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Sometimes, I just feel so much self-hate for myself. Even something as just looking at another girls photogrpah, comparing, staring. I had an apsolutly fantastic weekend. I've come to relize though that my mental illness is an ongoing thing, depression is an on going thing. Not to sure if I'm bi-polar. I sometimes feel spurts of being manic. As I did today. Then it went away, I calmed myself down. I wish I could just jab myself so deep, that I could just feel, feel beauty in my blood, in my veins... I love life. I'm afraid of death. As much as a fantazie about seriously hurting myself, I know I won't. I won't right now. Not sure what the point of this fucking post was. Adios. |
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I hate this. I hate these feelings that I feel; Shame, Sadness, Emptiness, Depressed, Alone, Empty, powerless. This weekend has been a fucking lonely one. I haven't seen any of my friends. Wasn't feeling too manic. Just Anxiety. Panic. Extreme Sadness. I just feel alot of self-hate about myself right now. I can't stand this feeling of aloneness. I wish I had someone here to hold me, kiss me, tell me that I'll get threw tonight, tomorrow, and everything else. All I have is myself. |
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Baby Girl Just turned two Why so blue, Why so blue? Wraps my hands around her dress Around her body, bones and chest. Hands are frail, shake and swoon. Little Baby, what is sickining you? Why are you so Blue, Why are you so Blue? |
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Another fucking day with nothing to do and noone to see. I feel lonely, depressed, on the verge of having a panic attack and bored. Why why why all these feelings. Fuck. Wake up, do nothing, paint, do random stuff, see my mother, then attempt sleep, and it starts all over again. This cycle |
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Goals and Such: Work on walking more Be more honest with myself Eat more healthy Plan things much better Paint my room Get a new piercing Tea leaf readings with Dad Graduate this year Do the best I can in school Travel to places I love, Victoria, Vancouver, Salt Spring, Hornby Get a job sometime. Focous on my mental health Take vitameins Eat more fruit Associate myself with healthy people Focous on my art More music. More jamming. More singing. |