Napoleon's Feet - a graduate student's step(s) between the sublime and the ridiculous

FIFTY FOUR

Sep 26th, 2008 11:51:17 am - Subscribe

thank goodness this week is over. hopefully next week wont be such a struggle.

things started to look up yesterday morning after a conversation with a professor of mine. its hard to ask for any real help in graduate school, but after weeks (indeed, a few months) of wavering on my inside minor field options, i spilled all my anxieties. i asked for help. ultimately i think i needed to be reminded why i am here - and truthfully, it isn't to get out as quickly as possible. if this path is to be meaningful, ive got to make sure i get the most out of it as possible. im not afraid to take a bit longer to complete the inside minor i am considering, but once in a while i think i need someone to tell me "this is the right decision. you are making a good choice." graduate students often have to learn to take care of themselves through this bizarre and arduous process. but every once in a while it feels good to get a proverbial pat-on-the-back.

FIFTY THREE

Sep 11th, 2008 6:10:15 am - Subscribe

while i was giving my first undergraduate lecture (just filling in for an absent professor) i literally forgot about the hours i had spent waiting in sheer terror for these moments. for sixty minutes i spoke, i asked and answered questions, i walked around, i pointed to images, i communicated. what was more surprising to me, and ultimately more thrilling, was the fact that a number of students participated in my discussion, enthusiastically and thoughtfully. i even got my first positive feedback, which really makes me feel swell about this huge component of what i am aiming to do with my life.

it goes without saying that most graduate students will feel terror at the prospect of teaching or lecturing. but need it be brushed under a rug? even the most seasoned professors must get jittery sometimes. why dont people talk about this? why isnt this even an issue when we are welcomed into graduate school? i wonder if there might be a way to ease graduate students into the teaching environment prior to their AI appointment. i cant imagine why we should feel ashamed for feelings of anxiety. public speaking is one thing : teaching is quite, quite another.

yet i cant help but pat myself on the back for what i consider a job well done. i was terrified until i turned on my powerpoint. the class was small, the discipline and topic were foreign, but i was reasonably prepared. i know not all of the classes i will teach in my career will run so smoothly or pleasantly, but its enough for me for now to know that they can, in fact, be positive. would it be lame to express enthusiasm for the next lecture i will most likely give in the near future? no matter. lame is the new cool, i hear.

FIFTY ONE

Aug 21st, 2008 6:58:45 am - Subscribe

ive been living out of suitcases for so long i feel like ive lost several important items.

because the house is upside down from painters and renovators, i am also predicting that these items - whatever they may end up being - probably wont be unearthed for a great many weeks after ive left.

my next prediction is that at least a small number of aforementioned important but possibly lost items will, in fact, never turn up; having been left inside drawers of units removed from the house, or given away to workers for their own abodes.

my final prediction is that i will spend at least a few hours feeling physical anger and frustration toward myself once i register that these items might possibly never find their way to me, largely due to my own inability to keep things in order. i will most likely smack my own forehead with the palm of my hand a number of times. its a wonder ive gotten this far in life with about as much organisational skill as danny bonaduce in the partridge family. it often seems otherwise, but im pretty sure most of the time im faking it.

FIFTY	Aug 13th, 2008 11:56:20 pm - Subscribe
this weekend while running up brunswick avenue in toronto, i fell into a hole of wet concrete up to my thighs. i stood in place and screamed loudly. afterward i crawled out and walked about four steps before falling into the next hole of wet concrete, up to my thighs. then an anvil fell on my head. this actually happened, at least, everything but the anvil.

FIFTY TWO	Aug 22nd, 2008 5:53:44 am - Subscribe
yup, i lost something.