It's getting lower
Date: Feb 19th, 2005 3:05:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: down
My Grandma has had alzheimer's for about a year now. It has been tough to deal with, and getting tougher. My Mom called me at work today to let me know that my grandma attacked my aunt last night and tried to kill herself. I know it may seem like allot of b.s. happens in my life, and it does. I have learned in my life to take the good with the bad. It get's harder and harder sometimes. I have a hard time dealing with what is happening with my grandma due to the fact that I have already been throught it once. My grandfather died of the disease a few years ago. I never knew what it was, or what it meant until I learned he had it. Even then, I was very un-educated. I hae learned a bit about it, and how it affects not only the people that suffer from it, but, the ones they are close to. In allot of ways, I believe, what my grandma did was kind of her way of dealing with my cousin's death. I cannot say that for sure, but, it is one way for me to help myself get through it. I am not a selfish person, but, I need to deal. I am more worried about my mom and how she is handling things than I am myself. I have always been that way. I worry about everyone else, and make time for myself to worry about me if, and when I am able to do so. I hold allot in so that I will not have the people I am close to suffer because of me. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes, it is un-bearable. However, I do it constantly. I know it is bad for me, but, I feel it is better for the people around me. I put on a mask for even my closest friends and family for fear that if they ever knew my real pain, the pain that is deep inside of me, they would look at me differently. Pixy and I had a conversation about the masks we put on for people, and it killed me. I am more honest with her than I am even myself. The conversation we had almost made me cry. I know it hurt her to know that there are times, even with her, that I put on a mask. I find it so hard to be honest with myself sometimes, and even harder to be honest with my friends. It is during these times that I hurt myself the most. Both emotionally, and physically. I am not saying that I cut myself, or anything like that, because I don't (anymore). Instead, I have "graduated" to drinking. I never realized I had a problem until I woke up at my house, in my bed, and had no idea how I got there. I called my best friend (whom I had been to the bar with the night before), and asked how I got home. "You drove" he replied. I didn't even remember... To know that I had put not only my life, but, other peoples lives in danger by getting behind the wheel was a big reality check to me. I used to blow almost my entire income on alcohol. I got so bad that a few of my co-workers sat me down and gave me an "intervention". I didn't think I had a problem. I had promised myself all my life that I would not become my dad. Meaning, that I would not be a drinker. (After all, he is the only person I know that has a keg at his house on a permanent basis). And, here I am, drinking as I write this. I justify it by saying that I have had a bad few days, but, it still hurts. And, what hurts more, is the fact that I end up writing more about myself than I do my friends and family. This is me being selfish, and I hate that more than anything. Those of you that know me, really know me, know that. But, you still love me and accept me. I love you guys, and would do anything for you. Remember that always.
Taubin
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High to low
Date: Feb 18th, 2005 3:02:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: sedated
There are times when I feel as though the highs won't end. There are other times when I feel that the highs are just and illusion. There are other times that I know the highs are way to good to be true. I enjoy the highs in my life when they occur because they never last too long. This has been one of them times. I got a call from my brother today to let me know that he unlocked my car for me. I was happy. He then told me that my cousin died. I say highs and lows allot here because of because of how he died. He was a professional sky-diver. He was sky-diving in florida and his chute did'nt open. Here is a person that has done thousands of jumps, and in one swoop, one mistake, and he is no longer with us. I may seem caloused about the whole thing, and, in a way, I am. I have dealt with too much death in my life in the last 6 months. The one good thing about the whole thing, and I hate to say good, is the fact that I live in Michigan. I don't have to go to another funeral. I don't think I would be able to take that. No matter who it was. I am just glad that I have supportive people around me. It helps me deal with such things. I am glad to have such people in my life. I have to keep looking at the good things I have right now. Not the negative.
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Relax
Date: Feb 17th, 2005 7:26:59 pm - Subscribe
Mood: different
Current Music: Break Me - Jewel
I laid here last night and listened to the rain fall on the apartment roof. I haven't done that in years. I had forgotten how soothing it is to do that. It really helped me to think. And for once, it was not bad thoughts that came into my head. I was totally relaxed and comfortable. I thought about the happy things in my life, both past and present. I thought about my close friends. I thought about my family. I thought about my dogs (I love you Lulu and Bozo). I thought about the people I have loved and do still love. It was me at a high point, of which sometimes, do not come often enough.
