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words that die on my tongue, once sole respite, cage me - accuse me of ignoring the truth. I don't want these words. my head echoes with absence. my head a graveyard for words unsaid - unholiest peace. - words move in; use up all the sugar; trash my fragile state of unthinking; tear off the wallpaper, exposing cracks. I kill words on the doorstep, pre-emptive. my domain is of silence and bitterness. no one knocks on my door anymore: loneliest relief. |
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I drift; afloat upon the tides of time and emotion; the waves of my life: a restless sea uneasy and ever shifting beneath me. only glimpses, in sunless moments, reveal the depth; the weight; the darkness, below the surface upon which I ride, balancing so precariously - it beckons, it threatens to overwhelm; to pull me in and under. the instants of shaken resolve and loneliness cast me close to the edge, where I view in dizzying clarity the fathoms-deep despair awaiting and reel back from the drop, the light in me refusing to be extinguished - my saving grace. adrift from all anchorage save for that within myself; I sail on over the deep, endless grey ocean - alone. |
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I wish I were wiser. three days later I put away my shoes and my expectations after that I stop looking at all the photographs and when that's done slowly I accept that it's really over. one of these days, I'll learn but until then I'll probably let me down. the dress hangs on the closet door; I expect no more from it. the chaos of good times made irrelevant by the reality I face. I wish there were more to me than wishing my life is one big good intention left unmanifest. |
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a sanctuary lost. no longer can I stand alone. there is no comfort in solitude. my voice, once the most steadying sound in my world, no longer speaks to me. there is no shelter left for me, nor in me. I seek respite in you. turn me not away. |
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(inhale) tires on asphalt (exhale) wind through leaves night pulse try to be still calm the sounds echoing streets night breathes and sings to me the city's lullaby my heartbeat (breathe in) traffic slows (breathe out) darkness claims |
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a sad condition: I hide to hold out into each singular constant I dive, to drown I dive to be saved I disappear to end it all and to make you notice I am gone. but if any do, none speak - so I dive edge over edge hoping you will witness my fall catch me before impact. a sad condition indeed. |
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I am sorrowful because you are so beautiful but I have no words left for you my eyes, sick with grace and fairness, long for the plain and ordinary there are no love songs left in me you will fade away in silence. |
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this is my life. you were a dream. I hated waking from you. I breathe; I move. but sleep eludes me. and all my beautiful words desert me. |
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you are too beautiful to say goodbye to. wait for me, and miss me, darling, because I am always coming back. |
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I fear this beautiful thing has been scarred by desire. your depths beckon. heedless of peril, I smile - and in; down, down, I dive. we die younger every day. invincible - clocks running backwards to save us. and your cool waters so inviting, ready to pull me in. I drink not for fear that I should drown. and as your tide calls, I resist throwing myself from the rocks - this time - I will make you come to me. I will wait for the rain to feel you on my skin instead of diving in. |
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Forget me, life: I'm not worth living. I refuse to accept the motions of time. The hands of the clock go round still, ticking; but here inside me shadows are motionless. Forget me, world, 'cause I'm not moving. I won't follow you down into the dark. You go on without me - out into the endless field of continuum - and I'll just stay here. Forget me, time. I will not limp forward. More pain in the finite than I can contain. In loving and in living; in losing and letting go - in death, ressurection: indefinite agony. So I won't. So forget me. |
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undesired. I struggle against it my battle unmarked unwanted by you falling apart at the seams, undesired the very thread of my being unwound; unspoken - unwanted cast out. you confuse aiming to amuse yourself and conspire to tire - make me feel undesired I won't bite now won't play games never make you stay - from worlds away, I appeal, an unsealed deal waiting for you to sign or repeal. until you give me all - your safety net, collecting dust - I await the fall. |
