That's how I fucking feel.

Meeting here at 7:15, but you also have cover this shift at the centre until lunch time, but I'm going to need you to stop and get these picked up form the copier on the westend before noon, and be to the presentation by 12:20. Did I mention that your coworker called in sick and you have to do it by yourself?

I am streched. I also have three classes during the week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. I'm going to the gym, and I still manage to spend time with the family. I am multi-tasking.

Sure I don't see my man much right now. He's working later than I am, and all we have energy to do is to go to bed when it's all said and done.

But everything will balance right? I don't remember ever being this constantly busy. Training soon, Montreal again. Then again in the spring.

I just want some sweet sweet lovin'. A free latte every once in awhile. Traffic to not be a bitch first thing in the morning.

And above all...

One quiet fucking night.
-

My sister got engaged.
Yup.


I am thrilled for her, though at the same time can't help but wonder...

WHY MUST I ENDURE ALL THIS FUCKING WEDDING TALK?

What sort of satan tortures like this?
The fucking worst kind.
That's what.


If they get married in Europe, I don't think I can go. I can't afford that.

Not with the current price of a Latte.
-

Despite how well we sell ourselves, our program; something always leads to another. Can you be here, at this time? Can you cover this persons' slack, can you pull your priorities here, and make time for this appointment?

Multitasking never was a strong suit of mine, but then again, neither was saying no. So, I suppose that would be why I am in the predicament that I am in currently.

Self inflicted, as always. Overwhelmed and loving it, Hating commuter traffic and all those lovely things like cyclists, pedestrians and gas prices that make the drive home that much more sweaty and loverly.

Andrea, you cannot save them all, no matter how many appointments you make, and extra shifts you pull. Save yourself instead.

That would be the best advice I could give myself, if only I wasn't so stubborn to pay attention.

Hey.

The big people are talking, and you need to focus.
Take notes.
Do whatever you need to do, to understand.

The new twist in my job has me extraordinarily busy, and is killing my slacker tendancies. The divorce that is murdering my brother is draining me emotionally, and I wish he'd just come stay with me until it was all over. And I move into our house in twelve days, you'd never know though because I have yet to pack a single fucking box. I am exhausted, and exhilerated all at once. Spelling mistakes are an added bonus.
You can have those,
for free...

-

I must be an adult.

I have a parking pass for downtown - man, I am a high-roller.


Like the fucking Bill Gates of the non-profit world.

-

OMFG.

Yeah, that's right. I have reverted to disgusting webspeak because I am that excited.

I bought my car. And I have the job.
I am the proud owner of a VW Jetta. It's pretty and has a sunroof and stuff.
Not to mention the wheels factor.

I will post pictures of my hideous beast as soon as I can.
But just for the record...
...I love my car.

Yeah.
Just saying.

You know, in case you were wondering.
-

Did you read Alice in Wonderland growing up?

Familiar with the tale?

I feel like I need an adventure, a trip through the looking glass.

It doesn't even have to be a grand trip, I just need some incentive to get my ass in gear.

Any takers?
-

A Monster Inside.

A song to be played in B flat.
---
Hold my hand, in other words,
Baby, kiss me.

I tell myself day in, and day out,
That I mean nothing (am nothing, am nothing)
But I think it's a lie (why deary)
I feed it to myself morning, noon and twilight
It keeps the self esteem, at bay (miles away)

But this morning something changed
Charlie Brown dance party in my head (turn out the lights)
Hopeful thoughts (put the pedal to the floor, baby)
Misdemeanors and miscreants of my past
(floating like dusty ghosts from shelves I've never seen)

I pack my things up daily (unpack, repack)
Place them delicately in the centre of the room and watch
then wipe away all traces of my touch (fingerprints and empty rows)
and again put my memories on their respective shelves

Day in day out.
Somethings missing.
I saw you again, and then had nightmares.
Is it because I miss you.
Is it regret, I suppose I'm too stupid to ever know, (night windows gleam)
Too stupid and jealous.

Always, always, hallways, always.
---

I'm sorry for everything. Not that you'll ever know, I'm far too stubborn to admit I'm wrong.

But you should already know that in your heart.

Right?
-

Umm... I'd like to say that in a Jr.High, Sr. High setting...
...It's likely not a great idea to leave glaring gay porn on the table in the lunch room.

Especially with Bill 44 being passed.

But mostly in general.

---

What a way to end a Friday afternoon. Nothing says have a great weekend like...
A photo of a man going down on another man.
Or a photo of a rather large penis.

Umm... I'm pretty sure that even Pride Week isn't a good defense for that arguement.
Good thing its Michael's fight not mine.
Because I'm sure I'll still be laughing when Monday rolls around.

Those poor Sudanese ESL students.
Nothing says Welcome to Canada like a huge schlong.

---

Fuck, I'm not productive.
I haven't done a stick of work today. I simply have no drive to be here. Stupid making up of hours. Stupid mandatory staff BBQs, and silly creme based coffee drinks that make my stomach angry. Summer must be here.
Our intern is gone, her last day was today.
She was so happy and crazy positive.
I'll miss her.

She must be older than me, but she seems so little.
Naive.
Untainted, and not bitter.

*jealous*


Big picnic this weekend! not necessarily excited, but sorta.

(PS- I'm starting in two weeks at the hospital! Resident baby-hugger! Talk about an awesome way to spend Saturdays!)
-

I should put pants on.

And stop daydreaming.
Life is about accomplishments.
Not dreams.

I freezing in my own home. Why is the weather trying to convice me to turn the heat back on? Why is it I have no real desire to do anything or go anywhere? I'm still half dressed. It's nearly two in the afternoon.

