tasteofink's Blog

...and don't forget to take deep breaths.
Date: Sep 14th, 2005 3:23:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: empty
Music: The Academy Is... - Checkmarks

I feel sick. fever sick. I don't know what's wrong with me.

This morning, I went in and was talking to Leslie. Her friend asked if we were still together. She said she was sick. That made me feel kind of weird. I'm starting to think she's just using this as an excuse.

I tried to hold her (Leslie's) hand in the hallway, and she said she really didn't feel like doing so. That made me feel really bad. I felt like I did something wrong. I got kind of upset, but tried to hide it. I don't want to make the same mistakes.

I think I did bad in my Chemistry test. I know I missed at least one question. Oh well.

After Chemistry, everything seemed alright. We hugged and stuff. Everything was okay. It made me feel good.

After school, Leslie came outside and asked me to stay 8th period with her, so I did. We went to the library and talked for a while, and then went outside. It was really nice. She seemed really interested in me at this point, and it seemed like everything that happened earlier was just weird.

She called later around 6 when she got home from band. Everything seemed alright. I fell asleep and ended up with a little nap.

Sometimes she seems so much different outside of school than in school. It makes me feel bad a lot.

I have a lot to talk about regarding my worries with this girl and other things, but I don't have the time right now.

I really wish I had more time to update this right now... but I must sleep. Sorry, self.

Now I'm in a good mood. What the fuck? My mood changes constantly, so quickly. Why?

I fucking love this girl. I'm just afraid of what's going to happen between us.

I have therapy tomorrow. should be fun. I'm also feeling pretty sick, like I said before, so I don't know if I'm going to school... but I probably will. I also have 8th period gym tomorrow. yucky. ick. ick. ick.

Upcoming plans:
Friday - hanging out with friends, "party"
Sunday - movies with Leslie, and then over my house
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Catching up...
Date: Sep 13th, 2005 4:43:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: lovesick
Music: Silverstein - Smile In Your Sleep

Contrary to popular belief, yes, I am still alive. Why the absence? It was needed. very needed. Although I have a lot of catching up to do as far as updates go, I'm only going to include the pretty important stuff.

I went through a lot of hard times in the past few months, and I never would of made it through without the help of dedicated friends and my beautiful girlfriend. I love you, baby.

And hey... I'll start off by describing how I've come to be with these friends, and how I met my girlfriend... as well as some of our trials and tribulations together thusfar, even though right now we're standing strong.

If you remember back, I was talking about how almost all of my friends had ditched me, and how hardly anyone was left except for George. Well, George and I decided that we didn't need them, and found a new group of people to hang out with. It's working out amazingly. I'm having more fun at this point in my life than I did at any other, and coming straight from the bottom, it's like I'm soaring. It feels so fucking good to be alive again.

Believe it or not, I met my girlfriend off of MySpace. I added her because she was from my area, we got to talking, eventually met up, and we've been going out since July 16th. We've had some problems, but we've worked out everything and we're going pretty good right now.

I'm back in school now. Yes, actual school... not homebound. It feels good to be back, but supposedly I'm having post-traumatic stress from all that happened last year, and my associations of the school with my inner pain. My classes aren't all that bad, and I know a few people in each... so, it's all good.

Hm... I smoked marijuana for the first time on Friday with some friends before a concert. It was fun. I just wish my baby could have been there (even though I would have completely avoided the weed if she was).

Leslie came over Sunday and we watched the old school Dawn of the Dead movie. Hah. She didn't enjoy it too much, but then again she did, simply because she was with me.

I've never made out so much before in my life, like, even with her. It was almost constant while she was over here. Then we went down by the baseball field, and started making out on the bleachers. I didn't want it to end. She just gives me this feeling of warmth, and when we're kissing, I feel like nothing else in the world matters except her kiss. I love her. I want her.

Socially, I've been doing a lot of things... a lot of concerts, hanging out, and stuff. The Warped Tour went great with the exception of George puking a bunch of times throughout the day, and other stuff like that. I kind of think it made it a little bit better, though. more funny things that I'll remember for a long time.

Oh, and speaking of concerts... I went to see Underoath & Silverstein with George and Anthony last Sunday (labor day weekend). It was great. Lots of moshing. moshing fun. I started to cry when Silverstein played Smile In Your Sleep because of everything I have associated with the song, and it brought back a lot of memories I would've liked to have forgotten, as well as current fears. Afterwards, the drummer of Underoath was walking around and we met him and got him to sign our tickets. George pulled the dude from Silverstein's hair. Priceless.

Then, the day after that, I went to the Renaissance fair with Leslie and her family. That was fun. We went in the maze and practically got lost for a very long time... and we did a lot of other things, but I've pretty much forgotten by now.

Two days after that, we broke up, but then we got back together again an additional two days later. I'd rather not discuss why, because, frankly, I'm not even sure why we broke up... but we're back. and I love her.

Yeah, and in other news, I really wish that I would have logged some of these other dates. Some pretty significant things happened in my life. I missed marking them. I'm an idiot. Oh well.

