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tear sdgsg - Subscribe

There seems to be alot of nothing new. Everything is a blur, and anxiety is up there to. Smoked too much. I feel like im going nowhere, and like theres nothing atal to do. I cant even explain right now, I can but i don't know right now
0 Comments
Mood: grand

tear I love you Dec 4th, 2006 8:38:46 am - Subscribe


I really wish Dad would not get so mad at me, It really hurts me, and makes me feel like shit...He is tired, and overreacting. I have been through alot these past couple of weeks. Its fine if he's angry at me, but the way he acts, and communicates with "GET THE FUCK OFF" "You disobay me" etc...

I will admit that I have my nights where I don't go to sleep at a proper regular time, and I do realize that I need to get into a better sleeping routine. It is Sunday, the last day of th weekend then Monday. So I like to stay up late on the Computer.

Gargh, This is making me angry and frustrated just thinking about Dad getting angry at me, anyone getting angry at me for that matter, and totally exploding.

Today I went to Parksville, I don't want to explain it all. It was a nice time all and all I suppose

happy.gif happy.gif happy.gif

Karley and Tiff, were talking about not drinking so much and doing drugs, but yet it was ironic, because they are usually like I need/want some booze or weed...When I was the one drunk, and wanting more weed that day.

It made me think, that when I first started smoking weed it was just for like little joyus days when doing something fun with people and creative things, but I usually smoke alot of weed alone, etc.

Now I just smoke it alot, all the time, addictin. Fuck me, Fuck me, Fuck me.

Mom is getting sober, I should start sobering the fuck up. I would enjoy things more, and I haven't gone through monthes without either getting drunk/smoking weed. It makes me feel sick inside.

One day at a time.
1 Comments
Mood: zapped

tear Rant Dec 4th, 2006 11:28:23 pm - Subscribe

I woke up this morning to Dad saying get up. I woke up. He was angry. I could tell by his voice. It made me feel like shit, it hurt me. I don't like to be greeted in that way in the morning. His voice was Anger. I put on his hat because I couldn't find mine. He said repeadly to take the fucking thing off. But I said No. And refused. And I kept on wearing it and told him that I can't find mine, and he said well thats your fault you can't find yours thats a 25$ ski hat and I don't want you to lose it. I went into the car, with the hat still on my head.

He slams open my side of the car, and grabs the head fearcefully "Give me my hat". I took that in violence, and I was scarred. I'm always scared when people get right up in my motherfucking face like that. So I yelled at him and kind of kicked "WHAT DO U WANT TO GO TO FUCKING JAIL, FOR ASSAULT, DON'T YOU FUCKING KICK ME."

By this time I was crying like the pathetic little child that I'am. I went into my room. My nerves were shocked. My throat ached. The tears were burning down my cheeks. He yelled at me to get into the fucking car, to take me to his office, to do work for him. I finally had to go in or else he would maek me go in the car. etcetcetc....

I put on the best face I could today. Inside I was dying. I'm dying a little. My soul is tained. School was useless, went up to the career center, to find volunteer work, got more done there then I actually do in R.R. in a week hahaha.

Then Acting class.

Since I was away for pretty much the past week, and the week prior to that. I had nothing atal to do. I felt left out. There was nothing whatsoever for me to do atal. I went out for a ciggerate, the nicotine filled my body along with the muffin I hate 10 minutes earilier.

I came back in Acting class, and sat down with a group, Ryan, covered his mouth "Ew I really hate the smell of ciggerate smoke."

"Are you allergic"

"No its just disguisting."

Suck it up buttercup is what I was thinking. The other 3 people in that group glared at me. I walked away with my backpack. Such a great feeling inside.

I bsaically thought I would come to School today, to get my head off of things, maybe see a few people. A few. Another reason why I should up was to keep me busy with doing shit, So I didn't feel the need to drink the bottle of Rum that a stupidly have and want very badely. Now I'm in the library.

I was going to go to this Choir thing at school...I didn't read the sign properly and it said, starting "January 8th." Greeeeeeeat.

Other than that, I'm just a bit sad and depressed and angry but still trying to be somewhat "happy..." and put a smile on my face. I can't see my counseller Lisa tonight because she cancelled because Her cat died. and she cancelled tomorrow to. Her cat fucking died. I can understand that and sympathize and everything.

It just makes me feel more alone.

Have a good day.
3 Comments
Mood: headachy

tear Moderen romance Dec 10th, 2006 8:53:12 am - Subscribe

Last night in Parksville was grand.

I did an asshole thing, I don't want to be filled with guilt, it was in the moment, and I didn't think, annnd I kind of just went off with Amanda and left her. I apolized. I need to think before I act more. I love you Karley!
I'm really grateful, and happy to have a friend like you. And a friend like tiffy. I'm grateful for all of my friends.


Its weird how i've only met her like twice then yesterday we were making out and stuff and She was kind of drunk and she said "You know what, I think we should date."
Tehe. It made me Smile, the whole night I was fucking smiling....

I don't want this relationship to be like that shitty one with Caitlin, were I barely got to know her and whenever we hung out we were all quiet and stuff and she never relly opened up with me. I want this relationship with Manda, to be special and not just a stupid little fling. I have feelings for her, and I really truly like her, and I hope this will be a good thing.


Anyways
Peace and Love
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Mood: confuzzled

tear Suggestions Dec 11th, 2006 8:11:41 am - Subscribe

I really must learn how to take take things, people, places SO SERIOUSLY. I overanaylize things, and fall too hard for people sometimes. I need to learn how to just relax, and go with the flow.

How can I do that?
2 Comments
Mood: spent