..I woke up and didn't feel like going to 2nd period. Mike had texted me saying he didn't feel well so he wasn't going to go and that class freaks me out being on my own. I knew that once my mom left it was my choice, so I skipped it and made myself some breakfast.
I started wakling and Mike calls to tell me he was going to school afterall and that he was leaving right now. He was pissed about going but his aunt made him since she didn’t know he had stayed home. He saw me walking and picked me up and I waited with him till the bell rang. Of course he was all moody and sick so it wasn't like we usually are. I actually rather would have been in class. So now I'm sitting here in my first class for the day. Lunch will be next and then just 3 more. Today will go by pretty fast, I can feel it.
Last night wasn't too good though. It was good and bad, I mean. Me and Josh had talked on AIM and for once we didn't argue. It was soo shocking but it felt good. We talked about video games, not no huge deep ass conversation but it was something. I don't think we've had a decent conversation since months back. Then later that night Mike called and I had told him I talked to him. I felt like if I didn't and he found out somehow then he would be mad at me, so I didn't want it to seem like I was hiding something from him. We got in an arguement this time, not me and Josh. He was yelling I don't wnat you to talk to him, but I honestly feel like he has no right to tell me who I can and can't talk to. He got soo pissed. He was barely talking to me and when he did it was one word responses in his grouchy voice. I said I lvoe you but I'm not going to stop talking to someone, I'm not going to ignore him. And he was like I don't see why it's so hard for you to forget him. He sounded hurt and it made me feel bad. I kept asking why he didn't want me talking to him, why it was such a big deal, but he kept telling me it didn't matter, that he was mad, and that I can do what I want. I finally got it out of him towards the end of our conversation though. He told me he was afraid of me and Josh to get close again..he was afraid to lose me..and right then and there my eyes got watery. It was the first time he actually showed me he cared enough about me like I care about him. I've been feeling so down without him since I can't see him so I kept getting the feeling he was losing interest. I felt loved then and there. I smiled and said I love you.
Yesterday was pretty bad. Besides the fact that I'm still grounded, a lot of drama went on thanks to him.
First, I woke up to Mike calling me telling me he had quit his job because the manager ticked him off. He said he'd call me later so I hung up and went back to sleep. I finally decided to not be completely lazy and got up and played guitar hero 2 for an hour or so. My mom was at work and called to tell me she was renting some movies when she got out and if me and Matt were hungry she'd pick up food. She got bakers and rented that movie with the rock, nacho libre, and the break-up. Then I went online and was talking to Mark for awhile while I was messaging Josh. Of course, me and Josh were arguing, but I was trying to make peace with him. I figured everything between us still hasn't been "let go of" because he still holds a grudge against me. I told him how I didn't want there to be a wall between us anymore, that if he didn't want to talk at all I'd understand, but I didn't want grudges held anymore. He said he didn't have a grudge (bull shit) and I said Obviously you do if you throw the past in my face everytime we talk. Then I just got pissed, frustrated, and hurt. I don't know if he'll ever let that go. I didn't even directly hurt him, he was just hurt cause I didn't lose my virginity to him. Which I think is really stupid considering how close we were. I mean, yeah, he can be hurt..I would have been hurt to if it were the other way around but not enough to hate someone who you thought you loved. I loved that boy more than anything. He was my best friend and my world, and now he's this guy who hates me.
I had made a new screen name and before Josh had told me to add his new sn and I had but he was never on. So when I loaded my BL on my new sn he was signed on. Turns out he had me blocked that whole time. I IMed him, of course, even though we had fought earlier and he left me saying "go talk to your bf." I still said "hi, it's steph." I just can't delete him from my life the way he's trying to do to me, or the way he has...I don't know. It was a very short conversation though. Not a big deal at all. Of course he had to start shit up by saying "why'd you have to fuck everything up?" Though right after that he said he had to go so we didn't get the chance to argue. That's good cause if we had I probably would have felt like shit the rest of the night.
So after he left Jane signed on. It was good speaking with her. She's such a great friend. It was almost nine and Mike still hadn't called me back. I hate when he does that. He'll say he'll call me but I get so impatient and especially cause everytime he decides to call me back really late. So I texted him, "goodnight then." and he called me. Figures. We talked till 12 and I let him go to sleep cause he has a 0 period. Our conversation was very interesting. At first it was silent and the kind of awkward you get annoyed by, but after a little bit things went back to normal and we're cracking jokes and I'm smiling on the other end of the phone. He does that to me good. Then the conversation got sexual. It's weird. He's the only boy I've ever been comfortable enough with to talk about things like that to or say stuff like that, if you know what I mean. We are so close emotionally and physically.
