| Sway Me |
Feb 24th, 2006 5:44:05 pm - Subscribe |
| Wow. I had no clue people here would be so welcoming. It's nice to find a place on the internet where people actually drop by to say "hi" and share their views on whatever one has to say. I'm pretty pleased about this! A while back ( a long while back maybe?) I used to have another blog on a close-knit community. This must have been around two years ago. They were a very friendly bunch and I can say I honestly made some good online friends. Sadly the website tanked and when it was brought back to life a couple of months later it was flooded with very young kids obsessed with being 'hawt' and 'kewl', and that sort of got to me. It's alright to be 'hot' and 'cool' in my book (so long as you can spell the wrods right), but over-doing it and posting ten thousand images of yourself 5 times daily grows a bit old. Especially when everyone starts doing it... I trired LJ for a while but there was too much drama... seemed a bit like everyone wanted to pick an argument over, quite frankly, nothing. But anyway, I'm here and her seems like a pretty nice place so I'll quit qhining already. I've got quite a bit going on in my life right now - I'm not sure if I want to go into it just yet. I should probably introduce myself. I am a 20-something year old female who lives outside of the US. I'm in a relationship with a nice man, have been for over 3 years but I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I have two special friends, both female. One of them is a lesbian. I also have another close friend who is a male (he is just a friend; honest). I live with my mother. The people who'll feature in here prominently hence are: - My Boyfriend whom I'll simply refer to as Boyfriend. - Friend #1: India - Friend #2: Paula - Male Friend: Tim - Mum: Mother There are other people in my life of course but they play secondary roles. Well, all save for a guy I really like. I know, I know. I have a boyfriend, I should have my focus set straight, I'm a baddie etc; etc; etc. Actually I'm not. It all started in October when India and I went out clubbing and bumped into a male friend of hers; Jonas. She happens to work with this guy and he had a mate of his with him. Before you know it, me and this guy's mate - Lee - are really hitting it off. We just talked really, very clean but very deep conversations. At the time I'd already been having doubts about my relationship for a long, long while (so much so that many months earlier I'd called the whole thing off but somehow me and Boyfriend got back together). But at this point in time, hence October, although I found Lee to be good looking I wasn't particularly fazed by his charm. All that changed at the beginning of this month when India and I happened to bump into Lee and Jonas again. This time we hit it off again, in ways pretty much different. Nothing too bad went on but there was certainly some amount of kissing. I should have probably felt like a terirble person, but I put it down to me being a bit drunk and 'swept away' and pushed it to the back of my mind. That frame of mind dissapeared when India and I met these two guys yet AGAIN, not quite purposefully either, and a whole suiting-and-serenading-saga unfolded. Not particularly bad, not even as bad as the previous instance, but definitely a lot worse for my stupid brain and heart. So there I am... Oooof, going ga-ga all over some random dude I've only ever met three times. But the cherry on the cake is really this: he'll be moving into my neighbourhood by the end of spring or beginning of summer. Talk about crazy, you couldn't make that one up. I actually considered breaking it off with Boyfriend and giving Lee a chase but I didn't. Why? I don't know. I don't want to get out of one relationship and leap into the next, soemthing I'll inevitably do if I go single now. Plus, this might sound really really awful, but I haven't been properly single in years. Honest. The last time I was truly, truly alone must have been 5 and a half years ago. Although I'm not completely dissatisfied with my current relationship I've been feeling a great need to spread my wings. There was a time where I couldn't bear to live without someone by my side because I felt too weak to be on my own. But now I feel so much stronger and I often wish I could do things on my terms without being held back by... a boyfriend. It's hjust the simple things, not having to explain certain things. He's a very nice man as I've said but he has certain habit which annoy me. The way he snaps at his dad (really embarrasing), certain remarks and comments he makes, the routine we've been trying to get out of for... years now... a dead-end routine we just CAN'T escape. I've asked him to change some small things but I don't think that's right - you shouldn't expect someone you care about to change - you should love them unconditionally (or almost), right? These thoughts and feelings aren't something I talk about a great deal. Sometimes I might mention something to India, but I tend to talk to Paula more, about this particular problem anyway. Paula seems to understand my situation better because she was stuck in the same rut up until recently. My other friends, who I consider to be more like acquaintances, are totally in the dark of all this. First off I find it hard to trust them since they've often screwed me over on very small thing (let alone something this big) and secondly they all happen to know my boyfriend. So yeah, that's out of the question methinks. Other than that there's not much more to write home about. Unitl next time... |
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| mood: chaotic |
(2) comments |
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velouria |
February 24th, 2006 |
Hi! You did jump right in  Do you or your boyfriend want to get married? Can you see yourself ever marrying him? Are you with him because you don't want to or know how to be single? Are you with him only because you've been together for so long? I don't know if that will help, but answer those questions -Vel |
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| deathcab4u |
February 24th, 2006 |
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| Hehe. Well, I don't think it's necessarily fair to him or yourself to remain in a relationship that makes you question it like that. It's almost as if you are leading him on? I did that to a girl because i didn't want to hurt her, she neded up telling me she wanted to break it off...hehe, whatever. It's okay to want a person to change little things. It's the big things that if you can't live with now, will you be able to in 20 years? Well, we just started off with some HUGE topics eh? As time goes on I'm sure things will pan out, make more sense, and good will come to you. A long comment I guess >.< -Ross |
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