Here we go again
Date: Jun 19th, 2006 4:38:51 pm - Subscribe


So, it's been almost a year... In fact, it will have been a year in 6 days since the last time I wrote here, and why? Why do I go so long without writing? I ask myself things like this often. I have never come up with an answer, at least not fully. Allot can happen in a year... And I mean allot. Friends have come and gone, and I have learned allot about life in the last year. I have also learned allot about myself. The biggest problem with that is that doing so has raised more questions about myself to light. Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Who know's... It's kinda funny, I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and we were talking about how much he know's about me. I told him, he only knows about 1/100th of me. I also told him why, and that I do that to protect myself. I do it so no one person can have power over me the way that some people in my past have done. Not everyone can understand this, but, it is the way I am.


Now of the updates over the last year. My sister is in the hospital in Florida with Lupus and some other issues... I am pretty much homeless. And, I have lost allot of my old friends, and made some new ones. It's kinda like the normal circle of life. Lose some people, gain some people. I am now of the firm belief that everyone comes into, or exits your life for a reason. They are in yoru life to help you in some way, or for you to help them in some way, than they are gone. Some day though, everyone meets that special someone that is in their life from that moment on. That special someone that completes them, and helps them along the rest of their journey through life. I have yet to be lucky enough to meet that person, but, my eyes are open in case they enter my life. I won't hold my breath untill then though, that would be stupid. I will just keep a keen eye out for them when they do enter my life so that I can enjoy their company for the rest of my days on earth.

I fought a very bad bought of depression, and am still, in allot of ways, working my way out of it. There are of course happy little drugs that I could take and be dependant on for the rest of my life, but, that's just not me. That's not who I am. I refuse to let myself become one of them people. Not that there is anything wrong with those people, it works for them, just not for me. Anyways, back to the update portion... I started a business, and it failed... Does this make me a failure? Maybe, but, instead of being down about it, I have moved on. I am starting to break out of my shell just a little bit, but, I am afraid that it will close in around me again before I fully come out of it. I guess that's what my friend is afraid of also. He has seen me coming out of my shell, and opening up a little bit, and getting out more, and doing "normal" things, and he has commented on it. He also vowed to not let me go back into it, but, I'm not sure how well that promise is working... I am collasping back into the abyss... I refuse to give up though... I refuse to let it get to me... And, I refuse to become depressed again... Oh well, that's about all for now, back to work...


~D
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Hope
Date: Jun 26th, 2005 12:15:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: damned
Current Music: APC - Weak and Powerless

Hope... It is something that has kept me going for years. I have held onto it like a child holds onto there ice-cream sandwich in the middle of summer. Afraid of it going away before they are finished with it. I try to fill my life with hope. There is always someone worse off than I am. I hold onto that and tell myself it could always be worse. But, there are times, that I slip, I wonder, how could things get worse? Every time I ask myself this, things get a little bit worse. Everytime that something goes good, something bad happens. At least that's the way it seems.

I was on my way to work yesterday, hopefull of getting my brakes fixed in my car. I was going to have my co-worker (whom was with me in the car) fix them after work. It would be good to have my car back in good working order. We were about 20 feet from the parking lot when something hit the bottom of my car. I looked at him, and asked why he kicked my car (the radio was quite loud, and I had only felt the bump). He looked at me and said he hadn't. I said I would check it out when we got into the parking lot. As we pulled in, (headed straight towards a brand new mustang), my steering went out. And, I mean OUT. I could spin my wheel completely around with a flick of the wrist. I thought to myself, great, now my steering is going to have to be fixed. I got out, and looked under the car. Nothing looked too bad, so, we decided to push it into a parking spot. (I work retail). We pushed it all of at least two inches when my entire front-end fell out of the frame of my car. Now, when I say my entire front end, I mean my ENTIRE front end. Needless to say, I was/am very upset. But, I found out there was a recall on my car for the same problem. I am hoping (there's that hope thing again) that they will cover it under the recall, if not, I'm screwed. I really can't afford to pay for my car to get fixed.

