|
The tenson in this office place is fucking horrible. My dad works so hard, he pours his heart and soul into his work, and he does 100% or more too his best abilities. I don't think he should be in Nanaimo. He deserves to work somewhere higher up, more better, instead of having bitchy people to work with. FUCK THAT. Lately I have been getting into a lot of art, writing, photographers, self protraits, self love. Good things like that. I find that art is a wonderful way for me to express myself and my emotions healthly. I really have a passion for modeling. Not fucking fashion modeling, where you walk up and down a runaway, But Emotive photographs, deep photographs, black and white. I really like some of the pictures I have of myself. I'am impressed and actually proud of myself. I woke up this morning at 11:16. I made coffee, Phoned Dad, Phoned Karley, Drank Coffee, Had Ciggerate, Drank more Coffee, Ate a piece of toast, Watched a part of a movie, Had ciggerate, Went on Computer, smoked more, Talked to Sarah, Smoked, Showered, and now I'am here. Oh Joyous. |
|
Today was a pretty marvelous day. One of the best days I have had in awhile. I'm scared because if I have a good day and everything goes well than the next day it will be shit, but I suppose I should just get used to stuff working out and having a good day. Dance tomorrow, Stoked about that, I'm so grateful to not be doing drugs or booze so Happy and Grateful. Thank you God, Thank you for everything you have done and helped me with. Haven't seen Karley in while or Tiff. I shall see them soon. PEACE |
|
I don't know how I feel right now, Maybe I do. I drank for the first time last night in 85 fucking days. It felt weird and incredibally amazing. I didn't get fucking mangled, Just a slight Buzz. I'm not going to lie, I fucking loved it. I love the feeling Alchohal gives me. I'm not sure how I should feel right now. I was in Detox, than fucking Stabalization home. Going to A.A meetings 3, 4 times a week. And all this shit. I'm scared of things going downhill and fucking horrible. I'm scared of God looking down on me and being like "Fuck her" and shitting on me. I'm scared because, I don't even know what to feel. I feel like I'am a teenager, and I feel like I'm not justready too STOP smoking weed and drinking entirely...I want to take it slow in Moderation. But its hard to do that when you have alchohalisim in your blood and a fucking addictive personality to match. I just needed to get this out. I think about how much I have acomplished since I stoped smoking weed, I was a hudge stoner. I'm applying for jobs now, and trying to go back to school. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want to fuck up and hit my bottem. |
|
I never want to be like that... She could see herself in me. So I go outside for a ciggerate, and theres a Jamacian guy out there, than theres this prostitdude/drug accict...I go out there look for a smoke. The Lady is obviously strung out on something. She begins to flail. She asks me to hug her so I hug her, I see her veins there large and blooby and on her arms and legs I see scaps, marks of where she pressed the needle deep into her veins. She begins to talk about things, "You need a hug sweety I can tell, your stressed." She begins to ramble about things, I feel a strong connection to this lady, even though we have never met. She begins to talk about more things how she's seen me around and that I'am a good person. That I'am doing a good job, To keep it up, to keep my chin held fucking high. Fucking stand tall and proud honey. I have never met this woman in my life. She begins to flail more, grinding intop of the Jamacian man. She tells me that were "Twisted sisters." To give me a phone call whenever I need do. That She has my back. Ofcourse, this coming from an apsolute stranger I'am not going to believe it. But I go along with it for awhile. I excuse myself, go inside. I stubble. I'am a bit shocked of what just happend and that unique and random conversation I just had with the woman. I hope she takes care of herself. Shady Lady Lisa |
|
I smoked some green today. 2 nice bowl fulls. It was, horrible. And intense. Everything around me was creepy. I was in the horrible part of downtown, drug accidts everywhere, hookers, homeless people. Everything around me turned 10 times worse, I felt a panick, a rapid heartbeat in my heart and in my legs. All the people around me seemed to times intense and just fucking scary. I think it might have been laces. It was probably the fact that I haven't had weed in forever. I ran into some familiar people. Everything felt so different and 10 times worse and scary. I ran into Gabriel the homeless man about twenty. Very beautiful blue eyes. To get money , he set up this survey, "Who do you think is most intellet." In chock it was written and it said MEN or WOMEN. With 2 hats with some change. Can you support our survery? haha I didn't have any change. I was o fucking stoned it scared me. Gabreil was flirting with me. Saying he was looking for me. I was looking for him to. He has nice eyes. Beautiful. I got stoned because I wanted to and haven't been for awhile. I feel bad, and somewhat guilty. I feel like shit and a bad person because I got high. I saw so much fucked up shit. Everything was so fucked up. I felt like my body was fucking heavy and that I was floaty and had an ora thing around me and that everything was going so slow. I didn't go where I told my Dad I was going to meet him. He freaked out, I wasn't there. I was somewhere else. I feel like everything I saw was so fucked up. Ughhh. Intense. I don't know what you make out of it. I feel disguisted at myself. but the high was so fucking good. I've missed it. I feel horrible though... |