|
I dreamed of a man. He was a real man. One that would look after me, treat me well, want a family, not lie to me, not cheat on me and make me feel safe. He never had a face and he never had a name. But he loved me. And he let me love him. He now has a face. And he has a name. And he loves me. At the point in time where i was about to say "enough is enough" that i can't take the roller coaster ride of dating anymore, i can't be let down again, i can't have my heart broken again, i can't be told i wasn't good enough simply cos i wasn't good looking enough or i wasn't slim enough...he came along. Its never felt like this. Its not the desperate need to see him, the desperate need for him to love me. Its an all embracing love, that makes me feel safe. When i'm away from him i miss him..but i know that he is thinking of me. When i'm with him i see my future. He's actually the one. He doesn't need to be fixed. He can be a man and still tell me he loves me. For the first time in a long long time I am truly happy. And everyone has noticed..and commented. I found him. I never thought I would. I thought i was destined to be alone. I accepted that fate. Life is good again. |
|
I kind of hate all the changes going on in my life right now. We moved offices at work...away from my friends and away from the life i used to know. Now life revolves around work with all the travel. And i hate that. Today I fianlly got to catch up with the girls. Kay tells us she's move interstate next week. I hate that she's leaving. But hell there isn't much we can do to stop her. And seeing Di in so much pain from her mother committing suicide just breaks my heart. I want to be able to make everything better for her. But i just can't. I don't know how to help her. I want to help her understand....but I don't understand either. All i hope is that she doesn't live with the soul crushing guilt that i lived through when Andrew did it. But you know its brings it all back. I might not have able to save Andrew...but what if i could have? What if i had been on time? Would i have been there to save him? Would he have just tried again? Or would he realise how much his family and friends loved him. They're answers you just don't ever get. I went shopping today. And brought Pink's new album. Stupid move. Have you heard the song Who knew? I've played it over and over again. It just makes me think about all the people that have been through my life. That 3 years ago if you told me they wouldn't be in my life anymore, I would think you were nuts. But here we are..and they aren't. That made me so grateful for having Stephen back in my life. After 5 years of no contact he's back!!!! And i've missed him so much. And I never want to lose him again. And i hope he realises that. I sent him a message telling that cos i don't want him to think he can only be in my life as a partner...whether that ever happens or not..i want him in my life. I've realised today how valuable friends are. I'm normally a person that doesn't have a lot of friends through choice and the ones i normally have, have an expiry date. Our lives just change and we go our separate ways. No malice or bad feelings, its just the way it is. But the friends in my life right now..have been around for years. And they are the ones i've realised i'll do anything to hold onto. I love them with all my heart and am so grateful that i've been lucky enough to have them in my life. Which leads me to the absent friend. Where are you Taubin? Are you ok? I love you and I miss you. I'm always here when you need me. Never forget that. |
|
Ok if you aren't an aussie..you just won't get the heading. If anyone has been reading my previous entries they would have probably thought i was completely crazy. I have been so down since breaking up with lee and ams and blah blah blah. About a month ago Lee finally told me why he broke up with me. It only took him 9 months to tell me. And even though it hurt like hell..it wasn't unexpected. And its amazing what its done. Its like one day i just woke up and the fog was gone and the world started to make sense again. And for the first time in my entire life i was happy without being in love. I started thinking about things and seeing people and situations for what they are. Its amazing what clarity can do. Then i started to get angry. Not with Lee. I forgive him. I know what he did was never meant to hurt me and that it hurts him knowing what he did to me. What got me angry the most was ams. As if the pain and confusion of breaking up isn't bad enough. But to then add a new relationship straight on top of that would be bad enough..but to be with the same sex....how could that not mess with your brain. And it made me so angry at her. She used the most vulnerable time to swoop in for her own sexual gratification. Don't get me wrong its not like i would have said no if i was thinking clearly...but she made it so easy to transfer all my feelings for Lee onto her...leaving me never really dealing with the pain Lee caused. Then she toyed with me and basically played me like a puppet. She used to act suprised that i was so messed up and so confused about her and I. Well duh. I never got to deal with one set of emotions before another were thrust upon me. Now she has a new little play toy. And i'm glad about that. I kinda keep things nice but have no real desire to go there again. There no longer is that fog that keeps me confused. For the first time ever i'm happy being single and i'm in no rush to change it any time soon. So there is the update. I'm still alive...and for the first time..actually living! |