There's a lot more I want to say but the bell's gunna be ringing soon so I'll end this now and update later.
I really need to start updating this thing. I keep forgetting about aeonity, sorry guys, livejournal has just been my usual journal. But I will continue to post if people actually read it..
Anyways. I'm in class now. It's our last day and winter break begins! I'm excited. I'm not going anywhere special but I've missed sleeping in, waking around 12, getting fully ready (the best I can look) and going out till as late as I want, not having to worry about a thing. That was probably a huge run-on, but who cares.
Last night was the oasis show with seven buried. He was suppose to show up but I guess he didn't or I just didn't see him. By the way, since I know none of my friends read this, when I say "He" I'm referring to my formal love, Joshua. The boy I'll probably never get over. And Mike is my actual boyfriend. And yes. He knows all about Josh. I felt like if he didn't I would be keeping something from him and since I'm an honest person I let him know right when we started dating. So no worries. I'm not THAT horrible, haha.
Well I was really looking forward to going last night, expecing him to be there, cause that's what my buddie Mark told me. It would have been a replay from the party last time, except this time I was planning on saying something for once. Or maybe a smile at least. I was so nervous before I showed up, and for no reason at all since he wasn't even there. Mike was though. He was kinda distant though. He might have been because he was sick but I don't know. Jane tagged along with me so that made me happy. Otherwise I think I would have been standing on my own.
Well come to find out one of my good ol friends, Emily, who I've known since 7th grade has a new life goin on. When I say that I mean, this whole year she's become distant with me, and now I finally know why. She's a crack head. She smokes speed every day and looks for empty cans everytime she runs out of money. I guess her parents found out that she gets high every day and they're taking her out of my high school. It's dissappointing. I guess she's become pretty addicted. She's shooting up and shit. It explains a lot now. The loss of weight she was getting, always wearing shades, and why everyone would ask me if she smoked. I always thought she wouldn't have because she was so against it. But I guess I was wrong. I wouldn't care much if she smoked bud, but speed...fuck...that's going to fuck up her life even more than what it's doing to her now. I've seen people die from that shit. I wouldn't touch it. I'm glad her parents caught her. She needs to get off that shit.
Man, so much is going on with people around me and all I can do is watch it happen. There's no stoping, there's no pause like a film, there's just the continued mistakes and regrets people make by the second. I know I've made mine.
There are so many reasons the night is long...it's longest when I'm lying awake, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Staring at the darkness, going over all of it...back and forth...and the clock ticks on...I was a wreck last night.
First off, my dad didn't let me go out because I went out the night before. That's some gayshit. I have a's and b's, I'm a good kid, I don't do ANYTHIGN, I haven't caused any problems or talked back, and I'm a senior, I should be allowed to go out adn have some fun.
The plan was to go with Mike to his friend's birthday party. I wasn't really wanting to go, but I would have because he always comes with me places, so I figured I owed him. I told him I couldn't go in a text because he was at work. Then he kept asking dumb questions like "wanna go to the movies?" Obviously I can't go anywhere, why would I be able to go to the movies. So that kind of annoyed me from the start because I wanted to go out and I couldn't. Then we started arguing threw texts because he said I was being a jerk when I really wasn't. Then he said he was going to come over but acted like he didn't, and wanted to go to his friend's party. So I told him to just go and I'll just order pizza and watch a movie. Then it got into this big ol' deal about him not going to the party, so I was just getting more annoyed and told him to just go because he acted like he didn't even want to come. Then he got annoyed from me being annoyed, haha!
He ended up coming over. He got there before me because I had to go pick up matt from the movie theater. Everything was fine. We watched Pretty Woman cause it was on TV. Then before the movie was even over he wanted to leave to the party. I got kinda upset, because I barely saw him on Friday since he ditched school and had work. Then he worked all day yesterday, got off at 6, and finally come over around 9, and then left at 10. An hour just went by too fast to feel like anything, so I was bummed and I guess it showed. Me and Mike got in our first fight. He said I was being an ass and I said I just wanted him to stay a bit longer before he left. I know I'm pretty stubborn. But identification is the first step to recovery, right? Lets just say it ended with him walking out and slamming my door. Then starting his car and burning out his wheels. I went outside to say goodbye at least and he stopped in the middle of the road, looked at me, and then took off. I went back inside, went to my room, cried, and texted him.
"Forget you then."
-"You made me mad."
"I wasn't trying to."
-"be like that then."
