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don't you wish you could just run away from your life when you thought nothing could possibly make it better? i know i do...i also wish i was older. being 15, im completely helpless. i can't drive myself or make my own decisions, and i'm trapped in a situation i can't escape from. or change. for now all i can do is smile and laugh and pretend nothing about me is different. and pretend i don't give a shit that my closest friends know how bad things are at home for me, but aren't there to listen when my world is spinning out of control. i'm scared and helpless. |
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im stuck at home on a friday, my first day without water polo in like a million years because i feel like shiiiit. its SO much fun! so i've spent the whole day reading james frey's a million little pieces which has taken me months to freaaking pick up and read. i feel like it's been forever since i've seen any of my friends, which SUCKS!! and i want my summer to start being more eventful! 116 pounds mothafuckaas =] |
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okay so i had to spend four days in cold, miserable Georgia and it was actually pretty fun, but the traveling KILLED me. on the plane ride there my family didnt even get to sit together. i had to sit next to a guy with tatoos and rings and necklaces and slicked back hair who looked like he was in a gang. i couldn't fall asleep because i was SURE he would kill me. i was like pushing the lady next to me out of her seat because i was trying to stay away from him. and the people in the row in me would NOT stop talking and the lady had the most annoying laugh i've ever heard. she sounded like my idea of a unicorn neighing. you can beg to differ what that sounds like but you get the idea. so the trip itself wasn't that bad. i got to go the Georgia Aquarium and pet sting rays and stuff like that. it was really cool, I wish i had taken my camera along. i learned how to play darts, which (along with pool) became my best friends. i played in the basement the whole time which resembled Eric Foreman's basement on That 70's Show. Pretty fun. The trip back was the worst part because we had to fly up to Chicago before coming back down to Orange County. The flights were long and turbulent, and there were so many screaming kids that I wanted to scream myself. We got into Orange County at like midnight and it took forever to get our bags. We got all of them, except mine of course which had to get lost with 2000 dollars worth of stuff in it: skateboard, brand new digital camera, all my MAC makeup(no big loss) and a bunch of clothes i dont really care about anyways. i just hope i get it back, because that was the COOLEST camera i have ever owned. it has 12x zoom, and it's just great. Sooo today I'm sitting at home waiting for the airline to call. TRAVELING BITES. |
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the beliefs of a person who has the personality diroder " histrionic": -I am an interesting, exciting person. -In order to be happy I need other people to pay attention to me. -Unless I entertain or impress people, I am nothing. -If I don't keep others engaged with me, they won't like me. -The way to get what I want is to dazzle or amuse people. -If people don't respond very positively to me, they are rotten. -It is awful for people to ignore me. -I should be the center of attention. -I don't have to bother to think things throughâ€"I can go by my "gut" feeling. -If I entertain people, they will not notice my weaknesses. -I cannot tolerate boredom. -If I feel like doing something, I should go ahead and do it. -People will pay attention only if I act in extreme ways. -Feelings and intuition are much more important that rational thinking and planning i guess i no whts wrong with me now. |
| i finally gave into the pressure. i smoked the joint. i liked it. i'll do it again. i no its not an excuse for what happend, theres never going to be an excuse for what happend or what was said, but one of these days you'll understand just how much i love you, and how much truth was in what i said that night. |
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for a lot of my friends being popular is like their life dream, but i didnt realize until today that i don't want to be popular. all the people i used to hang out with hang out at like the lunch tables and stuff at our school, but for some reason i prefer hanging out behind the gym. according to most people, this is where the "losers" hang out, but they don't really know us. we're the kids that could be popular in half a second, but it just doesn't appeal to us. i mean, people look up to the popularsss because they all drink and do drugs and stuff, but that's all. i was talking to this girl i don't know very well, but that hangs out with the same people as i do, and we saw a big group of people moving towards where we hang out. and then she said "great...now all those hoity-toyty kids are gonna come over here" and i don't know why, but for some reason that made it like sooo clear to me why i dont want to be popular. it's like super hard to explain but it's been like killing me to understand why i left behind popularity, and now i know. |
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well, i was starting to think that everything had worked. my whole starting-over-making-new-friends plan. i thought the people i was hanging out with really liked me. but i guess i was wrong. in the last 72 hours ive been told to my face that im annoying. another person told me i was so mean no wonder i had no friends. i know these things arent true about me but when people say it i start to believe them...im just so insecure. so now im thinking i should start over again, maybe a little less confident (note to self:confidence can be mistaken for annoying-ness) i just wish it was easier. people that i thought liked me turn out to hate me 
