Monday heralds in December. We have no snow, I have no tree ornaments, and still need to pay rent.

I am, simply put, tapped.

I wish that I suddenly had money to actually spend on people this year for gifts. But truth is, I'm beat.

I have not a clue in my pretty little head of what I should get Spencer for Christmas.

I want to eat some Alphaghetti I think, the Scooby Doo stuff.
Maybe that will make our bleak winter seem more personable, and allow me to put on some clothes, possibly even get some things done.




I want an address book for Christmas.
-

I sit in my office, and stare out, past the blinking Christmas lights, and ratty old garland.

I look at my calendar, the one with the bright pink post it tab to indicate the date, the one I spend a lot of time staring at.

I look and see that hag Pearl is hovering around my office again...
..Steal my tape...

I was thinking that a semblance of an update would be nice...

What is new in my life?
I moved out from the tyranny of my parents house.

I have a new job for the YMCA, well, newerish, since September... It's pretty fantastic.

I'm going to be an Auntie soon...

My man is gone for three weeks... and I've suffered through half of that already...

My trellis dwelling Nellus and I are set to imbibe and watch some sappy happy chick-flicks.

I flip from personable to miserable without even getting the memo. I feel bad for my co-workers... I'm a little unhinged. I would like to think it's just me being lonely, but I think its a little more specific.
I am tired of taking my shit out on the people who don't deserve it.

-shrug-
I want it all.
-

Thus ends my night of randomness.

you are the best thing that life could have given me

I spent the day reliving eighth grade social studies. The Prince reread, and reinterpreted for the mind of a thirteen year old.

Turned down a pubcrawl, which ended in a face full of pepper spray for my inviter... and a an endearing nickname earned...
Right two-face?

My brother showing up on my doorstep, locked out of mom and dad's place because he had snuck out to see his girlfriend...

The decision to dress like a bar-star to simply walk to McDonald's for a happy meal. Ending in cat walking down the sidewalk in the cold night air.

And now you ask? Beside the numbing empty hole that is gaping in my heart... I'm doing alright. A heap of Snap Peas later, and curling up to watch The Goonies.

I miss my man.
It's not the absence that is hard on me.
It the not knowing...

...The not know that's hard.

Time to wipe off my impromptu raccoon eyes, and my ruby mouth, and tumble haphazardly into the realm of dreaming.
The last place that lies serenely.
-

Andrea's all growed up.


Look at the big girl tumble down the street, happily kicking up clouds of dust in her wake. She leaves friendship strewn in the dirt, and all she sees is endless possibilities ahead.

I'm actually excited about Christmas this year.

Me, the Christmas cynic....
{{{{Insert shopping break}}}}

Ok, back. Christmas gift wrap and bows, and baubles later...

My life is not nearly as interesting as it used to be. Or perhaps, I just have grown up and don't use fancy words, and symbolism to try to appear niftier than I actually am.
-shrugs-
Who knows?

Happiness is contagious, thus is why I love my job.
I've been having dreams about you lately,
ones where you and I are friends again,
and you understand,
and I bash the bitch's face in.

But I suppose such sentiments belong in the wonderlust of dreams.
-

By nature.
From nature.

I don't know what to say.
I'm speechless.
It's uncanny, that after all these years of talking obsessively about nothing, that I have nothing to say.

I can't even shed a tear for you. Not with how this worked out. You can't even imagine.

- - -

So birthdays come, and school starts, and new shoes wear out.

But are we still the same? Do we change at all or does capitalism force us to think that way?

I'm so hungry I can't even ramble some sense out...
-

SSSTTAAAAAARR!

I'm mopey. I'm happy. I'm disinterested.
I don't know what I am.
Andrea.

Lately, I find that I have secluded myself from friends and family. It was lonely, but now...
Now its cumbersome.

Start new work soon, this year will be my definitive. I will finally have the time to see what I really want. If it includes Edmonton, if it includes more school, if it even includes my friends and family.

I find my nature purely parasitic, and because of it, I feel I have ruined many friendships, and many opportunities. I will not do this any more.

I desire the old Andrea. The Andrea who dressed like a hobo, and didn't try to come across as sophisticated and mature by trying to dress the part...
Who still nerded up comic book stores, and read books for FUN, and didn't try to sound pointed and witty while discussing the finer points of Klimt and Titian's artistic careers.