I guess I'm friendly with Nicole again, but not to the point where I'd want to talk to her like I used to. I trusted her entirely too much, and it came right back at me. It killed me.... and now I'm afraid that the same thing will happen with Leslie. Hmph.

Hm.. I've been programming freelance for extra cash... making applications that people actually use, like a friend adder for MySpace. I'm adding this little paragraph to remind me of my money making ideas. This blog is for me, not you! YES, YOU!

Thinking about what I may want to go to college for, I think I've changed from computer programming to sound engineering to something in the area of health... perhaps something relating to Psychology. I found out that I'm very interested in Psych. I might want to look into setting my goal to get a Psy.D. Yummy.

Oh, and I realized something through all of this, though. Regardless of dating and relationships, I'm always going to have backing from friends. I always have something to fall back on. Always. Anthony, George, the rest of you, I don't mean this in a homosexual way, but I fucking love you guys.

Yeah... I love Leslie with all of my heart, but if/when the time comes to let go, I know I have you guys to fall back on. Thanks for being there.

I don't really have much else to say. I'm going to start updating this regularly again, y'know, just for the fun of it. I've already missed too many important things that should've been logged.

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CBzaGVcJ3MgbGF0ZSBvbiBoZXIgcGVyaW9k
LiBXZSBoYXZlblwndCBkb25lIGFueSBmdWxs
IGNvbnRhY3Qgc2V4LCBidXQgSVwnbSBzdGls
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Oh... um, this is me.



...and check this band out. They're magically delicious. and make wonderful music. I've seen them a bunch of times since the beginning of summer, and each time they get better. I love them. Seriously, look out for them. They're going to be big. Oh yes. They will be big.
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I blame Mr. Rogers...
Date: May 23rd, 2005 5:18:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: changed
Music: My Chemical Romance - Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us

Wow, it's been quite some time since I've actually sat down and updated my blog. I guess it's about that time, because I have nothing else to do, and people *cough* Veronica *cough* keep asking me to.

A lot of stuff happened since I last posted, most of it depressing for me, but some of it actually ended up working out overall to be better for me.

I believe it was 2 weeks ago (I have no concept of time, honestly) when a bunch of "friends" decided they'd stop talking to me or something, or maybe I just noticed that they're fakes, and stopped talking to them. Anywho, I ditched about 90% of my friends that day. Later, I got pretty depressed, and cut.

The next day I was supposed to go to therapy, but I really didn't want anyone to see my arms (or legs for that matter) with all of the slashes and cuts, so I told my mom I was sick from my room, and she canceled.

But, see, losing the initial friends.. this wasn't the hard part. The hard part was to come the next day. I finally realized that Nicole was a fucking fake bitch who really didn't care about me, and after a lot of arguing, we just completely severed all contact with each other. This was really hard for me because she was like a sister to me, and it tore me up inside. I grabbed the razor and a pen.

It was.. I don't know, maybe 1:30 a.m., and I was sitting in my kitchen writing a suicide note, finally ready to leave this world. I put the pen down, and grabbed the blade. Apparently my mom woke up sometime during the process, and ever so conveniently came into the kitchen (even though I screamed to just go back to bed when I heard her coming) while I was slitting my wrists. The blood was pouring out, and of course she had to go and screw my plan over by applying pressure and cold water, yatta yatta. She was going to call 911, but I talked her out of it.

After I stopped bleeding and she thought it was okay, she came upstairs with me to talk. Of course she noticed the torn up bible on the floor (of which I had done the previous night), and was really mad.

I ended up explaining everything over the next few days: depression, cutting, religion, drugs. It was hard, but I did it. Of course I lied about a few things however.

What felt really weird for me was that the only person who was really "there" for me to talk to during the whole ordeal of the week was Veronica (xtaintedx), and I don't even know her in real life. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I fucking love her.

When I went to therapy the next time, for a change, my dad decided he'd go with us, which I thought was really weird, and I ended up screaming at everyone in the room during the session and just flipping out on him, my therapist, and my mom. It was great. I actually think my relationship with him is getting better now, but I'm not really sure if I want it to be. I mean, he was never there throughout my whole childhood, so what's up with wanting to care all of a sudden? I hate fakes.

After that, we went to this restraunt in Wilkes-Barre, and they had really good food. I tried some things I've never had before, like: squid (it was either squid or octopus, I honestly forget), duck, and some other odd stuff. It was surprisingly really good. We went with my uncle and got to hear his boring stories about baseball and how he wants to sue everyone and everything for doing him wrong. Sometimes he's the most annoying person ever.

On that Saturday, I decided I wanted to get out of the house, so I went with George to Cafe Metropolis in Wilkes-Barre. It was really fun. Two good hardcore bands played, and afterwards (and before), we got to talk to them and stuff. I came out with a t-shirt and a demo CD. I was especially fond of The Forgotten Grace Theory, which you can check out by going to http://www.forgottengracetheory.com.

I haven't been as depressed since the previous events happened, so I really think I'm doing better and that it was a step in the right direction.

Now I'm getting closer to this date. Nothing of much importance happened recently, but I did dye my hair. It's black now. I like it much better this color. It makes me look totally different.. but I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I took some pictures, and they can be seen here: edit. Tell me what you think!