It is times like this that I realize that I should focus on the positives in my life more often, as I did when I was a child. Before I grew up and experienced all the bad things the world has to offer. All the pain. It is too often that we, as humans, focus on the bad, and not the good. I am as guilty of this as anyone is.
It's not to say my life is all good, it certainly isn't, but, I just have to look at the positive. It's the little things in life that I have to focus on. Pixy came home for lunch today from work. It's always good to see her. Even if she is running to get lunch made, and make it back to work on time. She, as does Reiven, always finds a way to make me smile. I love you two for that. Remember that. Well, I have run out of things to write, so, I am going to hop in the shower and think some more.
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Learning new things
Date: Feb 17th, 2005 5:23:35 am - Subscribe
Mood: honest
Current Music: APC - Halo
There is a saying. It says that you learn something new everyday. So, I ask myself, what have I learned today? I have learned allot of things in my life. I have learned how to love, hate, despise, give, take, forgive, and forget. I have read allot of peoples blogs today, and realized that there are good and bad in everyone. I struggle at times to find the good in allot of things. I struggle allot to find any good in myself. I find allot of good in Pixy and reiven. These two have given me hope. They help me to see that not everyone nor everything is bad. I have had allot of pain in my life, but, I also have had allot of good. They remind me of this daily. I love you two for this. I have been given hope in a world of darkness. So, what have I learned today? I have learned that I don't look at the bright side of my life enough. I have learned also that I don't thank the people I am close to enough.
I know I skip around allot when I write, but, this is because my mind skips around allot. We live in a dysfunctional world, and I have a dysfunctional mind... It just works out that way. I have found though, that it helps me to write down what I am thinking. It may not always be pretty, but, it is honest. I lay awake many nights thinking. When I don't lay awake, I usually have nightmares. I awaken shaking, and sometimes screaming in my own head. This is something else I have learned, the sound of your own screams in your own head are the worst sounds in the world.
quote:
I wrote all of those nice things
because the truth would scare you
A NITE WITHOUT ARMOR
~Jewel
Thought
Date: Feb 16th, 2005 7:05:05 pm - Subscribe
Mood: down
Thinking, for me, is a very dangerous thing. I have done allot of it in recent times. I have thought about my friends, whom I love more than anything in the world, my family, of whom, at times, I don't love enough, and about myself and what is going on in my life. At times, I am surrounded by people, yet, I feel all alone. There is a big part of me that hates being alone, but, at the same time, there is a bigger part of me that takes pleasure in solitude. That is the part of me that hurts so bad. That is the part of me that I long to relieve myself of. I hate going to bed alone every night. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for someone I can fuck every night. I want someone to hold me, to understand me, to love me. I want someone to share my pains, joys, and everything else with. I slip, daily, between absolute joy, and what seems to be a never ending depression. I know there are medications to make me happy all the time, but, I don't want a superficial happiness. I want to be truely happy.
quote:
Saved from Myself
How often I've cried out in silent tongue to be saved from myself
in the middle of the night too afraid to move
horrified the answer may be beyond the capability of my own two hands
so small (no one should feel this alone)
A NITE WITHOUT ARMOR
~JEWEL
First entry
Date: Feb 16th, 2005 6:27:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: alienated
My first entry into my newest weblog....
Why do I say newest? Because I have 4 or 5 of these around. I don't update often, and each has it's own purpose. This will be the one that I updated the most often, and the only one that I will link to for my friends. This blog will become like a personal journal to me, good, bad, ugly... it will all be here. Those of you that just happen to come across this blog, if you do not know me, will hopefully come to know me as good as some of my friends do. For those of you whom already know me, this is for you.
This blog is allot for me, but, more for you. For my Pixy, my Reiven, my Dominicus... You all know who you are. You are some of the best friends I have ever had. You know more about what has happened in my life than I, sometimes know myself. This shall be a window into my life... Hence the look of the blog. Some of what you will read, might scare you, or make you wonder how well you really know me. Just know this, these writings will be me... the true me... Everything I have been afraid to ask, or tell, will be here. I love you all.
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