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so basically its been wayyyy too long since i wrote a blog. and now i don't even know what to write about! sheeshe! well, i think me and my BEST FRIEND shannon are taking a trip to our local thrift store today  . our water polo season starts tomorrow and we need some clothes that we can go in the pool with. oh joy, i can't wait.then, i may attempt to tackle the large pile of homework i was given despite this weekend being 3 days long. alright, i give up. moral of this story: DONT ABANDON YOUR BLOG, ITS HARD TO START AGAIN. |
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| i just went to the doctor....i have mono. ill be sick for a month or so. and i cant go to my tournament in hawaii. my team will do bad. im the goalie. well, some of you said i wouldnt die in your comments to my last blog. lol, thankfully i wont, but i was being sarcastic. i had no idea there was a chance i could...i though i had strep! |
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ive been sick for four days now and havent left my house once. im DYING to get back to my life and BORED out of my mind with computers. theres not much left to do... |
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| uuh...im so over this. my "best friend" (read 2nd blog) is a complete whore. i dont want to hang out with her anymore. i chopped all my hair off. not all but most. everyone thinks im trying to be emo/scene. im not sure. i want to have straight edge friends. i thought the girls i was hanging out with were good. but now they pay people with IDs to buy them cigarettes. i found that out first hand today. im completely lost and dont have anyone. i know im trying too hard to fit in with the scene/emo kids in our town, but its not working. nobody takes me seriously |
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you tell me; fun or not. three days in sacramento. during a heat wave of 114 degrees. but with a 55 degree river. and class 3 rapids. in a rubber boat. mosquito bites. no makeup. not enough blankets. BUT all you can drink lemonade. volleyball courts. cameras. hmm...i think it was fun. on the way home, we saw a semi truck full of pigs. panting. it was 116 degrees. of course, they dont care becase the pigs are being sent to the slaughterhouse and will die anyways. im going vegitarian. and i threw my bottle of water on them so they could have one last drink. harsh... today i went to the thrift store and bought new shirts. so heres descriptions... 1. girrafes/elephants/leaves/tigers. made into a halter. 2. spiderman 3. power rangers 4. blue polka dots turtleneck. in the process of becoming a halter. 5. white turtleneck with confettieish speckles. also in the process of becoming a halter. |
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nothing really to say today. its still the morning. but i went to a really cool antique garage sale and bought a big goose made it of concrete. its heavy, and now it lives in my backyard. i named it ripoff. self explanatory; concrete goose=$25. but anyways im gonna fill out this stupid thing that im posting below. enjoy... IAM:betrayed, lost, and hurt I WILL ALWAYS:stay hopeful I MISS: eric I CRAVE: seeing him I WORRY: that i have no real friends I REGRET: becoming friends with her I AM SLIGHTLY: depressed I DANCE: stupid I SING: in the shower. a lot. I CANT STAND: missing him I LOST: my "best friend" I LIKE: Hawthorne Heights I LISTEN: to my heartbeat I CAN BE FOUND: drifting away into thought I NEED:to see him I KNOW THAT: it will never happen I HOPE: ill mkae friends this year I WANT:people to like me I AM ALWAYS: daydreaming I CRY: myself to sleep I FELL: for the cute letter I WILL: make things work out I WONT: stop trying to talk to you I COULD: look to the future I WOULD: die to see you I DIDNT: want it to end I LOOK: at my scars I HEAR: music playing I HURT: enough to want to be gone I HATE: all the poeple im stuck with I FEAR: loneliness I FEEL: crushed I CARE: about nothing I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO:forget I WRITE: in my diary I LEARN: truths I WILL BE: thinking of him always I SAY: very little I DONT THINK: im anything to him I LOVE TO: take pictures I BELIEVE: in love I NEVER: want to go back to them |
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| uuh my best friend who i thought was a best friend isnt a best friend. shes just there. she betrayed me. and she knows it. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs which i practically did. but let me start my story at the beginning. no need to comfuse you already. the other night [[she]] spent the night. and her little boyfriendish guy decided hed stop by to visit at 1AM. my dad found him sitting on our porch. i didnt know he was coming. im sure she did. so i had a little panic attack that took 2 hours to calm down from. no sorry or anything of the sort. and now shes at his party. with only one other girl. and a group of guys rolling joints. how fun. i was disinvited and they both think its okay for him to come see her at my house. no consideration for how much it could do to me. and thats why my best friend is not really a best friend. shes really a selfish betraying nothing. leaving me completely friendless. which is another story. apparently i narced out a party i was at. not entirely true, but thats what i get stuck with. a big bold label NARC. leaving me friendless. so thats that in a nutshell. and im not proud of the little baby fit i through over it. but its all i could do to keep from losing it. or maybe i lost it... |
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| bummer...i got dumped, lied to, and then found out the truth. i dont like going out with anyone during the summer, but i really liked this guy so i went out with him. before he asked me out, he wanted to make sure i liked him enough to go out with him for more than just a week or so, and i told him id definitely go out with him longer. but he breaks up with me after six days...and tells me he "doesnt want a girlfriend right now." two days later (today) i hear through the grapevine that he has a new girlfriend. what a good liar he is... |