I keep pretending to be someone, hoping that's who I'll end up being.

~~~

When will I just learn to be me, and leave the acting to the primadonnas....
-

So, Here it is.

My signed confession. My red handed apprehension. My size seven footprint at the crime scene.

I am actually starting to enjoy my job, I enjoy going to work in the morning. I enjoy eating my lunch, and walking my meager walks. I enjoy that thrill of when four thirty hits, and it’s almost time to go home. I love little things, like the library calling to let me know my holds are in. I like cooking silly foods, and doing bare necessity laundry, and showering after a long busy, hectic day. I like little things, like calls from friends, and texts from loved ones, and a long hug after a frustrating moment.

Is this me accepting the fact that an adult life is filled with the mundane, and hardship? That yes, indeed, it is possible to find satisfaction within a repetitive and controlled routine?

All I need these days to be living the dream is a place of my own, so I can live my boring yet somehow fulfilling life as a anti-socialite.

That’s all I want.
Minimal school, no more family, and just…

So. Another week gone by, another Friday almost done. This weekend I shall grace the Calgary Zoo with my presence.

I'm hyped.

Twenty, and never been to the Calgary zoo.

Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.
-

I watch the clock, tick away the day...

And that is my day.
---

I miss my best friend, and I miss my ability to sleep until ten, and the ability to do things during the day.

I like the pay check, but I still live at home so, how well am I truely doing?
---

On the inside I am miserable.
I love Spencer, and miss Nellus, and I loathe my family.

WHen will this all change?
-

And wonder why it is in my room, with me,
Naked on a computer chair,
Crossed legged,
Ashamed.

Hiding from a job that I loathe,
That has ruined my weekend,
That has me scared.

-

My family is gone to Jasper for the weekend, the brother has a hockey tournament.
Yesterday night I got the nastiest, and degrading message left by the one ally I thought I had left at work.
It has left me crumbled, and shattered.

I am too scared of what people think.

So as I sit here cold, contemplating...
I feel so immature.

I am actually hiding from her. Just like with the last position I had...
It is so demeaning.


Save me from myself.
-

I don't want to look forward to the mundane anymore. I am tired of looking forward to starting my new job, which will only be good for a week or two and then it will be subject to the same shittiness that all of my jobs end with.

I want to look forward to shiny new purchases, like Spencer's new truck, and fancy new adventures like Nell's summer long Europe trip.

Instead all I look forward to is...
"Hello Premier Vanlines, Andrea speaking, How may I help you?"

I want something new.
-

Take the time, Take the time to move it out...

What a fucktard misery induced hate shit day.
And you know what. All you english majors can fuck Right off... I know that isn't a proper sentence.

How's that.

How can life fuck you over so hardcore, so inevitably and so cruelly....
When you've turned your leaf and attempted to please?

Fuck.

Call it Karma, call it fate, I call it fucked up.
I don't know what I want.
I know what I don't want, and yet....
They aren't the same at all are they?


Make this existence worth something. Anything. Anything at all.
Give me a purpose, and an aptitude.

A skill.
A love.
A desire to keep on.
-

You know, I hate the cliche anti-valentine crap. No one really likes the holiday, get over yourselves.

St. VD Massacre strikes again.
One up from last year even.

And that's a hard one to top.

I hate exams, and snow, and fucking responsibilities.
-

My life has been been pretty good lately. Today was rather horrid, and testy, but it can only look up, right?
I hope so.

Midterm week, before Spring Break.

Three exams and I'm done... Mentally I'm already done, but i'm trying so hard to study.
Can't you tell...
Me blogging and all...
Ahahah....

I cannot wait until Friday afternoon. Say one o'clock. When I have a whole week to myself, no work, just love.

So excited, not even Gerald, or my family can ruin it.
-

Two weeks of the house to ourselves...

And a celebration of one year of calling each another our own...

Culminate tonight.

We celebrated our first anniversary together on Friday, dinner and dancing, and fancy undergarments.
Was fabulous.

Family returns tonight. Breaking up our desired sleeping arrangements...
Back to weekend visitational rights...

We have been spending most of our days playing old Nintendo Gamecube games, and wishing to find the 64 so we could play some quality Zelda...
...Nerds.

I love it.
-

Who feels jealousy's cold hand against their neck...
Who has those doubts...
Those sickening worries...

Not the only one who has been toyed with and tampered upon.

So I hope you can understand. Just as I did for you.
That trust isn't always as straightforward as it might seem.

I have a hideously hard time trusting anyone.
My family, my friends, my co-workers.

I hate having trust issues with the one person that I know loves me...
But here they are.

I have never asked about those before me. Nor will I.
I don't care to know.
I don't want to know the feelings you shared with the others.
All I want to know is that they were there.


All that is important to me is that what we share, is important to you.

And that much I know.
And for that much I am thankful.
Thankful for having you with me in my life.
-

Can leave me well enough alone.
Boo.

Perhaps Christmas would be a pleasant holiday if it wasn't for forceful reminders of why this holiday died for me when I was nine.

I just want photoshop'd proofs of love.
Exams to go to hell in a hand basket.
My wallet to waltz back into my arms.
My love to stop working retarded hours.
Nell's love to make realistic plans for her birthday.

And...

To be happy.
Above all.

I want a Charlie Brown Christmas. With singing, and hopefulness, and happiness, and friendship and lessons learned.

So many hopes for this Christmas...
...I hope they're not dashed to bits on the rocks.
-

It kills time and forces petty judgment to work its way out of me.

I loathe and somehow love it all at the same time.
Gah.

I have on fun paper due on Wednesday,
and a shit oral presentation on Tuesday.

Then this semester will truly die.
A couple of exams and its the holidays.
Excitement?
Yes? No? Not quite.

Sigh. All I want is to be left alone by the torments of familial obligation.

Too much to ask.

Though!!!

Boy wonder agreed to my terms, and this week will show some fanciful proof we exist together.
Joyful Ode Ensues.
-

Sigh.


It won't die.
-