I blame my lack of drive on the bleak weather.

Aisling, Emmeline, Adele, Siofra, Aedan, Addison, Bell, Emmy, Andrea?

Which will I be today?
-

My music is too loud, and my feet too cold.
I have never been happier.
<3
-

My insides are beginning to swell, and cause my becoming mildly uncomfortable.

I don't know if camping will fare this weekend, it's supposed to snow, and rain and generally be miserable.

I've found myself picking fights with people, more specifically those I surround myself with. Or maybe I'm not, perhaps things are just naturally tense. It's hard to tell through the miserable cold weather.

As a plus, I am going to look at a car, that I'm confident I will buy. It will make attending to appointments much easier, if nothing else.

It's a slum-y car. The kind you drive into the ground.

A four door. With clean uphostery.
What more could a girl ask for?

----

I feel unwelcomed. I feel distressed. I feel...
I feel taken for granted.

I tire of being a good sport.
-

Today my cat got hit by a car.
He, my sexy cat, is right now lying at the vet's in a cold metal cage, sedated.

I've been a nauseous mess all day.

I made it in to work today though... I'm not sure why I bothered.

I walked in the door and proceeded to get in shit. Ummm....
I let you know that I was going to be late. I did not ask for my cat to run down and need nearly $1000 worth of medical care.
You cold heartless bitch.

Don't even ask how my cat is...

I'm sorry you missed your doctor's appointment, I did not make that choice for you. You could have called for coverage. I am not the be all nor end all.

---

Meek should be okay. I hope. I'm off, I need to pick him up.

-

Do you want children?

Do you intend to put a large down payment on your future house?

How do you feel about discipline? Spanking? Grounding?

---

What an odd ideal.


I feel like empty. If you were to cut me open, you'd see too. You'd see that I've clean house and made all sorts of extra space inside of me.

But until that space is filled...
...
...I just feel hollow.

Or hallow.
One of the two.
-

Tortured internally, I have been wrapping myself around the thorns of life.

But at least I can smell the rose above me.

---

A slew of familial issues have consumed my life. I fear the funerals will pile up faster than the suspension referals that are swarming in.

My neice is beautiful, and I seem to offset the dying in my life with the sheer thrill of living that she exudes.

Personally...
Personally though...
I am alright.

I seem to be coping with things the best way I know how. Keeping it inside, and avoiding everyone I possibly can.

Likely very unhealthy, but.

I've begun focusing my energy on my future, I've mapped out the semblance of a plan...
Which is progress.
---
Two years. Two Years.
and I'm off....
-

Ever have mistimed wants?

I mean a want, that you shouldn't wish for at this particular moment?

All the things I desire at this moment, I shouldn't want.
I should want normal things...

Travel, Career, School.

Instead I've figured out that no amount of schooling will tell me what I want out of life...
That all those that think that school will figure it out, and 'why not?', They are just as lost as I am.

There are fifty year old people in this world that still don't know where they are going...

Why do I feel the need to have a plan?
To pre-plan out my destiny...
----

On a positive note.
On January third, I became an auntie. I have a beautiful niece named Madison Lea.

----

I want three things.
And in no particular order.
Happy New Year.
-

Today is a tuesday.
We'll refer to today as Food Poisoning Tuesday, shall we?

Not because I am suffering from it, or will receive it today. But simply because that is what my tired mind decided that I should tell work.

I didn't, mind you.

I considered calling in sick, putting on my best
'i've been throwing up all night'
voice and sleep blissfully for the remainder the day.

My new years resolution is to work out three times a week. So far its been going really well. Turns out this free YMCA plus membership that tags off of my job is pretty well amazing.

Towels and conditioner, Q-Tips and Flat Irons, Coffee and tea, private hot-tub and steam room...
...Razors and shaving cream
...
I literally could live there.

Although I am brutally sore today. I need to slow down, my life has been crazy right since the 19th of December. I want time for myself, so maybe I could finally be a friend. Maybe do some laundry. Maybe even go through my Christmas gifts.
---
The AUNTIE ANDREA countdown has started...
Only 23 days, maybe less...

-

Why isn't centre recognized on my computer as a correct spelling? I live in Canada, where my computer was programmed and peiced together...

And yet I must still spell centre, center.
Centre.

I had a rather sad afternoon. I exchanged words with a worried lover. I peeked on my frantic Nellus.
And then SHE came.

This sad twenty-five year old woman. She was all waddled up in, I'm sure what was all of her clothing. Carrying a beat-up backpack on her back, she was out of breath as she hunched down into one of lobby chairs. She is eight months pregnant.

Her mother in-law just kicked her out onto the streets with no where to go, because her capital housing application was denied, and she doesn't want to look after her anymore.

So here she is. This blatently pregnant woman, who very well may have to have her baby on the streets in the coldest month of the year.

Merry Christmas you cold hearted bitch.
Seriously.

I love my job, but sometimes, I swear I'm just going to start bringing everyone home with me.

Even crazy no-shoe guy.
-

I watched the old school Grinch cartoon last night, and it made me really crave the stupid cliched, worry free and inebriated with happiness, feelings that have filled christmas television shows, and movies for all of these many years.

I want singing, and laughing, and smiles, and sneaky hand-holding.

This year.

This Year.

That is what I wish for, I want to be Cindy Lou Who.




I want to actually finish up my meager Christmas shopping, and trapse through our freshly aquired snow. Dancing to Sinatra and Crosby, swinging my arms and twirling with baubles and garland wrapped around me.

Yup. That's me. Andrea the Christmas gift.
Open me and be doused in hopefulness.
-