Did he really expect me to be nice after him leaving like that?
So the rest of my night was shit. I cried soo much. I realized whenever I do cry it's because of everything that I keep inside finally lets out all at once. And as I cried I kept saying in my head that I wasn't happy. We did make up in the end though. I said sorry for being mean, he said sorry for leaving the way he did. Then I fell asleep..tried to at least.
Today's our one-month. I can't believe how fast it's come. It doesn't even feel like it. I'm not sure what we're doing. I wanted to go to that horrorfest but he's working, and I have no one to go to it with. I bought him some of his favorite candy and a card that sings, "I feel gooooood." It made me smile so I hope it does the same for him.
I just wish all the thoughts in my mind can be placed in a jar that can be open or shut whenever I choose. When a connection is lost, is it dead forever? Can feelings change and grow and hide and come back? Or do they simply live or die? I'm going to try to stop making things so black and white.
<B>Till the end. In the rain. After it's all over. Before I know. When I'm all out. When no one's around. That's how I love you.</b>
Last night was hard.
Last night was heartbreak.
Last night was..well..
Me and Mike showed up at Erik's once Mike got out of work.
It was about 9:30 and us four (angela, joe, and us)stood by the gate that leads to the backyard. We were just standing and talking.
Then I saw a boy with long brown hair and a hoodie on..
he looked familiar..
I looked closely but he kept his head down..
the way he walked though caught my attention.
There's a certain way each person walks, and I knew that walk very well.
It was him. He was at the party.
Instantly, my eyes got watery, I pulled Angela with me, and walked away.
I swear to God, I couldn't believe I was crying just from the sight of him..but I was.
I sucked it all back in so Mike couldn't see.
We went in the back once we heard Mark testing the drums.
The whole night me and him would just stare at eachother.
I would when he wasn't looking.
And Angela said he would when I wasn't looking.
Sometimes our eyes would meet and I'd turn away.
It was so hard and I felt like shit.
It was my first time seeing him since I went to his house when Ashley and Janae took me.
That was like 2 months ago. Maybe more, I'm not sure.
Me and Angela had to pull away from the boys a couple times to talk.
Both of our "loves" were there. It was crazy.
But it was nice having someone be there with me through the night
knowing how I felt.
I couldn't help but look at him though.
The way his hair fell in his face and the way he smiled..
God, I missed him.
We didn't talk though..just stared from afar..
But he still looked at me the way he always did..
I still saw it in his eyes.
As it was in mine.
I'll never forget that.
We left early and I got home an hour early.
For some reason I knew something would change after seeing him..
so I just wanted to be home, put my headphones on, and think.
He texted me.
"U didn't say hi"
me-"I didn't think you'd want me to"
me-"Why didn't you?"
I don't know..
He still has my number and I thought he deleted me.
I guess that made me smile, even though it shouldn't have.
"Tell me you love me
come back and hold me"
Coldplay's songs explain my love life very well. haha
So that was night.
And now I can't stop thinking about it all..
Should I have said something?
Should I have just went right up to him?
I wanted to yell 'I love you, why can't you see that!'
I wanted to grab him and hug him and tell him he's still apart of me.
I wanted to..
The things I'm not allowed to think about.
The things I need to let go of.
I haven't written in this thing for quite some time now. Look at the date below. A lot has changed with my life in just that amount of time.
It's easy to lose something so easily and never have that chance to gain it back. I lost somebody close to me. I lost my best friend. The boy I'd turn to for anything is no longer there. The way things ended was even shittier. It came out of no where. I've cried enough and I will not allow myself to continue feeling guilty for something I shouldn't feel guilty at all for. He pushed me away, I must remember.
With that said. A particular boy came into my life. Maybe to fill the blank? Either way, he filled it well, and now we're dating. It was hard for me at first. Especially after the "loss" I had, but I realized I was going to give up on someone who could be great for me for nothing at all. My best friend or whatever you want to consider him, wasn't going to come back, and I've finally accepted that fact. It tears me apart, but there's nothing I can do but let go. No one said being strong was easy.
Lets see..I'm doing extremely good this year. I have straight a's. Yup. Straight A's! I love saying that because this has never happened to me before..sadly. I've always been the lazy, 'i don't care' person, but I've really got myself together. I guess that's what your last year does to you. It shocks me thinking this is my last year in high school. This is the last year I'm not "on my own." Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. I'm a shy girl and I'm not very good of being on my own. I know I'd be alright, I'm just not ready to be. We'll see how things feel by the end of the year though.