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in its teeth I lie still, knowing that to fight only cuts me deeper. at the eye of this storm I bleed, lonely, watching life going on without me. the archaeological marvel of me and my petrified heart - me, the stone, frozen in time. I wander, I wonder, I wish; and I tire of desire, wanting only not to want anymore. so lonely, so empty I can't help but feel that I am a meteor crashing very far from home. I crave change yet revile it with care you preserve me as I am - left behind. |
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across these empty reaches of white and waiting I flee understanding, wanting to remain numb. for my glass heart I fear - words pursue me across the paper. you live in all of my words but you are no longer my home. so I run; and every time I smile, everything I taste or feel - everywhere I go without you knowing where I am - does not seem real. stone that I am, I have not changed my mind, nor yet let the killer hope dissolve inside - my glass heart has not worn to sand. pain follows, but cannot have me. and without meaning to, I hope you read these words: I live like a bird but love like a mountain. so I run, I fly; I become a kite - praying this lifeline you've thrown won't hang me. I fall in flame and wait, desiring to rise again from these ashes. |
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terrible to find the truth of my own glory as it slips away so painful to find the saying true: you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. unbearable to think of all that time I wasted in sorrow when all along I had you! then what had I to complain of? I had you. what tear brightened my eye, what bitterness escaped my lips? I had you. I had you, and I did not fear your loss. oh, child, you learn too late of the joy you held even in your pain. and a joy so close, so constant, it seems, that I took for granted that you belonged with me. even then, with you behind me I should have been stronger should have rejoiced for I had you - what more need I? and here at the dawn of the darkest of times unbearable, to see that I might have been happy - I had you. so terrible to think of chances wasted while I still had your heart forever. |
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what do I have when it's empty - quiet and lonely - in me? I have you - holding me close in photographs; a memory. and where do I go when the silence here every day is the same? I have you - your voice on my answering machine; a memory. so what do I feel when I'm drowning; not wanting another day? I need you - here loving me in touch and sound; not just a memory. I need you loving me for all I am; not trying to forget - I need more than a memory. |
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the dance; the tribal rite - the drum: thud thud slam pound - the beating of a heart: my heart a drum: thud thud slam what comes I know not, but the pounding rhythm hints of pain. my heart, thud thud slam, warns me to be afraid. reckless tempo; wild dance: all is not as it ought - thud thud, slam oh, something is wrong; I daren't seek the truth - the fire leaps; the drum - thud thud slam - my heart pounds harder, terror rising. this dance, an ancient one thud thud slam: I know not what I fear - thud thud slam - my heart, the drum, is wiser. thud thud slam. |
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bitterness made beautiful: my words like circles; my heart the echo of a distant drum's shudders. an emptiness like strangers: a canvas too forbidding - possibilities unchanced, the air awake with potential. bitterness made beautiful: a stab of agony carved in crystal, a starless night cast in ebony - the catharsis of loveliness; despair's breathtaking imagery. the lonely mountains mourning, the white winter forests of my heart awaiting the april of poetry; the thaw that comes in words. the chrysalis of pain's transformation into wisdom. collections of polished moments line the museum of my memory. so as the blade bites in, I turn my veins into blank pages and my blood into words; so the wound becomes a story, a song, a bitterness made beautiful. the depth of hurt: an ocean beneath whose opal waves I drown the loneliness and sorrow that I, in language, cast. a bitterness made beautiful. |
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I keep letting go, ready to throw in the metaphorical towel at the drop of a proverbial hat. and every time I swear 'never again', somehow, you bring me back. I can't keep up to your nereid ways; you slip like water away, again - laughing. but to rage against you is like cursing smoke: you're gone before I even inhale. so I sigh and I wait and you come back in time you awake me; I forgive you all over again. |
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There's always something running through my head, wearing me down. There's always someone yelling in my world; I let it go. Always something I've forgotten or neglected - I look away. Always some secret anguish in my wellspring of worry. Ever a change inevitable, awaiting me - I let it go. Always packing up my things to leave again; I let it go. Ever disappointment when escape is not enough: I numb the pain. Thinking of myself, no regard for anyone else - I let it go; I let you down. |