|
Do you ever get to the point where you've just had enough? Had enough of the life you have, had enough of the people in it, had enough of the way you feel just had enough of everything. Well thats where i'm at. I hate feeling this way. I don't know whats wrong with me. I seriously think i have some serious mental problem. I hate this life. When i was a kid there was no way i pictured this for my life. At the moment i would be happy to lay down and go to sleep and never wake up. At least it would be an end. Cos at the moment there are no ends. There is just the continual bullshit that goes on and on and on and on. There are no happy endings. For some people i guess they just aren't entitled to happiness at all. You hear people rave on about this bullshit that you have to create your own happiness. Really? Well kiss my ass. Considering we don't live in a world that is solely about us, we don't live in a world that requires no contact with other humans how is it even possible to create and maintain your own continuous happiness? We aren't all born the type of people that think a smile and group hug will fix the freakin world. So fi you're not one of those oh so lucky people born this way what the hell do you do? You're pretty much screwed! The whole world is in a strange frenzy of self destruction. And i gotta say..i can understand it. |
|
People seem to have a very simplistic view on life. you don't like your life? change it. Really? thats helpful thanks..NOT. If i knew how to change it wouldn't I have done it by now? And what if the only change you want is to have someone to share your ups and downs to laugh with cry with go mental with see the world with? Do you just force someone to love you? Fix that problem dumbass. I'm so sick and tired of all the well to do's telling me i should be doing this and that. How the hell would you know what i should be doing...you can't even sort out your own shit. I dunno why i am so angry at the world at the moment. It doesn't owe me anything. The answer I want is how to just stop the world turning for just one moment so i can figure out where the hell i'm supposed to be in it. It seems that i'm one of those people that just wanders through life aimlessly not really having a clue what i'm doing. When there is only one thing i really want...one thing i've only ever wanted...and the hardest thing to attain. That aforementioned someone to share a life with, have a family with, grow old with and die with. The person that loves me more than life itself. I'm sooooooooooooooooo sick of hearing people prattle on about "when you stop looking you'll find them" blah blah blah yeah i know i've said it before but geees come on enough already. I'm not looking. I'm at the point where i'm going to join a convent cos i just can't take the risks anymore of another broken heart. You know its like every time someone leaves your heart cracks that little bit more. Surely there is a time when its completely stuffed and no one and nothing can fix it again. You have to get to the point surely where you've been knocked down so many times its just easier to stay down. Happy freakin new year. |
|
just don't understand it. What the hell is wrong with me that i can't move on? And what the hell is so special about him that i can't let it go? I don't want him back. Thats a fact. Yes i still love him in a way and yes i still worry about him. He has a new girlfriend and doesn't think about me, doesn't care how i feel so why on earth am i giving him so much of my thoughts? For anyone that reads this don't think i'm a hopeless case that does nothing but think about this guy cos thats not the way it is. Its the net that does it to me. I see his name on the forum we both use and I get that sick feeling and my chest constricts trying to hold back tears. Thats it. Thats the only time it affects me. Go to another forum you say? Its not that easy considering i have made so many great friends there. I just don't understand it. Why can't i let him go. |
|
You know when you're a kid and you fantasise about what magical powers you want and being invisible inevitably always comes up. Welcome to my life! I've mastered the art of being invisible, or rather i've had it thrust upon me. Everywhere i go i seem to be invisible. Even in the lifts at work i get shoved to the back and trodden on like i'm worth nothing. Crossing at the pedestrian crossing...you know cars don't even bother stopping for me. Put a size 8 blonde waiting to cross there and there is practically a traffic jam to stop in time. I go into chatrooms and forums and its like i'm writing in invisible ink. And i wonder how i got to be this way. Anyone that knows me would never describe me as a quiet person. So how did i manage to mean so little to so many. How did i become so insignificant to everyone around me. I'm a good person and i deserve so much more than this. Maybe the powers that be think differently. I'm not exactly sure what i'm supposed to be learning, perhaps its that i actually am insignificant. That i count for nothing in this world. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to just give up. |