Which brings me to my goal. After high school I have to go to Valley. Which isn't bad, I'm not complaining much, it's just I have no other choice. I don't have good enough grades to go to a University, though a community is way cheaper and I'm fine with that. I'm going to major in Journalism, try getting an intership with AP (Alternative Press magazine) and if that all works out looks like I'm moving to Ohio! It's the only way I can work for them. I doubt that they offer online working. That would be the toughest part for me..leaving California..leaving my friends and family. Of course I'd only be out there until I gain enough experience and knowledge about the company to create my very own magazine. That's when I'd move back.
I love reading old entries on my oldddddd livejournal. And when I mean old, I mean 2004 old. It kinda bums me out a bit though because I wrote about a boy I used to know, a boy who went on in a different life. I boy I'll be seeing once my life is taken as well. I miss him a lot. I miss you Good Friend! I miss you.
June 6, 2006
You don't generally like to question things too closely, in case you notice a flaw that could mar a seemingly perfect situation. However, the current astral configuration may cause you to have some thoughts about your latest relationship, and whether it is actually good for you or not. If you are beginning to notice cracks in the wallpaper, there is no point in covering them up.
Even my horoscope knows I have no luck.
It's just words...
words that have been long to tell...
words that'll take your heart away
Does it all just happen so fast? Life, death, that one hit you took that made you feel so alive. I don't know if I'm capable of being put through it again. The funeral, and the guilt; it's already too much to overcome, I don't need another to add to the list.
I wish she would stop socking her face. Doesn't she realize she's socking me too? The other night she wrote me a letter when she was buzzed off the vodka we stole from "the babies." She wrote about drowning and forgetting everything. Then the next day told me not to worry about her. It's funny how she thinks it is so easy to forget something that serious, and how I've already experienced and regret not helping my good friend. She is starting to say the same things he used to say. It's a scary feeling. I just hope she doesn't take a step further the way he did. But hope can only get you so far.
I'm going to begin using this journal again. Especially since livejournal has now been blocked from the school websites.
Everything lately has been a downfall for me. It seems as though i'm paying a price for messing up all these years. Its finally kicked me in the ass.
I have shitty grades, i've been grounded for quite awhile now, and i'm not off the hook until december 6th. Friendships are getting screwed up, and so is my love life.
|There's so much to update about, and not enough time.|
Friday, Aug 19th-The funeral had to be the worst experence i've been put threw this summer. Actually, the only day that deserved tears. I walked in dressed in blue, while everyone was wearing black. I knew that would happen. When we were allowed to finally go in (once the father arrived) we all took our turn looking inside his casket, looking at him. Right when i walked in the room my eyes got watery. I walked beside my mom towards the casket. Jane and the emily's were ahead of me, I was next. I didn't want to go. I didnt, but I did. I cried, and i stared. It was too weird, and I would not let myself cry anymore. I sucked it all back in me, as i heard my mother cry beside me, praying to "god". By the end of it all, i walked out with Amanda, the entire time not letting myself cry was finally let out onto her shoulder. I hugged her hard. Then i saw that everyone was watching me, and sucked it all back in again. Gave Jane a big hug and took off. No more crying Stephanie.
Saturday, Aug. 20th-Kerry had stayed the night the entire weekend and what joy I have when she's here. She is like the sister I never had. We went out to the jr.high like always and smoked up my pack. mmm. We went to the inland center mall, and I realized how much I hate it there. I bought a few things though. And I just had to buy SIN CITY! Im seriously so inlove with that movie, its unreal. Then later on,saturday night, vanessa came over. Good times, good times. The p.e crew reunite? It was fun, and i enjoyed my weekend. It also let me NOT think about the event that took place on friday. It helped me NOT cry, like I plan on doing. Like i've planned.
Monday, today, Aug. 21st-Work is exhausting but thats a 'go figure'. Had piano lessons today, and I actually did well. At least in my opinion. I learned jingle bells, finally! Yeah, I have a long way to go. Tomorrow im going to the mall, right after work, with the only boy whos keeping me smile, Ian. We are picking up kerry too. I'll be with my two favorite people right now, and I like it.
This whole week has been busy,busy,busy. I don't even think i've had the time to rest for awhile, like i normally do. Haven't had the time to just lay on my floor and listen to music for hours.
Saturday, Aug. 13th-I found out the worst news. Its not easy to overcome a tragedy, especially when you have known that person for awhile, and were quite close. Hurts a lot to even think about it. And tonight's the funeral. I'm going to try and suck it in. 'Life goes on'-I must repeat.
