More of the same
Date: Apr 9th, 2005 4:57:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: desolate
Here we go again. It's been a while since I wrote. Allot has happened since I last wrote. Dom and #2 are engaged. I am happy for them. Well, as happy as I can be. I am very glad that they have found each other. I was worried for a while about him. He went through a bitter divorce a while ago. It was shortly after his dad died. I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I have had allot of death in my life, but, never had someone that close to me die. He took it pretty rough. I did my best to be a good friend when it happened. It was strange, I had disappeared for a few months from him. It was when I lived (and almost died) in Jackson. I hated it. I hated being away from my family and all of my friends. I was alone and, had lost my job and taken my last paycheck and, instead of paying my rent, I bought a fifth of scotch. Not the cheep stuff either. I drank the entire thing in my apartment, all alone. I am surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning. I loaded my rifle, wrote in my journal, and put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. It was a real wake up for me. Hearing it go "click" instead of "boom" was a big time wake up. It was the only time to this day that that rifle mis-fired. In allot of ways, I wish it had not. It would be an ending to all this pain. But, on the other hand, I wouldn't be able to be here for my friends anymore. That is what keeps me going allot of the time. It is my friends. I love them more than life itself. That is why I am happy for the Dom and #2. I am glad that they have both found happiness. I have shared so much with the both of them. Of course, I have shared more with him than her, but, that's just because I have known him half my life. We both have a tattoo on the back of our necks. It is a pair of kanji that mean "honor" and "loyalty". Something that the both of us have shared since we have known each other. He is one of the few people in my life that has never turned his back on me. No matter how far down I get, he is always there for me. I don't thank him enough for that. No matter how depressed I get, I know he is there for me. I often don't understand it. I also don't understand how I am able to open up to him so much. It is hard at times for me to be honest even with myself, but, I am always honest with him. Same with #2. That, for me, is a big surprise. I hardly know her, yet I was able to open up to her immediately. She has never given up hope on me, and kicks me in the teeth when I need it. She is more honest with me than I am myself, and more often than not, than Dom is. I know it hurts them both to see me like this, and that hurts me more than anything. To know that I am hurting my friends kills me. It is this reason that I still have nightmares, and, it is this reason I don't sleep much anymore. I know I am in a way killing myself. Not suicide, but, killing myself emotionally. I know there are drugs that would make me happy. Drugs that would make it so I can go out again. But, I feel that I am beyond that. No matter how much I need it, I deny it. It is as though I am comfortable with myself enough that I won't change myself even for myself. Even for those around me that care about me and my well being. I hardly know who I am anymore. I wasn't always like this. I used to be happy. I remember smiling and laughing all the time. I remember a time when I was myself. It seems at though those times are gone now. That is why it is so hard for me to be happy for the two of them. They have something I long for. Something I don't think I will ever find. Something I am afraid of ever finding. Something that would be good for me. Happiness scares me, and I hate it.
I found some pictures at my Mom's that I had left there a while ago. I found some pics of some old friends of mine and I. They were two of my best friends. I loved them both dearly. The three of us had been through more than I could ever go through with anyone else. I guess that is part of the reason we fell from each other. Anyways, while I was looking a the pictures, I started to cry. I realized how much these two had meant to me. I miss them dearly. I often wonder what they are up to, and how they are both doing. I also wonder, at times, if either of them would show up at my funeral if I were to die soon. It hurts to not know such things.
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