|
I wonder what the deal is. Its been nearly 4 months since we broke up. I think i'm doing pretty good. I can talk about you without crying..and i can think about you without my heart ripping in 2. But all it takes is seeing your name there and i get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart breaks all over again. Its really strange cos i don't want you back. Even if you asked I would say no. And i'm quite happy being single. Life is going to get so exciting from here. I'm going overseas next year, i'm going to study law and make my life what it always should have been. But still I miss you. What's up with that? Sometimes i feel lost. But these days it doesn't last very long. I think of my future and there is hope and direction. But still you're at the back of my mind and it shits me. I wonder what it will take til i am completely over you. |
|
Lee Whats the deal ? Who do you think you are ? You made the decision to no longer be my partner. Ok i made the decision for you to no longer be a part of my life at all but i made that decision to protect myself cos it was killing me pretending with you that everything was ok that you left. I don't understand why you insist on continuing to hurt me. I didn't think we parted on bad terms. Yeah ok i was angry for a while...thats cos i was devestated and so confused. For the life of me i couldn't understand how what was seemingly this perfect relationship suddenly came crashing down. But never did i let you see the anger or the hurt. There are so many ways that i could hurt you but i choose not too. Not because i still love you...but because i know you did what you thought was right. But why every time i start to move on you somehow weedle your way back in my life ? Do you think asking ams if we had slept together wouldn't get back to me ? What right do you think you have to ask that question ? You gave up your right the day you walked out the door. do you want to hurt me cos this time when you pushed me away i didn't come back ? I told you i wasn't coming back this time before you made the decision. you put on this tough guy bravado bullshit and everyone falls for it...except me..and i know you hated that. Just let me go. Stop coming back. Just leave. Go and stuff up your life as much as you want...to borrow someone else's words "do what you want cos i'm not gonna save you baby". I'm not going to save you this time Lee. |
|
Lee It amazes me how little i meant to you. I never believed it until today. "Its been a month already why aren't you over it'". What ? I'm supposed to be over you in a month ?!!!!! The man i was supposed to marry...the man i was prepared to pick up my life and move interstate for...a month ? Obviously you are screwing someone else by now. Wish i could pretend to be shocked. What hurts me the most is that you have just forgotten everything that happened down here. When i found out you were in jail do you know i cried ? I'd only ever met you once, even though we'd been talking for a year and i cried. And not for one second did i believe what you were being accused of. I cried every night until the first time i got to see you. Then i cried because i wanted to make it better and i didn't know how. I know you never asked me for help. In fact you told me not to help. But i did anyway. Why ? Because you were my friend and you needed help. No other reason. I handed over all my savings so you could walk free expecting nothing in return. But then i fell in love with you. And i know you did too. I was so proud of the person you became when you were down here. You stayed off the alcohol, you let someone love you and you loved them back, you worked and you became a completely different person. Finally what i knew all along was stated in the courts...you were innocent. And then everything changed. I hate that you went home and started drinking again. And honestly i blame Daniel a bit for that. I hate that you deny your problems now that you openly admitted too down here. I hate that you don't recognise you need help. Professional help. The demons that have you haunted you since you were a kid aren't going to go away because you drink yourself into a stupor every night. They will still be there in the morning. I hate that i miss you every day and you don't care. I hate that I did so much for you only to get slapped in the face. I hate that you asked me to marry you when obviously you didn't really mean it. I hate that you have gone back to the life that was slowly destroying you before you went to jail. I'm sorry that i can't get over you in a month. It took me ages to tell you i loved you...and now i'm sorry i did. I'm sorry i let myself fall in love with you. The stupid thing is i know we shouldn't be together. I don't want a life with an alcoholic. I wanted a life with the man i fell in love with down here. And clearly that guy never really existed. He sure as hell doesn't exist now. And thats the part i can't deal with. How do you grieve for someone that never really existed. That was just a farce. I wish i could say i wish you happiness but i 'don't. Don't get me wrong i don't wish you any ill will...but i know if you find happiness you will destroy it and in the process destroy a girl that loved you like i did. I hope that you find whatever it is you are looking for. I hope that one day you are strong enough to face the demons that will ultimately kill you. And i hope that you are strong enough before it really is too late. I'll move on eventually. I'm not pining for you. I'm pining for what i thought was my happy ending. But as you once told me..happy endings only exist in fairy tales. |