So, what did I do? Left the car there, got a ride to the store, and bought two cases of beer. I have been drinking since. I feel as though I have let myself, and a few of my friends down. I promised myself and them I would not drink as much anymore. Yet, here I sit. On my 8th beer since 9 this morning. (it's now just past noon). I just feel like giving up. I have certainly given up on the stopping drinking and smoking thing. That really didn't work out. Anyways, I'm done babbling. If I don't write before the 4th, have a great independance day.

~D
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Been a while
Date: Jun 14th, 2005 9:39:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: awkward
Current Music: Enigma - The Screen Behind the Mirror

It's been a while since I last wrote here. No real reason, just been... busy? No, that would be a lie. Down? Yes, but, that's no excuse... Keeping to myself? I'll take that one.

I dont' have really all that much to write, of course, every time I say that, I write a ton. Pixy says she checks my blog often, so, I figured I should give her something to check. :-P

It's strange, her and I don't talk often. We live together, but, don't seem to talk. I mean, we talk, but, not like we did when we didn't live together. It's not really a bad thing, it's just... different.

I guess I could write an update about my life... Got my license back... Cost me about $1,780, but, I guess it's worth it. Now, I just have to get my brakes done (sigh). I had another anxiety attack. That is never fun. I was at the movies with Reiven, Pixy, and Will. It was wierd... I haven't had one in I can't remember how long. I hated it. I really should get some help, I'm just terrified to do it. One of these days I will though. I have to. I have no choice. Well, I guess that's it for now. I will try to post more Pixy. I promise.

~Big D
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Songs and words....
Date: Apr 29th, 2005 11:47:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: alone
Current Music: APC - The Noose

One of the things about me that the people whom know me best realize about me is the fact that music plays a very important part in my life. I have no musical talent at all, but, I relate to music very well. Knowing what music I am listening to let's the people around me know allot about how I am feeling, or what my mood is like. It is my way of expression. I hold so much in that I am seemingly always on the edge of bursting. This, for me, is a way of life. One of the songs that seems to describe how I feel about allot of things is "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle. I relate to it so well because I hold so much pain inside of myself. Even those closest to me don't realize the effect they have on me. The words they say, (sometimes kind, sometimes not) all have an effect. I don't know whom of my friends reads this or might find it, but, this will give them something to think about. This is what I ask myself all the time.

"The Noose" - A Perfect Circle - The Thirteenth Step

So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heavens help you cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down

But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends

Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
To choke you now

This is me. This is how I often feel.

One more song to think about....

"Till We Run Out Of Road" - Jewel - This Way

It's leaving time again
I'm headed out
With all my friends
It's a roll of the dice
I've never thought twice
About the way
I've been spending my time
Trying my guts out
For every dime
Working in an
Office building tall
You don't know
Who's next to you at all
But being out here
The blood, the guts, the beer
Is a test
Only time will tell
It brings you close, man
Closer than hell

We're leaving
Leaving again
Can't recall
Where are we been
I guess we'll just go
Go till we're too old
Or we run out of road

The other day
I talked to Lou
He quit back in 92
Says he misses it bad
Those were the best time
He ever had
He said
"Give it hell to the end
'Cause once you quit
You can't get it back again"



We're leaving
Leaving again
Can't recall
Where are we been
I guess we'll just go
Go till we're too old
Or we run out of road

Expensive cabs
And shitty food
Washed down
With cancelled flights
This week endorsement holidays
You miss your boy and wife
Oh the late night drives
The calls
The dawn to strike you
Like a knife
Hey man
This is a beautiful life

We're leaving
Leaving again

We're leaving
Leaving again
Can't recall
Where are we been
I guess we'll just go
Go till we're too old
Or we run out of road

We're leaving
Leaving again
Can't recall
Where are we been
I guess we'll just go
Go till we're too old
Or we run out of road