Now I'm sitting here, bored to death. I think I'm going to go listen to SIRIUS Radio (which we just got a week or so ago, and is awesome), or start on my Economics homework which is due in about 3 hours, and I haven't even started on it. Wish me luck.
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Oops..
Date: May 4th, 2005 9:26:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stunned
Music: Atreyu - A Song For Optimists

Yesterday was a pretty interesting day. I woke up around 10 a.m. (really early for me) to go see my therapist, and it was pretty interesting. He had hurt his back and was walking like a crab. It was kind of funny.

After we left the CSS, we went to this chinese restaurant for lunch (it was about 12 p.m. at the time), and it was horrible. I think was the first chinese restaurant I've ever been in that didn't actually have chinese food. Half of the time I didn't even know what I was eating. Ah, fun. Then we left and came home.

My mom got mad because a bible had come in the mail, and I took it and threw it into the garbage can. In my opinion, that's where it belongs. She fished it out. Oh well.

We were home for a while, and I had found the digital camera, so I took a few pictures of myself which can be viewed here: 01 , 02 , 03 . Yes, I know I'm not very eye-appealing. Haha.

Later during the day we went to visit my late grandmother's friend Wayne (they lived together for years, but never married). We owned the house and land now, but we continue to let Wayne stay there. Now, this house is damn interesting. A bunch of our relatives had died in it, and my mom swears it's haunted, and my grandmother used to swear it was, too. Another key factor is that there is a cemetery right across the street from it. We took the camera to take a few pictures and see if anything interesting turned up. I think at least one of the photos shows something sort odd, and you can view that here: 01 (notice the wall).

When we got home, I came online and my friend George messaged me that Keith and Tom were pissed at him for playing some joke online on Tom. Then Tom messaged me, and started bitching at me, so I blocked him. Oh well. George told me that he had purchased the tickets for the Warped Tour, and was going to pick them up the next day, which would be today. He told me Anthony and a friend of Anthony's would also be coming with us. Oh well, that's cool.

Earlier during the day I heard on the radio that 3 Doors Down, Staind, and Breaking Benjamin would be doing a show in Scranton during the summer, so I told a few people who are crazy about them about it. Personally, I strongly doubt that I'm going to go.

I think I'm going to start hanging out at Cafe Metropolis on Friday and on the weekends. It sounds like fun, and a bunch of people had told me that it was. It's pretty cheap to get in, too. Hooray, entertainment.

I got really depressed for some reason, which I can now identify, but don't care to share, and spent the rest of the night brooding on this. I didn't cut; I had cut a day or so prior to this, and didn't want to do it yet again, just yet.

This is where the fun really begins. I wrote a suicide note, then realized that it wouldn't be sufficient enough, crumbled it up, and decided that I would just type it, and post a link to it in my profile on AIM so that people could see it. I took a mixture of pills in large quanities, and just waited for it to kick in, and hoped to die.

A bit later, I suddenly became better, and realized what I had done. I was pretty scared, and just signed online to talk to some people. I just can't make myself vomit or whatever is recommended, and I was too afraid to call an emergency number. I was starting to feel nauseated, so I decided to lie down. After a while, I knew it was kicking in, and I was having wicked chest pains and cramps in various muscles. It was a night of hell. I was really dizzy, and thought for sure that I was going to die; and this amplified when I began hearing voices. I'm not too sure what happened after this, because the next thing I knew, I was waking up, and it was 2 p.m. of the next day. Kind of interesting. I thought for sure I was going to die, but I'm kind of glad now that I didn't.

As I'm writing this now, I'm still having some of the pains, and I'm wondering when they will go away; hoping that I'm not seriously injured, or something.

We got some more calls from the school, and it turns out that my Geometry teacher will be over Friday, and an Economics teacher whom I've never even seen before, will be over on Monday. Also, I have a bunch of work to do by tomorrow for when my Biology teacher is coming. This should be fun. In fact, I think I'm going to go get started on it right now.
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Interesting..
Date: May 1st, 2005 7:31:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal
Music: No Address - When I\\\'m Gone (Sadie)

Yesterday I went out with a bunch of friends to cause typical teenager havoc. It was quite fun. The fact that I was high helped a bit, too. Good times.

Today I found out that I'm going to the Warped Tour when it comes to my town.. well, not my town, but damn close. We're getting tickets tomorrow; general admission. We're probably going to meet a bunch of people at the venue. Should be fun. I definitely want to see Atreyu, Avenged Sevenfold, and My Chemical Romance. As for the other bands that we see, I could really care less.

I've stopped destroying myself, more or less. Now all I'm in for is the occasional hallucinotrip, and I'm keeping cutting to a minimum... in fact, I hadn't cut, for say, a month, until this evening. It's good to get the emotional release... mm.. but, yes, I've sworn to stop drugs, and cutting, so I'm going to stick to that promise, from here on... I think.

I've been fighting with friends lately and I've come to realize who really cares about me, and who doesn't. I love all of my real friends more than anything in the world.. you all know who you are. Thanks for being there, even in times of despair.
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