Thoughts on how I'm excisting.
Date: Nov 17th, 2007 8:24:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: mixed
I'm not really impressed with the way I've been treating myself/taking careof myself lately. That definutly does not make me feel good, it makes me have and feel even lower about myself. Low Self-Esteem.
My depression has been worse this past week, very sad. Especially at nighttime. I think thats when alot of people tend to get more depressed, or there depression creeps up on them at night. That is especially when my bad bad bad thoughts come out.
I cut myself this week, only on one occasion. Cutting for me, is something that I feel will always be a part of me, not a large part of me, of who I'am, but a part of me. I have been dealing with self mutalation, cutting, for 3 years of my life now. Its like an addiction, your own secret, something that you carry around on your body, marks that you have put on yourself.
It is hard to cry, to let it out. When I used to cut every single day, that was my release, the rush, my OWN way of crying, the blood was my tears. Tears that just wouldn't come out of my eyes, to ease my soul.
Not getting to bed at a regular, functioning time. I usually fall asleep around 1 am, waking up around 9:30 or 10. It takes me a long time some nights to get to sleep.
Lonliness is a big issue. I have friends, I'm so grateful that I have them, they will be there for me, I will be there for them. I feel lonliness and isolation within myself. I just feel like crawling up in a ball and crying lately. Sometimes, I feel nothing atal with my emotions/depression. Pure Numbness.
Love.
Loving myself is definutly something I need to work on. I'm seeing this girl I really do like. I feel as though, she does not have the time for me, Is not all that interested. I feel she might still like her ex. And that frustrates me.
I just want to feel something.
Sometimes, I feel I'm not "cute" enough, pretty, enough, something enough.
I'm such a passionate person. I'm such a loving person. I care alot about people. All I need to do, is start caring about myself. Because only I can control how I feel, what I do, how I react. That is hard sometimes.
Stress has been a big thing to. Worrying about a dear friend, stressed out and angry about my Dad, Annoyed by my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mother and Father.
Help. I'm seeing a rad counseller, I saw her today and we went to the Womens center, got panflets, then to the haven house. I feel a bit over fucking whelmed. Alot of paper, and stuff I need to read, feel out. Criminal Record check, etc. Phew, take a deep breathe Jen. Don't get to over your head.
Everything that is going on right now, Health, Love, Emotionally, Mentally, is alot to deal with and handle. I'm not complaining, bitching, I'm just writing about how I feel. Which Is something that I haven't done in a while.
This was a long post.
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