Been a while
Date: Mar 20th, 2005 2:36:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: crestfallen
Current Music: Shinedown - 45 (acoustic)
Well, I seem to go a while without writing. Something I told myself I wouldn't do. It helps to write. It helps me to get out the things that get stuck in my head and really bother me. I got my car fixed... Well, got my keys re-done anyways, and got my deck replaced. My alarm is supposed to be installed monday . But, that is all material possesion crap. I have been sick for the last few days, which I'm sure hasen't helped my mood or my depression. I still do my best to look at the bright side of life though, it's the only way I can make it through on some days. I guess my biggest issue is the fact that I am lonely as hell. What kills me about it though, is the fact that I know it's my fault. I have a mental block that eats me alive inside all the time. I go out, I freak out. I don't mean freak out like have a good time, I mean freak out like really freak out. I have social anxiety, and it kills me. I have a hard time making friends, and a harder time ordering a pizza. I know it sounds stupid, but, it's true. I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate it more than anything. I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. I just want to have someone hold me, understand me, and make me believe that there is a chance. Someone to be there when I cry. Someone whom I can tell everything. I hold onto a small hope that that person exists somewhere. I have yet to find them in my 25 years, but, I am sure they are out there somewhere. Because, if they are not, I don't know that I will be able to go on. I am not one to talk about killing myself. I think that suicide is a cowards way out. I would never do that. I just don't think I would get up anymore. There are only so many times that someone can be knocked down and get back up. It just keeps getting harder and harder to keep getting up.
Comments: (3)
Comments:
yeah, thas all...my names leah by the way
