true. My shirt says "You're so dumb," which may be true. My socks say "You're Pretty UGLY," which is SO true.

I guess I shouldn't fall asleep at 2 in the morning if I have to get up tomorrow. Though, I have a three hour ride ahead of me. . . . .

I feel a little bad, though. The gift I gave him makes noises. I'm afraid that his parents and aunt will be driven through the wall. That is why I wrote an apology in the card. heehee.

(As you can see, I am working on the template. I will make those words change if it ends up killing me!
1 Comments
Mood: idiotic
The song that never ends: Getting up at 6 AM

tahksik Hershey is F U N! Jul 24th, 2005 2:23:14 pm - Subscribe
Yesterday kinda sucked. I found out for sure that the person I liked would have no feelings for me, because she's strait. She said it to someone she was talking to on her cellphone. Even if she was gay or bi, she would have told that person because that person is a friend she talks to a lot and can trust.

To make matters worse, I couldn't get my exboyfriend off of my mind. I don't know why. I had a dream that we got back together, and in a part of the dream, I was going to leave with my friends for the night, and he wanted to give me a hug. When we went out, I didn't do much kissing (fault of mine), but this time I kissed him and said that I would be better to him this time. I don't know if my dream is telling me that I have feeling for him, or it is just fucking with my mind.

Conflicting thoughts, huh?

On the better side of yesterday, Hershey Park ROCKED! Great Bear is still the best ride ever and Storm Runner still scares the shit out of me. The park was crowded, though, so, we couldn't do a lot of rides in the time we had. We did manage to get in a wooden roller coaster (Lightning Races) and a wet ride that got us SOAKED and everyone watching. I forgot the name of that, but when the next group went down, I saw the wave coming, so I used Destiny as a shield. heehee.

My arm still hurts from when Destiny bit me in the car ride. I had a bruise there all day. I think I started it, though, because she always says "Bite Me" and I did . . . . so, she bit me back and wouldn't let go. So I bit her fingers hard, and she bit harder. Then we managed to agree to let go.

I think our next thing is "Give me a hickey," but I don't know about that.

Dianne got a 5lb hershey bar. That thing is as big as her torso. She had an agreement with her mother. . . .she had to eat it in a week starting today. Destiny got a 5lb tub of twizlers.

I just bought chocolate twizlers and some kisses in a mug for my mom. She wanted a mug. I said, "Do you want me to get you one of those big kisses?" and she said, "no, I can get one of those at CVS, just get me something I can use." She loves her coffee, so, why not a mug filled with kisses!. . . . heehee

I had a funny moment at the arcade. As soon as we went in, I was like, "O.M.G. Evanescence is playing!" I could recognize the music, but I couldn't hear the words. The thing that blew me through the wall was that it was a song from their EP's and demos. I found the closest person that worked there (who happened to look niice as hell) and asked him if they had any control on what plays overhead. He said that the employees made a mix. I want to find that employee!

Oh well, I have to go, maybe I will update later or tomorrow
0 Comments
Mood: heavenly
The song that never ends: Monday

tahksik disturbed thoughts Jul 24th, 2005 6:45:31 pm - Subscribe
Everytime I look at myself, I wonder how I could function in 10 years or live in society and actually do something to keep it running. I can't even imagine myself in five years, let alone alive in 10.

I thought about emptying the medicine cabinet again. I have a large advil bottle, so if I downed it, I'm sure I'd die. Then there are my prescriptions, my mother's, and allergy medicine. I'm sure if I mixed all of them together, I'd not be able to walk away from it alive.

I don't want to live, but I can take control of my own life. I'd rather get struck by a car and or killed by random chance then act out on my thoughts.

No one actually cares for me. No one calls me when they want to, they just call me when they need me. Everyone has their own life, and I don't think I fit into it.

At least I have you. I doubt it, but--hi.
3 Comments
Mood: bad
The song that never ends: monday

tahksik Still here and the advil is still there Jul 26th, 2005 6:40:53 pm - Subscribe
When I don't see her online, I always think the worst. I'm afraid to check her blog, because the last time I did, she had her final words posted.

So, here comes the truth--is my best friend still alive. . . . ?

Well, according to her last blog, she'e been reconnecting with that fuck of an ex-boyfriend of hers, so, whenever shit like that happens, something bad comes up.

My mood has been sinking, and a lot of what you guys said cheered me up. I swear it did. I'm still here, right?

Vanillabee (I love vanilla!), I hear what you are saying. I have a feeling that my freshman year and summer have been one REALLY long phase.

Midnight--I have all four of you, and you are better then the friends that say they are there.

Hushpuppy--yes, I have you. My family is something to question, but I have you.

shh-- The things you said are on my ceiling in big bold letters. . thanks you.

0 Comments
Mood: hopeless

tahksik Someone shoot me in the FOOT! Jul 27th, 2005 11:49:01 pm - Subscribe
What would you do if you loved your friend and you knew that there was nothing you could fo about it? Like, you couldn't act out on your feelings or tell them.

That is where I am at.

This sucks.
2 Comments
Mood: self-conscious
The song that never ends: Tomorrow. . . . just because

tahksik Stupid bot Jul 29th, 2005 4:45:40 pm - Subscribe
The new chat is cool. I hate that damn trivia bot! It makes me feel stupid!

Yeah. So, on Wednesday, we had Marching Band Practice. The percussion section still doesn't have music, so we had staring contests the whole day.

Afterward, I went to my friend's house. We call her Ace. I had cherios!

So, yesterday I went to my doctor. She didn't find it all that funny that my plant was dead.

*sigh*

Oh well.

My mom didn't want me to go to a picnic. I got a little sick last night and everything I ate came back to me. I said that maybe I ate too fast and she blames something else.

I hate her for that. She's vague because she never told me to my face about her cancer. I know because I overheard her on the phone, telling my aunt. Now, she's going through a wall because my health is skimming the bottom, and she is panicking.

Whatever.

We're having a "get together" on Saturday. *goingawaysurpriseparty* I don't want to miss it, but I might have to. Stupid Doctor. She's as vague as my mother.

Oh--good news! I outgrew my heart murmer sometime in between 95 and now. heh.

Whoosh.

Sean Connery. . . . damn him and his 80 year old self.
2 Comments
Mood: bewitched
The song that never ends: Going to the Dr's on Saturday