Sunday, Aug. 14th-I met an amazing boy. His name is Ian(e-an). Its funny-I pronounced it completely wrong. But good thing I didn't say that outloud. We met up at a place called 'the hookah bar'. My best friend and I waited for him in the parking lot, when he pulled right up. He came out of his car and gave me a half hug. It went on like that for awhile, the 'half-hugs'. But anyway. I introduced him to my best friend but i guess they had already known eachother from a local show. Then we went back inside to find the rest of the group, and I didn't have to introduce him then, he did it himself. We all just chilled there, smokin' the hookah. I mostly just sat there and when i got the chance, i'd look at him. He was so cute, him and his hat(he says he wore it cause he just washed his hair, ha). Then Alicia (best friend) mentions to me that she wants some starbucks. Ian offered to go get some, and I joined him. I knew she did that on purpose, and I thank her for that. He opened the car door for me, and to me that was the sweetest thing (because thats never happened). We talked a little bit in the car, and that's when i felt most comfortable. When it was just me and him. Him and me. Alone. We came back and then the rest of the night ended up being pretty dull. Alicia's friends, friends came and they were all pretty much drugged out. It was disgusting. They talked about beating people up, and killing, and it was just overall-an uncomfortable situation. But it was still very nice sitting next to him. I just wanted to hug him. He looked so cute and his smile made ME smile. Perfect straight white teeth, with cute dimples. Then we had to say goodbye, and there was that half-hug again. At least it was something.
Monday, Aug 15th-I worked of course. My job consists of filing insurance bills, payed bills, etc. and the lack of our surpervisors checking up on us. He came and visited me during my 1 hour break (its only suppose to be 15 min). It was great, and he actually did his hair this time. Yes, he looked cuter. I got my half-hug and then we begin to talk. The other youth aid that i work with, Cathy, just sat there with us while listening to her crappy music. Said goodbye again, and got my half-hug again. I started to get really sick of the 'half-hugs'. I finally told him something later that night.
Tuesday, Aug 16th-Didn't go to work because I had a dentist appointment and later on Ian and I were going to pick up my friend Kerry to go get our schedule for school. Ian brought a friend so he wouldn't be bored while me and kerry were getting our stuff. His name was Steve, and he was an ok guy. Wouldn't hang out with him much though. He was very sarcastic, I liked that, though I don't like it when sarcastic people try to be funny and end up sounding like an asshole. He made a pretty good example of it. After we finished, I had ian carry my books to his car. We then all went to Chuckie Cheese. It was so much fun. Ian bought the pizza and tokens since none of us had any money. We played against eachother. Me and ian weren't exactly teamed up but we played the games together. And so did steve and kerry. I had a good time, and i'm sure they did too. Then he took us both back to my house, and then he actually gave me a full hug. More like a throw in the air hug? I'm not sure how to explain it but I enjoyed it-thats all that matters.
Wednesday, Aug 17th-After work, around 7ish, Ian picked me up and we went to the movies to see the skeleton key. Well we did after he met my parents. My mom liked him, my dad just doesn't seem to like any boy i bring to the house. Hopefully he'll eventually pull through and see the good in ian. Anyway, we got our tickets and went right in. The movie was kinda creepy, but then ian held out his hand &said "incase you get scared". I held it, of course. I started scooting closer to him. Not because I was scared, but because I wanted to be more near him. Towards the end of the movie, I rested my head on his shoulder, and it was great. I could hear his heart beat so clearly;it was beating so fast. The movie ended with the most stupidest way. 5 points for that one, not 10. We sat in his car for awhile, when he finally came close to my face and moved his hand towards my chin, to hold it, and he kissed me. Right after I think i smiled so big that I started to blush. I got hungry, so we went and got some burger king. We were the only ones there. He acted so dorkish, i've never laughed so hard. He then took me home and walked me up to my door. Gave me a big hug, and kissed me two times. It was great. He is great.
Thursday, Aug. 18th-I went out with Alicia, Ashley, Janae, and sabrina to see the number 12 looks like you. Boy, was that amazing. They sold their own merch and I bought my shirt from the screamer [= They finally came on after three bands and they put on such a good performance. They played my favorite "if these bullets could talk". That made my night complete. After the show ended, Alicia was still recovering from her black out, so we just sat on the curb until she was ready to drive. My old habit came back into me. What a chain-smoker I was. She then said she was able to drive and we went to Dennys. I ordered so much food. I was pretty stuffed. Came home around 1, and crashed out. Sleep was all I needed.
Friday, today, aug 19th-The funeral. Something im dreading, and something im looking forward to.