|
I hate this. I hate that everything is changing and everyone is leaving me or letting me down or screwing me over. I miss lee every day. My heart aches every time i see him log on. But there is nothing i can do but to try and get through the best way i know how. I thought i had a friend in ams. But now i wonder. We had a great weekend together and i finally had to admit that i had feelings for her more than friends. And i know she feels the same. But its all too weird. Then tonight she tells me that she never trusted Lee and she had no idea what i saw in him. So now i think back about all the things she said to me when she was "consoling"me about my break up. Like that i shouldn't get back with him and i shouldn't move blah blah blah. I just don't know what to think now. Then to make my night complete my mum tells me that my babies (my niece and nephew) are moving interstate in 6 weeks and i won't even get to see them for xmas. May as well have just taken a sledge hammer and smashed it straight through my heart. Now i have no one. First dad leaves me, then my middle brother, now my oldest brother and taking my babies with him. I know they can't stay for me but now i have no one. Ams let me down, lee left and i'm left with nothing and i don't know what to do. I hate this. I hate this life. I hate feeling like this. I hate hurting. I hate missing lee. I hate not knowing who i can trust. I hate not having the kids near me. I just hate this. |
|
Oh boy. After my first entry i went to bed that night thinking about if i died would anyone care. I realised if it wasn't for my mum I would have ended it years ago. i only haven't cos i wouldn't want to cause my mum so much pain. I know there would be other people that were sad but they would get over it. The last couple of days i've felt a bit more optomistic though. I've been thinking a lot about going overseas. I can't wait. Its going to be awesome. No one can change my life but me. I know that. But man it would be nice to have someone there to make the journey a little easier. I miss Lee so bad. Its his birthday tomorrow. And the thought of him celebrating without me there kills me. Life is so confusing at the moment. Right on the tail end of losing Lee i discover the perfect life partner. They are perfect to me in every way except one. They are a chick. She has everything I so badly want in a partner, except a penis..lol. So then now i start to develop feelings for her. And that is so unbelievably weird for a straight chick. She wants to read this but that just seems too weird to me. This is my release where only perfect strangers can judge me. And of course i don't care what they say. I'm so sick and tired of being alone. I don't get what is so fundamentally wrong with me that i go from one failed relationship to another. Oh well another wasted day. The change will come soon. Cos i'm gonna make it happen ! |
|
Its hard to start writing a "journal" in the midst of your turmoil but here goes. I'm so sick of being the rescuer in life. I'm sick of picking people up, dusting them off, patting their hand and telling them it will be ok only to have them stand up, turn around and walk away without so much as a thank you. I tell myself all the time that i'm gonna stop helping people. But i just can't. Cos i deep down i believe that one day someone will repay me and rescue me. Its my own fault i guess. I kinda hide things away and pretend everything is ok. But if i can see through that in other people why can't they see through me ? Why can't my friends see that i'm not ok about losing Lee. That i'm not ok with my life. There is this huge part of my life that is missing. And its not Lee i know that. But it is someone. I just don't know who that someone is. I'm not talking all that soulmate bullshit cos i already know who mine is. When i found him my soul was suddenly complete. We'll never be together as a couple but thats ok. As long as he is in my life i'm happy. But now i need my heart completed. I'm so freakin tired of being lonely. I'm sick of hearing this bullshit about "when you stop looking they will come" or "you will find them" how the hell do they know that ? How do they know i'm even meant to find someone and that i'm not meant to be alone forever ? Its bullshit all of it. I'm convinced that God hates me. Like i'm his bloody court jester. The comedy is my life however its just not so funny being the one thats living it. Waves the prize in front of my face then just when i can reach out and touch it rips it away without a second thought. Then people feed me this bullshit about putting your faith in God. Yeah well bite me. Where the hell is my rescuer ????!!!!! |