This is how it seems it will end... Alone...
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More of the same
Date: Apr 8th, 2005 11:57:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: desolate


Here we go again. It's been a while since I wrote. Allot has happened since I last wrote. Dom and #2 are engaged. I am happy for them. Well, as happy as I can be. I am very glad that they have found each other. I was worried for a while about him. He went through a bitter divorce a while ago. It was shortly after his dad died. I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I have had allot of death in my life, but, never had someone that close to me die. He took it pretty rough. I did my best to be a good friend when it happened. It was strange, I had disappeared for a few months from him. It was when I lived (and almost died) in Jackson. I hated it. I hated being away from my family and all of my friends. I was alone and, had lost my job and taken my last paycheck and, instead of paying my rent, I bought a fifth of scotch. Not the cheep stuff either. I drank the entire thing in my apartment, all alone. I am surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning. I loaded my rifle, wrote in my journal, and put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. It was a real wake up for me. Hearing it go "click" instead of "boom" was a big time wake up. It was the only time to this day that that rifle mis-fired. In allot of ways, I wish it had not. It would be an ending to all this pain. But, on the other hand, I wouldn't be able to be here for my friends anymore. That is what keeps me going allot of the time. It is my friends. I love them more than life itself. That is why I am happy for the Dom and #2. I am glad that they have both found happiness. I have shared so much with the both of them. Of course, I have shared more with him than her, but, that's just because I have known him half my life. We both have a tattoo on the back of our necks. It is a pair of kanji that mean "honor" and "loyalty". Something that the both of us have shared since we have known each other. He is one of the few people in my life that has never turned his back on me. No matter how far down I get, he is always there for me. I don't thank him enough for that. No matter how depressed I get, I know he is there for me. I often don't understand it. I also don't understand how I am able to open up to him so much. It is hard at times for me to be honest even with myself, but, I am always honest with him. Same with #2. That, for me, is a big surprise. I hardly know her, yet I was able to open up to her immediately. She has never given up hope on me, and kicks me in the teeth when I need it. She is more honest with me than I am myself, and more often than not, than Dom is. I know it hurts them both to see me like this, and that hurts me more than anything. To know that I am hurting my friends kills me. It is this reason that I still have nightmares, and, it is this reason I don't sleep much anymore. I know I am in a way killing myself. Not suicide, but, killing myself emotionally. I know there are drugs that would make me happy. Drugs that would make it so I can go out again. But, I feel that I am beyond that. No matter how much I need it, I deny it. It is as though I am comfortable with myself enough that I won't change myself even for myself. Even for those around me that care about me and my well being. I hardly know who I am anymore. I wasn't always like this. I used to be happy. I remember smiling and laughing all the time. I remember a time when I was myself. It seems at though those times are gone now. That is why it is so hard for me to be happy for the two of them. They have something I long for. Something I don't think I will ever find. Something I am afraid of ever finding. Something that would be good for me. Happiness scares me, and I hate it.

I found some pictures at my Mom's that I had left there a while ago. I found some pics of some old friends of mine and I. They were two of my best friends. I loved them both dearly. The three of us had been through more than I could ever go through with anyone else. I guess that is part of the reason we fell from each other. Anyways, while I was looking a the pictures, I started to cry. I realized how much these two had meant to me. I miss them dearly. I often wonder what they are up to, and how they are both doing. I also wonder, at times, if either of them would show up at my funeral if I were to die soon. It hurts to not know such things.
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Just a quickie
Date: Mar 27th, 2005 9:50:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: Different
Current Music: Jewel - Angel Standing By

I just wanted to hop on and say happy easter to everyone. happy.gif
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Been a while
Date: Mar 19th, 2005 8:36:45 pm - Subscribe
Mood: crestfallen
Current Music: Shinedown - 45 (acoustic)

Well, I seem to go a while without writing. Something I told myself I wouldn't do. It helps to write. It helps me to get out the things that get stuck in my head and really bother me. I got my car fixed... Well, got my keys re-done anyways, and got my deck replaced. My alarm is supposed to be installed monday . But, that is all material possesion crap. I have been sick for the last few days, which I'm sure hasen't helped my mood or my depression. I still do my best to look at the bright side of life though, it's the only way I can make it through on some days. I guess my biggest issue is the fact that I am lonely as hell. What kills me about it though, is the fact that I know it's my fault. I have a mental block that eats me alive inside all the time. I go out, I freak out. I don't mean freak out like have a good time, I mean freak out like really freak out. I have social anxiety, and it kills me. I have a hard time making friends, and a harder time ordering a pizza. I know it sounds stupid, but, it's true. I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate it more than anything. I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. I just want to have someone hold me, understand me, and make me believe that there is a chance. Someone to be there when I cry. Someone whom I can tell everything. I hold onto a small hope that that person exists somewhere. I have yet to find them in my 25 years, but, I am sure they are out there somewhere. Because, if they are not, I don't know that I will be able to go on. I am not one to talk about killing myself. I think that suicide is a cowards way out. I would never do that. I just don't think I would get up anymore. There are only so many times that someone can be knocked down and get back up. It just keeps getting harder and harder to keep getting up.
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One of those days
Date: Mar 8th, 2005 9:52:14 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pissed
Current Music: Amotion - A Perfect Circle

Well, it's certainly been one of them days. I was supposed to get my car alarm fixed yesterday, but, the alarm had not been shipped from the other store. I am trying to keep a positive attitude in my life, and sometimes it's hard, but, I took it in stride. I asked when I will be able to get it fixed, and, they said Sunday... Cool... "Only a few more days, I can deal" I thought to myself. So, I took my Mom out to dinner, it was nice. We had a good time. I went to the store afterwords to cash a check, and picked up some music... (This is where I made my first mistake). I drove home, instead of going back to my Ma's like I was going to, and parked my car. I decided to burn the new cd's on my computer so I can listen to them while I write, or play, or whatever. (Second mistake). I switched cd's, (apperently) left my keys in the ignition, and came upstairs. I couldn't sleep well last night, and didn't think anything of it, (third mistake).

I got up this moring, couldn't find my keys, asked the roomie if he had seen them, he said no... Wierd, I thought, they are always in my pocket. Well, I figured I must have left them in my car (no biggie I thought to myself). I was walking to my car, and saw that the door was slightly opened (kicked myself in the ass for not closing it tight) and got in. I reached for the ignition, (where my keys should have been) and realized that something wasn't right. My $500 deck was missing.... WTF?!?!?! Not only that, but, my keys are missing... So, whoever stole my deck, has my keys. Luckily, (this is me looking on the bright side of life) my car is still there. Called the cops (worthless), and they won't even dust for prints.

But, I have to look on the positive side of things... My car is still here... Locked, and I have no keys, but, it's still here...


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Fake
Date: Feb 25th, 2005 11:26:32 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fake


We all put on masks at times.... I just happen to were mine all the time. There are many masks to Taubin. The happy-go-lucky mask I put on for people at work . The I'm ok mask I put on for my friends . The I'm really ok mask . The I'm hiding something mask . And finally, the mask I put on for myself . It's sad really... We as people always put on masks... And for what? Acceptance? Denial? Because we have to? I don't know... I just change the mask to deal with the situation....


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Blah
Date: Feb 20th, 2005 7:58:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: antisocial


I haven't updated in a few days. Been kinda busy. I went to my dad's house to watch the race today, not because I'm a huge fan, but, because it allows me to spend time with my dad. I hadn't seen him since Christmas. I than went to my mom's house to see how she was doing. She is dealing with my cousin's death kinda hard. I stayed as long as I could. Sometimes it becomes too much to watch her go through things. I try my best, but, it doesn't always work out. Not much else to say, not in a very happy mood.
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